The lunatics have taken over the asylum - FHF readers preview the Leaf and open thread

Well done, some of you! We got some real quality submissions for our reader preview of the season finale tonight (7 PM from the ACC, on CBC of course, here's an actual preview if you want, like, information), though we didn't get the quantity we were expecting. Bunch of lazy asses, the lot of you! We'll give you a chance to redeem yourself though. You've still got all day, email your submission to fourhabsfans[at]gmail[dot]com and we'll update the post throughout the day. Because some of you refused to abide by the "paragraph" guideline the post is a bit long, so we're gonna put the whole thing after the jump. So do the clickity-click thing to see what FHF's finest came up with.

Ladies and Gentlemen, on stage for your dancing pleasure the Ottawa Senators - Preview and Open Thread

My goodness only two games left in the regular season. And it seems like forever since I've seen an old-fashioned stripperriffic preview around here. That changes NOW.

Waiting in line details - 7 PM start from beautiful downtown Kanata. Or maybe its the outskirts of Kanata? I'm not up on my Kanata geography. Just drive West on the 417 you can't miss it. On the CBC for some reason (so they can practice their Habs-bashing for the playoffs?). The Sens are actually hotter than the Habs in their last 10, 6-3-1 vs. 5-5-0. Sens coming off beating the Flyers even. Habs have taken 4 of 5 from the Sens this year, including the last one, a 7-1 win in Ottawa back in January. It's been since January? I remember when we used to play the Sens every week.

Pay your cover charge to - since the loss of SLC and the quiet demise of Scarlett Ice, your best hope for an entertaining Sens blog is The 6th Sens.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - there's some Squidly goodness getting warmed up for the playoffs with 5 points in his last 4 games. Tits is playing his tits off lately. Pernell Fuckin' Karl has goals in each of his last 3 games, and needs one more to tie the Habs rookie record for a defenseman held by Pointu.

Hot sexy Sens to watch - Spezz has 6 points over his last 2 games, and 20 points over his last 13. Filip Kuba a poiint per game over his last 5.

Skanky Habs to watch - CHicken and DDD both pointless in their last 7 games. I could have sworn it was longer.

Skanky Sens to watch - whoever is between the pipes. Like that's news for Ottawa.

Not dancing due to too many vodka Red Bulls - Big Bald Alex Auld will give some much-needed rest to TFS. CHallah is out, but we could see the return of Jaro Spacek tonight. The Sens have a long list of wounded headed by Alfie and Gonchar.

36-24-36 stats - the Habs are 7th in the league in both PP and PK percentage. Lucky!

A new suit in the VIP room buying $1000 bottles of champagne on his expense account - The Habs just named a new Chief Operating Officer. He's a lawyer! Run for the hills!

Conversation topic in the cabine privée with Kandi - Bs, Caps, Phucktards or Pens in the first round, who would you rather see?

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - The NuDen advertises "kinky surprises". We like that.

Bring your kinky surprises to the comments

Let's Heritage the shit out of this weekend - Flames preview and open thread sponsored by Tim Hortons

Forgive me in advance for waxing poetic, but if any game calls for it, this is it.

I must admit to being an unabashed fan of outdoor hockey. While I grew up in the city and thus as far away from a "pond" as humanly possible, many, many days and nights of my youth were spent on the outdoor rink at the park just down the street from my house (park satellite image obviously taken in summer). I really do have the stereotypical Canadian memories of my mom coming to tell us it was "9 PM for fuck's sake, get your stupid ass back in the house it's your bedtime" (mom swore like a sailor even back then). I can just picture my friends and I out there, at -20 Celsius even, just wanting to play. I recall the times we told the city worker to go away when he wanted to resurface the ice because it would mean 30 minutes we couldn't play. I remember the wacky boards we had, with no curved corners and set up as a parallelogram rather than a rectangle. I remember digging through the snow to find our last puck after it flew over the boards. I remember the glorious, glorious relief I felt when I finally took off my 1970's-era Bauers (wearing extra socks because Mom bought them a size too big because "you'll grow into them") after skating practically non-stop for five hours.These were amazing, simpler times that I remember very fondly, and no doubt many of you have similar memories. The outdoor hockey game is a quintessentially Canadian tableau. I guess Vermonters, Michiganders, North Dakotans or Finns for that matter did the same thing, but it's not the same. In Canada those outdoor rinks and ponds meant everything because hockey means everything to a Canadian kid, unlike the Michigan kid who was just biding time 'til Little League season, or the Finnish kid who went cross-country skiing on the weekends. In Canada, it's our shared Heritage.

So what does all this have to do with the 2011 NHL Tim Hortons Heritage Classic? Dick all. The Tim Hortons Heritage Classic is about the NHL seeing a very successful college stunt and thinking holy shit, we can capitalize on this. We can expand our audience, get some press, sell 50,000 tickets instead of 20,000, sell some toques, and sell some admittedly delicious sugary treats. And now doing it repeatedly. All of it under the guise of it being "traditional" and "playing to hockey's heritage." Yeah, whatever. My park didn't have heated benches (or any benches) and didn't have 50,000 people watching (or anyone watching). FFS, it didn't even have nets. Using boots for goalposts is our Heritage. A made-for-TV event is not.

With that said, an NHL game in a football stadium is still pretty fucking cool, no matter how many times they do it. So let's get in the spirit and sell some admittedly delicious sugary treats while we set this one up.

The first double double of the morning - before the THHC even starts, we get a warmup today with the alumni game. It goes at 6:30 PM EST, and it's on RDS (CBC has banished it to online only). I cannot wait for the return of Jyrki Lumme. That guy ruled. And maybe Sergio Momesso brought some delicious sandwiches with him, and Lanny McDonald can spend the game picking crumbs out of his mustache.

Waiting patiently in line for your morning fruit explosion muffin behind that guy who hems and haws when ordering and takes forever, even though he's there EVERY FUCKING DAY - 6 PM EST start tomorrow. On CBC, and Versus for you 'mericans. The Habs won the only other meeting so far this season, the crazy 5-4 win last month when we blew a four goal lead only to have PFK celebrate his OT winner to the disgust of everyone outside Montreal. The Flames are the much better team right now though, going 7-1-2 over their last 10. As for the Habs, well, we suck right now.

Like uh, Dunkin Donuts I guess? Dome Beers remains our favourite Flames blog, what with all the half-naked chick pics on there. And you know, beer.

As sweet as a 20-pack of Timbits you scarf down all by yourself. Hey, don't blame me for eating them all, I was high at the time - DDD is our best offensive player right now I guess, with 7 points in his last 5 games. That's both exciting and disturbing. DDD is also responsible for a CHicken resurgence. The Flames have hot players up the wazoo right now, with Jokinen, Bourque, Regehr all scoring, and Kipper playing well between the pipes.

As cold as a large Iced Cap - do I have to say it? Tits pointless in 8, brainless in 59. The whole defense as a group really shat the bed against the Oil, but Paul Mara will rescue us all. Flames and their 7-1-2 record don't really have much to be chilly about, except for maybe the temperatures expected at McMahon this weekend.

