Sigh. Leafs 5, Habs 4.

I'm not going to get angry.  I'm not going to get angry.  I'm not going to get angry.  I'm ... okay, the odds are I'm going to get angry. 

About the refereeing.  The first Leaf goal was on a powerplay for the weakest hooking call in the history of hockey.  Kessel's brilliant shot should never have been allowed to happen.  The refs were terrible all game on both sides of the divide.  NHL refereeing is an absolute joke. 

About the goaltending decision.  Alex Auld isn't at fault for goals 1 and 3.  He most certainly is at fault for goal 2.  Jesus Fucking Christ, put your skate on the post.  Why Carey Price wasn't in from minute one baffles me.  No, he can't play every game.  Yes, he just went through a big emotional win out in his home province.  Sure, the Leafs are below Montreal in the standings for now. 

But Price had already shut the Leafs out twice at home this year.  And the Leafs are streaking right now and deserved more respect.  And Price probably felt pretty great saving everyone's bacon in the classic "system" game and was probably raring to go.  And Auld should have played in that fucking ridiculous outdoor game so Price was more rested (you know why Ty Conklin has played in three Winter Classics?  Because glorified shinny games are where you toss in your backup, that's why, Martin.  YOU FUCKING MORON.)  Last night was when the Canadiens needed to step on Toronto's throat and announce that there was no way the ACC was seeing playoff hockey in 2011.  To do that, they needed to have their best player.  You think the Leafs weren't chomping at the bit to get at Alex Auld instead of Price?  Well, fucking Martin didn't.

You know why this review is so late?  Because I honestly couldn't think of the way to put all the angry thoughts I had about Jacques Martin down coherently.  The laundry list of things about that man's coaching last night (and every other night) is actually depressing.  To wit:

• Last night's best line for the Canadiens was clearly Pleks, Cammy and Halpern.  Naturally, when the Canadiens had a powerplay, the correct decision is to start Pleks, Cammy and Andrei Kostitsyn, who proceeded to suck the life out of every chance, muffed an open net, and handed the puck away at an alarming rate.  You know, a typical night for Forrest Kostitsyn.
• The kid line of Desharnais, White and Pouliot showed some real jump at times, with White banging and crashing, DDD winning battles, and Pouliot using his size and speed.  So it made perfect sense to give them roughly 6 minutes of ice time all game, and no powerplay time for Pouliot, one of the only Habs wingers with size, speed and a modicum of offensive talent.  Best to let Forrest Kostitsyn slouch his way around for a minute and a half each man advantage rather than say, a red-hot Max Pac or Pouliot.   
• Lars Eller surely didn't need more than 7 minutes of ice time and no powerplay time or penalty killing time, what with the bang up job the PK did last night agains the vaunted Leafs powerplay. 
• Sure makes sense to hand 20 minutes of ice time to the black hole known as Scott Gomez ... why, who else can make thirty rushes into the Leafs zone, turn his back at the blue line and make a soft pass to a covered winger?
• Fantastic idea to start Hamrlik with the Wiz on every powerplay.  I know when I need a goal on the man advantage, I wouldn't turn to my electrifying rookie D-man.  I'd go with the overworked 36 year old for three times as much PP time than some punk kid with a cannon shot and a penchant for end-to-end rushes.  No sirree, don't want to throw any caution to the wind. 
• And I sure as hell wouldn't want to discuss anything with the referees, whether in a civil tone or not.  Nope, I think it's better to JUST FUCKING STAND THERE DUMBFOUNDED as the game and season fucking drops right off the map in front of me.  After all, my vaunted system has throttled the life out of any possible momentum this team could ever build so why bother? 
• Oh, and before anyone starts calling for Kirk Muller to get the head job, someone answer me this:  What the fuck is Muller in charge of?  Is there any discernible improvement in any facet of this team's game?  Good fucking Christ, these assholes can't even muster enough guts and brainpower to breakout of their own end in the last two minutes ... are you telling me Muller has all these fucking fantastic plans that Martin just ignores?  Muller and Pearn are just as much of a problem at this point. 
• And please spare me the "this team is missing so many guys - to have them where they are is a testament to Martin's coaching" bullshit.  With Markov and Gorges and a healthier Cammy, this team would be still finish 5th to 10th.  Last year's miracle run was because Jaro played lights out for two months, the Pens played abysmal and Bruce Boudreau might be the only coach dumber than Martin. 

You know what?  As angry as I am, there's no sense being so.  Because until Jacques Martin is gone, the Habs are going to be outcoached and out-thought more often than not, and only superhuman efforts from Price, Plekanec, Subban, and the rest will overcome that.  That's no way to win in this league.  Really great teams with transcendent stars can win despite their coach.  Really average teams don't.  One can only hope that by the time PK, Price, Max Pac, Louis Leblanc and the rest of the prospects are in their primes that Martin is long gone.  I honestly have not disliked a Montreal coach this much since Bob Berry.  Fuck, even Mario Tremblay's fucking teams were interesting.  So I give up.  I honestly didn't think I would ever say it, but there is absolutely no hope in me that this presently constituted Montreal Canadiens team will win a Stanley Cup.  And that's sad.  Martin's coaching chokes the life out of his players and has choked the joy out of watching the Habs for me (and I'm guessing many others).  He needs to go, or I will.  Watching the Canadiens is a joyless, bitter experience at the moment, and that's the one thing it should never be.  I refuse to be caught in 6th to 10th, middle-round drafting, out in the second round purgatory with that fucking stupid fool jotting shit down behind the bench as his players get fucked by the refs and trampled trying to play his useless system.  The rest of this year already is shaping up as a Bataan death march of win one, lose two, be life-or-death to finish seventh and avoid getting fucking bludgeoned by the Flyers in round 1.  Fuck it.  Why bother?  This is not a Montreal Canadiens team I can love.  So I won't. 

