This is My Bird Called a Song Sing by Swan

Helo, Mentreal.

I sad today. 3 week ago, I pley my last game in Cenedien joursie. I take Cenedien teem to canference finals for first time since 1993.

1993, what a year of crazy time. Cenedien teem win last Cup and year of dissolution of Czecolslovakia, where my home Slovakia and husband Czech republic file for Velvet Divorce.

Today, Mentreal, Cenediens file for another divorce, the divorce from me Jaro. Cari the fat wale now become big big goalie. Cari the fat wale is so fat I call him cupcake when I no call him wale. Sometime I call him fat cupcake wale. One day I call him Cari fat wale cupcake. I even call him fat Cari fat wale fat Cari wale cupcake.

I think Cari tell Pierre Go-tyay! listen Pierre, I always be called names by Jaro. He call me cupcake and wale and it make me cry from tears to my eyes. I no understand Pierre. I hate cupcakes. I hate cupcakes like Indiana Jones hates snakes. I want Jaro go now.

Cari want to stey in Mentreal and put big red Cenedien jersey. Cari make the divorce.

1993 was the Velvet Divorce. Today fat cupcake wale Cari make the Red Velvet Divorce.

I dont know Mentreal wat more I supose to make on ice for Mentreal teem to sey, oh Jaro you my favorite animal. I pley Olivechkin, he say I shake, I shake his hand 2 week later then he go score gols in internashional tournament in small arena in Bern. I pley Crosboosbie, everybady sey he best pleyer in planet of world of erth, and 2 week later he tell me he cant pley hockey anymore and he want to sell itubes on internet to sell contraband tubes of falopian for women who want more tubes. Great idea Crosboosbie!!!

Then i pley Filadelfia cream teem, where it all began, but teem no want to do important thing to do wen pley big haockey games in pleyofs; put gols behind the ass of other golie in other teem! I think Mike Camelarry sey to teem "ok teem, we win this series but best way to do it is no score any gols for 3 games ok? Who's with me teeem? On 3!: one, two, three!!!"

Ok listen Camelto, plan not work too good well. Cupcake stay on bench for 5 more games making more fat in his wale ass, teem no score one gol for 3 games and we lose series like Czecolslovakia lose half it's letters in 1993.

3 weeks later, teem look at me and sey, hey Jaro, bye Jaro. Good luck Mentreal with your Eler Meller and Ian Miller Big Fat Name sound like german Shultz. I not no if these pleyers no how to skate without training blades (yes, you know the litel blades they but on two sides of your litle skate when you are litel Jaro baby so you no fall on litel Jaro ass on lake near Bratislava!). You see, Eller and Shultz, when Go-tyay! remove the training blades, hold on to big fat Cari's boobs!

Now, I go to Louis Blue. City with so funy name! Oh Louis, you not very blue! Ok, I from Bratislava Green! But Bratislava green not possible because Bratislava no recycle anything but yogurt.

My best frend and agent Alloun Walsh tell me Jaro we going to take over NHL and every boy will have litel Jaro head of bobles and make me look like my head have pooopilepsie like Kastoutsyn. Alloun tell me we go to judge judy arbitration and we can sey to judy, "Hey Judy! I'm Jaro! Give me maney!" And Judy give me billions of dolars and big boat. Walsh sey Jaro so powerful now we make peace in middle of east and we rename city Jaroshalayim. Jaro will be on box of Jaro cereals with Cari and commercials that sey "Silly, wale, Jaros are for golies!"

I number 1 in Louis Blue. No more fat Cari, no more crazy Mentreal, no more talking to you here my friends. Wat crazy stories we sey to each other! We became good friends Mentreal, we will always have Paris.

Thank you for reading and for making Jaro one the most pleasant experiences of my life.

Goodbye, Mentreal.

WHO SHAKING NOW OLIVECHKIN!!! Game 6 Review: Habs 4 - Caps 1

Helo to everyonebady! It's me again, Jaro. I so hapy to see you again, but for now, I want to talke to my gret and very nice friend, Alexendre Olivechkin.

Alex, last week, after my Cenedien teem play game number 2 and lose, I was taking spa in lacker room with bubles and eulicalitucus oil for good smell to water and I watch jurnalist media press conference that Olivechkin say to media journal peeple. And Alex, he talke about me!!! Si I listen to it on iphone with my slinbbox pleyer on iphone that help me to control my digital rsvpr box at home and watch my tv on my iphone and sell more itunas. Itunas is gret beesiness.

So I pleying with my bubles and I hear Olivechkin sey. "Ya, I see Jaro and he drink water after gols we scrore to behind his net and his hand was shaking, so we think Jaro is very scare".

Olivechkin. I have this to sey to you, my friend.

There is nathing cooler than shake. Its all about the to shake.

My favorit music is the shakedancing from when we were litel children in Bratislava. My mather would tell to us, "hey kids, go make maney on the streets for to us and dance for femily!" So we bot a gret record by Herbi Handcock. My brather think this was audio tutorial for learn to mastourb but he put record on pleyer and we here this fentestic shake dance beets! We make such good shake dence and meke gret many that summer of 84 in Bratislava! Oh, Handcock!

Of course the shake music is so good. Olivechkin that you have to be looser to not love the best song in world today, with gret inspiration words: "My milkshake bring the boys to yard and the boys like they better than your and the boys like they beter then yours, my milkshake it bring the girls to..." Oh, milkshake song! Best song to sing at karayokidoki while I pley my sakudoku. Even gret Peter Gabriel have Shaking the Tree. Thank gad I buy tickets for thursday concert in Mentreal and not tomorrow becase then I cant play game 7! Ouf! So lacky!

But gret shaking not end there, Mr. Olivechkin. There is more to shake, you fat mammal.

Gret shaking movies, like most smart and teling movie in a post-war era involoving countries that tear by difficult conflict that doucimates the econamic leyer of these fragile societies. Yes, Shake Hands with the Devil, the Martoun Bradeur and Romeo and Juliette Dallaire stori is good to make me cry all the time i watch everytime.

But no, Mr. Mister so taf and macho Olivechkin, you no show your teers becase you so man.

Shaking is the best. Even peeple that shake sametime are gret peeple like my amazing frend Andrei Kastoutsin who sametime shake in the bum becase of his poopilepsie. We go out for drinks with his brather Sergei and the friend Pasquale and Andrei tell me "Oh, no Jaro, my but hurt so mach I have to go to toilet!" And he run to toilet and me and Sergei and Don Pasquale (he want me to call him Don, but he name not Donald!!! So funy!! Ok ok Don, call me Bob Jaro - Bob Jaro and Don Pasquale friends for the life!!!). So, ya, Andrei run to toilet for bum poop, so I sey to the boys, look Andrei and his poopilepsie again! And we all laf hard and Sergei give Don Pasquale litel envelope wth Cenedien logo on it and number of his bank acount.

