There's a Certain Sheen on Sexy Friday - It's Spin City for the Defence Preview

Bullet points are late because the GM is hungover for the big TMS/Sexy Friday/Crazy Celebrity Preview:

• Rain in Wales?  That's umpossible!!  Euro smackdown of US in Ryder Cup slightly delayed because of atrocious (read normal) weather patterns on the Isle of the Britons;
• Habs lose to Sabres ... was TFS booed?  I assume he was booed.  Powerplay sucks without Markov.  
• Markov's former powerplay buddies aren't doing so hot ... first Marc Streit goes down hurt, now Sexy Sheldon is on waivers (with Martin Gerber too!).  The Urologist better watch his step;
• Hey, do you like college football?  Because Florida/Alabama, Texas/Oklahoma and Oregon/Stanford are all going off this Saturday.  It's your last Saturday without real hockey!

You know what this Sexy Friday needs?  A Sexy Preview!

So You Think You Can GM: The Defence Gets a Major League Preview from Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughan

So, you think you can GM? Ya, you and all the guys on Antichambre, the louts in the cheap seats, Jack Todd, H/IO's mouthbreathers, and every Jean, Richard and Henri on the street. You know what? YOU'RE ALL CRAZY. Just like our celebrity guest GM's.

[Bob Gainey and Jacques Martin flank an empty chair in the Canadiens press room. Enter Celebrity GM and star of CBS's hit comedy "Two and a Half Men", Charlie Sheen]

Hey there, wow. I haven't seen this many people at a press conference since I announced my third stint in rehab after the second time I tried to kill Denise Richards. You buncha crazies. I love you all. Not as much as I love hookers and cocaine, but you press guys ... love ya. Stubbs? Boone? Red? Rejean? Brunet? BR? PJ? I love all of you almost as much as I loved porn star Ginger Lynn. Now, I'm not saying I'd want to fake Boone's death, change his looks through plastic surgery and marry him like I wanted to do with Ginger, but all you guys coming to my press conference makes me feel so ... what the fuck, is that Jack Todd!!?!?! Todd!! I told you if I saw you again I'd choke you to death and then stab you more to death! Dammit Todd!! I'm gonna fucking cut y ... [security wrestles GM Sheen to the floor in front of the podium, Doctor Mulder injects him with something].

Where was I? Is this the press conference about 9/11 being a hoax? The defence? Yeah, the defence of the 9/11 apologists is weak, Boone. Absolutely correct, you little scamp. The Habs defence? [Bob Gainey whispers to Sheen] What? I'm the GM of the Montreal Canadiens now?!!?! Holy fuck this is some bender. I'm more confused than the time I bought that sex doll, made two hookers have an orgy with it, then cut off its hand and tossed it in a dumpster. At least I think it was the sex doll I tossed. Hey Dr. Mulder, you got anything stronger?

Okay, well first of all, I think it's time to trade this Andrei Markov guy. Sure, he's as talented as Heidi Fleiss with a rope swing, but he's hurt so much you'd think he was married to me. I'm trading him for Bryan Fogarty. Now that's a strong skating power play quarterback with a nose for ... heh heh, you see what I did there? Somebody tell me what team Fogarty's on. Is he in Florida? Maybe the Panthers will throw Higgins into the deal. I can't put my finger on it but for some reason I like that kid.

This PK Subban. He's fun to watch, makes for a great quote and skates like the wind, but he's as reckless as Tom Sizemore in a Thai whorehouse. Takes too many chances, and I'd prefer my life to be peaceful ... not a lot of craziness going on in Charlie Sheen's world, you know? Unless he calms down I'm sending him to the minors so that David Fischer can play. Fischer never makes the headlines, so he must be doing something right. Maybe keep that Alex Picard too. Pick-ard. Pick. Ard. Pick. Arrrrrd. Reminds me of pick-ax, which is what I'm planting in that fucking ungrateful Jack Todd's head if he comes back in here. Todd!!! I'm watching you, bitch! Todd!!

That Hal Gill and Josh Gorges are somethin', aren't they? I like to call them two and a half men for the way they played in the playoffs. Two and a Half Men. See what I did there? Two and a Half Men. All new episodes on CBS Mondays at 9:00, just after that fucking terrible Rules of Engagement show with David Spade. David Spade? Seriously? How did that little twit date Heather Locklear after I hit on her for like six years on Sin City and got nothing? Spade's the Jaro Spacek of CBS comedy Mondays ... great success as the sidekick to somebody else, and totally overmatched when trying to do too much. He's ugly too. Like that porn star I killed during that layover in Houston on the Scary Movie 4 press junket in 2005. No, not Spade. Spacek. C'mon Tremblay! Try and keep up!