Habs Nearing End of Dismal Trip: Lightning Game Preview and Open Thread

Okay, everyone is on holidays and I'm guessing very few of you give a rat's ass about the ass-whupping the Habs are taking every night on this trip.  So let's just get this over with, shall we?

The game is at 7:30 in Tampa at the St. Pete Times Forum.  On RDS, Habs TSN.  Canadiens are playing brutal, 1-4 on the seven game trip so far.  Price in net as usual, since Gauthier left us with Alex Fucking Auld as the backup.  Price will be dead by March, btw.

Other stuff you need to know:  Calgary cast off (never forget that ... Calgary has been run terribly for way longer than you think) Marty St. Louis and Steve Stamkos are both top five in scoring.  Hey, remember when we all wanted Vinny and the Lightning wouldn't give him?  Probably could have has St. Louis for peanuts.  Stamkos is probably going to score 5 goals tonight, just so you know. 

Everyone on the Habs looks awful, and I they've clearly quit on that fucktard Chocula.  He's fucking terrible.  Oh, and the guy who should be coach is behind the other fucking bench.  Honestly, I'd rather send PK down to Hamilton so Randy Cunneyworth can rebuild him until Chocula gets stuffed in Panger's trunk.  This team isn't as good as they looked earlier in the year, but they aren't this bad either.  The loss of Markov and Chocula's garbage coaching are twin towers of crapitude. 

Oh, and the Wiz makes his debut tonight.  Wanna bet PK ends up sitting?   Chocula is thinking about it right now.  (I think he hates black people.  Pass it on.  Surely that could get him fired, right?)

Nominations for coach?  I think Bob Berry deserves another shot, whaddya say?

LET'S BLOW THE ROOF OFF THIS MOTHER - Game 3 preview and open thread

FUCK YEAH. And by "fuck yeah," I mean FUCK YEAH. There is just some serious fucking energy when your team comes home for Game 3 in a series tied 1-1. You get FUCKING PUMPED beyond all recognition. Sure, it's all out the window as soon as Sid pops 2 in the first, but for now, FUCK YEAH. HOME ICE ADVANTAGE BITCHES.

Oh, I should warn you. I'm about to lay into a string of expletives THE LIKES OF WHICH THE INTERWEBS HAVE NEVER SEEN. Ha, I keed, I keed. The interwebs have more swearing than a sub full of sailors on leave in the Philippines. I don't even know what that means. HF29 is on vacation BAYBEE!!! And by "on vacation" I mean GETTING FUCKING DRUNK AND HOPEFULLY FUCKING WATCHING THE FUCKING HABS CRACKING A FEW FUCKING PENGUIN SKULLS.

/deep breath

You see, as my vacation started yesterday, it was all full of sunshine, rainbows, and unicorns. But then moeman pointed us to this article, wherein Matt Cooke says PFK's play is "suspicious" because he has sharp skates or something. Matt Cooke? GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK YOU PIECE OF SHIT. GAH. I don't even know where to start with that. All I know is now I have a ridiculous hatred for the Pens that I didn't have before. This was egged on by Sid and his petulant assholery in Game 2. Breaking his stick and tossing it like the whiny little bitch he is. Breaking a stick right next to our hot goalie and then tossing it without regard to anyone's safety or anything? Sound like an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty to me. Oh, no mention of it anywhere? Well, THERE'S A FUCKING SURPRISE. SID CAN DO NO WRONG.

FUCK IT WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT THAT GOLD MEDAL-WINNING PIECE OF SHIT. Habs are coming home and it's gonna be a fucking madhouse. Here's my plea to you Habs fans if you're there: go ahead and boo the shit out of Sid, Cooke, and anything else you feel like. Except the anthem, that's just rude. You're a polite Canadian for fuck's sake. MAKE NOISE NOT DIPLOMATIC INCIDENTS.

And here's my plea to you Habs. FUCKING KICK THOSE FUCKING PENGUIN PUSSY ASSES 'TIL THE WHINING MAKES YOU SICK. Show those pieces of shit Pens no one has more heart than you. Hal Gill, continue your irking of Sid. Josh Gorges, continue your relentless D. Mad Max, shove your stick somewhere great. PFK, put the fear of god into those fuckers with your sharp blades. I AM NOT CONDONING VIOLENCE THIS IS SATIRE. Jaro, continue your relentless frustrating. You have the powa! DON'T LET THIS FUCKING STRING OF FUCKING CUSS WORDS GO TO WASTE YOU FUCKING HABS. GO OUT THERE AND FUCK UP THOSE WHINY LITTLE PENGUIN BITCHES.

/two deep breaths

OK, that's enough. 7 PM at the Bell. I don't know how much more CBC I can take. Go read The Pensblog to get you as fired up as me. Squid is hot hot hot, Big Tits is not, not, not. Métro is back in, while Little Tits continues to chew Milk-Bones in JM's doghouse. Morning skate lines were GMC, Pleks-Squid-MOEmaN, and Big Tits on the 4th line with DarCHe Vader and Métro. No word on Jaro 2.0 and still no official word on Vodkov to my knowledge. Willis Reed, anyone? Let's FUCKING DO THIS THING.

