Ten Things I Hate About the Hartforlina Whalercanes - Game Preview and Open Thread

Well, now that the relief of last night's win is over, you know what this place needs?  Hate.  When was the last time we spread the hate around here?  Really?  That recently, huh?  Well, fuck it.  It's time for some more hatin'.  If you want to know what time the game is, who is hot or not, who is manning the pipes, I'd love to help you, but I'm busy pouring out some haterade for our old forgotten Adams Division enemies, the Whalers ... er, Hurricanes.  Really. 

10 Things I Hate About the Hartforlina Whalercanes

10. Cooperalls. My god, the Cooperalls. When your only fashion forward brethren are the assholes in the ORANGE jerseys, maybe it's time to rethink. At least the NHL came to its senses and banned those monstrosities.

9. Speaking of fashion forward, how does one go from the classic Whale colours of green and blue and it's variations to the current mess that is Carolina? Check out this timeline and tell me anything from Raleigh is an improvement. You can't.

8. Hey, I've got an idea! Let's trade three straight first round picks (Kyle McLaren, Jonathan Aiken, and Sergei Samsonov) to the Bruins, the team that dominates the hearts and minds of our entire target market, for Glen Wesley! He'll totally continue to put up 50 points a year NOT playing alongside Ray Bourque! Thanks for reloading the fucking Bruins for almost a decade to get your hands on a second pairing defender, you idiots.

7. Look, I get that you needed a PR boost to draw people to see hockey in Raleigh. I also understand that "Nature Boy" Ric Flair could probably declare himself King of North Carolina and the people would build him a palace made out of the skulls of his enemies, and when he bought seasons tickets you must have been ecstatic. But now Flair's damn trademarked "Whoooooo!!!" gets played after goals in waaaayyyyy more rinks than it should, and it's all your damn fault. Hearing it seven times versus the Bruins last week made me so pissed I was hoping Dusty Rhodes would come out and give virtual scoreboard Flair the bionic elbow to shut him up.

6. I've given some of the other WHA refugees grief for this before, but here it is again: Can you at least try to respect the history of your franchise? The Whalers retired Rick Ley's number 2, Gordie Howe's number 9, and John McKenzie's number 19 (which is problematic in and of itself, since rumour has it the Whalers did that solely to cater to Bruins fans who loved former Bruin McKenzie). Since you moved to Raleigh, you just decided to ignore Ley and McKenzie and issued those numbers again. At least you haven't been dumb enough to let someone take 9. Yet.

5. Made a poster boy out of Rod Brind'amour. Nothing against Brind'amour as a player or a man, but making him captain and the face of a franchise? Hard on the eyes, Whalercanes. Not fun. Glad Rod retired before the HDTV explosion or it could have been really scary.

4. Gave Brian Burke his first GM job in the NHL. Yes, it's all the fucking Whalercanes fault. This should really be higher on the list.

3. April 2006 and the 7th seeded Canadiens go up 2-0 versus the 2nd seeded Whalercanes when Justin Williams nearly blinds Saku Koivu in game 3. Habs lose their lynchpin, Montreal media goes apeshit trying to snap pics of a nearly blind Koivu in his hospital bed, Canadiens lose 4 straight and get bounced from the playoffs. Koivu, the Habs and the fragile relationship Saku had with the city were never the same. Fuck you, Justin Williams. Oh, and to add insult to injury, the fucking Whalercanes won the Cup.

2. Speaking of winning the Cup, remember the Penguins mini-dynasty of the early 90's? Yeah, well, it might have been a lot different if Hartford hadn't handed franchise icon Ron Fucking Francis, rock-hard defender Ulf Samuellson and Grant Jennings for John Cullen, Zarley Zalapski and Jeff Parker. The hockey gods were so incensed by the trade they actually ended Parker's career after only 4 games as a Whaler. Seriously, you traded a guy who finished his career with 1800 points (4th all time) for John Cullen? Cullen was a solid player, but his best years were between Kevin Stevens and Mark Recchi when a guy named Mario Lemieux was out injured. Who the fuck was scouting for you people, Reggie Houle?