Shaking make love amazing fentestic Alex. But you not know this.

My blond byeautiful girlfrend who sey bye to Cari during Oulympics tel me to be in bed with her becase she love when I make bed shake so mach. She sey Cari never make bed shake like this, only Jaro do this. My girlfriend sey that one time, Cari try to fool her becase she was upset bed dont shake enough and Cari took her to motel and he said bed would shake and he asked her to close eyes and so she only close one and she see Cari put coin in machine next to bed. Cari only know to make machine robot shake love!!! Me Jaro, my bed shake man made love shake!

You know wat I eat yesterdey before game Alex when I make 32 saves on you? I eat chicken, shake and bake chicken. You know what my favorite temprature is Alex Olivechkin? Earthquake temprature. I want to build my house on san andrea fault, but I sad for san andreas becase poor san andreas, its not his fault! I speek to Mike Richter about this, but he hang up on my face.

Alex Olivechkin, hear me now. I can tell you all this but it not matter. The most important shake in my life will happen in 36 hours, when I shake your hand at centre ice. You will see how my hand shake then. Too bad for your game yesterdey. Try to shake it off.

DREAMS OF JARO: Devils 2 - Habs 1 (O.T.)

Helo Mentreal! It's me, Jaro! For so too long now I heer in pepers that we gat big prablems in Candediens teem. Two golies who want pley mach hackey but only one net on ice! Crazy nhl! Why put one golie on bench if teem no get points when shoot to bench!

I so sad Mentreal. Jaro so sad. I pley and pley and I put no gols to behind me in my net and Mentreal teem that pley so bad and give me 97 shots to every game win always and always the time. But fans no love Jaro. Teem no love Jaro.

Jaro wait and wait and wait for love, but nobady love Jaro. Noo Jersi so gret teem with Martoun Bradore in nets. He prabably ween stanley cap one day. They sey I pley him in Vancuver in Toothpiclympics. I kent wait!!! Brader!!! Only I ween stanley cup in Vancuver!!!!

Noo Jersi pley so good with coch Jack Lemayor. He mayor of Noo Jersi you know? But he speek french so they call him LeMayor. Ok! Ok! Jack I also mayor of Slovakia, so you call me Lejaro. Jersi so gret teem they pley trap hackey but game so open with gret chances and mayor of Paris Parisé score too meny gol on me to my net!

Now I lose game and peeple sey oh fat Cari have to but whatle ass in my net to pley next game because Jaro no beet Lemayor hackey. And Jaro so sad. And he hear rumors about asking to go away and leave Mentreal to to other gret teem. It's nat truue.

I never ask to trade. Never. I asked Bob Ganee if I could leeve teem and accoomplish my dreeem. So many time I sey to me, I want to eat good taste tuna sandwich and I have to tuna in house! Then coch Martoun call practice and I practice like great golie all day and i go home and i sey to me "Oh no! I forget to buy my tuna for make my tuna sandwich! And I so hangry for tuna!

What if I could be my tuna ontheline, on the internet? What if i could rate my tuna and sey "Oh this was the best tuna or no, yash this was not good tuna!" Or what if a geniuous could tell me "Hey Jaro! If you like this tuna we think you will mach like this other fish!"

My dreem is to leave Mentreal and leave hackey and to create for the world iTunas:

I create my campany called Fish and we make iTunas where you can always have tuna even when hackey coch call you for to parctice and you forget to go to supermarcket to buy good tuna. Now you can buy tuna on iTuna store and we send it to you in tuna truck in one hour! Can you beleeeve???

You can put itunas on your typewriter and down to load iTunas and create lists of favorite moments of tuna! You can make tuna ringtones made with different sounds tunas make! my friends did this and listen what they say!

- Jaro: Hey Bill did you down to load tuna ringtone?

- Bill: Uh, yeah Jaro, I put the tuna ringtone and I missed all my calls because I could never hear the phone ring.

- Jaro: Fentestic!!!

Be like my friend Bill and get tuna ringtone. Soon I dreem to make the perfect phone for peeple to buy tuna from telefone! When my iCod comes out people can buy tuna on iTunas directly to from music pleyer!!! Every week I talk about fish in my video that i put in the Codcasts on iTunas and peeple will will mach love this videos! I will talk about gret tuna in Slovakia that my mather made to me everyday, every single day. I ask my mather for hambourger and she sey No Jaro, tuna.

You can buy so mach tuna on iTunas. Tuna from anywere in worl! Rio tuna, Pastene Tuna, 4 leef of Clover tuna, Leef of Mapel Tuna. Ha! Taranto so gret teem they like me Jaro! They pley hackey and they also sell tuna! And maybe if I am so rich I make JaroMayo for to go with my iTunas! If you have prablems with itunas that send you meny mails I give you fishware to make tuna stop. Its promise from me Jaro!

I no want pley hackey anymore. I no want be call names by Fat Cari Wale. I kill wales in my tuna net! I want to sell tuna! I want to dance.

Jaro want traide right fakking now

Coch Martooni alweys play Big fat wale Cari all games and Jaro not get chence. I want to go on the new teem, like Pheely. Jaro want to pley in citee where brothers make love each other.

Jaro speek to Talke to Jaro: Choocago 3 - Mentreal 2

Jaro: Jaro! Oh Jaro we so bad to pley when we come to city withe the wind in the air! I so heppy to have brather like you hoo understande to me and speek like me! Oh Jaro, wat we do?! We pley like litel peece of dust to get blow by big manster wind in city of wind in the air.

Jaro 2.0: Look not pale, Jaro, thy coach shall not frown.

Jaro: Wat? Jaro you crazy!

Jaro 2.0: Jaro, dear countryman, you have been an able host and have afforded me your kindness, but you shall trust that thy coach shall not frown.

Jaro: Jaro you speek in Slovak now? Dont you kno we break country meny year ago and now we have own lenguege and you can speek to me in our lenguege?

Jaro 2.0: I bid you to come to your senses, my friend.

Jaro: JARO, YOU SCARE ME! Speek to me like normal! Cam on! We pley so bad in city of wind in air and Cari lose AGEN! Agen Cari lose! He have win amnesouisa. He forget how ween! He like "helo I'm fat Cari, I borne in Britieesh Coolumbia but have no spanish accsent, and I remember everryting in world but not how ween. I dont kno how ween".

Jaro 2.0: Nay, Jaro, I will impart on thee the path to glory.

Jaro: Partonthee? Jaro is this city in Slovakia! JARO YOU TRETOR SPY FROM SLOVAKIA!!! YOU SCARE ME!!!!

Jaro 2.0: You may never be with me, Jaro, if I be afeared.

Jaro: I want cry, Jaro were are you? Helooooo, Jarooo!