Take three deep breaths and tell us how you feel about Game 3

Little PK's Can Do Big Things (We Hope, Otherwise We're Screwed). Game 2 Preview and Open Thread

Well, as 29 pointed out below, some really bad things happened in Game 1. Markov out. Possibly for the playoffs. Eric Staal got his tendon sliced, which is also bad (no one wants to see that). Pens scored four powerplay goals (Washington fans just kvetched.) Jaro was less than Jaro-esque. Did we mention Markov got hurt? Hoo boy.

Stuff you need to know: Today, NBC and the NHL get the Habs up early to play the matinee at the Igloo. 2:00 on the NBC and CBC and RDS. Those without RDS might be able to escape Bob Cole and Glen Healy's Leaf kissing Habs hating asses over on the peacock network. Jaro expected to get the start. Only a catastrophe on the way to the rink keeps Marc-Andre Fleury out of the Pens net.

Cold like an actual igloo, not to be confused with the Igloo: Well, a whole bunch of Habs struggled through game 1. Urologist struggles with defence at the best of times. The penalty kill struggled mightily. Jaro struggled a little compared to his first series. Big Tits appears to be struggling with basic human functions, let alone skating, shooting and checking. For the Pens, Fleury was a little off. Matt Cooke struggles with being an enormous ass (I know it was a clean hit. I know. Still pissed.)

Hot like, oh, a 4 goal powerplay night: Sidney Crosby now has 16 points in these playoffs. Cammy scored again. Before Staal got hurt he scored and was a big, bruising presence in all three zones. And the Pens are way more physical than the Caps. There were a whole bunch of Canadiens getting rattled into the boards in Game 1.

The awesome starts here: Despite the lopsided nature of Game 1, despite the loss of Markov, the continued absence of Jaro 2.0, the disappearance of Big Tits, the horrible penalty killing, Jaro being a little less automatic in net, I am brimming with optimism for this series for one reason:

Pernell Karl "PK" Fucking Subban. PFK. The Subbanator.

Wanna talk PK? He scored the first goal. Played over 19 minutes. Finished even for the night, and that was with an empty net goal and being stuck with Marc-Andre Bergeron as a partner multiple times. Made a half-dozen "hey, did you see that?" plays. Took off on the rush with no fear of the effin' consequences, baby. Did crazy stuff like dish it behind his back or give the old "how's she going" deke to guys in open ice. Even got the love from Donald S. Cherry.

In other words, PK Fucking Subban was/is the man. Which leads me to believe that this year won't be Dryden '71 or Roy '86 or Roy '93 redux. This is the year that a new Habs chapter is written by Pernell Karl Fucking Subban, with equal doses of ice water in his veins and funk in his stride. PK Fucking Subban, people. The Doug Harvey/Larry Robinson 21st century hybrid straight from Hammertown via Awesomeville. Believe.

Believe in a two-time World Junior Champ. A stone-cold OHL killer. A Hamilton Bulldog rookie who dashed and danced to a plus 46. Believe that he can do it here and now, because he might be the only chance the Habs have got. Desperate times call for desperate measures? PK Fucking Subban cares not for your desperation. PK cares about your adulation. And by the end of this day, he'll have it. Believe.

Pernell. Karl. Fucking. Subban. If only we had more of him. Like a whole fucking team of them. Just like the Beatles used to sing about, when they were all hopped up on goofballs and seeing walruses.

A Team of Pernell Karls

From the time that he was born
In the land of GTA
When Pernell Karl put on his skates
You could tell that he could play

He became a Belleville Bull
And dominated all his peers
Was a Hamilton Bulldog
Played mature beyond his years

We all dream of a team of Pernell Karls
A team of Pernell Karls
A team of Pernell Karls
We all dream of a team of Pernell Karls
A team of Pernell Karls
A team of Pernell Karls

And so now, Markov is out
Doom and gloom, the experts shout
But PK will save the day ...

[Trumpets]

We all dream of a team of Pernell Karls
A team of Pernell Karls
A team of Pernell Karls
We all dream of a team of Pernell Karls
A team of Pernell Karls
A team of Pernell Karls

PK skates with so much ease
Faster than the summer breeze
He will lead us, he's the man
Pernell Karl Fucking Subban

We all dream of a team of Pernell Karls
A team of Pernell Karls
A team of Pernell Karls
We all dream of a team of Pernell Karls
A team of Pernell Karls
A team of Pernell Karls

Do you believe? Tell us about it in the PK Fucking Comments

Bruce Boudreau is emotional

It's mini-post day at FHF! Random thoughts about the game to follow. Here was my personal highlight, Bruce Boudreau calling Varlamov a stupid fuck when he skated back to his goal while being pulled for the extra attacker, leading to a too many men penalty on the Caps that put the kibosh on any comeback.

Imagine JM doing something like this. HAHAHAHAHA.

The Game Day Skate presents The Pantscast, Episode 1

Top o' the Morning, bitCHes! This is it. Loss one tonight! Game one tonight!! Go Pants!

So here's something fun. What do you get when you mix Habs-Caps, a MacBook Pro, and beers and Irish whiskey at Hurleys? You get the first-ever FHF Pantscast! FHF goes multimedia. Yours truly, HF4, and special guest Chris Aung-Thwin of HIO's The Other Wing had quite a little chat yesterday. We of course are previewing Habs-Caps, but along the way you get gratuitous swearing, Brian Burke, my own maniacal laugh, Kobe Bryant, and HF4's pubic hairs. There's still some kinks to work out (like slipping HF4's real name you fucking idiot 29), but we hope you'll enjoy. Just click play or hit the download link. No iTunes subscription yet, we're waiting to hear from you that this was crap before we do it again.



