The Morning Skate for Thursday, September 29

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a wild night in baseball...

• Some players we've never heard of went back to Hamilton yesterday. That leaves 36 in camp prior to tonight's Lightning tilt, though that includes a bunch of wounded;
• Have we seen the last of Swiss Mister II?
• TSN's 30 teams in 30 days crap has arrived at the Habs. It seems pretty straightforward and reasonable. The Leafs vs. Habs comments there are another story;
• Speaking of the Laffs, here's a solid headline - "Toronto: The Worst Sports City in the World";
• Someone's been charged in the banana incident;
• Shana Tova ("Happy New Year", sort of) to all the Jews and Jew lovers out there. Here's some hot Jew action (and for the ladies too) to celebrate.

Today's video of Evelyne's tits Habs TV is a tour of the new boards / glass at the Bell. They're bouncy. The boards I mean.

Hockey! Habs!

The first grainy video of rookie camp. We have no idea what's going on, who's who, or anything. But it's hockey.

Tweet this bitCHes for 05/31

Fuck all going on right now. #heresbigbaldalexauldtokeepyouentertained

The Morning Game Day Sexy Friday Skate for March 18th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Brooklyn Decker naked (lap dance to Steve we think it was)...

• HELL to the yes. Hamilton 3, Bolts-Vinny 2 (SO). I have no idea why Dawges went first in the shootout, and from the 7th row behind the Habs bench I told CHokula as much and my section agreed. We all had a good laugh when he scored. Credit Carey and Gio and Tits and discredit CHickenshit, though in his defense there was a non-call on the Bolts right before he got snagged. Bulldogs now 3 points out of both fifth and third. On some personal TMS notes, gros merci à notre chum MC; and LG, sorry we missed you post-game. More later today;
• The 3 points from 3rd is thanks to the Bs only managing a point against the Preds;
• Good job wasting your chance to actually get somewhere in the standings, Leaf! Fla 4, TO 0;
• Devils could have tied the Leaf but couldn't even beat the Sens;
• The Leaf is down to 11th tho as the Thrash are in 10th after their win over the Phlyers in a shootout;
• The Flames move back into 8th with a 5-2 win over the Avs;
• The Stars also leap up in the West clusterfuck with a 5-0 win over the Hawks;
• Dagger (2G) and Jaro lead the way in the Blues 4-0 win over the Kings;
• We assume you know by now that PatCHes could be back for the playoffs;
• 2 game suspension for a Bruin. See, it's possible!
• In case you missed it in the comments yesterday, here's Boone (and yours truly) fawning over Jo- er, GG11 in the Gazette's special monthly HIO synergy thing.

Well, right back at it on a Friday night on Broadway. Before we get there, the TMS Sexy Friday multimedia exxxtravaganza starts with long form video highlights after a win and the best Australian real estate commercial you'll see this week (via). And because we canceled Sexy Friday last week, we'll give you a bonus random Jessica Biel pic, and even offer something for you ladies, hunky Friday Night Lights star Taylor Kitsch. Happy Sexy Friday everyone.

The Morning Skate for Monday, March 14th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning the Brier, eh?

• Tragic news out of Buffalo yesterday as Richard Martin, one third of the French Connection line died in hospital after suffering a heart attack while driving and then crashing. Godspeed, and our sympathies to his family. We remember watching him in the 70's, a true natural sniper;
• A couple of hours later, the Sabres went out and paid tribute with a 6-4 win over the Sens to move into 7th place in the East;
• Caps win their eighth straight, 4-3 over the Hawks in OT;
• Pens rebound from losing to the Habs with 5-1 over the Oil which officially eliminated the Oil from playoff contention, for all you Edmonton hopefuls;
• Wild finish in Dallas with the Stars getting the tying goal with their net empty, only to see the Kings score before they get to OT and win 3-2;
• Here's Coach's Corner from Saturday if you can stomach it;
• What happens to PPP if the PP sells its stake in MLSE? And The Globe says Rogers is passing.

OK big week ahead. (Aren't they all now?). 4 games in 6 nights. Of course the cloud will continue to hang over it all, as it does over the new FHF header. While we wait for a game, how about some video. It's the "get to know you" video of the New Guy, Brent Soapy Sopel (who may or may not have a broken hand). Get a haircut, hippie.

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, February 24th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the fact that alcohol is good for you...