Jaro 2.0: Carey, our young tender of goal was once in fact a glorious tender. He is no half a man. And if he were a half, I would be the other half, for to share in the glory of such brilliance is to be a better half. You see, Jaro, I once said, I'll have no halves. I'll bear it all myself. How foolish of me to say. While Chicago commanded us to kneel before them, he shunned their proposal and stood in bold defiance, that Carey. And it became worse and worse. 1-0. 2-0. Yet Carey would not come.

Jaro: Cari is a big fat wale and he no come to Choocago becase he no swim in the wind! And also, I don't speek Slovakian Jaroooo!

Jaro 2.0: Wrong you are, Jaro, he could swim in the wind if it were the path of his choosing. In fact, I heard a Patrick Kane ask young Carey, "Carey, you must come to me forthwith". But Carey declined.

Jaro: Jaro I so tired to leessen to this slovakia proupagandhi. Oh look at me, I so Jaro, I write poems, I have hats with fethers and dvd of balley. Fak you Jaro! You no brather to me. You no even check repoublican! You samboady else! I tell bab ganey to get my brather Jaro away from Bafala becase pooor Jaro alone in Bafala and get fat with chiken weengs. Help my brather came to Mentreal were he can be to bed with meny Mentreal woemen like me Jaro. But no! You Jaro kiss the ass of wale and speeek impassible slouvakian speek!

Jaro 2.0: The horn on your head reveals the mule in you. Roundly replied, young Jaro, roundly replied, but bare in substance. Your team played a better game than you bring them credit for. You measure your team's sorrows by your blind hatred, and yet now, fair befall thee good Jaro and you have been given your chance and this has become your team. Yet you still spit blood on the fouler fortunes of your mate Carey.

Jaro: there is two words in balley Jaro. Balls and gay.

Jaro 2.0: Nay, it is intolerable to hear such words. Not to be endured.

Jaro: De do do do, de da da da, is all I want to sey to you, Jaro! I never been so scare of slovakian since my mam show me slouvakian dracula vampire movie in slouvakian. Wow, good Jaro! You make slouvalikan vampire on halloouweeen! Good Jaro! I pley against Taranto tonight and coch Martoon will love me Jaro and Cari will never pley to the net agen. NEVER AGEN!

Jaro 2.0: Jaro, you will, one day, understand the proper way, and in time you will smell less and less of dirty cabbage, but for now, I will live in regret of my decision to share a room with you on the road, and should this kinship be mended, very well mended then I will lose the regret conceived by me. But anger hits me now. Carey is a soldier. I can thee for the perils he stands in the way of, for the sake of his team. His bravery is magnificent. 'Tis ten to one now, Jaro, it'd maim you outright. Away now, Jaro, away. I've been shot to the heart, and you're to blame, you give Jaro a bad name.

Behold the power of Czech Sausage - Habs 3 Isles 2 (OT, again)

Mmmmm, sausage. In his post-game interviews, Hamr called the beautiful saucer pass that Pleks delivered to him for the OT winner a "Czech Sausage." I have no idea whether or not the Czechs even make a decent sausage, and I am vaguely disturbed by the sexual euphemism of the whole thing, but fuck with a pass like that, you could call it a pile of piss and I'd still lick it up.

Plan the parade - as I wrote in TMS, it was the unsung heroes that came through. Giant Mexican Squid was pretty quiet, but some other guys came to play. That's a good sign. MOEmaN came on strong, working hard in front of the net for his goal. Jaro 2.0 had a real solid game after a bad one Saturday, getting his first goal as a Hab. Métro was supposedly not even starting, and he came through with 2 assists and another game where we wondered where the hell this guy's been all these years. Pleks continues to be completely un-zombified, and his work on the OT winner was a sight to behold, working around 2 D to deliver the perfect Czech Sausage. The D played pretty well as a unit, even Gill and The Urologist looked semi-decent in the defensive zone. I didn't notice any suckitude on their parts. Gorges had his usual quiet, efficient game. Mara and Jaro 2.0 are really putting in big minutes with the loss of Markov and Rhino. Remember them?

And it's time for Jaro to get his own paragraph. Through the four game win streak, he has really kept us in it. Made the key saves when he had to. Looks comfortable back there, confident. TFS may be the future of the team, but for right now, Jaro is the present. Though I fully expect Cari gets a start at some point this week with 3 games in 4 nights, if he sucks in that start, things could get ugly. Especially in the media, and the blogs. Those bloggers can be ruthless assholes.

And even though they didn't score, I think both Gui! and even Big Tits to some extent had decent games. They seemed to be working hard. As I have mentioned several times, that's all you can ask for. Add an ever-increasingly confident CHips to the mix, and the lower lines were making things happen.

The sky is falling - after the dominance of Saturday, GMS was strangely quiet. They didn't seem to have the same click they had Saturday. It's bound to happen some games, we just need to make sure the rest of the guys can back them up.

Can no one fucking count to 6 on this team? Two too many men on the ice penalties is a disgrace for a coach who is supposed to be great behind the bench. We took some other stupid penalties too. Not that the refs were great, but you can't blame them.

And let's face it, we needed OT to beat a team that's near the bottom of the East. That shit ain't gonna cut it for our next two games.

Chez Parée bound? The VIP room is full of Czechs. A bunch of other guys are lounging around the stage, but no one is really staying late and getting complimentary blowjobs.

Next evil evil foe - A real fucking test, tomorrow night in Pensburgh.

My Gad! Mentreal 4 - Leef of Mepel 3 (more of the time for more time)

He’s a Stempniak, STEM-PNI-AK on the floor, and he dancing like he never dance before! So good song!

Helo to the Erth of welrd. It’s me! Jaro! Sesoon start lest nite and we Cenediens teem pley greatest teem in werld Taranto Leef of Mepel. So hepy we start to pley. Sesoon of stop was sooo long, my gad!

I bisy like bee that very bisy at work becase secreteri bee quit her jab becase problems at home too dificul to live and husbande bee just stay home and drink honee brown ale, so not enough staf at the work where only bees work. So busy.

But sumer was good so mach!

I take meny Engleesh lesons this summer. Helo I am Jaro and I borne in haspital bed! So much good when compare to last yeer! Now I talk inglish so wel good and so strong not like stupide Cari who so fat but talk like he borne not in haspital like me Jaro but in country called Watyousayyousofatcaria. Oh Cari you so wale!

Coch Carbonner gone! So good for me Jaro becase he only want to invertiew me on tv now on Canada Night of Hockey. No, no, Carbo sey, don’t invertiew Gianta, he talk like Cari, so low, take Jaro movistar.