Download the mp3

Mucho thanks to Chris who was just awesome as our first guest. As mentioned during the Pantscast, check out the great work he's doing at Homeless Nation.

OK we're almost getting excited! Though with all the upsets last night, we're not sure there's one left for us. If you went to bed a reasonable hour, make sure to scroll down to the next post for HF4's Little People Preview of the D. We'll see you in the special preview and open thread later today.

FOR FUCK'S SAKE JUST GET A POINT - Hurricanes preview rant and open thread

Listen up, you fucking Habs. We're all pretty disappointed in your behaviour in the face of possibly clinCHing on Tuesday. You came out as flat as a pair of non-Marisa Miller tits, and it wasn't pretty. Oh sure, you fought back a little bit to take a couple of leads, but can you fucking hold a lead? Of course not, because, well, I don't know why. The defense sucks? Count Chokula sucks? You just don't care? (Gio and Moore excepted) Who the fuck knows. All we wanted was some FUCKING DESPERATION. Did you watch the Rangers play last night? Oh sure, they played the Leafs Suck, but they played with desperation. They knew they had to come out strong and win and they did. Are you fucking worse than the pathetic Rangers? No, you're fucking not. Well, SHOW US. Show us how you are desperate to make the playoffs. Show us YOU FUCKING CARE. Go to the fucking net. Dig in the corners. FUCKING WORK FOR 60 MINUTES FOR FUCK'S SAKE. All we need is one measly fucking point to clinCH a playoff spot. Do you think you can manage that you fucktards? This entire season has been a roller coaster ride from hell. You've got two fucking games to show us you mean it. And do you want to go down to the wire, against the Leafs, to have to do it? No you fucking don't. I know most of you weren't here in 2007 when in that same situation the same fucking Leafs of all teams denied us a spot in the playoffs. That wasn't fucking pretty, and no one around here (except eyebleaf) wants to have to live through that shit again. So go out there, at least pretend like you care and FUCKING GET A POINT FOR FUCK'S SAKE. DO NOT BACK INTO THE PLAYOFFS LIKE A BUNCH OF FUCKING PUSSIES. I gave you a naked Marisa Miller. That should be all the fucking motivation you need.

OK, that's enough. 7:30 PM in Carolina and it's on TSN. The starter hasn't been announced as of this writing though I assume it's Jaro, and Squid and CHicken better fucking wake up soon. The end.

A final note. Before I decided to rant, we were working on a preview theme of The Wizard of Oz (you know, hurricane and all that). It included some killer work from GG which I didn't want to be lost to the dustbin of FHF history. You can see it here. The Wicked Witch will give you nightmares.

Fuck. This. Team. Leafs 3 - Gutless Useless Sacks of Shit 0

So, anyone else got plans for the rest of their fucking winter? Look, I understand standing by your team when they put together a decent effort that, for lack of talent or the presence of an otherworldly star or a hot goalie on the other side they fall short, but as TMS said below, there is no fucking way I'm wasting my fucking time on such a rudderless, weak-kneed, gutless, no-fucking pulse bullshit team or performance. Laugh all you want and crack stupid "1967" jokes, claim that Taylor Hall is going to be in Bruins jersey next year, yuck it up that Brian Burke may have tossed a million picks away, but I live in Toronto and that fucking team works its ass off 100% of the time. They don't have a single passenger (well, maybe Blake) and even though they aren't as talented as most of the rest of the league, they are a miserable fucking team to play against.

This fucking Habs team is not. With Andrei Markov out, this team is one legit scorer (Cammi), one complementary scorer (Gionta), one smallish second line centre (Pleks), two potentially good goalies, a host of third and fourth liners and kids who do an average job, a few 2nd pair defencemen (Hamr and Jaro 2.0) and a bunch of 4th to 7th guys, a pair of fucking head case Belorussians and one lazy, soft as Charmin never competes albatross fucking monster contract taking up cap space & ice time. I didn't even see this game and I am fucking sick of this team. At least last year Koivu, Higgins and Komisarek fucking laid it on the line every night.

Plan the Parade: Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you, fuck Gainey for that fucking stupid Gomez trade, fuck Timmins for his annual draft pick of an American high school defenceman that we will never see, fuck Gomez for all the reasons Robert L mentions, fuck injuries burying this team again, and fuck Brian Burke and the Leafs for rubbing the Habs noses in the shit sandwich that is this fucking stupid "chemistry experiment". You want to laugh because this team is 2-1 versus Toronto this year so far? They lucked into an overtime win and a shootout win against a goalie so bad that Leaf fans are pleased when he gets hurt. Stop being smug. But for Vesa Toskala, the Habs are already 0-3 against Toronto this year and the Leafs look to be getting better as the season progresses.

The Sky is Falling: Folks, this is your team. A team that doesn't have the brains, guts, skill or will to run off a winning streak of any length. A team that is way too dependant on Cammalleri scoring and Price standing on his head to win. Blame the injuries all you want ... is Andrei Markov such a world-class talent that this team will be running opponents out of the rink when he returns? Bobby Fucking Orr couldn't carry this team past one of Pittsburgh, Philly, New Jersey or Washington to get a top four finish. Buffalo is going to fucking destroy this team this week. Ryan Miller might fall asleep he'll be so bored.

Chez Paree Bound: Someone might deserve it. Maybe Price played all right, I don't fucking know. I turned the fucking game on and it was 1-0. Thirty seconds later Jeff Fucking Finger scored and that was the fucking end of that. So fuck it. If you think someone played okay, mention it in the comments. I don't give a fucking holy hell.