1. 1980. Playoffs. Four-time defending champs the Montreal Canadiens, lead by all-world superstar (and 7 year old HF10's favourite player) Guy Lafleur sweep aside the Whalers in three games. However, most evil man in the history of the world Pat Boutette of Hartford takes out Lafleur with a knee-on-knee hit, ending Lafleur's playoff campaign and the drive for five as the demoralized champs fall to Minnesota in round two without their talisman. Lafleur never comes back to full on superstar status as nagging injuries start to pile up, leading to his messy divorce from the team a few years later. Save for a few fleeting moments, the glory of the Canadiens died that day. Pat Boutette can rot in hell.

There's a Certain Sheen on Sexy Friday - It's Spin City for the Defence Preview

Bullet points are late because the GM is hungover for the big TMS/Sexy Friday/Crazy Celebrity Preview:

• Rain in Wales?  That's umpossible!!  Euro smackdown of US in Ryder Cup slightly delayed because of atrocious (read normal) weather patterns on the Isle of the Britons;
• Habs lose to Sabres ... was TFS booed?  I assume he was booed.  Powerplay sucks without Markov.  
• Markov's former powerplay buddies aren't doing so hot ... first Marc Streit goes down hurt, now Sexy Sheldon is on waivers (with Martin Gerber too!).  The Urologist better watch his step;
• Hey, do you like college football?  Because Florida/Alabama, Texas/Oklahoma and Oregon/Stanford are all going off this Saturday.  It's your last Saturday without real hockey!

You know what this Sexy Friday needs?  A Sexy Preview!

So You Think You Can GM: The Defence Gets a Major League Preview from Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughan

So, you think you can GM? Ya, you and all the guys on Antichambre, the louts in the cheap seats, Jack Todd, H/IO's mouthbreathers, and every Jean, Richard and Henri on the street. You know what? YOU'RE ALL CRAZY. Just like our celebrity guest GM's.

[Bob Gainey and Jacques Martin flank an empty chair in the Canadiens press room. Enter Celebrity GM and star of CBS's hit comedy "Two and a Half Men", Charlie Sheen]

Hey there, wow. I haven't seen this many people at a press conference since I announced my third stint in rehab after the second time I tried to kill Denise Richards. You buncha crazies. I love you all. Not as much as I love hookers and cocaine, but you press guys ... love ya. Stubbs? Boone? Red? Rejean? Brunet? BR? PJ? I love all of you almost as much as I loved porn star Ginger Lynn. Now, I'm not saying I'd want to fake Boone's death, change his looks through plastic surgery and marry him like I wanted to do with Ginger, but all you guys coming to my press conference makes me feel so ... what the fuck, is that Jack Todd!!?!?! Todd!! I told you if I saw you again I'd choke you to death and then stab you more to death! Dammit Todd!! I'm gonna fucking cut y ... [security wrestles GM Sheen to the floor in front of the podium, Doctor Mulder injects him with something].

Where was I? Is this the press conference about 9/11 being a hoax? The defence? Yeah, the defence of the 9/11 apologists is weak, Boone. Absolutely correct, you little scamp. The Habs defence? [Bob Gainey whispers to Sheen] What? I'm the GM of the Montreal Canadiens now?!!?! Holy fuck this is some bender. I'm more confused than the time I bought that sex doll, made two hookers have an orgy with it, then cut off its hand and tossed it in a dumpster. At least I think it was the sex doll I tossed. Hey Dr. Mulder, you got anything stronger?

Okay, well first of all, I think it's time to trade this Andrei Markov guy. Sure, he's as talented as Heidi Fleiss with a rope swing, but he's hurt so much you'd think he was married to me. I'm trading him for Bryan Fogarty. Now that's a strong skating power play quarterback with a nose for ... heh heh, you see what I did there? Somebody tell me what team Fogarty's on. Is he in Florida? Maybe the Panthers will throw Higgins into the deal. I can't put my finger on it but for some reason I like that kid.