Cari pley so scare last nite, like he know Carbonner no take him for tv talk. Koumisarek pley so good joke to us, he come on ice in sweter of Mepel leef!!! Oh Koumi so crazy, I laf so hard on bench!!!! Ok Ok Koumi! Me too I pley with Bafalo sweter! We make leefs crazy together! It’s so fanny but I think Koumi make too mach acting when he shoot on fat Cari. It’s dangerus joke no? Nobady laf on bench, not even me Jaro. Then he hit Gianta too very hard. I want to tell Koumi in room at periods but he never come. I think he shy becase he know maybe joke too far. Its ok Koumi, you are kepten, we ok if you make joke.

Taranta such great teem. They prabably win cup and Norris cap and medels at olimpics. Me too I win medel in venkuver. Coch of Slouvakia came to my house and tell me Jaro they make naked gold statue of you, so now you make us Slouvakia gold medel for hang to the necks. I tell new coch Martoon, I hev to be rest for vankuver, maybe I sleep during game for get rest. I sey to coch Martoon make Cari to put in nets.

But I no pley to the net for coch Martoon becase yesterday my favorite show Bevreli 91012B on tv and I so lav the show! Oh my gad I lav the show! Coch ask me to pley and I sey no wey coch! I prepare for venkuver! Then I hide in litel closett in Canada Airplane Center and watch 91012b on smal screeen and big smile. Blond actress look like my summer girlfriend who never come to visit me Jaro to the jail. Oh I forgot to tell you! So long sumer stori!!!! Oh Jaro! you so bad remember memori!!!! I go back to bench at commercials and see Koumi make his jokes so funny! Also I see coch Martoon tell Kevorkian Muler we need Courtis Sunford. What is that? I think coch Martoon want new Ford car for drive in summer.

First game so easy for teem becase Tranta pley like half. So many new pleyers on us Mentreal, we no pass well becase many time Mentreal pleyer will have pack and stop and sey “ Hey I mentreal pleyer, what your name and do you pley for the Mentreals so I can pass to you the pack?, No? you leef, ok sorri, yes? you mentreal? ok take the pack.” Then mentreal pleyer lose pack and mepels score to the net of fat Cari. So mani shats Cari! You so bad golie becase they shoot so many shats to you!

So hard! I dont know nobady! But everynobady know me Jaro so its so more easy for them. Best pleyer of teem, my brather Jaro Spacek. He mom Sissy so good I big fan and I sey this to brather Jaro! He punch me for pley!

Teem have so no cemistri. Like when I yang and my famly tell me you dont pley with children outside. They from Moravia. We no have nathing in cammon with peple from Moravia so you no pley with them Jaro! Dad so serius! Oh dadi! So ya, mentreal teem pley like Moravia and Slouvakia. Same same thing. So I no talk to Moravia pleyers. I have nathing in cammon with them. I think Cari reely from Moravia and he no sey to me. I tell him last nite, “Cari you from Moravia hey? Hey Cari?” Cari call me dooche.

Teem so all new but nat me! Teem know they cant make me Jaro to go becase me so fentestic to teem! Coch Martoon probably sey, take hole teem out from mentreal, but no Jaro. Jaro stey. So meny change, but teem pley same – like we are teem of tredmeals. But in end of time of more time, new treadmeal Camalama (he name like 2 animals that look same!). Helo I Jaro Goldfishfish! Ok so Camalama make crexy pley and Gerges put pack behind Vesa ass. We win and 91012b amazing show so Jaro win too!

Look! How to They Put No Goals Behind to My Net!!!! Habs 3 - Canucks 0

Ca-ri! Ca-ri! CAAA-RI! CAAAAA-RIIII!!!! You stupide fat, agly, lazy, retard, smell, wale! No no Jaro you no pley you make stu for team? No no Jaro, you no came to restorante with teem becase you have breth like corpse. No no Jaro you cant to call me animore becase I not marry you after only 9 days. That is now over, in the past and the past is tomorrow!!! HAHAHAHAHAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAA. I am king of Disney Land and I'm going to the wooorld!!!!

Coch Carbonner aske me before game last nite if  want to pley again. He say, Jaro you my hero and Cari is in container in boat to Tibet, ssshhhhhh!!! I say ok coch, it's Jaro time and coch give me super cool hifive. I tell teem that nobady put goal to me, and teem say Jaro you better than Baraka Bama. I sey you stupide guys! I not blek pleyer? I no Larak Obama! And teem laf so hard! Oh Jaro you craaaazy!

So I jamp on ice and man with voice like czech toilet sing baby Canada song. Oh Ca-na-da, You such a big Fat Wale. My ears have blad inside. Why no have good song with great singer like TLC? Don't grow crashing waterfals, lalalala. 

While the song I look up and see the big 33 number and say hey he talk to the net before game and he win mach so now i try! I turn to net and say, Hey you, net, you and me, we have a destiny and we gonna be right. No! Just kidding! I look at to net and say, Hey net, it's me, Jaro.  You be good with me today ok? Net, you remind me of my girlfriend in Bratislava. She has bra that look like you, net! Big big bra. Net, you play like bratislava bra today ok? Hold me together, like good bra, ok net? Ok, net, song is over now, so tell evrything I just say you to the posts so evrybady clear ok?

Teem pley bad in game. Kovalev not attach his pampers well and he pley like baby who make pee in pampers and cry for two hours but parents too busy becase they putting cocane in nose. Breezer make big mistake and vancouver player come to me with pack and I have to make nobel save, but Breezer so stupide again when he take pack from me on line of my net! Ok, Breezer loser I shoot pack from blue line in next power pley, ok? 

Fans screem Jaro Jaro Jaro and I screeem Jaro! with them. So mach fun! Vancuver so great teem, almost like leafs of mapel, so i understand why sundineen go to vancuver. Peeple say so much rain in vancuver! Ha! better than snow! snow here is everywere. Especially snow in lacker room and in restorante in bathroom with my new friend pacwale mangiggila, but he say that secret so ssshhhhhh!!!!

No gols to put in my net, and coch sey after game, Jaro, we move # 33 a litel to the left. And I sey coch I lav that song too! To the left, to the left, every litel baby in a box to the left, so goood! 

Cari now in contaner going to tibet and Mentreal Cenedien my teeemm!!!!! And I pley in Fildelfia again and I see my blonde girlfriend who call police when I go to see to her at home at 3 in the morning with candoms and choclate and contract for marry. She will lav me, even after she ask where fat wale is and i say IN TIBET IN CONTANER. HAHAHAHAH!!!!

Free Tibet. 