Here's one fucking problem with this team: Mike Cammalleri is an excellent hockey player, fun to watch and seems to really love being a Montreal Canadien. But the problem with Cammalleri is the problem the Habs have had since Guy Lafleur left: Cammy is an excellent hockey player, but he's a second tier guy. Mats Naslund was a second tier guy. So were Vinny Damphousse, Kirk Muller, Saku Koivu and Alex Kovalev. Even the grand experiment of Alex Tanguay was a second (maybe third) tier guy. The Habs don't have a first-tier guy, don't have a first-tier prospect, and don't have the tradeables to get one, and thanks to the fucking albatross, they don't have the cap space to get one unless they gut the team ... and then they'll look like Atlanta or Toronto, with one world-class scorer and a bunch of hopefuls and spare parts. Of course, if your hopefuls and spare parts WORK FOR A FUCKING LIVING, you can certainly beat this fucking shit Habs team lead by one solid scorer who, as good as he is, can't always conjure up that bit of magic when it is desperately needed. What kind of difference would a Marian Gaborik make to the make-up of this team? Or a playing-to-his rumoured potential Andrei Kostitsyn? Or the Alex Kovalev of two years ago, when he almost (almost) reached tier one status? Fuck. Teams that don't have all-star talent need to have all-star work ethics and all-star luck. Again, this fucking team has neither.

Spare me the injuries excuse, the chemistry experiment excuse, the new system excuse, the whatever the fuck excuse you have this week to excuse this fucking mess excuse. This team is well into the season and they are a schizophrenic, soft, not-very potent offensively team with sketchy defending and weird goaltending lapses. They can be fun to watch, some of them do the jersey proud, and they seem to at least be restoring some dignity to the brand after last year's off-ice shenanigans. But here's the bottom line: They failed to fucking do anything of consequence last night, they fucking fail to do anything of consequence far too often, they fucking win one, lose two, win two, lose by a touchdown, get hurt, make a minor move, get us excited because they might have turned a corner, lose a few close ones, and then pull a fucking shitshow again. It's fucking infuriating, annoying and I'm fucking sick of it but I guess we have to get used to it. This is your fucking team, and it's pretty fucking bad.

Next opponent that will hopefully end this fucking stupid 100th Anniversary Embarrassment: I don't know. Is it Buffalo? I know Boston is going to fucking destroy us on Friday. If there's a game before that, it might be Buffalo.

Independamn-what-the-hell-was-that? Day - Habs 3 Caps 2

Holy motherfucking crap how in the blue hell did that happen? Did aliens kidnap the crap team we've been watching and replace them with the nation's capital destroying monsters we saw tonight? That might be the only explanation. (Note to self: stop writing reviews after putting down a buncha beers, especially if the Cardiac Canadiens are gonna spend half the game playing Stalingrad to Washington's Germans but still win. This might be the first ever all superlatives review, people. McSplooge might have nothing on me. Fair warning.)

Plan the Parade: You're goddamn right I'm planning the parade! I'm delusional! I'm crazy with Canadiens fever! Pleks! Price! Hamr and Jaro 2.0! Squid! Coaches! THIS FUCKING TEAM IS PUTTING IT ALL TOGETHER AND IT'S STANLEY CUP TIME BABY!!!! WHOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!

Seriously, though: Pleks played another excellent game at both ends of the rink, and his linemates Big Tits and Max Pack actually gave him some support. It's early doors on this line, but please oh please let these two be the answers for Plek's cries for help. McSplooge McSplooged all over Hamr and Jaro 2.0, but they kept Ovie and Backstrom relatively quiet all night. Price didn't make any "holy shit" saves, but he was solid and calm and there when he was needed. Oh please oh please keep this going. Travis Moen provided some quality diggin and muckin for Squid and Gomez and potted a goal. Pyatt and White are constantly working hard. And here's a special mention for Mr. Jacques Martin: Hey, do you think Carbo would have had a game plan like that ready for Ovie and the Caps, or would that sucker have ended 9-3 with Ovie getting 5? Martin came into this going with Hamr and Jaro 2.0 against Ovie, shifted lines like a maniac to keep that match-up on the road, and did some clever juggling after something happened to Gomez early in the third. (Here's hoping Martin just told him to take off his fucking jersey, drive back to Montreal and apologize to the Molson's for stealing their money.) Oops. There goes the feel-good portion of our show. On to the angry-I'm-never-truly-happy-plus-I've-been-drinking rant!

The Sky is Falling: Jesus Fucking Christ on a bike Scott Gomez is fucking terrible right now. Anyone who had 22 games in the "That Lazy Overpaid Fucker Gomez is Gonna Drive HF10 Over the Fucking Edge" is the big winner. At one point I made a mental note to compare Gomez to 2007 Kovy, who essentially kneecapped Pleks and Big Tits for the entire year. Gomez was killing Squid and Moen tonight until he mysteriously and fortuitously left the game. I dub him The Albatross, for his contract and the fact that he will haunt Gainey until a) Gainey gets fired; b) Gainey can get rid of him or c) That ridiculous contract runs out sometime next decade.

Jacques Martin nailed Latendresse's ass to the bench at some point. I didn't notice for 15 minutes because Gui! was invisible when he was on the ice anyway. He has had enough goddamn chances and now it's time for an extended trip to the pressbox, aka Chips House (sorry Panger.) Finalement.

Max Pack looked good at points, but please tell me he hasn't inherited the Michael Ryder snakebitten stick of death. He'll need to start potting goals to make Pleks-Patches-Tits a viable second scoring option.