This PK Subban. He's fun to watch, makes for a great quote and skates like the wind, but he's as reckless as Tom Sizemore in a Thai whorehouse. Takes too many chances, and I'd prefer my life to be peaceful ... not a lot of craziness going on in Charlie Sheen's world, you know? Unless he calms down I'm sending him to the minors so that David Fischer can play. Fischer never makes the headlines, so he must be doing something right. Maybe keep that Alex Picard too. Pick-ard. Pick. Ard. Pick. Arrrrrd. Reminds me of pick-ax, which is what I'm planting in that fucking ungrateful Jack Todd's head if he comes back in here. Todd!!! I'm watching you, bitch! Todd!!

That Hal Gill and Josh Gorges are somethin', aren't they? I like to call them two and a half men for the way they played in the playoffs. Two and a Half Men. See what I did there? Two and a Half Men. All new episodes on CBS Mondays at 9:00, just after that fucking terrible Rules of Engagement show with David Spade. David Spade? Seriously? How did that little twit date Heather Locklear after I hit on her for like six years on Sin City and got nothing? Spade's the Jaro Spacek of CBS comedy Mondays ... great success as the sidekick to somebody else, and totally overmatched when trying to do too much. He's ugly too. Like that porn star I killed during that layover in Houston on the Scary Movie 4 press junket in 2005. No, not Spade. Spacek. C'mon Tremblay! Try and keep up!

Can I just say, I have no idea why the other guy who does this job lives in Vermont? There aren't nearly the amount of coke dealing hookers and strippers in Vermont that there are in Montreal. I had sex three times on my walk from the hotel to this press conference. I'm spending Roman Hamrlik type money out there. [Jacques Martin tugs sleeve of Sheen's bowling shirt, points to reporters] What?

Yeah, Hamrlik's overpaid. But he's solid. He and that Kostitsyn kid hooked me up with some ... um ... speakers. Yeah, that sounds plausible. Speakers. Reminds me of the time me and Jon Cryer went looking for a hit between tapings and ended up buying a surround sound system out of some dude's trunk in the In-N-Out Burger parking lot on Santa Monica Boulevard. Then I pushed Cryer out of the car and got a hooker. Good times. It was a long time ago, though. Around the time Hamrlik was really good.

Oh hey, Chantal! I didn't notice you there. Did you get my text? About the ... you know? Interested? No? Your friend isn't interested, or you aren't? Cause I can get someone to fill in one of the spots but ... [Gainey frantically whispers to Sheen]

Right, right, the defence. Nice depth. There's all those kids on defence too. Carle, Weber, that Russian guy, the other one with the funny hair, the tall kid that was gonna go to Notre Dame ... hey, my Dad went to Notre Dame on tv. President Bartlett. I wish I could have cameoed on that show. I heard Aaron Sorkin has a mountain of coke on set. So we're good on defence there. Aces and Eights. Speaking of eights, hey, has anyone seen Price? I paid him for an eight-ball ... [Microphone cuts out, Gainey, Martin and numerous security tackle Sheen]

Ten Things I Hate About ... the Pittsburgh Penguins

So you're just gonna wear that out in public?

We hate. We hate a lot. We hate our eternal rivals, thugs, Western Canadian Cup-stealers, Western Conference franchise player-stealers, and big-city blowhards with one Cup to show for seventy years of ineptitude. But most of all, we hate it when Lord Stanley's mug resides in someone else's trophy case. So until further notice, here's some reasons to hate the guys who have our birthright.

10 Things I Hate About the Pittsburgh Penguins

10. They have this. We wants it.

9. They have him and him. We wants them.

8. Pittsburgh. Penguins. Fuck alliteration. You sound like a high school team.

7. The CSKA Penguins. Does anyone remember this? The Pens went out and bought a stake in CSKA Moscow, only the most famous team in Russian hockey, and turned them into a walking joke. For any fan of the game's history, seeing the team of Kharmalov, the KLM line, Tretiak and Fetisov sporting that fucking ugly skating Penguin was a travesty.

