Quoting Homer ~ game review

~ Homer quotes à propos last night's loss ~

About bandwagoners; "Operator! Give me the number for 911!"

About the third period; "By their own follies they perished, the fools."

About CHocula's 'System'; "You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons."

About FHFers enjoying 4 days off and a shitty loss; "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose: it's how drunk you get."

About dealing with the losses; "Inflaming wine, pernicious to mankind, Unnerves the limbs, and dulls the noble mind."

About PFK: "Kid, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try."

About not enough sexy babe pics: "Lisa, if the Bible has taught us nothing else, and it hasn't, it's that girls should stick to girls sports, such as hot oil wrestling and foxy boxing and such and such." (mildly NSFW)

About mcsplooge; "He knew the things that were and the things that would be and the things that had been before."

About Benoit Brunet's mind: "If something goes wrong at the plant, (don't) blame the guy who can't speak English." 

About making the playoffs; "Dear Lord.. The gods have been good to me. For the first time in my life, everything is absolutely perfect just the way it is. So here's the deal: You freeze everything the way it is, and I won't ask for anything more. If that is OK, please give me absolutely no sign. OK, deal."

About the defense: "Of men who have a sense of honor, more come through alive than are slain, but from those who flee comes neither glory nor any help."

About losing 3 in a row; "D'Oh!"

About team play; "Light is the task where many share the toil."

About slipping towards 8th; "Umm, beer!"

About PFK; "If you are very valiant, it is a god, I think, who gave you this gift."

About last Saturday night; "Yeah Moe that team sure did suck last night. They just plain sucked! I've seen teams suck before, but they were the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked!" 

About the feared collapse; "It was built against the will of the immortal gods, and so it did not last for long."

About the porous defense; "Doughnuts. Is there anything they can't do?"

About losing 3 in a row; "The fates have given mankind a patient soul."

About dealing with the losses; "Son, when you participate in sporting events, it's not whether you win or lose : its how drunk you get."

About coming back vs. the fucking Bruins; "There is a strength in the union even of very sorry men."

About slipping towards 8th; "Be still my heart; thou hast known worse than this."

In about 7 hours; "Oh, well, of course, everything looks bad if you remember it."

No Sex in the Champagne Room 100th Anniversary Extravaganza: Bell Centre Beer

FHF, in conjunction with Telefilm Canada and StripperCorp, is pleased to offer our Habs season preview with no cover charge. For FHF virgins, you may want to review our trademarked Stripperriffic Rating System before tipping the bouncer.

Unlike last year, this season we won't be doing reviews player by player. That was fucking insane. Instead, we'll take a look at the offensive forwards, the defensive forwards, the D and the goalies. But along the way, we'll also be previewing some non-traditional hockey stuff, yet that are still an integral part of the Habs season. Today, we get things going with a preview of the swill they call beer at the Bell Centre.

The tits - it's beer. It (probably) has 5% alcohol by volume. Drink enough you'll get drunk. If you sit in the Molson Ex Zone, you may get one for free.

The cellulite - my god that shit is gross. Allegedly "draft Molson Ex", it tastes like really fizzy skanky water (at best). It will make you run to the bathroom once the tap is open like you can't even imagine. What comes out of your dick at that point probably tastes better than what went in your mouth. Not to mention you paid $9.50 for it.

The armpit hair - overly carbonated, they slap that plastic cup on the top of a huge pile of foam, so when you open it at your seat the foam spills all over your lap. Conveniently, this allows you to piss your pants without much of a difference, so it's a mixed blessing.

In the VIP Room - now, Lord knows I am not one to praise Toronto. But go to the ACC. Revel in the multiple Molson products they have on tap. Revel in the various premium brands and microbrews you can buy in a bottle. Grrrr, I'm getting angry. Shit, our building isn't called the Molson Centre anymore, why the fuck are we still serving that crap?

Chez Parée bound? you could lick the floor at Chez Parée and get a better flavour than Bell Centre beer. This shit wouldn't be served at a topless car wash in Candiac, let alone a top quality adult entertainment establishment. However, I predict I will still drink it when I go to games. BECAUSE I HAVE NO FUCKING CHOICE.

Signature song - "Too Drunk to Fuck" by Dead Kennedys. The only reason you're drinking this blech is to get plastered. Make sure you listen to that song all the way to the end for the awesome puke sound effect.

0.0005 lap dances (out of 10) - No beer gets a zero in my book. But fuck this one comes close.

4 AM Smoked Meat Sandwich:

HF10 - Capitals fans get to choose from at least a half-dozen microbrews on tap at the Verizon Centre. The ACC has it's own fucking BREWERY on site, for Guy's sake. Bell Centre beer is the Breezer of the Habs Gameday experience.

Panger - Bell Centre beer? Get drunk before the game. Drink beer at Hurley’s after the game. Smoke pot during the intermissions.

HF4 - I can't believe the girl in the pic is crazy enough to spill that tiny drop of beer, i.e. 89$ worth of Bell Centre beer, all over herself.

Breaking News: Americans Steal, Destroy Canadian Memorial (Cup)

Kitchener, Ont. (A.P.) - A rowdy American hockey team invaded Canada disguised in Montreal Canadiens' knockoff uniforms a little over a week ago and today returns to its home in northern Washington State after having deconstructed, destroyed and defiled a 90-year old Canadian institution, the Memorial Cup.

After being awarded Canada's top junior-age championship, the Memorial Cup, so called as a legacy to Canadian soldiers fallen during the Great War, the Spokane Chiefs smashed the trophy to the ice and declared that they had "released the spirits of their ancestors" - adding that their ancestors could kick the Kitchener Rangers' ancestors' asses.

What's worse is that it appears from reports that the American band of raiders was in fact led by a Canadian, namely one traitorous Calgarian, Chris Bruton. Bruton moved to the United States four years ago and apparently hasn't been back since, as he clearly hates Canada and all Canadians, living or dead.

Burton defended his actions by explaining that "it was easier to drink from the Cup that way". Tournament organizers had a better explanation: "What do you expect when you give a bunch of America kids Canadian beer all week? Of course they're going to cause property damage by the time they leave."

(You can check out the video, here. Note the Habs-like jerseys on Spokane. Sigh, at least our uniforms managed to win a Cup this year.)