Exciting like one of those temporary donut flavours you fall in love with only to see them disappear after a month or two - Squid!!! SQUEEEEEE!!!! Looks like Squid (who actually played in that first Michigan - MSU Cold War game) will make his return after missing 12 games. Not only that, Hal Gill looks to return as well to help shore up the D after missing 4. Even CHeez Whiz, so horribly disfigured in the last game, has a real chance of playing.

Like a hot chocolate after the game - if all the models of the SI Swimsuit Issue can't warm you up, you may be suffering from death.

Let's hear your rink and pond stories and / or fave Tim Hortons treat in the comments

Somebody better pay for last night - Islanders Game Preview and Open Thread

No word of a lie, but this pic came up when I googled "Islander Girls".  Even the slutty ice cleaners get dissed on Long Island

(Ed's note - this post was written by HF10, who is having computer / Fuck Blogger issues)

Look, I don't care who pays for it - the Islanders and their fifth string goalie, the cheapshot Bruins, Scott Gomez, that comatose fucktard Chocula, Pierre Gauthier, Pierre Maguire, I DON'T FUCKING CARE. But someone, somewhere, needs to answer for this team. Talk all you want about not backing down, or fighting back, or scoring six goals, or whatever.  Tell me "once PK, Price, Eller, Leblanc, Tinordi and Pacioretty have experience ..." it'll be Cups galore. 

No, it won't. Not with Jacques Martin's "system",  unless one of the forward prospects morphs into a game changing superstar whose offensive talents can simply overwhelm the "system".  Because otherwise, your lot in life as a Habs fan until Chocula is gone is watching the Ottawa Senators circa 2004 but minus Jason Spezza, Dany Heatley and Daniel Alfredsson.  An entire team of Mike Fishers/Chris Kellys/Tomas Plekanecs/Tom Pyatts/Peter Schaefers/lobotomized Andrei Kostitsyns. Solid? Sure. Playoff bound? Yep.  Gonna get run out of the second round every year unless the goaltending is otherworldly? Guaranteed. 

Fuck that. 

I've seen that show most years since 1993 and it sucks.  To top it off, when this team gets out of Chocula's comfort zone like last night, it doesn't have the muscle, offensive or defensive talent to win anything resembling a slugfest or shootout.  Great news in an Eastern Conference full of young, stacked teams full of scorers and head crackers. Can't wait for Dustin Byfuglien, Bryan Little, Zach Bogosian and Ondrei Pavelec to be 2.5 hours down the road from the Bell Centre wearing fleur de lys jerseys.

Don't even get me started on Scott Gomez today. 29 already covered it in the TMS. I can't believe I agree with Jack Todd at the moment, but so help me, I do. 

Thank Christ Charles Wang isn't going anywhere on Long Island yet. There's still the Islanders. Hey, let's talk about them!

The details:  Game time at 7:30 at the Centre Bell.  Isles coming off loss the the Leafs that featured their fifth string goalie. Habs have been fairly good lately, but last night's mess could leave them broken and tired tonight. 

Who's hot:  Isles speedster Michael Grabner has 8 goals in his past 11.  Wunderkind John Tavares is leading the Isles in scoring, has 4 points in 4 but is still a -22.  Is Captain Gio hot?  He seems to be the only one scoring at a regular clip.  Max Pac is also looking good.  Hmm, both of them have been playing with Plekanec, not Gomez. Hot tip of the hat to Benny Pouliot, who dropped David Krejci last night.  Man, if he ever puts everything together, look out.  Hey, anyone else want to give Gomez's wingers to David Desharnais and see what happens?  I sure as hell do. 

Who's not:  Look, I could tell you I don't want to pile on Scott Gomez, but that wouldn't be true.  He takes stupid penalties, he looks disinterested, and all the little good things people say he does get lost in the big numbers that sit beside his name.  I'm quite certain Scott Gomez has value as an NHL player, but right now, to my eye, he looks like a huge liability more often than not.  The defence looked awful last night, and Price alternated between sublime and - what?  Tired?  Fed up?  Bad Carey?  Dunno.  For New York, well, if they aren't hurt, they're terrible.  So they've got that going for them. 

Who's hurt:  Markov. Cammy. Gorges. Is Tommy Pyatt alright after getting cheapshotted a dozen times by whiny sucky baby Greg Campbell, who is going to hide behind his Daddy and escape all punishment? Is Jaro 2.0 going to be more dazed after taking 20 uncontested shots to the noggin? Islanders can't field a competitive team when healthy, so losing (deep breath) Marc Streit, Doug Weight, Mike Mottau, Trent Hunter, Mark Eaton, Blake Comeau, rookies Rhett Rhakshani and Jeremy Colliton and goalies Rick DiPietro, Kevin Poulin and Nathan Lawson does not help. 

Who?: Fun fact - the Isles traded for former Ranger bust Al Montoya (picked 6th overall in 2004) to shore up their goalie depth since the NY crease is becoming some sort of Spinal Tap drummer's chair. Montoya was THE BACKUP for Phoenix's AHL team. Ladies and gentlemen, your New York Islanders!!!!

Who's watching:  Despite the wisecracks and the half-empty rink, the Isles still have some hardcore fanatics, including the folks at Lighthouse Hockey.

Who's that:  Why, it's the stripper at one of Montreal's finest establishments after the game, that's who. 

We're planning the Habs' All-Star break for this Flyers preview and open thread

Ah, the All-Star break. A time when 1% of the league gathers for a useless 14-11 game and some photo ops, and the other 99% of the league does something else (hookers and blow). With all the Habs but TFS having a week off after tonight, we thought we'd provide a couple of handy suggestions as to how they should spend their time.

PatCHes - chest protector shopping

The Mexican - mentally prepare for traditional second half points explosion; alternative - meeting with financial planners

MOEmaN - dig up more dirt on CHokula to regain top 6 forward status

Tits - studying for kindergarten equivalency degree

Tommy Pyatt - actually get in some ice time

Hal Gill - potluck dinner preparation

PFK - attend Homer Simpson Showboating Academy for additional ideas to really piss Don Cherry off

Entire defensive corps - knee-strengthening exercises, and lots of 'em

Alex Auld - get kick-ass head tattoo

CHokula - sign up for "Get in Touch With Your Emotions" seminar at the Holiday Inn by the airport

CoaCH Kirk - resumé writing workshop

PleXXXe - beach time. You've earned it. Like you earned an ASG invite you didn't get, because the ASG is biased against two-way players.

OK let's set up the Phucktards with a little help from some other All-Star Games from around the world of sports.

Waiting for defense in an NBA ASG - 7:30 PM start in Philly, on Versus for all you 'Mericans. The Flyers are probably the best team in the league right now, and these are arguably the two hottest teams in the league in 2011. Flyers have gone 9-2-0 in January, while the Habs went 6-1-3 over the same span. This is the fourth and final meeting between the teams, the Flyers holding a 2-1 edge. A win would tie the Habs' point total with the Bs, though the Bs would have one game in hand.

Like the WNBA ASG; you really don't want to watch, but you can't turn away from the giant freaks - I expect some Broad Street Hockey drop-ins tonight. Play nice everyone!