• Sabres snap their losing streak with a win over the Thrash and take over 9th spot in the East, all done in front of their new owner Terry Pegula;
• Ottawa scored 5 goals! Well done! Sure, it was over Florida, but give 'em credit. Sens 5, Fla 1, snapping the Sens' 10-game home losing streak;
• Bolts crush the Yotes (hey that rhimes! sort of) 8-3;
• Pens are now 2-5-2 since Geno went down after losing 3-2 in OT to the Sharks;
• Kings win the battle of SoCal 3-2;
• Mathieu Schneider found a job with the NHLPA;
• Here's the Bieber-Gretzky air hockey match that was all over the intertubes yesterday;
• Looks like RDS will exercise its option to broadcast Habs games in 2013-2014;
• Hickey has a pretty good look at the Habs playoff position.

Leafs in town tonight. Please join us in wishing GoldenGirl11 a very happy birthday. Perhaps for her birthday she would like to have a slow dance with a Hab, as presented in this week's video (lap dance to iRiRi as usual), which is really full of all kinds of win. Gill is awesome as usual at the :20 second mark, and I totally know what he's talking about with the fast part. Been there, done that. And it's "Winds of Change", Hamr, though "Change your Wind" sounds like an even better song.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, February 15th

Today's Heritage Classic alternate jersey is all like, woah, dude, is it 4:20 already?

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being indicted on soliciting a minor prostitute charges while you're the PM...

• FIFTH FUCKING PLACE, bitCHes, thanks to the Caps' 3-2 loss to the Yotes;
• Jaro beats Luongo, and Luongo did a nice favour to the Blues and handed them a goal (video);
• Flames crush the Avs 9-1;
• The Avs were without Peter Forsberg, who retired again. We'd say something nice about him, but we'll probably get another chance;
• Brian Burke trying to make the CotU media love him by keeping busy with trades. Versteeg to Flyers for 2011 picks including a first-rounder;
• TSN continues their PFK piling-on;
• Squid was at practice yesterday with the team and may be back for the Heritage Classic;
• The Power Rankings roundup has the Habs in 10th (ESPN), 7th (!) (The Hockey News), and 13th (guess who).

Buffalo comes a-callin' tonight. While you wait, lap dance to iRiRi who keeps pointing us to awesome Habs video. Today's question is about crushes when they were 10 years old. Hal Gill at the 1:22 mark rules as always.

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, February 8th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of smoking pot in church...

• Scoreboardwatcher is enjoying the Rangers troubles, as the Wings beat them 3-2;
• Somehow the Leaf scored 5 goals and beat the Thrash 5-4;
• Sens lose. Again;
• Calgary has made its way into 8th place in the West with a 3-1 win over the Hawks;
• Our old friend Coach Carbo has found a real job, in Chicoutimi; 
• La Presse on the future of Hamr;
• Looks like Sid will be out until March;
• Your weekly Power Rankings wrap-up has the Habs in 9th (ESPN), 8th (The Hockey News, with bonus TFS love) and of course TSN has them the lowest, 13th.

In this week's Habs get to know you video, it's clear that Hal Gill understands the paradoxes of time travel as well as any internet geek, god bless him (at the 1:52 mark). Lap dance to someone (iRiRi maybe?) who mentioned this in the comments recently.

The noontime skate is firing cannons for Monday, January 24th

Bullet points for what you missed while sleeping off your Championship Sunday hangover...

• We guess some hockey games happened yesterday. We didn't notice, we were watching football. Let's see, Flyers win, Islanders are terrible, nothing newsworthy there. Devils won their fourth straight. Atlanta lost, that's good;
• Garth Snow: "Hey Nabby, we've signed you. When would you like to report?" Nabby: *Click*;
• Looks like Sid won't play the ASG, and Geno isn't too likely either;
• All you Sens fans (I'm sure there are still some somewhere) calling for a GM or coach firing are out of luck;
• Komi is allegedly punching women and not commenting on it. No comment on the no comment;
• The Leaf Stan Lee Guardian is a tree;
• Goodbye SCHrabble, we hardly knew ye;
• Jack Todd sort of gets it, but not really. It was never the fans who ran Koivu out of town, you idiot. If it was anyone, it was, you know, the media.

Hey look, it's a video of Habs shooting the puck. Hard! Who knew CHicken was the second coming of Al Iafrate?

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, April 7th

Bullet points for hat you missed while having nightmares of the death of net neutrality...