6. Ulf Samuelson destroying Cam Neely's leg with a cheapshot ... no wait, that was FUCKING FANTASTIC. I fucking hate Cam Neely. Um ... Rick Kehoe's pornostache always freaked me out as a kid?

5. The Penguins historically comical uniform choices include this, this, this, and this. That's not even half of the changes, in just 42 years of existence. Pick. A. Fucking. Uniform. That. Doesn't. Suck.

4. Play-by-play man Mike Lange was amusing in Mario's heyday, but now he's an uncontrollable geyser of stupidity thanks to a thousand appearances on ESPN and TSN top tens. "Buy Sam a drink and get his dog one too"? Buy yourself a pistol and put us all out of our misery, for fucksakes.

3. Stole Ron Francis & Ulf Samuelsson for John Cullen and Zarley Zalapski. Fuck me.

2. Jaromir Jagr. The hair. The damn Jofa helmet with that hair. The fact that the Pens lucked into him at fifth overall and picked him with fucking awful, awful hair. The ridiculous luck of pairing Jagr with Lemieux (did I mention that fucking hair?)

1. 1975: The Pens creditors come knocking, since the team can't pay its bills. The fans aren't coming, the team is bankrupt, and just before the Pens are contracted or moved, a last-ditch effort saves them.

1983: The fans aren't coming to see the league worst Pens, the creditors are chasing the owners, Roberto Romano is starting games in goal to tank in an effort to get Mario Lemieux. Amazingly, a last-ditch effort saves the team from moving a second time.

1998: Despite having the talents of Lemieux, Jagr, Francis, Zubov, and others for the last decade, the Pens can't draw enough fans to the Igloo and start deferring player salaries. The team files for bankruptcy for the second time in their history, and (wait for it) only a last-ditch deal put together by Mario himself saves the team from moving for the third fucking time.

2001 and on: Still needing to cut costs, the Pens trade off Jagr, Alexei Kovalev, Robert Lang, Martin Straka and anyone else earning a major-league salary, plummeting to the basement a la 1983-84. The Pens end up picking no lower than 2nd for four straight years and end up with Marc-Andre Fleury, Evgeni Malkin, Sidney Crosby and Jordan Staal to show for it.

So, to sum up: The Pens spend years struggling, the fans stay away, the team almost folds or contracts, the fans rally for a few years and fill the building when the high draft picks lead them to glory. Rinse. Repeat. Congratulations, you bunch of front-running fuckheads, you're the Florida Marlins of hockey!

Ten Things I Hate About ... the Colorado Avalanche

Hate you and you and you and you and ...

First, we hated the red-headed stepchild of the Original Six. We decided to direct some bile towards our most hated of rivals. We took a look at the evil that lurks in Pennsylvania, and HFF33/Panger reserved a special hate for the city he currently toils in. After the events of this week, we could hate on a million things about this year's version of the Canadiens, but you all seem to cover that nicely in the comments. So where does one put all that hatred? Why, towards our former blood-feud cousins who moved out West and struck it rich, that's who.

10 Things I Hate About the Colorado Avalanche

10. They used to be these guys.

9. Colorado Avalanche sounds like a goddamn MLS name. The Avalanche and Lightning need to go. Now.

8. Pierre Lacroix, the smug, pompous, agent-turned GM who slimed and sleazed his way into a stunning run of success and then slinked away to become Avs president just before the wheels came off. His every press conference made me want to take a shower.

7. Colour scheme? Terrible. Jerseys? Ugly. Logo? Uninspired. Bigfoot print? Pointless. The one time they almost got the jerseys right, they just copied the Rangers ... and then they promptly stopped using them.

6. Paying Darcy Tucker a living wage? Reason enough for a hate list.

5. The Hit and the stupid, overblown rivalry that resulted. You would have thought that Detroit-Colorado was the first and only rivalry in hockey history the way it got discussed. Claude Lemieux was, is, and will always be a prick, former Hab or not.