Can I just say, I have no idea why the other guy who does this job lives in Vermont? There aren't nearly the amount of coke dealing hookers and strippers in Vermont that there are in Montreal. I had sex three times on my walk from the hotel to this press conference. I'm spending Roman Hamrlik type money out there. [Jacques Martin tugs sleeve of Sheen's bowling shirt, points to reporters] What?

Yeah, Hamrlik's overpaid. But he's solid. He and that Kostitsyn kid hooked me up with some ... um ... speakers. Yeah, that sounds plausible. Speakers. Reminds me of the time me and Jon Cryer went looking for a hit between tapings and ended up buying a surround sound system out of some dude's trunk in the In-N-Out Burger parking lot on Santa Monica Boulevard. Then I pushed Cryer out of the car and got a hooker. Good times. It was a long time ago, though. Around the time Hamrlik was really good.

Oh hey, Chantal! I didn't notice you there. Did you get my text? About the ... you know? Interested? No? Your friend isn't interested, or you aren't? Cause I can get someone to fill in one of the spots but ... [Gainey frantically whispers to Sheen]

Right, right, the defence. Nice depth. There's all those kids on defence too. Carle, Weber, that Russian guy, the other one with the funny hair, the tall kid that was gonna go to Notre Dame ... hey, my Dad went to Notre Dame on tv. President Bartlett. I wish I could have cameoed on that show. I heard Aaron Sorkin has a mountain of coke on set. So we're good on defence there. Aces and Eights. Speaking of eights, hey, has anyone seen Price? I paid him for an eight-ball ... [Microphone cuts out, Gainey, Martin and numerous security tackle Sheen]

The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview, Part 7: Glorious Leader Georges Laraque

Hockey is but the first step on the journey to greatness.

- Aristotle

Overview: Georges Laraque went to Collège Jean-de-Brébeuf. So did I. At the time, he was an offensive powerhouse. He had mad hockey skills and he went to an elite French school. So naturally only great things awaited. I am fortunate to have seen genius as it was happening.

We all knew then that he was blazing a unique trail that would eventually lead him to 2 prized destinations.

1. Offensive superstar in the NHL

2. Prime Minister of an independent and sovereign Quebec

As a teenager, Georges was hard at work engulfing the knowledge impressed on him by a superior Québécois elite schooling system that was paved by the Jesuits, all the while learning from the greatest hockey teachers the province had to offer. The Brébeuf gymnasium walls and its adjacent arena are covered with evidence of glory from years past.

Brébeuf, the womb of Quebec’s greatest human beings crafted the glorious leader that Georges would become in so many facets of society.

As a student, his assiduous studying methods made him a star pupil, achieving great fame and receiving much envied adulation in the academic ranks in chemistry, biology, home economics, mathematics and History.

His talent spilled over to other areas that saw young Georges take decisive steps on a fateful march. He took on Lacrosse and field hockey and received immediate fame.

As the dutiful son that he is, Georges won many trophies and followed in his father's footsteps, Papa Laraque, seen below, also a brilliant field hockey player in his day.

He captained Brébeuf’s broom ball team, 2 days after having touched a broom for the very first time.

Legend has a young Georges insisting on sweeping every floor in the house before vacuuming for better hygienic efficiency, the noble efforts stunted by a foreseeing mother who is said to have responded: "No, my son, these hands will not broom, they will not sweep. They will score goals, and lift Cups and bang size 16 shoes on United Nations General Assembly podiums".

Georges then went on to become to become a world class chess player beating Gary Kasparov and Deep Blue in the first ever World Champioship Chess Threesome. He was the best chess master Brébeuf has ever crafted. He found Bobby Fisher hiding out in a basement in Lithuania.

Georges didn't stop there. He soon won many prizes as a champion polo player.

After his horse Roxette was felled by an errant mallet in the quarter finals of the World Polo Championship, he lobbied the Federation of International Polo for better treatment of horses, and a crackdown on clutching and grabbing horse balls. It was this awakening and sensitivity to the plight of everything animal that led Georges to adopt a strictly vegan lifestyle.

His time in Edmonton and Phoenix as an instrumental cog on wonderfully talented teams has been well documented. No need to elaborate further.