• Well, as usual for the Habs you can look at last night's 4-3(SO) loss to the Isles in a couple of ways. On the one hand, a valuable point in the playoff chase. On the other, GODDAMN IT WHY CAN'T WE FUCKING HOLD A FUCKING LEAD IN A FUCKING THIRD PERIOD JM IS SUPPOSED TO BE A FUCKING DEFENSIVE COACH WE FUCKING BLEW OUR CHANCE FUCK FUCK. Either way;
• We blew our chance to clinch because the Rangers lost;
• Philly won;
• The Thrash loss means they are officially eliminated from contention;
• In a game MYFO hilariously dubbed the end of the regular season, MAF got yanked in the Pens' 6-3 loss to the Caps;
• 13 goals were scored in the Battle of Weather;
• Daniel Alfredsson has played 1000 games already? Apparently. Ottawa wins;
• Stick a fork in the Flames' playoff chances, the Avs get the last spot in the West.
  

Well, the good news is the Habs need merely a single point in the last two games to clinch a playoff spot. The bad news is that the Habs merely need a single point in the last two games to clinch a playoff spot. Finally, in case you haven't seen this excellent video that's making the rounds, it's good for a smile this morning.

TMS pops in on the weekend because he likes a good noogie fight

With our Videotron back up, we're finally able to see the Ryan O'byrne - Richard Clune "tilt." Catch it at the 1:55 mark. We're still giggling.

The Game Day Skate gets his 3 seconds of fame for Wednesday, February 10th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of being on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue... (and here's a lot more SI Swimsuit just for fun...)

• Habs continue to drop like flies, now the Urologist and CHicken won't be seen for a while;
• Not only are our players dropping, teams around us are winning. Let's start with the Bs' 3-2 SO win over the Sabres;
• Bolts move ahead of the Habs in the standings with a 3-1 win over the Nucks. Weren't the Bolts in 13th like, 2 weeks ago?
• Isles win in a SO;
• Ottawa beats the Flames, now have as many points as the Sabres in the division;
• Carolina wins, dumping the Leaves to last in the East. I guess that's sort of good news, right?
  
• In real good Habs news today, Pleks seems to want to stay here.
  

Caps and their zillion-game win streak at the Bell tonight. For our last media-whoring act, we present the lame 3 seconds of yours truly on the teevee (check the 1:45 mark). Many lap dances to hfotwc for capturing and sending us the vid. Here's the widescreen version so you can see more of my dishes in the dish drainer, and at least a glimpse of the cute but married reporter actually in my apartment.

The Morning Skate is rooting for the Als for Sexy Friday, November 27

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Bar Rafaeli in a bikini...

• In case you missed all the comments, finally some there was decent injury news as Markov, Gomez, and Jaro 2.0 all skated yesterday. They're talking about Gomez playing Saturday because Desharnais went back to Hamilton, and maybe Markov coming back early, before the Olympics. Praise Jebus;
• Sens win a tight 2-1 game over the BJ's;
• H. Sedin gets the winner for Vancouver;
• Big surprise, Ovie avoids suspension. Can't have your superstars sitting in the press box you know.
  

TMS is seriously getting Grey Cup fever. Congrats to MVP Anthony Calvillo. Go you fucking Als (cheerleaders).

The Morning Skate for Friday, October 23rd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of January Jones' cleavage...

• Well, we admit it was just the Isles, but we're gonna enjoy it while we can. A very impressive 5-1 win where all four lines seemed to generate offence, the defence looked decent, and we can even laugh at Jaro's gaffe that led to the Isles' only goal. The only bad news is that now we officially have a goalie controversy. More later today;
• Crazy final minute in Ottawa as the Preds go ahead, then the Sens tie it (shorthanded no less) with less than 2 seconds left only to lose 6-5 in OT;
• Kovy wins Kovy vs. Ovie, but the Caps take the game 5-4;
• Devils beat the Rangers in the Batlle of the New York Metropolitan Area;
• Flyers take care of the Bruins in a SO. Habs have as many wins as the Bs now. Suck on that, preseason predictors;
• Yotes continue to roll (BWAHAHAHAHA. No, we're serious), with an OT win over the Wings no less;
• BR finally checks in on the Frog book.
  

Mmm, long-form video highlights.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, October 21st

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of being welcomed into the Catholic Church...

• THANK FUCKING GOD. More later today;
• Pens continue to roll;
• Iggy leads the Flames to a 6-3 win over the BJ's;
• Whale jerseys now available! Long live the Whale!
  