Hot like Pete Rose barreling into Bob Ray Fosse in the 1970 ASG - PatCHes 4 points in his last 2, CHeez Whiz more than a point per game over his last eleven (and is now the Habs' 2nd-leading scorer if you count his Isles stats), and even Tits is getting points in his last couple of games. For the Flyers, Claude Giroux has 5 points over his last 2 and Mike Richards has 5 in 3. Bobrovsky is playing some damn fine goalie.

As useless as the Pro Bowl - given the teams' respective January records, it's no surprise that neither team has any really bad players right now. I just wanted to write that the Pro Bowl is useless.

If you get injured in an ASG you're either Ted Williams, Bob Ray Fosse, or an idiot - anyone notice how there is still no official announcement from the Habs on the state of Squid's shoulder? Anyone worried about that? Looks like Halpern should be back tonight tho. For the Flyers, Ian Laperierre is concussed on IR, and James van Riemsdyk (who had the GWG in both wins against the Habs this year) is day to day with a groin and questionable for tonight.

Post-game adult entertainment - All-Star Porn Girls! (really very completely totally NSFW)

Are you an all-star commentor? Prove it.

Stan Lee's Canadien Guardian will eat your children and enslave your women for this Flames preview and open thread

As mentioned in TMS this morning, the NHL and Stan Lee have teamed up to promote the All-Star game by having superheroes, or "Guardians" of all the NHL teams in time for game. And over the weekend, the Canadien was revealed. It frightens us. Let's take a look at the superpowers he was given:

Legendary protector of Quebec
I think a million Nords fans in this province would rather see another English win on the Plains of Abraham than be protected by anyone with a CH on their chest.

Controls power absorption and magnification
We're really not sure what this means, but if "controls power absorption" translates to "limit the ability to score", CHokula already has that job covered.

That's it? Well, those powers are totally useless. Here's some superpowers he should have been given:

• Strength to squish The Mexican's salary with one hand;
• Sense to determine if JM is breathing;
• Magical touch that heals defensemen's knees;
• Rotating the Earth to turn back time to the 1970's;
• Ability to communicate with Belarussians of limited intelligence.

Now those we could have used. Hey look the Flames are playing! Let's set this baby up with help from some other Stan Lee creations.

Waiting for the Joss Whedon Avengers movie - 7:30 PM start at the Bell. On TSNHabsBell and Sportsnet West for you Panger types. This is the teams' first meeting this year, the next one will be the Winter Classic in February. Flames coming off two straight wins, including Saturday night against the Leafs we all saw because the CBC couldn't switch there fast enough. The Flames are 6-2-2 in their last 10 to get back to .500, working mightily to get back into the playoff picture after a miserable start to the season. Here's a pleasing stat - Habs are actually 4-1-1 in their last 6 at the Bell. A win would NOT tie the Habs' point total with the Bs, because I'm an idiot.

Magneto - as much as the Flames can be a villain. Unfortunately the other FHF has closed down so check out the amusing Dome Beers and their many pics of half-naked CHicks. So they're like FHF too.

Flying high like Spider-Man swinging from buildings - Big Bald Alex Auld is 2-0-0, 1.37, .941 in his last 3 and gets his first-ever Bell Centre start. PleXXXe and CHeez Whiz are a point per game over their last 4. For the Flames, Iggy has 5 points in his last 4, and some goalie named Henrik Karlsson is playing well.

Iceman (and not in a good kind of way) - Mexican and Gio both pointless in 3.

Damaged like The Hulk's pants - CHicken and CHeez Whiz (sounds delish!) are both suffering from the new "inner body injury" that is sweeping the team and are game-time decisions. Rumoured future Habs D Robyn Regehr is day to day with a leg injury.

Is it possible to have sex with an Invisible Woman? If she's played by Jessica Alba, I sure will try.

Bring your commenting superpowers to bear!

Miss Moore is pretty pissed we're so late handing out FHF's half-season grades for this Rangers preview and open thread

Some blogs like to give out half-season grades or rankings or reviews or whatever. So do we! But after 41 games, we really didn't know what kind of team we had. But after 44 games, we sure do! So with the help of Miss Moore, we'll be handing out some mid(-ish)-season grades in a sec. First, let's set up the Rangers game, Twitter-style, considering we already played them this week:

7P start Bell, CBC, Squid TFS in, PatCHes gametime dec, Tits dead. More of Miss Moore (NSFW) post-game entertainment. Was that 140 characters or less? On to the grades! WARNING - actual hockey analysis ahead. Ha! I keed, I keed. I have no fucking clue what I'm talking about.

Big Bald Alex Auld (A-) - Did you know he's got a 1.74 GAA and a .941 save %? I didn't. He's been right there in every game he's played. He should probably get an incomplete considering "every game he's played" is only five of them, but fuck, I had to give an A range grade to someone, otherwise the curve would have been wrecked.

SuperpleXXXe (B+) - I guess he's been our most consistent forward all year, though that's not saying much. Even when he's not getting points (which seems to happen more and more lately) he's still out there busting his butt on every shift, PP, or PK.

TFS (B+) - After a quarter of the season he would have been an A+++, but lately, meh. I don't even think he deserves to be an All-Star to be honest. I'd take Thomas, Pavelec and Lundqvist out of the East right now.

CHeez Whiz (B) - Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster he showed up when he did, or our D would consist of Hamr, PFK and my mom. Though mom's an excellent shot-blocker.

Gio (B) - A pretty lame just over half a point per game pace, but a work ethic others (cough Tits cough) could learn from. A fine captain. I've almost forgotten ol' Saku what's his face.

DarCHe (B) - he does what he's supposed to do.

Hamr (B-) - with Gorges gone, as close as we have to a rock on defense right now. Ugh.

Gill (B-) - or maybe Gill is the rock of the defense now? Double ugh.

Halpern (B-) - For the first quarter everyone talked about what an awesome off-season pickup he was. Now, you barely hear his name mentioned anywhere. Maybe he's just disappeared into the shadows, which I guess could be a good thing for a 3rd/4th liner. Exemplary attendance record - one of only 3 players to play all 44 games.

Squid (B-) - invisible lately (even before he caught the strep throat of death), but for the first 15 games or so of the season Squid-Tits-PleXXXe was one of the best lines in the league. Do you remember that? I do not.

The Mexican (C+) - reverse of Squid. Dead for the first quarter, showing some signs of (barely) life lately. His salary has not figured into this grade. If it did, F.

PFK (C+) - held up well through the benchings and the Toronto media-created controversies, so extra credit there. He just isn't the thrilling player game in game out we thought we were getting after what we saw in the playoffs last year. Probably not be his fault (see "CHokula", below).

SpatCHes (C) - his good games are great, his bad games are terrible, which averages out to average, i.e. a C.

Tits (C) - sure he's dead now, but see Squid's note above. We all LOVED him for the first 15 games this year. I know you don't remember, but it's true.

Lego (C) - shows flashes he could be a great player. The flashes come once every 7 or 8 games.

CHicken (C) - shows flashes he could be a great player. The flashes come once every 7 or 8 games.

MOEmaN (C) - meh. Does not have the offensive skills to do what Chokula seems to want him to do for some bizarre reason.

Captain Picard (C) - he's just, there. A little too often for my tastes, frankly.

Pyatt (D) - Haven't heard his name in months. Is he still on the team?

Incompletes - Vodkov, Gorges (too depressing to write about), Swiss Mister II, PatCHes, Dustin Boyd, Double D.