Urologist. Ah, fuck me. Panger, where the hell is your trunk!?!?!

There were points where you could see the Caps smelling blood in the water and it was white knuckle time. At one point I squinted at the tv and pretended it was 1977, the guys in red with the best/most exciting player in the league, the best offensive defenceman going and the goalie getting bored from lack of work was the Habs and it was the hometown white-clad Caps getting shelled. Ugly. But whatever, it worked.

Chez Paree Bound: Pleks gets his regular table. Price gets his regular bed in the champagne room. Squid gets behind the velvet ropes (excellent signing so far, it must be said.) Hamr and Jaro 2.0 get to be two wild and crazy guys in the booths. Martin and the coaches also get some special attention for their Operation OvieStop. Moen, Metro, Max Pack, even Big Tits can have some drinks in perverts row. Basically the Urologist and Gomez get stopped at the door. Hell, I don't even have too many bad things to say about BGL.

Next terrifying, offensive juggernaut in red opponent: Detroit. Saturday night. Summabitch.

Every single one of you is a stupid, ungrateful Fucking Moron.

Careful, Sheldon. Apparently you're next.

Yeah, I'm talking to you. All of you. Every single fucking idiotic person who was in attendance at the Bell Centre on Saturday night who decided, in your infinite wisdom, to boo Craig Rivet.

Craig Rivet!

You remember Rivet, right? Drafted by the Habs in 1992 after his first season with Kingston in the OHL. Went on to toil for the Baby Habs (then based in Fredericton) for parts of four seasons before finally sticking with the Big Club in 1997-98. Worked his ass off for twelve full years in the organization, and became a steady, reliable defender who would help out the offence on occasion, would stand up for his teammates, was good in the room (even wore the "A") and could step up to work the powerplay in a pinch. A loyal soldier, by all accounts a friendly, hardworking sort. Still referenced in almost every feature as our beloved Captain Koivu's best friend. Traded at the deadline a few years back for Josh Gorges and the pick that became Max Pacioretty because he was out of contract in the summer. If I recall, he was devastated at being shipped out.

What, for fucks sakes, tell me what in the preceding paragraph makes you fucking dolts want to boo Craig Rivet when he returns as a member of the Sabres? Fuck me, he didn't demand a trade. He didn't burn his Canadiens jersey on the dais at his introductory San Jose press conference, did he? Did he badmouth the organization in any way? Did he cause the Canadiens any embarrassment while he played for them? Did he use the morning skate Saturday to piss on the logo at centre ice? Did he spend the game throwing cheap shots and waving the finger at the red seats? For fucks sakes, you fucking people need to get a grip. Your team is trying to right itself from a train wreck of a slump, already fired the coach, spent most of the winter doing their best to derail a promising season with mobsters, sulking, atrocious goaltending, drug rumours and more, and in an important game against a team chasing Montreal for a playoff spot, you spent your energy booing a guy who served the team for a decade and got traded? Are we raining garbage down on the Cristowall next visit? Brickbats for Steve Begin? Catcalls for Sheldon Souray and Mark Streit? Hanging Mickey Ribs in effigy ... wait, bad example.

Look, I understand that you've got a right to cheer and boo to your little, dimwitted fucking heart's content. I even enjoy the abuse heaped on guys like Grabovski or Avery or Chara (although really, Milan Lucic should be the one on the receiving end for the Bruins.) But you booed a defensive defenceman on the fucking Sabres ... why? Because he used to play for Montreal and got traded? Players come and go ... do you fuckheads boo every former Hab? Because he took some liberties with our players? Rivet is a not-too-fast, not-too-offensively gifted stay-at-home defenceman. He makes his living shutting guys down and making them think twice about coming near his goalie or teammates. Unless there was a particularly egregious foul I missed, why are you booing a former loyal servant for doing his job? Christ, the Sabres have one of the biggest diving crybabies in the league in fucking Derek Roy, and you fuckers booed Craig Rivet? Get fucking bent, you bunch of fucking twits.

And enough with the fucking OLE chant, for fucks sakes!

We need to go both ways tonight - Leafs Game Preview and Open Thread

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I Don't Wanna Talk About It! Non-Game Review

If I could eat a sandwich after the game this weekend, it would be a "fuck it" sandwich, with a side order of "fuck that" salad.

And I would order it from the caterer above.

Why delve into the obvious? Shots 48-23? Sounds like the new proportions of Anorexic Brazil Barbie. The only difference between today and last month is that our goalies are not playing like assholes.

But the rest of the guys are. They're playing like a bunch of assholes.  Now, where's my "fuck this" apple pie...

NHL Disciplinary Arm Can Shove That Arm Up Its Ass

A fucking joke.

A real fucking joke.

It's going to take an NHLer in a wheelchair for the rest of his life for the NHL to open it's eyes.

So freaking irresponsible.

"The fucking worst time of your life" - Panthers 5, Suckity-sucks 1

Multiple lap dances to Robert over at Eyes on the Prize for shooting this our way. Robert captured this moment for posterity, and it is outstanding. TFM(tm) swearing in his post-game interview. He should write for FHF!

Apparently Carey went a little batshit in the room after the game, throwing his pads around and generally being royally pissed off at being left to the wolves by his teammates. Good for you, Carey, we're pissed off too.

Consider "the fucking worst time of your life" as your game review. Next up, Sexy Friday.

Nobody wants to review that shit, so fuck it.

Pretty much sums it up. The Bruins (and possibly the refs?) fucked em.