E.T.: Extra Time - TWO FOR ONE MOVIE AND GAME REVIEW by Jaroslav Halak

The game

Thees jast great game for me but teem pley like crep. But all hole game I look at Otawa and they make me sad in my heart. Like if my heart have litel eyes and litel heart teers come out of eyes in my heart and I cry inside. Otawa you so diferent now! Before, last yeer, I go to Otawa and have very soft poo in my ass becase so nervous otawa so good! Otawa you before like King Kong of hackey and stupide teem like Mentreal like Empire Building and you climb all on us teem I cry on bus every time to Otawa becase I know Otawa you Kong and me litel great Jaro like butterfly with eating deesorder.

But Otawa, you change! You no Kong! You like alien, like agly alien in the space outside from the planet of erth! Hahahahahaha! Otawa so like alien.

You have Elliott in teem! And he like bicicle. And he so young and stupide. And you have big guy with long neck! He always say to pleyer on his line "Heatley phone home". And everybady on teem eat peeces of reeses! Otawa like alien teem! From the space!

Mentreal so bad teem to pley I had big dreeem. I lose tooth in last game and make pray to be trade to fentestic teem Toumpa for Mentreal receeve agly Vinnie. When i wake up in room I feel all disgasting saliva on my face like 20 guys kiss me on mouth! Gross! (I wake up with my penis that go down to my pads again - it heppens every time!) But no trade for now and I still share jab with clown Cari who alweys say "Hey Jaro, I feel good, I pley tomorro!" And I laf becase Cari so clown! This is my teem now Cari and I hate Mentreal becase its asshole teem but its my asshole!

....

Otawa you pley like lost alien that crash to Otawa. You have so bad lack Otawa! You crash in city so boring and sleep city! You have big space wessel and you crash in Otawa and make so mistake! If you crash a bit more away you crash in Hemilton most great city and beeautiful in world! Home!!!

i make fentestic saves against alien Otawa even when Mentreal wining 4-2 in third periood and i hev to pley good to win for teeem. But Otawa make treeks to me and score 2 gols! Ha! So you score alien gols Otawa and you think you win game? I pley like genious in extratime and shootout and Otawa go back to the wessel.

The movie

E.T. My favorite movie with beautifoul Dru Barymorore. She look so old when she 4 I want to marry to her!

Eliott he so scare to see the ET he give him beeer to make him relax and dress sim in costume of girl so ET can be soft like woman. Eliott so smart in movie! He so brave to when he let all frogs go out of can! Eliottt you are Schindler of frogs!!!! This is other Speilberg movie soon.

But Eliott brather and Mom so scare of ET becase he have so bad breath and Eliott mom tell Eliott to brash teeth every night. Also he want to phone home all time and Eliott Mom say, "look ET this is 1982, we no have cell phone! so you cant just call home!" Poor ET! He not know what to do!

So Eliott say 'hey! lets fly bicycle across moon to make poster for movie!" And ET jump up and down and so happy! Then CIA come and want take ET to make ET soup but Eliott protect ET and take him to forrest to go back home becase alien friend is a bit boring all the time. ET show Eliottt treeek with finger that glow and Eliiot think "this is so good idea! i can invent pen that have red light that go out of it and point at people in movie and at women boob in bar and have lats of sex!". Then ET go home and everybady cry in movie.

Wow, so good movie.

Fak You Mentreal!

This week I play great hackey against fenetestic teem the Calgary Fires of Flame. Oh so good game I pley like cousin of God. I too great for Fires of Flame and they try score many goal on me Jaro but they don’t know how to put pack in my net.

And whole crap teem Mentreal come to see me in my net after game and say “Oh Jaro, you so perfect, oh Jaro we ween because you pley beautiful hackey and we so bad teem we cant ween nothing if you not pleying in the net, please Jaro we want to make statue of you in new plaza outside Bell Centre”.

So the next day, I wait all day at home for teem to call me to see me make pose for new Jaro statue. It coud take long time to make big statue and is so expensive becase I only want statute to be in gold. So I wait all day, I don’t take nap and nobady in teem call me to make pose for naked Jaro statue.

I so tired to wait all day and so mad I sleep bad the hole night and dreem all the night of litel Jaros posing naked everywere for litel naked Jaro statues, and that one statue is litel baby Jaro drinking milk from mama Jaro boob.

I get to lacker room the next day and stupid coch say “Jaro, you pley again tomorrow against Toumpa Light”. Great teem Toumpa, with litel ant player Marty St-Louwis who so stupid he no from St-Louwis. You litel player Marty, my name is Jaro Las Angeless, now! Oh litel Marty! I not barn in Loss Angeless! Oh Marty!

Now I so angry for no gold Jaro I don’t want pley good hackey for Mentreal and fat Cari. But coch say Jaro you pley because I decide and I coch and I have power and my doghter is very fentestic.

So I pley game and teem pley so bad again, like Fires of Flame game when I beet teem by my alone self. So this time, I imagine teem come to see me after we ween in game and I pley like hero and they say they make big statue of me. Nat this time Mentreal! I nat wait again for you treeks.

So I make Toumpa great teem look like teem that ween Stanley Cap for seven years every day. And Marty crazy name score anytime he want on me. He also so small when big pleyer Vinny score he put Marty in hand and pick him up and give him kiss like agly giant that kiss small frog at end of movie when giant realize frog is not bad person and a good friend.

Fak you Mentreal, and fak you naked gold Jaro!

I Want to be Traded to Great Teem Leafs

I so tired. What game Toronto play to me. So hard. I swet in my toes and anus. Coach Carbonner make me pley game becase stupide Cari Price pley like exploding wale that has GPS inside hole to blow but GPS not turn on so wale swimming in circles. Stoopide Fat Cari wale make only 4 saves in game against fentestic strong Buffalo teem and then in shootout Buffalo player make goal twice time on same move with Cari the wale. Oh Cari, you so wale, it's like if you watch sad movie and beautiful man die at the end and you cry like girl, then you rewind the end of the movie and beautiful man die and you cry again. Stoopide wale Cari you never lern.

Toronto so good teem, they ween Stenley Cap this year. Everybady pley hard not like poussy Mentreal teem. No Coach! I don't pley My neils are drying. No coach I have new Beverly 29080 on PVR I want to watch! This is wat Kepten supose to say? He do 2 shifts then look at computer in undress room to see wat he call his wall street. Wat is that? OK OK Saku, when you finish I look at my celing street, and Fat Cari look at his basement street.

Toronto pley like five guys who love play together. If I pley on Toronto teem I play hard with my teem, I would dance with my teem and sing with my teem. I just want to dance. Stupide refereee make game so difficult for Toronto teem and always give power pley to Mantreal and Mantreal always score becase so easy to make score when you have more people on ice then other teeem. Oh good for you Meantreal! You win wimbledon final becase you play alone and nobody in other side of net! So Mentreal make 3 alone Wimbledon goals and put champagne everywhere in room becase they win Toronto. So sad.