The CoaCHes

CHokula (D-) - The "system" is a joke. Habs can't score. May have destroyed PFK forever. Essentially ran Rhino out of town just when we needed him. Inexplicably believes Moen is a scorer and a top 6 forward. Broke up the only decent line we had all year (Squid-PleXXXe-Tits). Loves Captain Picard a little too much. Bench management questionable at best. Often appears not to be alive during games. The only reason it's not an F is that hey, the Habs are in a playoff position.

Rest of staff (B+) - just hand Muller the top job already before someone else snaps him up.

OK, go ahead and tell me I'm an idiot in the comments.

At 1 PM CHeez Whiz should be lounging at home instead of playing hockey - Thrash preview and open thread

1 PM!!! 1 PM!!! 1 PM!!!! Do you hear me, FHF'ers? The game is at 13h00. What the fuck is up with that? I'm really not happy with that kind of timing. It totally screws up my usual Sunday schedule. On Sundays I wake up late, get the hooker to finally leave already, have a leisurely breakfast while I do a crossword puzzle, and start drinking at noon so I am pleasantly buzzed when I sit down in front of my TV for the 1 PM football game. Now, I , uh, hmmm... have to find a whole new channel at 1 PM! That totally screws everything up.

On another note, I fucking love CHeez Whiz. Both the defenceman and the imitation processed cheese food product. I have been eating it since I was little and I continue to eat it to this day. I have a jar in my fridge right now. I'm putting some on my toast right fucking now! I have gone from the original CHeez Whiz to the light version, but otherwise I have eaten CHeez Whiz consistently since I am five years old. The funny thing is, I really only do two things with it (even though Kraft Canada alone has 128 recipes for it) - put it on toast and make nachos or nacho sauce with it. Yet those two things have sustained my use of CHeez Whiz for nearly 40 years. And when I was younger, it was only the toast thing because I don't think we even had tortilla chips and salsa then. Had you said salsa to someone in the 1970's they would have stared at you blankly. You kids today and all your fancy salsas don't know how good you have it. What I like about CHeez Whiz is the fine line it straddles between spread and sauce. So versatile! Interestingly, in the United States it's marketed more as a sauce while in Canada it's marketed like a spread. Look at the American jar versus the Canadian one.The American jar is designed for dipping something into it, while the Canadian jar requires a knife or other implement. Fascinating! I could discuss CHeez Whiz all day.

And CHeez Whiz has really shored up our defense. Talk about versatile.

Waiting in line to buy a jar - the aforementioned 1 PM start, on RDS and TSN Habs on Bell. Habs returning from the 2-5 road trip to the comforts of home. Thank goodness we won the last one, or the boo birds would have been out en masse. Thrash, after flirting with first place in the Southeast, are now in a slump too having lost 5 of their last 6, including their most recent one against the lowly (ha!) Devils. Atlanta shut us out 3-0 in our only meeting this year.

Not even sure they have CHeez Whiz in the American South - The Blueland Chronicle has a great irreverant take on the Thrash and their blog lives up to the blue name.

Hot like CHeez Whiz fresh from the microwave - CHeez Whiz! 2 goals in the Panthers win including the OT winner. The Mexican had 3 points in the state of Florida. Dusten Byfuglien is a point per game over his last 7.

Cold like the CHeez Whiz I keep in my fridge even though it could probably last 10 years in a cabinet considering the amount of "cheese" in there - CHicken pointless in 7, Tits pointless in 3, though I think he's playing a bit better lately. While I am leery to put TFS here considering he really got no help in most of his losses, we have to recognize his December numbers were all way down from October-November. For the Thrash, they have a bunch of pointless players and crappy goaltending lately.

Adding a Mexican flavour to the CHeez Whiz lineup - I don't even know where to start. Well, let's start with the fact we haven't even mentioned the Mad Max trade around here. Consider it mentioned. David Desharnais was tied for the most points in the AHL when he was called up on Friday, and should make his debut today, no doubt on the fourth line where CHokula puts all his best scorers. Iron man D Josh Gorges has been placed on IR to rehab his wonky knee, no word on for how long.

Post-game entertainment - sadly, my YouTube search for "babes wrestling in CHeez Whiz" came up empty. You'll have to settle for this vid of a cute (and thin) woman setting some sort of record scarfing down a Philly Cheesesteak, which may have been made with CHeez Whiz.

What the fuck is wrong with this fucking team they fucking suck - Caps preview and open thread

When I get angry (and GG11 is on the road), it's time for fat CHicks

"I am just more and more pissed with Martin. Tell FHF it's time to have a conversation about whether he's the right man for the job"
- Mom of HF29

Consider it done mom. In the absence of TMS, TMS Rants has been moved to the preview. NSFW (language) ahead!

What the fuck is wrong with this fucking piece of crap fucking team of shit? I was enjoying a lovely holiday up at Casa Norde del 29, and I was sort of ignoring things to the best of my abilities, but the shittiness of this fucking team is dragging me down the fucking rabbit hole. I settle in to my first broadcast of TSN Habs feed (we've got Bell up here) only to find out fucking Rod Black was doing play by play. Urge... to kill... RISING!!! Fine, I could live with that crap. Sure, Rod's the worst fucking sports broadcaster in the history of the universe, but whatever. Nobody in the fucking stands due to a giant snowstorm, but whatever. Habs coming off their only win on this road trip so far, we're going to turn this whole road trip around, right? NOT FUCKING BLOODY LIKELY. Instead, we turn in one of the most miserable fucking performances in the history of fucking hockey. Well, maybe I'm exaggerating. The Habs didn't put in any performance at all. They just fucking showed up. Well, not showed up in the metaphorical sense. Their bodies were on the fucking ice, but their minds were buried in the fucking snow. Or with some Long Island road beef or something. They certainly didn't have their fucking heads in that game I'll tell you. Yeah, we had an advantage in shots, but so fucking what? At no time did I have any fucking belief we'd win that game. AND IT'S THE FUCKING ISLANDERS. It's not like they were, I don't know, a real team, like the Caps or something. Is it time to panic? IT IS ABSOLUTLEY FUCKING TIME TO PANIC. This team is fucking falling apart before our eyes. Shall we count the ways? I think fucking not. OK, 3 ways. 1. We can't fucking score. 2. We have no fucking defense. 3. Carey has become human. And possibly tired already. Oh, and Chokula is destroying this team from the inside out, according to my mom. And as you know, mom of 29 is always right.

So if the whole "maybe we're just a fucking shitty team" wasn't bad enough, now the fucking Habs are falling apart IN PRACTICE. THEY'RE FUCKING FIGHTING WITH EACH OTHER. I don't know the real story behind what went on and who said something stupid to who and who is a fucking idiot (Chokula) and who has lost control of this team (Chokula) and who is to fucking blame for our current woes (Chokula). One person I don't blame for any of this? PK FUCKING SUBBAN, that's who. He is now getting the royal fucking shaft. Has Swiss Mister II done any better than PFK? Has Captain Picard done any better than PFK? FUCK AND NO. They have not. They are FUCKING WORSE. They are just as fucking shitty in the defensive zone if not worse, and their upside potential is nowhere near what PFK's is. Yet who gets the benefit of the doubt? ANYONE BUT PK FUCKING SUBBAN THAT'S WHO. Do we have one D on this team who can skate with the puck and make a fucking pass and create offense? Yes, one. PK FUCKING SUBBAN THAT'S WHO. Yet who sits in the pressbox? PK FUCKING SUBBAN THAT'S WHO.  He better be fucking playing tonight or we'll soon be three(-ish) Habs Fans as I'll be in Bordeaux for murdering a fucker.