4. I hate the beating they are going to put on the Habs tonight. This would be higher if the losses weren't so frequent lately. I'm getting kind of numb to them, sort of like the Houle days.

3. The appalling lack of respect for the origins of the franchise. You reissued the retired numbers of Peter Stastny, Michel Goulet, Marc Tardif and JC Tremblay, but the stellar, monumental, 128 game (including playoffs) Avalanche career of Ray Bourque warrants a place in the rafters? What a slap in the face to the Nords, their fans, and to the actual Avalanche legends who should one day rightfully go to the rafters, (Joe Sakic & Peter Forsberg, for instance). [For the record, the Hurricanes have also neglected their heritage in this way; of the relocated WHA teams, only the Coyotes continue to honour the Jets retired numbers. So Carolina sucks too. We'll get to them someday.]

2. Trading for and winning a Cup with Bourque drove me crazy, but what made it worse was the year-long "16W" campaign, making it seem like it would be a Shakespearean tragedy if poor widdle Ray retired Cupless. Listen, no one has a divine right to get their name on the Stanley Cup. Plenty of superstar players went their entire careers without winning a Cup. The whole "win one for Ray" crap was so overblown and nauseating I actually cheered for the fucking Devils in that final. Fucking Lou Lamariello and the Devils, people. Think about that.

1. If you aren't sure what I would hate most about the Colorado Avalanche, you're on the wrong site.

Ladies and Gentleman ... up next, the Defending Stanley Cup Champions ... "Welcome to the OC, Bitch" Game Preview

Not as big as Pronger and Getzlaf, but twice as mean.

Waiting in line details: 9:00 pm Eastern ... no Sir Sanford Fleming references today, kiddos. That's a twice a year, spring ahead/fall back affliction that Senators Lost Cojones also suffers from. (Great minds, SLC. Or, as my dad would say, idiots run in herds. Tomato, tomahto.) On the RDS, not on anywhere else, unless you're the one guy in Canada who ponied up for the Versus network. Live from the Pond in Anaheim, as the Habs tour of the awful jersey-stupid nickname division comes to a close.

Pay your cover charge to: Have we mentioned Battle of California yet? We have? Twice? Fair enough.

Hot Sexy Habs to Watch: Gui! Gui! Gui! scored for the first time in 16 games last night. Captain Koivu seems to have shrugged off his early-to-mid-season malaise and was on the scoresheet again ... although as Panger mentioned in his post-game, you can bet the kids college fund on his nightly offensive zone hook. Upset of the night? Breezer! Scored a goal, played decent, sounded totally happy to play a role as veteran dressing room/frequent press box visitor type. As much as we run the man down, he has been nothing but classy in his return to les Canadiens. Grabs should take a seat beside him every trip and take notes. Jaro's reward for 35 stops is a seat on the bench, safe from Bertuzzi, Getzlaf, Pronger, and the rest of the WWF-sized freaks of nature Brian Burke collects like stamps.

Skanky Habs to watch: Is it me, or has Big Tits been kinda quiet lately? Panger noticed Komisarek seemed to be off for a bit too ... here's hoping he was saving it for tonights dance with the Ducks four 600 combined pounds forward lines.

Hot sexy Ducks to watch: Teemu Selanne shows the effectiveness of taking the first six months off, racking up points a plenty. Scott Niedermayer decided being the best defenceman on the planet was more fun when your friends could watch, so he came back too. Ducks are a terrifying mix of speed, size, talent, and anger. Ryan Getzlaf has a Mark Messier starter kit in his locker and may soon need a nickname like "The Walking Apocalypse".


Skanky Ducks to watch: They actually lost two straight this week, and leading goal-getter Corey Perry is out for six weeks after getting his tendon sliced. Super. Now they're pissed off. Hide the women, children, and speedy wingers because someone's gonna get hurt.