Stupide reffereee dont know what penalty is and give so much to Toronto. I look at referreee and no understand why he give himself a name to explain he separate from wife. Divorcesky. This is so private! Why tell all arena and world that watch on tv! Ok, so now that my beautiful blond girlfriend ask police to put me in preeson if I call her again, now I change my name to Trialseparationsky. Stupide refffereeee. Ok beck to game.

Toronto prabably most best city in world. They have greet teem. Last night they hit hard and make Portugeese rice poooding with Cenedien team. After game, every Mantreal pleyer went to hospital because Toronto teem pley so hard. I stay with Toronto teem and celebrete great game and Mantreal embarasment. How can yoou be so embarasss teem for 100 years! Shame you Meantreal for not closing teem after 6 years when you know you so embarasss! But no, you stay open 94 more yeers! For wat! To be embarasss so much and meke Toronto loook like real chempion?

Mantreal not win if Jaro not pley and even when win, other teem still fentestic and Cari still wale who cry at movie. This why my best friend Mikel Grabvovoski go to Toronto. For new life. New women. New sex disease. New accident pregnancy. The best life. Now Grabskisiy call me and say how happy he is and that he pley on teem top line! Mentreal too good for Grabsbbisy, not let pley but he can go to top line in Toronto. Yes Mister Gainey, one plus one equals two, yes continue thinking this.

I go now. I know coch Carbonner want me to play all games now becase Cari pley like centipede with only 6 legs. I know coch want me to bring Cap to Mentreal. But I cant. Becase GM will make me happy and trade me to reeal teem Toronto or ask me to pley in Hemilton again where competition is stronger and pleyers can get drunk during game and drive teem bus after.

I want to be a Leaf of Mapel. Or a bus driver. Or see my love, Restrainingordersky, again.

FHF Grateful to Marty Rucinsky for Excuse to Post More Czech Supermodels

I want to move to, as John McCain would say, Czechoslovakia. FHF sure loves the Czech supermodels. This one is Petra Nemcova, and she's alright. You know, if you like the sort of women who are perfect.

Where was I again? Oh right, Martin Rucinsky. The former Hab has decided Czech supermodels are better than U.S. ones, and is going home to play with Sparta Prague. He has played for so many teams, I have no fucking clue who he played for last year. Somewhere west-ish I think. Phoenix? St. Louis? I don't really give a shit, and I'm too busy researching Czech supermodels to look it up.

I get many moneeeys!!!

Mentreal right choose when they give me money. I meke many hackey saves more than golie Cari. Beeeautifoul blond woman behind coach Carboner will facking mee for sure now.

BREAKING NEWS - Coach Carbo to Start Cedric Desjardins in Goal Tomorrow Night

(Reuters) - Unable to decide between Halak or Price for what could be the final game of the season, Habs Coach Guy Carbonneau has instead reached far down into the farm system and annointed Cincinnati Cyclones' goalie Cedric Desjardins as the new saviour.

Carbo said "he is having an outstanding playoffs for Cincinnati. He wears number 33, he was fined for his role in a fracas at the end of a game, and he helped Patrick Roy win a Memorial Cup. If that isn't karma, I don't know what is."

When asked for a comment, Jaro Halak stated simply "I incrredibel play hackey, I good date with blond girl behind coch, teem need play me."

BREAKING NEWS - Coach Carbo to Use "Eeny Meeny Miney Mo" to Choose Tonight's Goalie

(TSN) Hot on the heels of Jaro's outstanding performance on Monday, Habs coach Guy Carbonneau was on the fence about whether to start Price or Halak in goal in tonight's pivotal Game 4. After some soul-searching, he decided he will turn to the children's favourite "eeny meeny miney mo" game to make his selection.

"I figured, you know, there is really not much difference, and it seems the decisions I make don't really affect games anyway, so why not?" Carbo said. "It's not like one of our goalies has been annointed the franchise saviour or anything. So I'll just call them into my office at 5 PM, and do that eeny meeny thing. I don't think it will affect their performance at all."

Other selection processes that were ultimately rejected included a coin flip, one potato-two potato, and letting the goalies fight to the death "Amok Time"-style with the winner getting to play and mate with the hot blonde chick who sits behind Carbo at the Bell Centre.

I Was Incredible! Feeledelfia 3, Mentreal 2

You kent alweys get wat you want, you kent always get wat you want, but if you try sometime….lalala. I lav thet song, reely fentestic museec.

Game at Bell Centre waz so baad for teem, but was joke for big clown Cari. Put your stupide red nose on your nose clown Cari! You pley like litel clown and kids laf at you and you are clown! Hole teem say to me, its ok the stupide clown pley better next time.

So we take aroplane to Feeladelfia. Stupide teem sing baxing song wen we land. You no baxers Mentreal Cenediens! You hackey guys! Hackey guys and clown guy, this is reel name of teem. Hello, I am Jaro. I pley for hackey guys and clown guy.

Now game stori. Big clown go to net. So crazy things heppen. I pley hapskatch in halls and when I cam back to bench I see only 3 filadelfia guys on ice. We are 5! I no wat heppen. Same thing in league in Parkesh when one pleyer pleying and he fall becase he skate no tied! Ha! He fall all the time. Wen he go beck to bench to tie skate, he make mistake and tie he skate to player next to him skate! Wen coach tell them to go pley they fall together on ice! So fanny!!! I think filadepihia pleyers do same thing on bench in 3 game. Stuck on bench on no cant move. Hahaha.

Mentreal so sad for filadelfia we tell feelaphia pleyers, its ok we no score on you, we pass pack until they come beck. So we pley with pack on all the ice for 2 minoutes. Pheeladelfeea pleyers untie skate laces and go beck on ice.

Then Mentreal tell golie Biron, its ok golie Biron, we have open net and you not in your position becase you fall, we wait for you to go beack in net and we shoot pack in your belly, its no fare to shoot pack if you not in your net golie Biron. If we can we also hit post for you to give you the time to bo beck to your best pasition. I hear Kepten Saku tell Biron this. Biron give him big hag. It look very man gay, like Tchecoslovaka Sunday opera.

In second period, I watch beeeautifoul blond woman behind coach Carboner all period. She make my penis go to my pads. I tell her I like her and leek the glass so mach. We probably get married soon. Then Cari soooo jelos of Jaro, he cry in net like baby clown and say “I want marry her, I want marri her!”. I laf so hard. You think beutifooul girl like this want fat guy like you? Cari you cat your hair you look like peecack. I call you Chanel 5 Cari always now! And you want girl? No way Channel 5, she is for me.

So Cari pley 20 meenutes of so crep hackey. Filadelphia have 1 shat in second period and score 3 gols! So in break, coch tell me Jaro, you pley period 3. I tell coch “ no, I have date with Virginia, blond girl behind the bench!” Cocah no understand and I have to pley. But she watch me so I pley good. I make so many saves! Two! Two saves!!!! Marri me Virginia!!!!!!