Well, we either didn't see the game or we're too fucking pissed at losing to the Bruins to fucking review it. Don't worry, you black and gold wearing fuckers. You'll fucking get yours in the fucking playoffs. 

HF4- Hold it right there, HF10!

Before we ask the Bruins to collectively suffocate on the smell of their own farts, let's not forget how the Habs made Chara look like Charo for a couple of periods.

Let's not forget how Halak played one of his better games this season, square to the puck, round in the bum cheeks. 

Let's not forget how the power play is starting to look like the menace it has been for the last 2 years. Let's not forget that I would still welcome Vincent Lecavalier on this same power play with molasses all over my body. 

Let's not forget that Tomas Plekanec is starting to look like that slightly better than not too shabby center we saw last season. Let's not forget that we would ship his ass to Tampa for Vinny Lecavalier, Romanian container style (in return we would get one container holding Vinny and another containing the molasses).

Let's not forget that the Habs held Patrice Bergeron off the score sheet last night, which required a total team effort. 

Let's not forget that Harry Sinden will never be a member of the Montreal Canadiens and that no matter how well he plays for the team Marc Savard will be devising schemes to urinate in Sinden's ears for as long as he remains a Bruin.

Let's not forget that Benoit Brunet's laugh during broadcasts will soon land him the role of the Count on Sesame Street. "Quel but de Guillaume, son troisième but, trois buts, HA HA HA!" 

It's time to get fucking serious - Bruins Preview and Open Thread

Seriously, it's time to get fucking serious people. No more dicking around. Sure, Carbo's off to the All-Star game because of our record. Sure, the pundits claim we are one of the class teams of the East. But as the second half starts, it's time to see if we measure up against a really good team. The B's are a really good team? Fuck and yes. Tops in the East. One point back of San Jose for best in the league. Leading the league in goals against. Sure, they're coached by Claude Julien, but that hasn't stopped them. We said that the Capitals game was a test, but we got your real fucking mid-term exam right here [grabs crotch]. I'm fucking swearing a lot 'cause I've got the HF10 B's hatred building up. Let's fucking get to it, shall we?

Waiting in line details - 7 PM start at the Boston arena named for a Canadian bank. On Versus for the minuscule subset of the population that reads FHF, is American, and actually gets Versus. Habs are riding a ridiculous 9-1-1 streak while the B's have won 17 out of their last 20 (with a 10-game win streak thrown in there). Jeebus. So far this year, B's have won one regulation game (a crappy 6-1 effort in Boston), and the teams each have a skills comp win.

Pay your cover charge to - Cornelius Hardenbergh and The Hockey Blogging Adventure likes yelling and beer. We're like twins!

Hot sexy Habs to watch - Big Tits, 5 points in his last 2 games, Gang Bang 7 in his last 4, and what the hell, even with his gaffe we'll throw Breezer in here. Let's show some fucking love to Mad Maxxx and Plexxx, too.

Skanky Habs to watch - 9-1-1 means this space is pretty empty, though we think Dagger is on the way back to Hamilton pretty soon.

Hot sexy Bruins to watch - you may remember Michael Ryder, 4 points in the last 2 games. Tim Thomas is off to the the ASG, with his 4-1-0, 1.81, .938 in his last 5 games. Marc Savard and David Krecjijcjcji are both averaging more than a point per game, and are +29 and +25 respectively.

Skanky Bruins to watch - same note as the Habs.

Not dancing due to too many vodka Red Bulls - the list is the same as always for the Habs. Koivu is close, close, close, but no cigar. B's also have injury issues. Besides the usual (Sturm, Bergeron), leading scorer Phil Kessel is now on IR with the kissing disease. And it looks like Lucic may not play either, thus disappointing those looking for blood in the form of DOOM's revenge.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - Ten's Show Club has a golf tournament. That's all I need for an endorsement.

Make sure you are fucking serious in the comments

Our Long National Nightmare is Over

If you think I'm posting a pic of that waffling bastard when lovely ladies like this exist, you're on the wrong site

Wait, this is what we've been waiting for? Six fucking months of breathless news updates, 50,000 Eklund "the Habs are still in this (E5)" fucking posts, a different Gomez to Edmonton/Vancouver or Rosival to Anyone Willing to Take Him Ranger salary dump rumours every week, and this is the finish? It's the Canucks? Sweet fucking Christ on a bike, that was a fucking waste of time.

I'm not going to rehash any of the "rental player" comments, because Not-So-Welcome Mats will be hearing that one for the rest of his sorta-kinda tainted career and retirement. And if you're looking for the enraged, bitter, "he shoulda signed with us" Habs fan point of view, move on. Frankly, I'm almost blase about the whole thing. Seriously, the Canucks? The fucking Canucks? When it looked like Mats to the Rangers was a done deal yesterday, I sent the rest of the FHF the following email:

"Guys, if Sundin announces today, I got something to say about it. Actually, whenever he announces, I've got something to say about it. Spolier alert: There's a wee bit of cursing."

I was ready to go Mickey Ribs wild on Mats. The idea that he would jerk around so many teams for so long (yes, our beloved Habitants included) and then sign for the Rangers made my expletive regulator blow right off. Not sure why. Now, with Mats signed to the Canucks, I'm strangely zen about the whole thing.

Well, not entirely zen. The breathless, will he, won't he, he sold his house, the Rangers have a deal in place, the Canucks offered him $50 billion dollars and the Sedin twins' sister, Bob Gainey met Mats and cooked him a lovely seafood dinner, CONSTANT FUCKING MEDIA BARRAGE drove me batshit. At the very least, Mats Sundin deserves a massive fuck you and a smack across his big bald undecided pate for allowing this fucking circus to go on for so long, especially considering the countless rumoured deadlines he or his agent put in place all fucking summer and fall. Fuck.

