Habs take 60-minute nap: Panthers 2, Hyde 1

So here's the summary of what went down last night: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

Whoops sorry. Feel asleep there for a moment. Like I did last night several times while watching that crap. Like this team, who seemed to fall asleep for 60 minutes. 17 shots. No effort whatsoever. Skating? Ha! In your dreams. Work ethic? Not to be seen. Going hard to the puck? Yeah right. Any semblance of offensive pressure whatsoever? Now you're just being silly. A huge four-point game, and we just failed to show up.

I'm totally dumbfounded as to what to write. How can this be the same team that went into New Jersey and won, who came home to face the Rangers and dominated? Remember that whole Jekyll 'n Hyde thing we had going last year? It's back, baby!

So here's your review: Habs Suck. For today at least.

Habs aren't making the playoffs, fuck it let's get drunk!

Who's up for some serious hockey analysis? Well then go read Puck Daddy. Zing! No seriously, we've got a day off so let's take a serious look at some things and then we can all get on with our lives and enjoy ourselves. Preferably with alcohol and sexy spokesmodels. Seriously.

So actual hockey analyst James Mirtle has started his annual Playoff Push column, which outlines what teams need to do with the rest of the season to make the playoffs. It's based on the premise teams need 89 points to get in from the East. I think that's quite reasonable. So with his first column (which he updates daily), Mirtle calculates the Habs need to go 19-12-1 to make the playoffs. Who thinks that's possible? Seriously? You're either lying, delusional, or a regular HI/O commentor.

I have looked at the Habs remaining schedule and boldly predict the Habs will absolutely lose the following games:

At New Jersey
One game in Florida (no way we sweep two Florida series in one season)
At Boston
Home to the Pens
Home to the Caps
One of the Flyers home and home series
One game during the Olympic break (no way the Habs can go 3 weeks without losing)
2 of 3 in California
Home to the Lightning
Home to the Sens
At Buffalo
Home to the Devils
Home to the Sabres
Home to the Leafs to close the season to add insult to injury in another mess of a season

That's 14 (actual) losses. Guaranteed. I predicted it! And I write on a hockey blog, so I know what I'm talking about. For the math-challenged, 14 is two more than the 12 we can lose as per Mirtle's analysis.

Q.E.D.

Pass the vodka.

We're not putting any effort into this Thrashers Game Preview and Open Thread

Yeah, that's the best place for that chant

Look, if the Fucking Habs aren't going to put in any effort, they don't deserve me putting any effort into these previews. No clever gimmick, the minimum amount of research, lazy ass jokes (if any), and a pic that's been sitting on my hard drive. That's what your getting. Blame the Fucking Habs.

So the basics - 7:30 PM start in the Bell Centre. Fucking Habs riding a 5 game losing streak. Love the headline over at Bird Watchers Anonymous. Mad Max is the only Fucking Hab worth watching. Your lines are allegedly as follows:

Kovy - Koivu - Tangy
Pleks with a pair of Tits
Mad Max the Tender Greek
Higgins - Metro - El Dandy

There will also be defense pairings that won't work, and a goalie who can't stop the puck. For your post-game adult entertainment, have sex with your spouse or significant other.

Make sure not to put any effort into your comments

We need to go both ways tonight - Leafs Game Preview and Open Thread

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TMS gets the game review out of the way as early as possible so that we may all enjoy our Friday later - Sens 5, Habs 4

Even the emoticons know the sky is falling

Congrats to Ovie on getting his 50th. Florida is nipping at the Habs' heels after beating the Leafs. There was a full slate of other games. But we'd thought we'd try something different today and give you a review you can read with your breakfast. Well, not really different, 'cause we're dusting off the old-style review format. Let's see if we can remember how it goes.

Plan the parade - Habs have the best third line in the league. Mad Max the Tender Greek was the only line that showed up last night. They worked, they skated, they scored, they generally wreaked havoc on the ice every time they stepped on it. Jaro came in for a brain-dead Price and gave the Habs a chance to win. The Habs as a whole did make it interesting, coming back from several two-goal leads down to only one-goal leads down. Pleks seemed to have a few moments of actual non-zombie hockey playing. Habs broke the 30-shot barrier for the first time in the Second Gainey Era. We had fun in the open thread.

The sky is falling - We don't even know where to start. How about stupid, ill-timed penalties? That seems to be a theme for this team lately. We only had two penalties, but for some reason it seemed like more. Maybe 'cause the Sens scored on both. How about a shaky (at best) Carey Price? He seemed to have come around a couple of weeks ago, now he seems to have regressed. Getting yanked after giving up four goals on 15 shots was not pretty. We know Panger would say he's only 21, but his brain may be permanently scarred. Most of the team as a whole looked completely disinterested for huge parts of the game - no effort, no skating, no nothing. We swear we didn't even know Kovy was playing until the third period. Remember when the FHF used to fight over the phrase "my boy Higgins" around here? I dare any FHF'er to claim him now. Our defense continues to be porous and useless. Our PP continues to be beyond useless. This is all just the tip of the iceberg. We'll let you fill in the rest.

Chez Parée bound? The 3rd line and Jaro are getting hand jobs in the VIP lounge, while the rest of the team is cleaning their jizz off the couches.

Next evil, evil foe - Tronna comes a callin' on a Saturday night. That used to be fun. We get the feeling it may be less fun.

OK that's out of the way. We'll find some lame excuse to post hot chicks later, so we can all get our weekend off to a sexy start.

Rangers Game Preview and Open Thread

We accept any and all excused to post photos of ultra-hot Canadian-girl-next-door Elisha Cuthbert. Finally, a reason to justify Sean Avery's existence.

At this point we've just about given up, so we're taking ignorance over enlightenment in this preview and ask this question: If we pretend we don't know they suck, will they stop sucking?

• 7:30pm EST/ 5:30 MST at the Phone Booth;
• Some team named the "Rangers", who apparently are from the state of New York, are in town;
• I'm told that Montreal's hockey team is currently in the running for a playoff position in direct competition with these "Rangers", suggesting that the game may be a passionate affair;
• Now I'm being told that the work "passionate" is used inappropriately in any sentence also containing the phrase "Montreal's Hockey Team";
• several media outlets are reporting that a young 21-year old by the name of "Kerry Price" will be starting the match in from on Montreal's net this evening. He sounds like a nice guy - I hope Montreal fans don't expect too much from this guy, who is probably getting his first shot in the NHL at 21;
• I heard that some guy named Patrick Brisebois just played his 1,000 NHL game; Unbelievable! He must be a superstar to have hung around that long;
• Alex Tanguay got a cold from what I can only assume is his best friend Alex Kovalev, who will be playing tonight. I bet Alex feels bad about getting Alex sick, and so Alex will play doublely-hard to make up for the absence of Alex;
• I'd make a joke about replacing coaches for the eight time in ten years, but instead I'm going to go cry in my green beer and long for the days of Al MacNeil.

Please enjoy St Patrick's Day by drinking until you can't feel the Habs pain anymore. And leave some comments - assuming the bar has free wireless.

What the Frak?

I come back from this:



to watch 2 1/2 hours of this:

At least Bob didn't trade a first round pick, cause it'll be in the lottery.

A Question for Our Readers

Not much to say about last night's game, but I hear a picture is worth a thousand words anyway. The choice is yours, FHF reader: which one is more appropriate after last night's game?



Or



Let's hear how bad the Habs suck in the comments....again.