Today he skates for the blessed Montreal Canadiens, where his genius is overlooked, toiling on the fourth line when he should be playing at least 24 minutes a game on the first, where he should be skating every second of every power play, and playing goal when Carey Price is tired and ragged.

The team could have let Georges' genius run wild. Let the painter paint with the mad strokes of an embattled artist. But no, they fail to recognize the cut-his-ear-off talent that pours out of Georges' mind.

Hockey? An afterthought in the grander scheme of Georges’ life. Change, meaningful contribution to society, that’s what this strong mind was put on this earth for. Georges can fix the ozone layer with his thoughts. He can pour billions into the coffers of our treasury with the proceeds from EA Hockey NHL 11 on which his gorgeous face will surely be destined to appear.

Georges will lead Quebec to its rightful place amongst nations, an independent and sovereign Quebec, free to choose for the good of its citizens. He will call the referendum that will free us from our colonial shackles and, should we lose the next time around, he will address the crowd with teary eyes:

“Si je vous ai bien compris, vous êtes en train de me dire, à la prochaine fois. Mais il n’y aura pas de prochaine fois parce que je vais vous casser la gueule. Vous comprenez? Tous ceux qui avez voté NON, je vais vous casser la gueule. To be sure you understand you anglo crackers, I’m going to beat your asses until you get me this country on a platter – so tomorrow we go back to the poles and you better vote right if you know what’s good for you. God Bless Quebec, Vive le Québec libre, Vive Nacho Libre. ”

Pure Laine Glorious Leader: Georges Laraque

Nom: Georges Laraque

Lieu de naissance: Montréal, Québec – Chez Nous

Strengths: First Prime Minister of a sovereign Quebec. Minister of Pain on the Montreal Canadiens. The softest hands in the NHL. Equally soft kisses. Skates like a floating antelope. Can knock you down with his eyelash. Showed what his true contribution to the team can be during the 2009 playoffs against Boston when he was promoted to the first line – memorizing every advertisement in both rinks after having spent the entire series with the puck on the boards.

Weaknesses: Too gentlemanly to be a pugilist, which of course emphasizes his more natural but misunderstood abilities as a perennial Lady Byng winning offensive mammoth. Only scored 94% in Latin in Sec IV, well below his average of 104%. Appears injured most of the time, yet this is silent protest coming from a classy player who refuses to play the role of a thug when he truly belongs on the power play and in the Hockey Hall of Fame.

Should be traded for: An answer to that question will be met with a mandatory 2-week all-inclusive getaway in Winnipeg, Manitoba.

The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview - END SCENE.

The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pur Laine Awesome Preview, Part 5: Pur Laine Glorious Leader Maxim Lapierre

Last year's 100th Anniversary celebration was a disaster for any number of reasons. What were they? The FHF has no idea and no time to figure it out. What we do have, however, is connections. Connections to hockey brilliance. Connections to a man who has his finger on the pulse of the team, the people, dare we say a nation. Connections to a man who gracefully agreed to help what he thinks are four young, PQ votin', French speakin', descended from the first guys off Champlain's boat bloggin' fools (shhh.) So we present an FHF exclusive: The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview!Today, it's Part 5: Pure Laine Glorious Leader Maxim Lapierre

Overview: According to reports from reliable Pure Laine sources, last year's edition of Les Canadiens was a dressing room of cliques, a team imploding from the inside due to rudderless, grim, unworthy leadership cabal that compounded all the team's problems with it's stoic and pig-headed refusal to embrace the language of the dressing room and the people. Among the only bright spots was the fiery emergence of a true, Pure Laine heir to the role made famous by Bouchard, Rocket, Beliveau, Pocket Rocket, Cournoyer, Savard, Turgeon, et Damphousse: Maxim Lapierre, the true Captain of Les Canadiens.