Long-form video highlights? Is that something you might be interested in? Relive all the glory of McSplooge.

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, October 15

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the BSG women in Maxim...

• Who remembers booing Vladimir Malakhov? Well, he has a few choice words for the Habs and francophones, whom he calls xenophobic towards Russians;
• BGL won't be sent to bed without supper by the Habs for the sex 'n booze ad;
  
• The Bulin Wall goes home to Chicago and the Hawks beat him;
• Thanks to an epic shootout, Pens keep rolling along;
• As do the Rangers;
• Brian Burke is chill despite the Leafs' suckitude.

OK big day in prep for the home opener tonight. HF4 has something for you and we'll have your game preview later this afternoon. To get you psyched up, why don't we all enjoy the goal scored off Komi's head again:

The Game Day Skate. Do you hear me? THE FUCKING GAME DAY SKATE!!!! WOOOO!!!111!!

No time for formatting bullet points this morning we're too winded from excitement. So the only news we never got to yesterday is the big announcement that the Habs captain is... no one! Congratulations Council of Village Elders! You paid $6 on a $2 bet.

There was some other news overnight, as our old pal Judge Baum decided that both Jimmy Balls' and the NHL's bids sucked moose cocks, and rejected them both. Zing! OK now things should really get messy. And in other news, we can't believe we went the whole day yesterday and no one mentioned Matt Sundin's retirement. Remember the days when he was all we talked about around here? Me neither.

OK so we're gonna try and sort this day out with a Habs-Leafs preview coming up soon. If you want something to read in the meantime, scroll down to HF4's (with an assist to GG11) brilliant finale of the Bertrand Raymond preview, posted late yesterday 'cause of that whole Little Tits ugliness that we shall never speak of again. Or you could just watch the last of the TMS opening week totally random chicks 'n booze video series. The countdown clock shows 0 days. We're ferklempt. Let the collapse begin.

The Morning Skate for Wedn--- HOLY FUCK THERE'S HOCKEY TOMORROW

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of Rogers dickheads screwing you over at a Jays game...

• Habs make their final cuts before the season. No surprises really - Maxwell, Pyatt, Weber, Carle, and the Sandman. That leaves the requisite 23 players, with Chips going to Toronto for the opener, but injured;
• Will JM name a captain today? La Presse's François Gagnon says yes and it will be Gionta. TSN files a totally uselessly piece on the subject;
• Our old friend Gang Bang Lang has found a home in Phoenix. Well, as much as Phoneix can be considered a home until everyone there moves;
• The ZSC Lions beat the Chicago Blackhawks to win the Victoria Cup in Zurich. We don't understand that sentence either.
  

So the now legendary (in our minds at least) Bertrand Raymond series comes to an end today. So sad. To cheer you up, here's our next TMS opening week hot chicks 'n booze video. It's actually the subject of the last Pure Laine preview, BGL, along with some babes shaking their babe parts and playing street hockey all while pimping some new energy drink booze beverage. Mmm, drunken street hockey. Some of you may have already seen this following a Habs I/O link, but those MSM pussies wouldn't embed it, so we'll do the dirty work. You're welcome.



Lap dance to reader Mark for the nightmare link

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, September 29th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of stupid fucking Jake Delhomme throwing stupid fucking interceptions and robbing you of a victory in your weekly football pool. Uh, not that that happened to TMS or anything...

• So maybe one of the reasons Little Tits was sent down was that he missed the bus to Quebec City last week. Oy. Did he not learn anything about missing team transport from Grabs?
• Stories of love and bonding from Teen Ranch;
• In case you missed it in the comments yesterday, here's the lowdown on the lines and D pairings. Max Pack on the 1st line. TMS likes Max Pack, but that's a joke, right?
• Theo Fleury says goodbye. Small guy, big heart, bigger liver, yada yada;
• Panthers lose to Finland's sixth-best team. Write your own joke.
  

OK so we've got more Bertrand for you coming later today. To get you fired up for the opener which is THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW, we thought we'd spice up TMS for the rest of the week with what makes all opening games special - random videos of chicks and booze. Enjoy.



Lap dance to Stevey

TMS looks forward to JR's broadcasting career

Jeremy Roenick will announce his retirement tomorrow. We had a whole missive about how we're gonna miss the quotes, the style, the personality, and sure, even his on-ice skillz. Then we found the pic above. Says it all.

We'll see you in the broadcast booth, JR. It's where you belong.