And if the PFK crap wasn't bad enough, now after the Bruins won last night the Habs are in EIGHTH FUCKING PLACE IN THE EAST. There you go. The collapse is upon us people. Matt will be here any fucking minute to tell you that. And it says so in the fucking sidebar! I'm not looking forward to watching this piece of shit team play this fucking game tonight. The only plus side is that Panger is in town and we'll be watching together at Casa del FHF, aka Hurleys. That'll be fucking awesome. The 7-1 final against will not be.

7 PM start from the DC Phone Booth, on RDS and TSN Bell Habs with hopefully not Rod Black. Let the expletives fly in the comments. Go You Fucking Juniors Go.

Ladies and Gentlemen, on stage for your dancing pleasure, the Carolina WhalerCanes - Preview and Open Thread

With GG11 still down with the gastro that is ravaging her entire family, and the Habs in desperate need of a dramatic shift in karma, we here at FHF have dug into the archives to whip out an old style stripperriffic preview. That's twice I've used that word this week. Hope you complainers are happy now. Now how does this go again?

Waiting in line details -7 PM start from beautiful downtown Raleigh. Or is it Durham? The game is on old-fashioned TSN that we all get. Maybe McSplooge is busy prepping for the World Juniors and is unavailable. We can dream. As you well know, Habs have lost five of six and are 0-2 on the road trip. The Canes are a respectable 5-3-2 in their last ten, and have won four of five, sitting just outside the bubble in 9th in the East. The Habs won the only meeting so far this year, 7-2. Wait, the Habs once scored 7 goals in a game? I find that hard to believe.

Pay your cover charge to - Caniac Blog in Brazil. No really. It's in Portugese and everything.

Some reading in between lap dances - BR piles on, and  J.T.'s analysis post-Dallas as usual puts the so-called professional analysts to shame.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - birthday boy Scott Gomez has 6 points in his last 4 games. While Squid was pointless in Dallas, he had a 7-game point streak before that.

Skanky Habs to watch - everyone else with a CH on their chest. If we have to pick on someone, we'll go with CHicken. And the defense. Like, all of them.

Hot sexy Canes to watch - old Habs nemesis Cam Ward, while battling some freak eye infection of late, is near the top in some stats, including a .926. Eric Staal was the NHL's third star last week.

Skanky Canes to watch - Chad LaRose pointless in 14.

Not dancing due to too many vodka red bulls - oh Vodkov, wherefore art though? Despite his infection, Cam Ward will start. Jiri I can never spell his name right Tlusty is out with an arm injury. As for the Habs lineup, your guess is as good as mine as to what goes on in Chokula's head. We'll see at 7 PM I guess.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - Strip Clubs Raleigh (warning - talking Ashley Madison ad on loading the page) suggests that Capital Cabaret is the place you wanna go. Who am I to argue with Strip Clubs Raleigh. Capital Cabaret does have a lovely wine list.

Let's hear your dirty, dirty thoughts in the comments

A family-friendly preview for Sharks family day at the Bell

This preview has been rated G, suitable for all audiences.

Sunday, Monday, Habby Days.
Tuesday, Wednesday, Habby Days.
Thursday, Friday, Habby Days.
Saturday, What a day,
Groovin' all week with you.

Tell me that song isn't in your head now. Such simpler times, when we had TV theme songs that got stuck in your head. I defy you to name one current TV show that has a theme song that gets stuck in your head. Or one that has a theme song period. Now get off my lawn you young whippersnapper.

But I digress before I even get started. We've got a hockey game to play! At 2 PM no less. That means it's family day at the Bell Centre, when the team encourages families to come out to watch the games. You know, because they have problems selling tickets or something. So for family day, we turn to one of America's all-time favourite families, the Cunninghams, to help set this one up. And please invite your children and grandchildren to read along, for this preview is profanity- and nudity-free!

Waiting in line at Arnolds - as mentioned, 2 PM start at the Bell, and it's on the full CBC. Both teams coming off wins Thursday, the Sharks having shutout the Sens in Ottawa. Habs have played win one - lose one over their last nine, while the Sharks' own mediocrity (3 wins in their last 8) has dropped them to 10th in the West. But in the logjam that is the West clusterfrak, they are also just a mere 3 points out of their division lead, while at the same time being in last place in their division. Nutty! But this is a good team, don't doubt it. This is the teams' only meeting this year.

Sit on it, Sharkie! Your opposing blog is Fear the Fin. They call the Habs "a strong team and a worthy opponent, something the Sharks haven't handled well as of late", then predict the Sharks will win 4-2.

As pure and virtuous as Mrs. C - Lego! Three points in his last 2 games. The Lego-CHicken-DarCHe line is really working for me. Gio has 4 points in 3, and Carey is always good. The Sharks boast one of the best top lines in the league in Heatley-Marleau-Thornton, and Logan Couture (is that your real name?)  had 2 goals against the Sens, and is becoming a Calder candidate.

As bad as some sort of spinoff featuring two of your worst characters, Joanie and CHaCHi - Despite the win one - lose one streak, no individual Hab is really bad these days. Squid has been a bit quiet lately, I'll grant you that. For the Sharks, the goalies who say "Ni!" have been suspect. While Auntie Niemi shut out the Sens, he let in 6 goals in the game before that. And Niittymaki isn't much better, with a 4+ GAA over his last couple of games.

Hobbled like Fonzie crashing into Arnold's Fried Chicken stand - if you started your Friday 5 à 7 early, you may have missed the news that Vodkov is lost for the season. Sigh. The Sharks D is also hobbled, without regulars Demers, Huskins and Wallin. None of them are Andrei Markov though.

Like Chuck Cunnigham who went up to his room at the end of season one never to return - PFK was sent up to the pressbox and we're not sure if he'll ever return. Count Chokula said yesterday he wanted to sleep on it to decide if he'll play. I wonder if Chokula has emotions or facial expressions in his dreams.

Post-game entertainment - enjoying the fact I made it through the whole preview without making a Jump the Sharks joke.

GY*HG! Aayyyyy.

Blessed are the peacemakers - Flyers preview and open thread

You just knew that there was going to be a lot written headed into this game tonight. Huge grudge match in light of Mike Richards' (NHLPA player of the week!) post-game comments last week about PFK and respect and cockiness and blah blah blah. I was going to dive right into it myself. All sorts of ideas for previews about grudge matches and wars and battles and respect and all sorts of things. Fuck those Phucking Phlyer bastards and their goonery, the shit was on.