Pure Laine Glorious Leader: Maxim Lapierre

Nom: Maxim Lapierre

Lieu de naissance: Saint-Leonard, Quebec

Strengths: Forged in the fires of Saint-Leonard, educated in the proving grounds of Cap-de-la-Madeleine and the Montreal Rocket, Lapierre is a Pure Laine warrior from the brave East-End of Montreal. A natural leader of men who inspires all Quebecois in their chosen walk of life, he is the divinely-chosen successor to great Canadiens captains past, a Tricolour Sun King destined to lead the Canadiens back to their rightful place as hockey's premier franchise. A life-long fan of Les Habitants, he reads The Hockey Sweater each night before bed and truly gets what it means to be a member of the team. He is a good Francophone and prays to Dieu, Mary Reine du Monde and Aurel Joliat for strength in battle against nefarious Maudits Anglais and their sympathizers. Although he is continually misused in a defensive role in favour of inferior, heartless Maudit Anglais and Communists, he has a goal-scorers touch and excellent vision like all Pure Laine players. He has good size, a willingness to battle in traffic and has a budding rivalry with overrated Maudit Anglais NHL poster boy Sidney Crosby, who had to improve his mediocre skills by playing in the world's most difficult hockey league the QMJHL, but was never good enough to best Lapierre. He is so talented, it appears an entire magazine is devoted to the betterment of men through the teachings of Maxim, with instructions in recreating the awesomeness of Maxim Lapierre in grooming, attire, and dating sexy women.

Weaknesses: Sadly, there is only one Maxim Lapierre, and until the Canadiens realize this, he will be forced to lead and cover for the mistakes of a number of weaker, less-skilled, heartless Maudits Anglais and Ethnic players who could never match his desire, strength, ability to inspire and world-class talent. His faceoffs also need some work.

Tommorrow, Part 6: Pure Laine Superstar Guillaume Latendresse

The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pur Laine Awesome Preview Part IV: Commies and Commie Sympathizers

Last year's 100th Anniversary celebration was a disaster for any number of reasons. What were they? The FHF has no idea and no time to figure it out. What we do have, however, is connections. Connections to hockey brilliance. Connections to a man who has his finger on the pulse of the team, the people, dare we say a nation. Connections to a man who gracefully agreed to help what he thinks are four young, PQ votin', French speakin', descended from the first guys off Champlain's boat bloggin' fools (shhh.) So we present an FHF exclusive: The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview!

Today, it's Part IV: Commies and Commie Sympathizers

Overview: The Commies are coming! No wait, they're here - and there are a fuckload of them, so let’s get right to why they suck compared to their (completely different) pinko, socialist Quebecois brethren:

Nom: Jaroslav Halak aka “Jaro” aka “our funniest bit”’

Lieu de naissance: somewhere behind the Iron Curtain

Strengths: Winning hockey games - when he gets the chance; lately spends most of time fashioning latest Canadiens baseball cap styles; ‘most interesting man in the world’ commercials are based on Jaro.

Weaknesses: small by NHL standards; doesn’t raise his hharm like dis for tha hhicing, confusing teammates; doesn’t spend enough time posting for FHF.

Should be traded for: Martin Brodeur (New Jersey Devils). If only there was unrestricted free agency in the NHL, Marty the Great would have signed with his hometown team for sure. Oh well, the Habs can still sign one of the many available pur laine goaltending alternatives, including: Eric Fichaud, Stephane Fiset, Vincent Riendeau, JC Bergeron, or the corpse of Andre Racicot - all of whom have proven to be more-than-capable backups in the rich goaltending history of God’s chosen team, the Montreal Canadiens. Manny Fernandez is available RIGHT FUCKING NOW, crisse.

Nom: Andrei Markov aka “Andrei Markov” aka “the only reason the Canadiens have a shot at the playoffs”

Lieu de naissance: The original “red” state.

Strengths: the Habs best player, last season's playoffs proved they can’t win without him; can remain stone silent despite constant interrogation by Montreal media thanks to KGB upbringing.

Weaknesses: Although he’s by far the Habs best player and only top 10-ten NHL player at his position on the Habs roster, he still must go. Can’t say exactly why - he just doesn’t have that je ne sait quoi : he’s no Guy Lapointe, Serge Savard, Butch Bouchard or Francois Bouillon. Plus, cheered for the Red Army during the New Year’s Eve game and during their invasion of Czechoslovakia.

Should be traded for: Stephane Robidas. Who cares if Comrade Andrei is likely to play in the Olympics for the Soviets? Robidas is a mortal lock for Team Quebec.

Nom: Jaroslav Spacek aka “Jaro 2.0” aka “Pigeon”

Lieu de naissance: Some country that no longer exists.

Strengths: experienced, puck-moving defenceman with a booming shot; did not commit suicide while playing in Buffalo, so must like hockey a lot. Or doing nothing on a Saturday night.

Weaknesses: injury prone, sometimes lacks intensity; foolishly favours the political theory of John Locke to the obviously enlightened deism of Voltaire.

Should be traded for: Traded?!? Why the TABARNAK did they not sign the legendary Francois Beachemin (Toronto Maple Leafs) as a UFA instead of this ostie de piece of shit?