Teem try to fix Cari crep clown hackey but also no want to hurt Biron feelings so only make 2 gols. Mentreal want to be nice becase every fieldephia fan have oroange ts-hirt say “Cenediens”. Papa call me after geme and say “That was most incrredibel golie performance alltime in history of Chekoslovakia. Everbady is celebrating with big parade outside. You make two saves and give all children hope. They change name of street from Havel Street to Havel Boulevard . women hagging each other crying saying ‘did you see Jaro saves?’ Tomoarrow no work here, netional haliday”. Coach tell me that becase my 2 saves I probably ween Conn Smythe trophy. I think so too. Cari ween Clown Smythe trophy!!!

OK bye!

Play Your Tits Off - The FHF Round One Preview: Goaltenders

Boston's Tiny Tim is going to need to carry his team on his back.

Undoubtedly the most important position in all of sports (not that I'm biased), FHF turns it's in-depth "analysis" to the teams' respective goaltenders, Carey Price - aka The Franchise Saviour (tm), and Tim Thomas - aka Tiny Tim.

Age: TFS is 20, TiTi will be 34 in a week.
EDGE: TFS is green, TiTi is a geezer (sorry HF29). Let's call this a draw.

Playoff experience: both TFS and TiTi go into this series with zero NHL playoff games. In TT's entire professional career, however, he's played 31 career playoff games - and only 2 of those were on this side of the pond. Meanwhile, everyone is Montreal knows by now that TFS led the Hamilton Bulldogs to the Calder Cup last year in the AHL, playing in 22 games. Plus, TFS is cool as a Chicoutimi cucumber and it seems unlikely that he will be rattled too badly or too long by his first playoff NHL experience. Plus it's not like there is no precedent for a 20 year old carrying a team to a Cup. But a soon-to-be 34-year old journeyman?

EDGE: TFS.

Size/Durability: TFS is 6'3", 225 pounds. TiTi is 5'11" and 180 pounds. Who's going to stand up to being run 30 times a night when goalie interference calls require use of a firearm?

EDGE: TFS - his frame guarantees that a couple of pucks a game will simply hit him even if he doesn't react to a shot, which is critical when there are 2 guys with their ass in

Style: TFS is a prototype hybrid goalie, while TiTi style can best be described as "Hasekian" - i.e. calculated guesses and allot of scrambling. The difference is, TiTi doesn't guess right nearly as often as the Dominator at his peak.
EDGE: it's easy (and tempting) to give this one to TFS too, but I'm calling it a draw because when TiTi is guessing right, he can look like Hasek, and he's more prone to streaky play - and I'm not going to tempt fate (and piss off HF10) given the list of marginal Bruins' keepers who stole playoff series against the CH.

Team support: much has been made of the Bruins' commitment to team defence as they cut their goals against by something like 350 goals under Julien. But this category is more about the goalie's place in the team . Remember in TFS's first start against Pittsburgh, when guys were throwing themselves in front of shots to ensure he picked up the win? Meanwhile, the Bruins GM had so much confidence in TiTi before the year that he traded for an assaholic goalie with spaghetti for knee ligaments to be his starter.

EDGE: TFS. You can just see how Montreal has adapted their game to his play. This is TFS's team, not doubt about it (HueT who?). It seems like TiTi is slotted into the backup role every pre-season (next year it could be behind Tuuka Rask).

Intangibles: TiTi has something to prove as he's been doubted all season, where I don't think TFS really does. TFS is getting all the hype, and if I where TiTi I'd be pissed off and looking to prove something. Let's hope TiTi isn't like me (well, maybe if you've ever seen me play...).

EDGE: TiTi.

Backups: burgeoning FHF cult hero Jaro vs. Alex Auld. I'm betting that it is more likely to see Mr. Auld than Jaro. Good for us, because when Jaro's riding the bench he has more time to do interviews with HF4.

EDGE: Auld has more experience, even if he hasn't played an NHL playoff game either.

PREDICTION: TiTi is pulled at least once in the series, and by the end of April TFS can pretty much walk into the back room of any strip club in Montreal any time he wants, sans wallet (and pants).

I Got the Powa!!! Habs 3, Islands 0

Look at me! Look at me! No goal behind my ass becase I heve talant. My teemates play like sheet. Stupide mistakes all the game and if I not there they loose the game like a defecting Cuban pitcher looses he family.

OK now Mantreal you say Jaro, Jaro you so good and incredible and great, please please play in the net again for next game becase we want more matches no goals. Thees is what I say to coaches for three facking years in city of masturbation Hemilton. I make good plays, put me in the goal in Mentreal, I’m a pro. “No Jaro, you knit sweaters for teem, or No, Jaro, play Mantreal with Ea Sports, same thing”. Fak you you stupide coaches you make me go crazy so long.

Now big ugly Cari have game of shit against the Senators. Ohhh I’m sooo scared! The Senators are so good and I am so small, like clitoris of woman mosquito. That what Cari say before game, little baby idiot. He play trembling all game and Mentreal make so big poop for 3 periods.

Now coach come to me after Poopopalooza against the Senators and he say “Jaro, get ready for Saturday”. I tell him, I know fat guy from Superbad on SNL, I tape it for sure! He meen no, I play game on Saturday. Me? Play? Fak you coach Carboner!

How many mankeys it takes to screw light bulb?

It take six mankeys to screw light bulb.

OK, so now I have to be ready because now, oh we HAVE to win, game is SO important that after watching movie Jesus of Nazareth 17 facking time, I can play one stupid faking game in Mantreal, where I never make a shit game before.

And from beginning, team play like autistic larva and if me not there we have maybe 18 goals against us in first period. Cari stupid jerk play PSP on bench and not look at me play like King Jaro once! I see Kepten Saku play Sudoku and ask Lapierre for to help him. Stupid Lapierre? He don’t know to count!! New York Islands mach better teem than Mantreal shit. More talant and better sweter and big colors. They play without 32 of their regular players. I recognize some players from porno theater in Prague. They not even hackey players but they play so better than Mantreal.

Fans scream my name Halak Halak Halak!! You crazy stupid fans, why you wait so long time to make love to me. Why we not make love in Hemilton. It only 2 hours in car. Nooo!!! We snob fans from Mantreal, we not care about farm team in Hemilton. We not like goats and chickens and cows. Now you love to me. You are like girls. Jaro who? What?, when I ask you for blowjob in bar, but now I win a game a make no goal match, now it’s OH Jaro! You so big! Please follow me to bathroom!!! Stupid fans. You only love me if I win. You not love me for me, like my family, who come to bathroom with me no metter what.