At least now, after the wailing, gnashing of teeth and "love him/hate him" debate from Toronto subsides, and the signing is beaten to death from every angle, we can all expect to hear a lot less about Mats, his vacation habits, his desire for privacy, the rumoured deal Fletcher had in place, blah blah blah. It's over. For fucks sake, it's finally over.

Until his first fucking game. Then it's really over. Until Hockey Day in Canada, which just happens to be the only Canucks-Leafs meeting this year. Then it's really, really over. (Fuck. Ron Maclean and Kelly Hrudey and PJ Stock and Steve Armitage and Cassie Campbell and every other fuck at the CBC are going to flog that fucking dead horse for 12 straight hours ... it will make a Manning vs Manning Superbowl look subdued).

But for now, we can rest, knowing that the Canucks have greatly improved their chances of getting steamrolled in the Western Final by San Jose instead of meekly surrendering in the semis or quarters to Detroit or Anaheim or Chicago. Fucking bravo, Mike Gillis. Fucking bravo, Mats. (Once again, I'll leave the "Mats will go to the place where he has the best chance to compete for a Cup" stuff to others.) [Cough. Cough. Cough. Cough.] It's finally fucking over.

Hey, anyone hear any Kovalchuk rumours?

The Morning Skate for Friday, December 12th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a naked Jennifer Aniston...

• Oh the suckage. Tampa comes alive, Marty and Vinny take care of the Habs 3-1. Not only did we suck, AGAINST THE WORST FUCKING TEAM IN THE LEAGUE, but the bodies are dropping like flies, and last night was Saku. Oy. More later today;
• I'm sure other games happened, but I'm too fucking annoyed to write anything else.

That kick-ass positive attitude didn't last long, did it?

Plan the fucking parade, bitches - Habs 4, Flames 1

Sorry about the lack of a review earlier today, kidz. Best laid plans of mice and men and all that yada yada. But we did want to point out a couple of salient facts before we forget the gloriousness that was the Habs outstanding victory, in light of our new kick ass positive attitude:

• Fuck yeah, The Dagger. No fear. No quarter given. No remorse for grabbing a fucking loose puck, banging it out of the fucking air, almost losing control, regaining, dipsy-doodling and burying it. Four goals in four games. Take that to heart and shove it up your ass, Gui!
• Gang-banging the Tangy Russian - you knew eventually, Carbo would come up with this line (he tried all the other combos) and eventually it would pay off. Last night was it. We bitch on Kovy for not scoring, but he did plenty of other good fucking stuff last night;
• Jaro!!! meeke many save and show Coch Carboner who boss;
• El Dandy playing the rest of his shift with a FUCKING BROKEN ARM. God fucking love you, sir. That's hockey Don Cherry would be proud of;
• Take your fucking pussy complaints Coach Keenan and shove them up Elisha's ass (ooh, sounds like fun!). Phaneuf cut inside at the very last second as Markov was setting up a perfectly legal hit. Yeah, fuckface, I'm sure he wanted to injure a player for no reason at the end of a game the Habs had well in hand;
• All in all, pretty fucking pleased with ourselves, and happy the curse of HF29 was bullshit. Until the next game.

Gainey on Mats: "I don't have a fucking clue what that big dumb bastard is doing"

"Seriously, do any of you guys know what he's fucking doing?"

Canadiens General Manager Bob Gainey addressed the Mats Sundin saga/soap opera/sideshow/clusterfuck yesterday, and he's in the same boat as all of us, apparently:

"We haven't had much contact with him. It appears he's not interested. He hasn't asked many questions about the organization ... We haven't spoken to Sundin's camp for at least a week," he told RDS. "There's nothing new, he hasn't decided anything yet. He told me he'd decide in August and today's the 26th. We'll know, provided he respects his own due date, his decision should come sometime throughout the next week."

Gainey also stated he felt the Habs were the perfect team for Sundin at this point in his career. While that is debatable, the Canadiens certainly do offer an enticing blend of young talent, history, and a rabid fanbase, making them an attractive proposition for many players (idiot media, language police, taxes, and general crazy excluded.)

But frankly, this whole thing has gone on way too long. Is Mats Sundin really this conflicted? Is he selfish? Just fucking obtuse? He must know that by this point any decision he makes will be greeted more with a "fucking finally!" than anything else. Reports keep mentioning "five or six teams" whose current players, fans and management are all going to have quite the bone to pick with Mats if and when he decides on a destination. You don't think he'll hear it in Philly or New York or Montreal if he signs elsewhere? You don't think Leaf fans will brand him a Judas if he leaves Toronto for Montreal for free rather than for a boatload of picks and players? You don't think there will be some resentment even in the room he finally deigns to join after this whole act? At this point, I want Sundin to go somewhere else so I can boo his ass everytime I see him. How do you think the Canadiens feel? Fuck, Alex Tanguay can't even pick his jersey number just in case Sundin gets his fucking head on straight and makes a decision.

I'm sure it wasn't your intention to drag this out, Mats. I'm pretty sure you aren't a prima donna, but I'm stunned that this has gone on so long. But please, do SOMETHING. Go to the Rangers and be the man on Broadway. Take the no pressure way and go to the Leafs, where they might (might) forgive you and love you again. Sign with Detroit and blend into the background for a Cup. Retire. Whatever. I don't care anymore. Just stop fucking jerking Bob Gainey, the Habs, and their fans around.