Nom: Roman Hamrlik aka "Hamr" aka “this and next season’s salary cap albatross”

Lieu de naissance: A separated state (hey wait...).

Strengths: strong all-around play; has the pulse of Montreal’s underground economy.

Weaknesses: Doesn't use his size as msuch as he could, may have lost a step at 35; cozying up to known Russian gangsters when there are plenty of French Hell’s Angels to choose from.

Should be traded for: Francois Boullion (Nashville Predators). Francis The Great outplayed Hamr in every way all year long – even while injured - only to be held back by his Quebecois-hating coach, who Gillooly’d his groin before the playoffs just to sabotage him. Only remained unsigned so long as other teams were fearful of signing him so as not to make the aforementioned Quebecois-hating coach look foolish - given his immense respect and popularity throughout the hockey world.

Nom: Yannick Weber aka “Swiss Mister 2.0” aka “the next young defencemen who the Habs give up on too quickly and then blossoms elsewhere”

Lieu de naissance: Commie-sympathizing Switzerland.

Strengths: high skill level, potential PP quarterback; speaks French.

Weaknesses: defensive play; speaks the wrong kind of freaky “Swiss” French.

Should be passed over for promotion in favour of: Mathieu Carle (Hamilton). Carle is the next superstar Quebecois defencemen - inheriting Patrice Brisebois’s title.

Nom: Tomas Plekanec aka “Turtleplek” aka “that Little Czech Girl”

Lieu de naissance: one of those former soviet satellite states.

Strengths: skating, two-way play; fashioning stylish CH turtlenecks, boosting sales
of Habs’ merchandise.

Weaknesses: smallish, streaky scorer, gets knocked off the puck; gives young female hockey players a bad name; admires Khrushchev over Charles de Gaulle.

Should be traded for: Marc Pouliot (Edmonton Oilers). Plekanec may never have scored fewer than 20 goals in a full NHL season, but Pouliot’s potential - as shown but his 8-goal breakout season last year - makes him a lock to be the next Mario Lemieux. Trade for him RIGHT FUCKING NOW, merde.

Nom: Andrei Kostitsyn aka “Big Tits” aka “future KHL star”

Lieu de naissance: Belarus? Belarussia? Fuck that: Soviet Union.

Strengths: possesses most pure talent on the team; best nickname ever.

Weaknesses: only motivated when he plays Alex the Great; has never read or seen Les Miserables.

Should be traded for: Pascal Dupuis (Pittsburgh Penguins). This future Hall of Famer’s resume now includes a Stanley Cup ring, which he virtually single-handedly won for the Penguins despite not scoring a single point in the post season - simply his presence was enough to propel his anglophone slacker teammates to victory.

Nom: Sergei Kostitsyn aka “Little Tits” aka “that little asshole” (opponents only)

Lieu de naissance: Born in the USSR. Barely.

Strengths: gritty, in your face player with surprising talent level and a Claude Lemieux-like upside; haunts Mikeal Grabovski’s dreams - recently replacing Gargamel:

Weaknesses: he’s NOT CLAUDE LEMIEUX, câlice; probably deserves his ever-increasing rep as cheap shot artist; questionable decisions when it comes to friends (chooses gangsters wisely, though).

Should be traded for: duh, Claude Lemieux (San Jose Sharks). Wait, what do you mean the Sharks cut him?!? Is Theo Fleury available? With a name like “Fleury” he’s got to speak French, right?

Nom: Mikeal Johansson aka “the new European guy they signed that no one has heard of”

Lieu de naissance: The land of blondes and suicides

Strengths: apparently a late-blooming mature, two-way player; assembling crappy modulate furniture.

Weaknesses: smallish, hasn’t proven anything in the NHL; believes that “Cirque de Soliel” is a rare astronomical occurrence which wreaks havoc with earth-bound satellites.

Should be passed over for promotion in favour of: Dany Masse. Clearly a mature European player originally drafted by a team with as poor a European draft record as the Detroit Red Wings is no match for a 50-goal scorer in the notoriously goal-starved “Q”.

The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview, Part 1776: American Pig-Dogs

Last year's 100th Anniversary celebration was a disaster for any number of reasons. What were they? The FHF has no idea and no time to figure it out. What we do have, however, is connections. Connections to hockey brilliance. Connections to a man who has his finger on the pulse of the team, the people, dare we say a nation. Connections to a man who gracefully agreed to help what he thinks are four young, PQ votin', French speakin', descended from the first guys off Champlain's boat bloggin' fools (shhh.) So we present an FHF exclusive: The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview!