Now coach Boner tell me today, Hey Jaro, can you do this again like Saturday? Coach Carbonnies he so stupid, he look like hooker from Bratislava kiss him with that sore on his lip. He get that from “Happy Finish” in hotel in Anaheim. I tell this teem for soooo long, make me play. No! Jaro! Cristobal’s is too good, he croshed like Parisian pastry if we make him sit. No Jaro! Cari is too good, he is like young Skywalker. We have to a grow his talant. No! Jaro! That man has no legs, he great goalie because he have determination to fight.

Now you all see I am special goalie and you put red carpet in front of me. OK, red carpet for anthem. So what? Meantreal!!!! Listen me!!!!Now I have power! I play when I want to play!!!! I decide my games forever!!!!!!! Fak you stupid Kepten, go play your Sakudoku.

…can I play tomorrow?

Glass Halak Empty or Halak Full?, 1st game: Habs 1, Flyers 0, 2nd game: Habs 5, Flyers 3

First the no-nos.

No talks about sweeps here. Save the brooms for the playoffs children. Call this one exactly what is was: two wins in a regular season home and home.

Also, no talk about the Habs being in first place in the East. If the playoffs started today, they would be in fourth, Leaf fans would be consoling themselves in homosexual hugs, and I would still want to have sex with Beyonce.

Interesting thing today is that despite these two wins over Philadelphia and a hard fought four points taken from an important conference rival, Habs fans seem overly cautious, glass half emptyish. Gagné was out, Hatcher was out, Koivu seems shackeld, the power play is fizzling, yada yada.

In the spirit of this rampant pessimism in Montreal, we thought it best to have the two weekend games reviewed by the only person with ties to this city that has any reason to hurl invective at the Canadiens.

The game reviews as seen by Montreal Canadien third string goalie, Jaroslav Halak:

Mantreal Canedien facking assholes. They play like crep. Two big weens this weekend heh? Fak you. They are just lacky teem with no talant and terrible kepten. Koivu look like bug. I crosh him like litel ant.

Maybe I no talk like thees if Canedien dont treet me like manky shit. Last year, I play stending on my head in Hemilton weech look like public toilets in Prague. Nathing to do in this stupid city but masturbate. I do it much. I like to do it. Eneyway. I play like rock star all year in smelly Hemilton and Bulldag gonna make playoff. Then I see that Cristoball Hueet (do I say the T or no?) get hurt in penis and Davide Aebercombie have to play all games in important playoff putsch, sorry, push. Aebercombie play like aborted donkey and Mantreal have serious problem to no make playoff.

Ring ring, my phone rings and now my meneger tell me to go to Mentreal. I so heppy to go out of this crepy Hemilton that I urinate on hotel room bed and in Hemilton city hall. Maybe made white pee too. I don't remember. So I go to Mantreal, and I stand on my head for first game, then second one, and I do this many time.

I look in peper in morning and every days I see Mentreal in higher place on the peper then the day before. I ask myself if the meneger of the peper have to make top of page longer because Mentreal go higher on page everyday. What if no room? Meneger of peper not call me back.

So I play good for 2 manths in Mentreal. Sometime coach tell Aebercrombie to play and he make shit in net. So they tell me to play for good. In my time in Mentreal, I started see Cristoball in dressing room. His penis getting stronger and bigger so i got scared about he going to my net and not me. I also no want to go beck to Hemilton where I make pee. So on last day of year I see Cristoball in room. He penis look good. Really good. Coach say, hey cristo good penis! you play tonight in Torronto.

I say no coach! Big game! I want to play Torronto! Coach say Huwet have good penis and he have to go in net. But that I needed to help Hemilton to win cap in playoff. I watch game form bench in Torronto. Huewet make very big poop and Mentreal don't have playoff. People in crowds with Mentreal sweter say they kill our children. Coach put knife to Kovalev throat. Big mess. I say, I no like Mentreal, I miss Hemilton. Want to make cap win there.

I go back to Hemilton after getting screw fram Canedien. Bulldag, my team all the year. I arrive in dress room and i see big man putting pads in my place in room. I say to him, Hello big and quiet boy, please move, this is my place. So then then coach who hear this tell me, no no, Jaroslav, this is new goalie, Cari Price. He play here now. He play tonight and every game. You just practice and make stew for team.

I not play one game in playoff. We win chempionship and I dont do anything. Facking Price do everything and even make lav to my girlfriend.

So now this year I say maybe Mantreal will trade me. No they keep me in Hemilton and ask me to play well. Price in Mentreal, not me. But he make some shit in net and I go to Mentreal to help. I dont play even one game, only help twice when Hwet have penis problems. I go beck to Hemilton when Price play good.

Fak you Mentreal. I saw games with Filadefphia. Ypu play like shits.

1st game

In Mentreal you only score one goal. You loozers. Stupid Kartstitsoon score on back like clown. Very ugly goal. Nitoomackee bad in net. Price play alone in thirs period with two minute 5 on 3. He stop everything because lacky. No talent, just bad Phladelfia with no talent. Mentreal play bad. Look.

Kovalev: 0 goals

Koivu: 0 goals

Plekanc: 0 goals

Ryder: eat pupcorn

Begin: 0 goal

Higgines: 0 goals

Price: 0 goals

Latendresse: 0 goals

Lapierre: fat and 0 goals

Kostopoo: 0 goals and 1 soupena

Oburn: 0 goals

Markov: 0 goals

Hamerlik: 0 goals

0 goals, 0 goals. So bad.

So now you give yourself blowjab because you win and you happy. But you play so bad because you only score one clown goal and everybody in Flodelfia no play because hurt penis.

2nd game

In Pheelie, Merntral you think you gonna win again because you so tuf. Ha! You play so bad. Plekanec make very bad pass from backhand in back of net and he sooo lacky Kovalev stay in front of net and score ugly goal. Then big Phieeladephia score so quick becase you so bad. Price is weak like lady bug with maltiple sclerosis. Then Mantreal you score again lacky goal because Josh Gerogie so pussy no want to fight. He no fight and then Boiullon score goal alone becase everybody in phladlehia players stay behind to fight like men. But no! Gierogie is so woman he no fighjt and Mentreal sneeky player continue to skaet like cowards and score goal alone. Shame on you Mentreal to play like Romanian gypsies.

Then Philadefia no want to play the pussies no more and just skate for two periods to just finish game. so Mentreal score more goals. Even one with Neetomakee on bench and nobady in Philoodephia net! Hahahaha! That no count! Then with game almost finish Price make a big crap and Philadephia score and I think they should win game becaase they score last.

You not in first Mentreal, only four because top 3 is for men teams, you are woman team.

If you make playoff don't call me if Hwet have hurt penis, I won't come back. I will win trophy in Hemilton. I go drown Yan Danis now.

There you have it folks. A wounded man with his wounded pride, incapable of acknowledging that Montreal had a pretty good weekend. First place, almost.