Post-game entertainment: Going to UCLA medical centre to count the number of Habs being wheeled in on stretchers? Icing all your body parts in sympathy? Helping find Frankie B's spleen after Getzlaf hits him through the Honda ad on the end boards? Speed-dialing the White House to tell them you found the Weapons of Mass destruction, and they're all wearing black and orange Ducks jerseys? I'm voting for going to bed and reading the accident reports in the morning. There's a reason why no one is seriously considering an Eastern Conference rep as a legit Stanley Cup threat folks, and the train known as the Ducks is it.

Okay, let's hear your thoughts and prayers for the safety of notre Canadiens in the comments.

You Stay Classy, Maple Leafs Sports and Entertainment

So it's no secret we dislike the Leafs, and their fans, and the sometimes sketchy treatment they receive from the NHL. But you can now definitely add another group to the list. We hate Maple Leafs Sports and Entertainment, the parent company of the Leafs, Raptors, Marlies, and Toronto FC.

Easy, right? Not really. We quite enjoyed the falling on their own sword act that MLSE was playing out over the past few months. We liked it when they hung their own GM out to dry. It brought back memories of the good old days of Harold Ballard, the MLG bunker, and dissing the Queen. I could almost hear Milt Dunnell and Jim Proudfoot losing it all over again. It was glorious. We let other commentators at the Star, the Sun, the Globe, the Post, and all over the internet hammer the Leafs and their ownership over record profits and the seeming disinterest in actually building a championship team at the expense of lining their pockets. Life was fine.

But MLSE couldn't leave well enough alone. They had to sink deeper into the muck. In the words of Inigo Montoya, "let me 'splain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up":

Last Sunday, I attended a charity event in support of an organization called World Playground Project (interesting concept, great cause, dedicated volunteers ... check out their website for more details). It was a great event, highlighted by a raffle and silent auction full of great stuff ... his and her Fossil Watches, wine tastings at Niagara Wineries, an iPod Nano, Tom Thomson Group of Seven Paintings, Theatre tickets, stays at the Royal York and Drake hotels, etc etc etc. Sponsors and donors came through in spades. MLSE donated something too.

Leafs tickets? No.
Raptors tickets? Uh, nope.
Jersey? No.
Tour of the ACC? Hell no.
Toronto FC tickets, maybe? No.
Hats? Sweatshirts? Maybe an autographed stick? Guess again.

The all powerful, richer than rich, we-make-money-hand-over-fist parent company of the Leafs donated one (framed) 8x10 autographed photo of Toronto Raptor backup Joey Graham.

Ahem. Joey. Fucking. Graham. Joey "I average 6 points a game for my career" Graham. (For those of you who aren't fans of Dr Naismith's game, 6 points ain't good. At all.)

Not Mats Sundin, or Darcy Tucker, or Tomas Kaberle or Bryan McCabe or even Wade Belak. Not tickets, or a stick, or even a poster sized shot. Nothing from the team that owns this city like no other. MLSE could have stepped up and made this charity a fortune with one simple gesture, because anything with a Leafs logo would have resulted in a bidding war of epic proportions. Can you imagine the checkbooks flying as people tried to get an item with Mats Sundin's autograph three weeks before Christmas? Instead, MLSE tossed a picture of Joey Fucking Graham to the little charity and turned back to its big pile of money.

I know they didn't have to donate at all (insert "they pretty much didn't donate at all" joke here.) I know they probably get requests like this everyday. But an organization that big, that rich, and that important to the city needs to do better, and it doesn't. MLSE acts like it doesn't care. Shame on them.

Not to compare (oh, who am I kidding, this is totally to compare) MLSE and Les Canadiens, but back in school we had a charity event called SkitNite that also featured a silent auction. The Habs sent a jersey autographed by THE WHOLE FUCKING TEAM. Granted, it was possibly the worst Habs team in the past fifty years ... but still:

MLSE: Autographed 8x10 of Joey Fucking Graham.
Habs: Jersey autographed by whole fucking team.

Advantage: Canadiens. Goes to show that whatever happens on the ice or the boardroom, form is temporary. Class is permanent.

If only we had such a decided advantage on the ice.