Today, it's Part 1776: American Pig-Dogs

Overview
C'est un joke, 'stie? Americans play hockey? Non non, that can't be right. Football, maybe (though Laval is the best football team ever), and some basketball I guess. But hockey? Bad enough that the Rest of Canada is trying to steal Quebec's National sport, now Americans are playing it? All Americans are pig-dogs. Except that Rush Limbaugh, he tells it like it is. Here are your 2009-2010 Montréal Canadien Pig-Dogs:

Nom: Paul Mara

Lieu de naissance: The swamps of Ridgewood, New Jersey. Bada-bing.

Strengths: Is well-connected. He's a team player, if you know what I mean. Lumberjack skills are valuable with wood in his hands.

Weaknesses: May not have health care.

Should be traded for: Maurice "Mom" Boucher. A much better choice for a tough motherfucker kicking ass and taking names of opponents standing in the crease of our pathetic non-François Allaire-trained goaltenders.

Nom: Hal Gill

Lieu de naissance: Concord, Masshole.

Strengths: Has access to massive quantities of high-quality American Human Growth Hormone.

Weaknesses: Slow, slower, and slowest. Like an anglo journalist realizing how unfairly he's treating Patrice Brisebois.

Should be traded for: The Big O tower. Roughly the same size and speed, but the tower was designed by un français, built by Québecois, and commissioned by corrupt Montrealers. Talk about pure laine!

Nom: Max Pacioretty

Lieu de naissance: New Canaan, Connecticut, the city with the highest average family income in the U.S. Rich asshole.

Strengths: Wears number 67, thus taunting maudits anglais Toronto bastards every time he steps on the ice.

Weaknesses: Is not the clearly superior other Hab named Max, Captain Lapierre. And Pacioretty sounds ethnic. I thought we covered this Monday.

Should be traded for: Maxime Talbot. Now there's a Max we can rally around.

Demain: 4e partie - Commies and Commie Sympathizers. The early PQ were practically communists, so maybe Bertrand will go easy. Doubtful.

The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview, Part 2: Les Maudits Anglais

Overview:

When my parents moved to Montreal from the mainland depths of Israel, after spasms of childhood spent in Casablanca and Bucharest, they chose a French speaking domain in which to raise their Jewish-half-Moroccan-half-Romanian son.

And while their intentions only pushed forward an agenda of anglo-xenophobia that would make all of us Québécois proud, they accidentally laid the seeds of everything that is wrong with our province du Québec, and that has now spilled over into sacred territory, into the very fabric of les Canadiens de Montréal – a complete disregard for the pristine beauty and unequivocal superiority of everything French and with it, the enhanced probability of assimilation of the French culture altogether – this in the name of worldly multiculturalism that only serves to darken the contours of the already obvious inferiority of all that don’t bask in the privileged light that shines when one calls oneself a pure Québécois, and who have chosen to make breath and sound in the screeching wounding cacophony some call English.

Because what my parents really managed to accomplish in not shoving the purity of French down our throats, what they failed to acknowledge in letting us congregate in what at first seemed like harmless fun with the Anglo kids, was affording their Jewish-half-Morrocan-half-Romanian-half-francophone-half-anglophone son the wonderful opportunity to marry a fully-Christian-half-Lebanese-half-Palestinian-half-Anglo-half-Franco girl, with whom he could raise his very own half-anglo-half-franco-half-Jewish-half-Christian-quarter-Moroccan-quarter-Romanian-quarter-Lebanese-quarter-Palestinian cultural clusterfucks they are doomed to bring into this world.

This was made possible by the only tie that bound us, the English language in which we enveloped ourselves from the very beginning, with our English jokes, and our English movies, and our English logic, and our English ways. We rarely spoke French together, we lived a subterranean subversive secret Anglophone lifestyle and we giggled our way through it all, slapping the face our beloved province and the xenophobic values it holds so dearly in the process.

Had our language police done its job and cracked down on this English nonsense, had it punished it with impunity they way it is meant to be punished, wielding weapon and ruler, measuring every single letter to ensure the reduction of anything that appeared as audacious or emboldened English on a stained sign, I wouldn’t have the bastard kids I’m about to have and my Sainte-Flanelle wouldn’t look like the second coming of a cucumber sandwich eating contest.

