Habs try to avoid royal ass kicking - Kings Game Preview and Open Thread

Fresh off a capitulation in Philly that would make Vichy France proud, the Canadiens try to regroup and hold on to Fortress Centre Bell with a visit from an array of Kings. Throw down the red carpets and rose petals!

Royal Invite Says: Tonight, at Fortress Centre Bell. On the RDS at 7:30. Habs coming off the big collapse in Philly, Kings got royally screwed in Ottawa on the same night.

Serfing the Habs: Price is still hot. Mad Max scored two goals so here's hoping it's a trend. Gomez is troubling everyone. Pleks, Big Tits and Cammy are cooling off. Gio is back on form. Defence is still a mish-mash. Weber might sit for an actual forward on the fourth line (Darche). Habs are amongst the lowest scoring teams in the league and that can't continue if they want to keep winning.

Since we don't see the Kings and their royal retinue very often, let's take a few moments to review this majestic lineup:

Forward thinkers: Kings have an outstanding group of youngsters up front, with vision, leadership abilities, and hip-swivelling moves. Young center Jesus (King of Kings) Christ makes the apostles on his wings better men with his do unto others assists. His ability to take unholy amounts of punishment and shoulder an immense workload despite his smallish frame inspires this team to greatness. Speedy young winger King Tut has the golden touch, making smash and grab raids all up and down the wing/Nile. Sometimes his youthful exuberance gets the best of him, so he is best paired with some veteran advisers. Flashy King of Rock Elvis Presley dazzles with his swiveling hips, matinee idol good looks and nose for the goal. Only his conditioning holds him back.  Whispers about rampant substance abuse continue to dog Presley, despite the efforts of  LA GM Colonel Tom Parker to nip them in the bud. 

Defenders of the Realm: Big bruising defender of the faith King Henry VIII will be ready to take on Montreal despite a festering leg wound; something about the French language always gets the big Tudor fired up. Henry is a ruthless leader on the blueline, and unsuspecting opponents often find themselves looking up from the ground after the notorious headhunter lays into them. The wild card on the Kings defence is the madcap Burger King; after years as a quiet, stoic leader, often overshadowed by more successful rivals, Burger has unleashed a wild side that has made him a cult favourite with Kings fans. His game has expanded greatly from the days when he was only known for his Whopper of a slapshot; now he has a number of different options to throw at you any time of day.

This Gilded Cage: Lanky stopper Charles, Prince of Wales hasn't even fully grasped the reigns as a King yet and already there are those clamouring for him to be passed in the succession line by youngster William Wales. Charles is seen by many as a decent enough caretaker, but fans are drooling over the potential for greatness they see in blond-haired, blue-eyed Will. Those fans will likely be disappointed for the foreseeable future; Kings management is unlikely to flout thousands of years of succession planning on a whim. However, if Charles abdicates and becomes a free agent, the Kings could really reinvent themselves behind Will's charisma and youthful vitality.

Royal Bards:  Up-to-date info on your favourite Kings gets proclaimed from the highest ramparts by Battle of California and Jewels from the Crown. 

Got any royal proclamations to make?  Anyone hosting a future-king wedding party on April 29th?  Let us know in the comments

Useless Alert! Hossa Being Fitted for Canadiens Jersey and Genitalia Protection

-Mr. Hossa, do you wear it to your left or to your right?

-Well, I shoot left.

La Presse is reporting that the Canadiens have ordered a new uniform for Marian Hossa, which obviously means he's on a plane to Trudeau (YUL) as we speak. He just craved the idea of partaking in hot He-Man love to the tune of the comeback of the century that we reported on yesterday.

It has also been said that he was seen in a supermarket yesterday buying potatos and cheese, which in no doubt signifies that he is learning how to make poutine, which means he's buying a house in St-Eustache.

Reports are also coming in that Hossa spent the weekend watching Amélie Poulain and old François Truffault movies, which illustrates nothing less than his determination to learn the French language and teach it during the summer to Slovakian immigrants.

News is also trickling through that the Habs have requested that Montreal equipment trainers retrieve old Marcel Hossa jerseys in case the order fails to ship on time. This after the elder Hossa informed the team that he always dreamed of playing in his brother's sweaty clothes. Now that's beautiful.

Hossa was also seen eating his food with a spoon which of course means that he is learning Québécois "Rigodon" folk music and mastering the skill of spoon playing. Personally, that's what convinced me that a trade was imminent.

Hossa also made love to his wife recently meaning that he is learning the ways of the warm blooded Québécois.

Reports also coming through the news feed that Hossa was responsible for yersterday's lunar eclipse, which means the deal in Montreal is a lock.

Based on these solid leads, there is no doubt that Hossa has already been traded to Montreal and that Bob Gainey has made arrangements to have Marian's sweater retired on March 18.

La Presse, come closer. Do me a favor and leave the scoops to my friends Ben and Jerry.