But then over the weekend, as you know by now, Pat Burns died. His death kind of put things into perspective, you know what I mean? A guy with more fire in his belly than a hundred Flyer goons and more class than everyone in the history of the Flyers organization combined had lost his battle with a horrible disease. It seemed like a good time for reflection, not anger. Contemplation, not bitterness. And PFK himself has done his best to diffuse the situation. He could have spoken out like he always does and said things like "Mike Richards will get his, don't you worry." Instead, he has shown poise and class beyond his years and let everyone else do the talking. He'll do his talking on the ice, thank you very much. In light of all this, it seemed kind of stupid to play up this whole war, to fan the flames of bitterness between these rivals. It seemed a better time to try to make peace. We can put the ugliness of the last game behind us and enjoy a hockey game that is hard-fought yet respectful. It's time to sign the Camp David Desharnais Accord of 2010.

With that said, as soon as one of those goons takes a run at PFK, the shit will be on. It will probably happen 2 minutes in.

Waiting to smoke the peace pipe together - 7:30 PM start in Philly, on RDS and TSN Habs on BellTV. I don't have to tell you what happened the last time these teams met. Habs coming off a shutout of the Leafs, Flyers coming off a shootout win over the Caps. Habs a mere one OT loss behind the Flyers in the Eastern Conference standings.

Our partners in peace - if we can make peace with the insane commentors over at Broad Street Hockey, we can make peace with anyone.

Powerful like an MLK speech - Squid a point per game over his last seven. TFS leads the league in wins and shutouts. I'd also like to give a shout out to Lars Eller, who continues to play well despite not scoring. Hang in there Lego, you'll get one! For the Flyers, Richards has 4 points over his last two games, and Pronger 3 points over the same span. Of course, given the Flyers' last two games were 5-4 and 8-7, you're going to have a lot of players with a lot of points over their last two.

Cold like Nelson Mandela's Robben Island cell - The Mexican and The CHicken both pointless in 3. For the Flyers, considering their last two games, you've got to consider their goalies are now pretty suspect.

Weakened like Gandhi on a hunger strike - Still no word on Vodkov's absence time. For the Flyers, Carcillo is out two weeks with a sprained knee, and Michael Leighton is still on IR.

Post-peace adult entertainment - Mmmm, naked hippies (nsfw).

Peace out, brothers and sisters.

Strippers and BJs Preview and Open Thread

There's been a lot of talk around here lately (OK, two comments yesterday) about the lack of strippers on this here site these days. Here ya go. And an old school format preview to go with it. FHF is still stripperriffic, goddammit.

Waiting in line details - 7 PM start at the lovely Nationwide is on Your Side Arena. Columbus may be in last place in a very tough division, but they are no patsies sitting at 6-4-0. Both teams coming off Saturday night losses - Habs to the Cats and the BJs a terrible 5-1 effort to the Avs. This is the teams' only meeting this year.

Pay your cover charge to - The Cannon has all your BJ info, and BJ Vision has all your BJ video. One of those is NSFW, try to guess which one!

Hot sexy Habs to watch - CHicken! Seriously! Maybe Jeff Halpern too? Though he feels guilty about being included here.

Skanky Habs to watch - Gomez, Gionta, yada yada. It really is just piling on now. Like I did on CJAD.

Hot sexy BJs are the best - Derrick Brassard has 4 points in 4 games, Kyle Wilson 3 in 3, and Nikita Filatov is playing better. I have no idea who any of these people are. But then again, I barely knew Columbus had a team. Mathieu Garon is playing well, and is playing tonight. I know him!

Skanky BJs can still be fun too - RJ Umberger and Antoine Vermette both pointless in 3.

Not dancing due to too many vodka Red Bulls -  The Habs are surprisingly healthy. Jinx! Healthy sitters tonight are Captain Picard and permanent doghouse member Rhino. SpatCHes continues to get ice time for no reason. Also, Dustin Boyd gets back in the lineup. The BJs have a decent list of wounded, including Mike Commodore on IR and Huselius with a whole bunch of sprains, bruises, and tweaks.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - Check out Kahoots Gentleman's Club in the heart of Downtown Columbus. Or maybe it's in the suburbs. WTF do I know about Columbus geography. Anyway, with clever spelling like that, it has to be good.

Let's hear your dirty, dirty thoughts in the comments

Time for CHeerleaders? Jets preview and open thread

With the recent announcement that the Edmonton Oilers will have cheerleaders later this year, the first Canadian team to do so, our thoughts turned to cheerleaders. Well, our thoughts turned back to cheerleaders, having been fantasizing thinking about them ten minutes before. So the question needs to be asked, do we need CHeerleaders at the Bell Centre?

In a word, fuck and no. Look, I don't think anyone could accuse yours truly of not being a sexist pig who loves the female form. And God knows we love the cheerleaders. And CHeerleaders would undoubtedly be just fantastic, considering the talent in this city. But let's face it, the alleged job of a cheerleader is to get the fans worked up and excited and uh, cheering for their team. Think Habs fans need that? I think not. Not to mention there's just too much shit going on between periods and during timeouts anyway. CHeerleaders would take away valuable time from adorable little peewee kids skating five times as far as they're used to. Frankly, they should just get rid of ALL the extraneous crap. Screw the video boards, the fancy lights, the cranking of music. Just bring back the fucking organist, it's all we need in Montreal. Now get off my lawn while I grab some pom-poms (not a euphemism) and set up the Yotes.

One-two-three-four, here's the deets of what's in store - 7:30 PM start at the CHeerleader-less Bell. This is the premiere of TSN's regional coverage of Habs games, but unless you have BellTV (ch. 1402 for HD, 402 for SD), you're shit out of luck. Because when you are broadcasting the Habs, it's not like you need to be on Videotron or anything. This will be the teams' only meeting this year. Habs coming off the Saturday night shutout over the Sens, Jets lost in OT Saturday to the Whalers, and are 2-2-2 on the season. You'd think that would put them in the middle of the pack, but they're 14th in the West.

Five-six-seven-eight, here's a blog I just can't hate - Yotes Gurl is a fun read, especially when she's recounting stories of screaming at idiots in her own arena.

Three-two-one-zero, Andrei Tits, he's our hero - What a pleasure to write about Tits being hot. He lived in the cold column in the second half of last year. PleXXXe also counts as hot I guess with a point per game over his last 6, and give TFS some props too for the shutout and just being a workhorse. For the Yotes, Kyle Turrris' mom's son had a bad start but turned it up with 3 points against the Canes.

Five-four-three-two, here's some guys that you should boo - at what point does it become piling on the Giant Mexican? We may be getting there. On the plus side, if the team is 4-2-1 with each of them only having one goal, how good can we be when (if) they start scoring? Also, the PP has fallen to 30th in the league, if you're keeping track.

Red, yellow, blue, green, here's some guys that won't be seen - still no Vodkov to rescue the PP, though he should be back for the weekend. Expect the same lineup as Saturday. Alex Auld has to debut this week, right? For the Yotes, Shane Doan is sitting out the last of his 3-game suspension, and Martin Hanzal has a lower body that's injured.

Two-four-six-eight, tits and ass are really... just fucking awesome - If you want Montreal cheerleaders, here are some where they belong. The football field.

Habs need some sort of new PP strategy - Sens preview and open thread

Look, we're not saying the Habs PP is bad. We're saying it's fucking TERRIBLE. Look at the stats. A grand total of ONE goal in 20 chances for a 5% success rate. 0 for 11 at the Bell. Miraculously, we're only 29th, not 30th, in the league. But it's not just the numbers. The boys look totally lost out there. They can barely get set up, and when they do, maybe they manage to get a shot from the point, it goes wide, and the other team clears it. Thrilling! Habs need drastic action, and they need it now.