Les Maudits Anglais. They ruined a summer full of promise. They infected a new family with the possibility of tainted multiculturalism and worldy knowledge, and they ran everything French out of the locker room at the Bell Centre,

Just look at them, these Habs, they’re disgusting, and you can just feel them thinking in their rotten English. It makes me ill, I can’t tell you how much it does.

They’ve brought shame to the jersey. Dryden, forever immortalized leaning over his stick, in a pose that evokes the blatant laziness that characterised every Anglophone. Without the brilliant Bunny Laroque pushing and threatening Dryden’s place on the team, Kenny would have just been another rotten Anglo lawyer perched high atop his pretentious Anglo ivory tower, keeping the Québécois away from power and knowledge. Robinson, another example of Anglo ineptitude, who was only rendered passable playing alongside the immeasurable genius of Guy Lapointe and Serge Savard. Sans Lapointe and Savard, Larry, you’re just another shlep who tried to sleep with my mom. Steve Shutt: a right wing who brings shame to the term right wing. An afterthought without Lafleur and Lemaire, who showed the entire world what chemistry means, and who remain extremely close friends to this day.

I can’t go on.

Les Maudits Anglais:

Nom: Glen Metropolit

Lieu de naissance: Holy shit – Toronto fucking Ontario.

Strenghts: Doesn’t call Toronto home anymore.

Weaknesses: An astute student of nothingness. Zero work ethic, and a collector of welfare checks. Such a tête carrée, CCM has been commissioned to design the first cubic helmet.

Should be traded for: Steve Bégin, an incredible Québécois warrior- ambassador who would probably cry in Renaud Lavoie’s arms if he were ever traded from Montreal. But that would never happen as it would summon such fury in the streets it would make the Richard Riot look like a macramé convention.

Nom: Carey Price

Lieu de naissance: Anahim Lake, British Columbia

Strengths: Can drink a beer like any good Québécois, and models his choice of summer holiday destinations on the Pures Laines, vacationing in Cancun and Cayo Coco drinking beer and Margaritas. Will never win a gold medal for Quebec but as a native of BC knows the value of Quebec Gold. Has also shown the ability to adopt the flapping butterfly style brought to this game by Québécois immortal legend, Patrick Roy, where one makes a routine butterfly save and then raises both arms in the air to acknowledge the adoring crowd.

Weaknesses: An Indian who’s ancestors probably have Québécois blood on their hands in trying to prevent the noble takeover of native land by brave French forces. Has chosen goaltending as his position of choice. A suspicious Anglo who speaks in subdued hushes while probably pushing forward a hostile anti-francophone agenda. Can’t cover his angles, only doing well at 90 degrees. Has more Anglo trash depicted on his goalie mask than a painting at Buckingham Palace.

Must be traded for: Pascal Leclaire, an emerging superstar in this league who took the Columbus Blue (great color) Jackets to the next level, i.e. just missing the playoffs. Leclaire will be reminding this Anglo laden Canadiens battalion what they are missing eight times this season.

Nom: Travis Moen

Lieu de naissance: Swift Current, Sascartoon.

Strenghts: Name can be pronounced in a French way. Is apparently an aggressive forward who played for Anaheim, California, a state where super Québécois legend Alexandre Daigle surely bedded thousands of busty women.

Weaknesses: Is the most unknown player to wear a Habs sweater since Juha Lind.

Should be traded for: Antoine Vermette, a gritty two-way player who knows how to vote in referendums.

Nom: Gregory Stewart

Lieu de naissance: Cuisiner, Ontario

Strengths: Hard working forward who will do well on the fourth line and who’s not afraid to take on the biggest and meanest players on the opposing team.

Weaknesses: Only takes on the biggest and meanest players on the opposing team after the team is on the verge of losing an incredibly important game prompting a huge last second downtown rally that finally brings people out of their slumbers and stirs the crucial passion required to turn the tide. An Anglo procrastinator.

Should be traded for: Grégory Charles, the only Grégory this province will ever cheer for.

Nom: Josh Gorges

Strengths: Emerging into a convincing argument in the Rivet trade discussion. Is rumoured to be considering changing his name to Jean Georges.

Weaknesses: Average skater, passer, shooter, hitter. Average human being. The model Anglo. Taking skating lessons from Galganov Russian skating school in Côte-St-Luc.

Should be traded for: François Beauchemin, an incredible blue liner had the Canadiens had the fortune to draft would have never dealt.

