Sh*t my mom says - Habs 4, Sens 1

As reported on this very website yesterday, I was delighted to be accompanied by my mom to witness the Habs-Sens snoozefest in person. Mom was on fire with the quotes, so I stole a pen and wrote down some of the shit she said. These are (mostly) actual quotes. Mom was so astute, they should really put her on the TSN panel. She's way better than Ray Ferraro.

Pregame
Pounding down ribs and booze at Baton Rouge, mom had some choice words about Chokula's decision to bench PFK for a third straight game:

"He's fucking with his head."

"The old guys are gonna drop dead."

"There's no more low fives with Carey at the end of the game. That givez me a sad."

First Period
Mom gets a bottle of water from a vendor (she knows how to prevent hangovers). The vendor removes the cap before handing it to her:

"Why thank you very much! That's very kind of you to open it for me. Can I have the cap, please?"
"I'm sorry ma'am, I am not allowed. They're dangerous."
"What kind of shit is that?"

Second period

(about halfway through) "I remember the last time we went to a game together, there was passing, and passing, and passing. I'm not seeing the same thing."

"We can't even carry the fucking puck!"

Near the end of a craptastic 5:00 PP:

"They don't know where the fucking puck is!"
(re DarCHe being on the PP) "He's dropping dead out there"
"This is reason enough to bring PK back"
"PK! PK! PK!"
"How pathetic was that???"

(end of the period) "How pathetic was that???"

Third period

(on Halpern's goal) "Fucking beautiful!!!"

(14:00 left. The quotes dry up as mom is too busy bopping her head to the Ramones' Blitzkrieg Bop over the P.A.)

(11:00 left. The scoreboard flashes the game stats which were about even at the time) "I'm looking at the stats, they're ridiculous. Aren't Ottawa a crappy team?"

After Gio scores to make it 3-1:
Me: "NOW we can go ahead and play some JM defensive shell."
Mom: "No! You know 3-1 isn't enough."

(6:00 left, Cage aux sports ad on the scoreboard) "Never mind the fucking free wings, but at least get one more."

End of the game

"My oh my that was just a delightful contest! Sure we sucked in the second period, but overall that was so much fun. Thank you so much for going with me, 29, that was so wonderful. Now go make me a fucking grandchild already."

Bring on the Boredom: Team Chocula vs Team Son of Chocula Game Preview and Open Thread

"The Senators ... just like watching C-Span, except more boring!"

Good lord, it's the Senators.  Well, let's get this shit over with.  The vanilla Sens and their fans are the yearly physical of the Habs schedule:  dull, predictable, possibility of being violated in a professional and boring manner.  Let's get this done and move on.

Paint Drying:  Tonight, at the Bell Centre at 7:30.  Habs winners of two straight, Sens are 3-6-1 in their last 10.  These teams have already played 3 times this year and still have (checks schedule) good God, three more meetings including tonight.

Grass Growing: Random Sens assembly-line winger Chris Kelly had a hat-trick last game.  Whoop-de-doo.  Quiet Swede Captain Daniel Alfredsson is still around.  With the annual "we hate Dany Heatley" game out of the way, Sens are not-so-boldly wandering in the wilderness of the bottom half of the Eastern standings.  Even their most intriguing celebrity couple is the nicely cute and quiet Mike and Carrie.  Jesus, even Hilary Duff and Mike Comrie send each other naughty texts.  

Christmas Party at the Accounting Firm: Habs are winning the Chocula way, with stifling defence, great goaltending, everyone doing their job and doing it the same way every time.  Chocula even found a way to remove the one skater who strayed off the plan when PK had one bad game.  Now he may never get back in because the Swiss Mister II is playing it safe.  Cripes.  Of course, like Sens fans in the Alfie/Heatley/Spezza heyday, winning makes you accept some dullness.  

C-Span on a continuous loop:  The most interesting thing about the Sens used to be our old friend Senators Los Cojones over at Five For Smiting; you could always count on SLC to rip someone or something to pieces like a rabid pitbull when wronged.  Sadly, SLC has called it quits so now everything associated with Ottawa is beige.  

Being Single and Listening to Your Married Friends Talk About Their Kids:  Well, if your kids were Mathieu Darche or Benoit Pouliot or Pleks or TFS, you'd be bragging too.  For the Sens, both goalies have been pretty good ... but instead of igniting a goalie controversy, it's made Sens fans almost crack a smile and say "I like that Leclaire and Elliott.  Good goalies."  Scintillating. 

Dishwater, dull as:  Repeat the same - Markov out for the season.  Sens don't even have the decency to have an injury. 