While we often (justifiably) laugh at Count Chokula, we realize he's not a (complete) idiot and no doubt the PP would have been at the top of his list of things to work on at practice yesterday. Then on-ice practice was canceled when the lights went out in Brossard. So you'd think the Habs would be fucked. Fear not, for FHF has come up with some suggestions to help out the PP, at no charge:

• Play 5 defensemen. They always say if the PP is struggling put a forward at the point, but I say go the opposite way. Put Hal Gill in front of the net. Let PFK play with the puck down low. Captain Picard has as many goals as Gio or The Mexican, might as well use him. Fucking Josh Gorges has our only PP goal this year, let him loose!
• Get some CHicks in front of the net. If there is one thing Montreal has in abundance, it's hot chicks. Let's use them to our advantage. If you think Sean Avery waving a stick in a goalie's face is distracting, could you imagine the ass of some of Chez Paree's top talent? 
• Rush only four skaters. Keep one guy back in our own zone in case of a SH chance. This will free up space in the offensive zone;
• Get those ghosts working for us. Hire a medium to stand behind the bench and call up the ghost of Howie Morenz when the Habs go on the PP. Even if he counts as one of the five skaters, he can't score any fewer goals than CHicken;
• The players get nervous at the Bell because they know the fans will get on them when the PP sucks, so get rid of the fans. When the PA announces the penalty, he should also say "and we ask you all to leave your seats to go get a beer." Playing to an empty arena will allow the players and the CHick in front of the net to concentrate and get the job done.

With these suggestions, I'm confident we can turn the PP around. Let's set this baby up.

Pregame Points - 7 PM in Kanata. On CBC for viewers in Quebec and Ottawa. Habs had that nice comeback win against the Sens just last week, but are now coming off that mess against Fat Marty. After just a disastrous start to the season, Sens came up with a 4-2 win over the Sabres last night, led by Alfie's hat trick and his thousandth point.

Perfect Prose - It's too bad the Sens had a good game last night, because SLC was on the verge of an epic meltdown that would have been bad for his health, but hysterical for his readers.

Powerful Players - For the Sens, the aforementioned Captain, and Gonchar may be starting to turn it around. For the Habs, uh, Big Tits I guess might still be considered hot.

Neither powerful nor players - CHicken, CHicken, CHicken. He's so bad we may soon remove the CH from his name. Giant Mexican need to report for the start of the season, though I guess their rotating wing is not helping. For the Sens, Kovy is goalless and leads his team on the minus side of the +/- ledger, leading to his GM calling him out. Good luck with that strategy, Bryan.

People in Pain - Still no Vodkov, the soon-to-be anchor of our 5-D PP strategy. For the Sens, Spezz sat out last night and Pascal Leclaire remains out, both with a groin injury.

Postgame Penis enlargers - As it is Hockey Fights Cancer Awareness Night in Ottawa for the game, we think it's in poor taste to present adult entertainment. Fortunately, Coed Magazine has no such scruples and presents the Top 60 Breasts in Support of Breast Cancer Awareness Month.

Let's hear your suggestions for the PP in the comments

Ahhh, what could have been - Lightning preview and open thread

Imagine the season opener in an alternative universe where things worked out a little differently. During an 8-game losing streak last March, the Habs sack Count Chokula and the Goat, immediately promoting Guy Boucher to the big club. His free-wheeling style turns the Habs around, and led by Price (thanks to Boucher's skills at communicating with young players), they go all the way to the Conference Finals. During the playoffs, the Molsons have secret backroom dealings with the most promising young GM around, one Stevie Yzerman, and sign him to a 3-year deal after he promises to become bilingual by 2015. In the off-season, Scott Gomez has his right hand mangled in an accident with a Cuisinart while preparing fajitas for a dinner party, losing his ability to grip a stick. His retirement frees up the cap space to swing a Vinny trade, re-sign Dominic Moore and sign backup goalie Dan Ellis after the Little Tits trade. They face the sad sack Lightning in their home opener with semi-nude starlets sitting in the stands. Habs win 6-1, and Tampa tumbles to the bottom of the league by November before they are relocated to Houston prior to the 2011-2012 season.

Woulda, coulda, shoulda happened. Alas, Stevie Y and Guy are working their magic down South, and the Tampa Habs are dangerous and predicted by most to make the playoffs. Welcome to the Habs home opener, in our universe.

Details, details - 7:30 P.M. start at the Bell, though I'm guessing actual puck drop around 8. Lightning won their season opener and the Habs are 1-1, in case you can't keep track of two games so far.

'stie calice - Vinny, Marty, now Simon Gagné and Guy Boucher. Think there will be motivation pour eux autres? J'ai peur.

Early season stats may or may not be misleading - Habs PK 100%, Habs PP 0%. Wherefore art thou Markov?

Please Hamr, hurt 'em - Hamr makes his return to the lineup, shoving Alex Picard to the pressbox. Allegedly he will be playing with Rhino though, not SpatCHes. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

It's a mitzvah - Your Habs goal-scoring leader is Squid, your points leader is Jeff Halpern. Mazel Tov to all!

Pre-game reading - Raw Charge is probably the leading Lightning blog, for whatever that's worth.

Post-game entertainment and adult entertainment - as the game draws to a close, don't forget to vote for the 3 stars, a new task assigned to YOU, the Habs fan this year. Take that task seriously! Vote for the backup goalie who cheered on his team admirably. After you've finished that, sit back and enjoy this video of Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive for 2010, Minka Kelly. I have no idea why I'm posting this, except I feel it's our duty at FHF to chronicle these very important awards that affect us all.

Piss on the fucking Penguins and their new building - Pittsburgh preview and open thread

You know, we hate a lot around here. We love, too, don't get me wrong, what with all the FHF groupie sex we're having. But our shared passion is hatred of certain teams. We play the Bs, we play the Laffs, and are united in our despising of the opposition. It's why a game against Columbus is boring. Not just that it's Columbus, but there is just no animosity there. Makes for a boring game. When it comes to hating, there are the Bs and the Leafs, and then there is everyone else. Oh sure, you could write a 10 Things I Hate or something about just about any team (well again, maybe not Columbus), but there are really only certain teams you really get your hate on for. The aforementioned Bs and Leafs, the Flyers, Detroit, maybe the Rangers (just for the pity), maybe some of the other Canadian teams. For a long time I was terribly ambivalent about the Pens. No more. Fuck them. I hate them and their piece of shit crybaby captain, and I don't care who knows it.

So what was it that pushed my Pens hate to the next level? Well I don't think I need to remind you that the Habs beat the Pens in last year's playoffs. Or maybe I do, who knows your brain my be addled with drugs like mine. Anyway, I really didn't hate the Pens going into that series. I even respected them. I always liked Sid as a player, thought he worked hard, I liked his style. Sure, a bit of a crybaby but what are you going to do. I hated their fans more than the team, what with the fans complaining about us complaining about Sid complaining. Even as the series progressed, even with all the Bettman-inspired bullshit refereeing, I really didn't hate the Pens; my hate was directed at the NHL and CBC announcers. Then Game 7, Sid got an obvious penalty in the first period and cried about it. Man up you pussy. Then, I don't think I need to remind you of his post-Game 7 interview of dickishness. I was starting to hate, but really, it was one player, not the team. I was still ambivalent about them. Then this year rolled around, and the Pens moved into a new building, the Consol Energy Center. In conjunction with that move, the team has unveiled a new slogan:

Destiny has a new home.