Nom: Ryan O’Byrne

Lieu de naissance: Victoria – (yeah, as in Queen Victoria), British (yeah, as in England British) Columbia

Strengths: Amazing scoring ability

Weaknesses: …to score in his own net

Should be traded for: Francis Bouillon, a hard working all-Québécois hero who at 5”5 stands taller than every inch of the 6”5 Anglo frame O’Byrne should be ashamed of carrying. Bouillon is also far more able at 5”5 to snatch a purse without raising any suspicion.

Folks, pray for this team. And my children.

The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview, Part 1: Money and the Ethnics

Last year's 100th Anniversary celebration was a disaster for any number of reasons. What were they? The FHF has no idea and no time to figure it out. What we do have, however, is connections. Connections to hockey brilliance. Connections to a man who has his finger on the pulse of the team, the people, dare we say a nation. Connections to a man who gracefully agreed to help what he thinks are four young, PQ votin', French speakin', descended from the first guys off Champlain's boat bloggin' fools (shhh.) So we present an FHF exclusive: The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pur Laine Awesome Preview!

Today, it's Part 1: Money and the Ethnics

Overview: Last year was an abomination, and it's no secret why. The Montreal Canadiens, the team of Francophone legends like Richard, Beliveau, Cournoyer, Lafleur, Roy, et Brisbois lost their way. Lead by a man who insulted the very essence of all real Quebecois with his utter refusal to learn and speak the language of the people, a lost decade has seen Les Glorieux stray from their raison d'etre, ceasing to be the embodiment of Francophone pride to become just another equipe. Frankly, they might as well be les fucking Montreal Maroons at this point, maudit Anglais. The question is, has Bob Gainey repaired la Sainte Flanelle? If not, the blame will clearly lie at the feet of the Money and the Ethnics, Scott Gomez, Brian Gionta, and Mike Cammalleri.

The Money and the Ethnics:

Nom: Scott Gomez

Lieu de naissance: Anchorage, Alaska

Strengths: Gomez is a shifty attacker with excellent vision and passing. Very good speed. Well-liked by team mates and a natural leader.

Weaknesses: Gomez does not speak French. Gomez doesn't understand the culture of the Montreal Canadiens, the unique history of the French people, the importance of language and the overwhelming awesomeness of pur laine Quebec. Gomez also makes too much money, which has forced les Canadiens to release Quebecois warriors of better talent like Mathieu Dandenault and Steve Begin. He can also be muscled off the puck in offensive zone, and his faceoffs need work.

Should be traded for: A brave, pur laine French Canadian leader like Daniel Briere.

Nom: Brian Gionta

Lieu de naissance: Rochester, New York

Strengths: Gionta is a speedy and feisty winger who plays much bigger than his size. His energy and attitude are valuable commodities in any dressing room. He has a nose for the net and scores big goals.

Weaknesses: Gionta attended Boston College, not a school like Universite de Laval or Universite de Montreal where he would be properly educated in the history of this great nation. His French is non-existent and constitutes a slap in the face to all Quebecois. He is an unfit representative of our national team Les Canadiens, and will never understand the unique place les Glorieux holds in each pur laine heart. Like other Ethnics with money, Gionta has forced more worthy, more deserving players such as Francois Bouillon out of their rightful places in the Tricolour. His size is also an issue, and it's possible he may never return to his 48 goal season of 2005.

Should be traded for: A dimunitive pur laine superstar, Martin St. Louis.

Nom: Mike Cammalleri

Lieu de naissance: Richmond Hill, Ontario

Strengths: A talented goal scorer and power-play specialist, Cammalleri can play center and left wing. A very intelligent player, he has an appreciation of the Canadiens history and the passion of the fanbase and has expressed his delight at pulling on the sweater.

Weaknesses: As much as Cammalleri says he knows the history of the franchise and respects the institution, as an Anglophone he will never, ever feel the pur laine love for les Canadiens that members of the Quebecois nation will. As such, he is an inferior choice to real Canadiens like Vincent Lecavalier or Briere, who would do anything for the chance to wear le Bleu, Blanc et Rouge. Cammalleri is not a native Francophone, and as such will never be a suitable leader for this great franchise. His salary is outrageous, especially since pur laine talent such as Pierre Dagenais and Alexandre Daigle have been blackballed in favour of this untalented Jewish Italian. Can be inconsistent, and doubts exist as to whether he can keep up his production without Jarome Iginla's help.

Should be traded for: A pur laine scoring star who would bring real honour to the jersey, Mike Ribeiro.

Tomorrow, Part 2: Maudits Anglais