Out on a date with your Mom: Usually as boring and painful as you can imagine ... unless you're HF29, whose Mom is the coolest and will be at the game with him tonight!!!  Whoooooooo!!!

Mom explains the loss - Sens 3, Habs 2

First off, Mom29 was really excited about all those comments last night. She can't wait for ice cream! She is delighted to read all those comments this morning while she slacks off at work. Mom - she's just like us!

Anyway, Mom, in an email, had this to say about the game last night:

I have to say, when the olé started with half a period still to play, I did think it premature - how can we stop those idiots???

Fucking right mom. Though the olé chant and the booing has already been discussed to death around here, I think it has more to do with the whole "the 100th season is jinxed" meme.

Anyway, not much to say about the game last night that hasn't already been said by you guys. I did think the Fucking Habs put in some decent effort in the face of tough odds. DOOM did his best to be all 6 defencemen at once. I really didn't think Janik was that bad. One gaffe, but overall looked not out of place. Jaro made some great saves early, and really was beaten by an actual goal scorer, so I don't blame him.

The one person I can blame? Bob. WHAT THE FUCK WAS GEORGES LARAQUE DOING ON A 5 ON 3 PP???? I called it a "Carbo-esque experiment" in the thread, and that was not a compliment. Look, the PP has problems without a point man, but BGL IS NOT THE FUCKING ANSWER. Put a fucking forward on the point, put Gorges out there, call up Yanick Weber, but fuck DO NOT PUT OUR DESIGNATED CAN'T ENFORCE ENFORCER OUT THERE.

OK, enough. Let's move forward. Beat the Rangers. Please.

Habs 5 Thrashers 1 - Mom's Report

HF29's mom went to the game last night, thanks to tickets given to her from a very powerful member of the extended Canadiens family. I think Mom has some dirt on him or something. Anyway, Mom was kind enough to send along her thoughts. Unlike the last time Mom filed a report, these are Mom's actual words, sent in two emails:

Great 3rd period last night, the first 2 sucked.

Yeah, the seats are really good, could see the players faces and maybe recognize a few, but hard to see what's going on in one corner. Two objections I have: most of the stuff on the PA is incomprehensible, and - more important - those bloody ads on TV really slow the game down - just when we get some momentum going, there's such a long break - the players look like they don't know what to do with themselves - once they even dropped the puck while the lights were still on. I guess that pays their bills though, right?

God love ya, Mom.

The Power of Mom: Habs 8, Bruins 2

As we reported yesterday, HF29 was accompanied by his mom at the Bell Centre last night. Mom was kind enough to file this game report. Thanks, mom. Your meatloaf is the bestest!

Plan the parade - my oh my, what a delightful contest! The Canadiens sure can score can they? They scored so many goals I could not keep track of them all. And it seems like everyone can score! My son told me that in the first period, each of the four lines scored a goal. Our coach must be very smart to put all those lines together. That's a hard job. I wonder how he does it so well?

That Canadiens player with the Greek name must lead the league in scoring. And when he was named the game's first star and came out on the ice with no pants, that was so cute! And he could fight, too. It was so sweet when he came to the rescue of his teammate Bégin who was hit by one of those nasty Bruins players. It looked like the Bruin hit him in the back. Is that allowed?

And speaking of fighting, that Sergei Kostitsyn sure can throw a punch! I'll bet he's one of the best fighters in the league. I don't understand though why my son kept calling him "Little Tits." I may need to have a talk with him about using bad language.

Our goalie was excellent! He made some very nice saves and flopped around alot. And I saw him make a very good pass from his own end to another Canadien in the other half of the ice. He can really play the puck well!

Such a magnificent evening. It was lovely to have dinner and drinks with my wonderful son before the game. And those flaming sambuca shots we had with dessert were delicious!

The sky is falling - well, there was a part of the first period after we had scored a couple of goals when we really did not seem to be playing well at all. Why did they stop skating like that? And I don't think the other team played very well. Their goalies were not very good. We seemed to be able to score on every shot!

And I thought that Boston coach was very mean. He did not look happy at all and kept sending big players out on the ice to push around our players. That's not nice.

And speaking of not nice, why did the Montreal fans keep booing that big tall Boston defenseman? That's not very sportsmanlike. I also did not like that "na na na na, goodbye" song we sang in the second period. Why were the fans so cruel?

Chez Parée bound? Where? What?

Next evil, evil foe - my wonderful yet unmarried and no grandchildren lawyer son tells me we are playing the New Jersey Devils on Thursday in our last game before the All-Star game. I sure hope that fellow with the Greek name will be there. He's our best player!