Urge. To kill. RISING. Hate: complete. "Destiny"??? You have a fucking "destiny" you motherfuckers? You have jack shit except attitude and assholery. Go piss on yourself and your destiny. Take your destiny and shove it up your Game 7 loss. Thank you, Pens marketing department, for creating a slogan that the rest of the league can coalesce their hate around. Great, I now have something in common with Flyer fans. I hate my life.

Join me for the hate at - 7 PM from the Consol Center on CBC. Both teams lost their openers.

I can even hate on my own team - CHicken and the defense, notably the new Baron von Pylon, Jaro 2.0.

I can't hate - Squid, back from the antisemitic suspension, he of the 7 goals against the Pens in the series last year. And the new guys, Boyd, Eller, and Halpern who all contributed in the Leafs loss.

I can hate in a fun way - The Pensblog. They were always the personification of their asshole fans (at least they were funny about it), but now they redesigned their site. "Oooh, look at us, we're real journalists not bloggers with our fancy schmancy website. We're better than you." You are not.

Piss on the Pens.

For the next few hours, anything is possible - Leafs preview and open thread

Please excuse me while I wax poetic for a while. You know, to classy up the joint a bit. Fuck! Tits! Sorry, just slipped out. Where was I? Ah, hockey. From the frozen ponds of our youth we all have visions of hoisting Lord Stanley's chalice, yet the winds of change MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKER. Man, this classy thing is harder than I thought.

OK, I am just going to get straight to the point. The hours before game 1 of the regular season are the greatest time to be a Habs fan. Or even a Leafs fan, for that matter. Though why you would be a Leafs fan is beyond me. These couple of hours are the time where anything is possible. ANYTHING. Where you can convince yourself that the Habs are going to win the Stanley Cup. If all of the following happen:

• Vodkov comes back 100% and plays at least 70 games like the top 5 D-man he is;
• TFS plays 60-70 games as the number one goalie he could be;
• PFK turns in a Calder Trophy performance;
• Squid pots 40+ goals;
• SuperpleXXXe cements himself as one of the best two-way centres in the league;
• We get some consistent secondary scoring from Big Tits;
• CHicken gets stuck in Panger's trunk and is replaced by Lars Eller who goes on to score 25+ goals;
• Gomez and Gio have consistent, 60+ point seasons;
• SpatCHes and Hamr don't trip over their own feet;
• Our 3rd and 4th lines don't embarrass themselves;
• Count Chokula doesn't screw everything up;
• All of these things continue through the playoffs;
• The deal with the Devil comes to fruition.

If all of those things happen, the Habs will win the Stanley Cup. I believe it, and I know you do too. At least for now. These two hours are precious, people, enjoy them while they last. Because at 7 PM from the ACC on CBC, all of our dreams of Stanley Cup glory will most likely get shattered. Or they would be, if we were playing an actual team.

Your "preview" portion of this post is the following - TFS has sufficiently recovered from his flu to start, yet we are without Hamr (knee), Vodkov (knee), and Squid (NHL wheel of justice). The Leafs have an all-new team this year, so I really can't tell you much about them. Except they suck. Maybe PPP can be more informative. GYFHG.

Media whoring post-script - yours truly is on CBC Homerun at 5:10 or so, discussing Visconti's contribution to the Italian film neorealist movement. Or hockey, whichever comes up.

Hockey's back, baybeeee!!! B's preview and open thread for shut-ins who have lost the remote

Our long national hockeyless nightmare of a summer is over. At 7:30 PM tonight, live from the Bell Centre and broadcast on RDS, Le Tricolore are on the ice for an actual hockey game. Sort of. It's exhibition for fuck's sake. We're excited, but we're not really excited. We want to watch, but we don't want to watch. Will you watch? Should you watch? Let's break it down to help you decide.

Why You Should Watch: Hockey, fuck yeah!!!
Why You Should Not Watch: Pre-season hockey is usually as exciting as watching a 2-hour Americal Idol results show.

WYSW: Louis Leblanc! Louis Leblanc! Louis Leblanc!!!
WYSNW: RDS announcers spending 3 hours McSplooging over Louis Leblanc! Louis Leblanc! Louis Leblanc!!!

WYSW: To see how Montreal reacts to the beginning of the official Carey Price era (p.s. Jaro let in 3 goals on 18 shots last night for a .833 save %. Suck it, TFS haters).
WYSNW: You will feel sick when the crowd turns on him after letting in his first goal.

WYSW: Aaron Palushaj. By all accounts, he's been great so far and Squid is excited to play with him.
WYSNW: There's no chance he'll be in the lineup on opening day so who gives a fuck.

WYSW: It's the Bs for fuck sake! Any chance for hating is good. Cornelius, wherefore art thou?
WYSNW: Without Chara in the lineup, the hate just won't feel the same.

WYSW: What the hell else you gonna do?
WYSNW: Uh, anything?

See you in the comments. Or not.

It's all over tonight - Habs/Flyers Game 5 Preview and Open Thread

So tonight it comes to end. The thrilling action. The unrelenting drive of our heroes. Good versus evil. The love. The hate. The explosions. The ridiculous yet entertaining story lines. The frustration. Fuck, it's been one hell of a wild ride. Over all this time, nothing has been crazier. You can say a lot of things about it, but you can't deny it's been an amazing run. And tonight it's all over. 24 is no more.

Oh, you thought I meant the Habs' playoffs? Don't be silly. Habs got 'em right where they want 'em.

7:00 P.M. - 8:00 P.M. - the hour when we'll know all we need to know. On the plus side if we lose tonight, the torture (see what I did there?) of our Bob Cole et CBC al national nightmare will finally be over.

Hot like naked Mandy - The Flyers, especially Michael Leighton and Claude Giroux.

Cold like the bodies of Teri, George Mason, Ryan Chappelle, Edgar, Michelle, Tony (he's dead to me), Curtis, Nina, David Palmer, Bill Buchanan, Renee, a shitload of bad guys, and several thousand innocent bystanders - The Habs, especially, uh, everyone. If I was forced to pick someone, we'll go with Pleks.

Wounded like CHase's severed hand - Pyatt's upper body. DarCHe takes his spot.

Evil like a Drazen, Logan, Sherry Palmer, any male Bauer not named Jack, any number of Russians, and any number of Middle Eastern dudes from unspecified or fictitious Middle Eastern countries but really they were Middle Eastern don't forget that - Despite her allegiances, Kristin is not really evil.

10:00 P.M. - 11:00 P.M. - the hour when you can either weep or masturbate to an Elisha Cuthbert photo gallery. Or both I guess. Kim Bauer will always be special to FHF. Stupid cougar.

Let's hear your memories of either the playoff or 24 run in the comments. Maybe for the last time, GYFHG.