Fuck Vidéotron in the ass: don't expect to see any Habs regional coverage any time soon

So we were all excited when TSN announced a package of 24 Habs games to be broadcast in Eastern Canada. Not that we don't enjoy RDS, but a break from Benny Brunet is always good. And those TSN games seemed to be McSplooge-free! Bonus! Of course the games are on BellTV, given that TSN and BellTV are all part of the same happy family giant media conglomerate. But most people in Quebec, and thus a huge majority of Habs fans, have Vidéotron as their cable or satellite provider. We figured it would only be a matter of time before Vidéotron got those games on. Alas, I have bad news. An inquiry to Vidétron's "customer service" about the TSN games has yielded the following response:

Sir, Madam,

We thank you for having taken the time to write to us.

TSN announced that it has acquired the rights to broadcast 24 games of the regional Montreal Canadians in English. These games will not be presented or TSN or TSN2, but at another position which will not in itself be an official channel and will be functional only when these games will be broadcasted.

Please note that TSN already has broadcast rights to 16 games of the Montreal Canadians who will be featured on their regular channels. The games for which the chain has recently acquired the broadcast rights are not and were not presented by any other English broadcasters before this new agreement. The broadcasting of games on Saturday are the property of CBC, while RDS has the exclusive broadcast rights for all Canadiens games in French.

For now, no agreement has occurred between TSN and Videotron on the possible introduction of these 24 games. Since your opinion is important to us, we have forwarded your interest for this channel to our marketing department. New content generating strong demand may lead to its inclusion in our services in the future.

We hope this explanation has been helpful.  Do not hesitate to contact us again for any further information you may need.  Our customer service department will be pleased to answer you as soon as possible.
 
[name of unhelpful customer service rep redacted]

Yes, this explanation has been extremely helpful! In telling me I'm never seeing these games in my lifetime.

Tronna Sports Network Still Stuck in Center of the Universe

Yesterday TSN unveiled its NHL broadcast schedule for the coming season. For all the talk about CBC favouring the Leafs on HNIC, no one seemed to have had that discussion at TSN. Of the 70 games TSN will show, 17 will feature the Laffs, the most of any Canadian team. Habs follow with 15 appearances, and the rest of you loser Canadian NHL cities have just 10 each. Sigh. We don't even have the energy to complain about this type of shit anymore.

As for what Jennifer Hedger has to do with all of this, well, not much. But Bob McKenzie just ain't as sexy as he used to be.

BREAKING NEWS - Toronto Fire Chief Shuts Down TSN TradeCentre Set Due To Overcrowding

Toronto Fire Chief Bill Stewart today announced the TSN set of TradeCentre '08 has been shut down, citing a 2003 ordinance that restricted cable TV sets to a maximum of four blowhards at any given time. The TSN set was featuring every NHL announcer and analyst on their payroll, including a newly-signed JFJr.

Chief Stewart acknowledged this would have an adverse effect on the hockey-mad country, yet insisted it was necessary as death and destruction was imminent. "Especially with Bob McKenzie's waistline, Pierre McGuire's ego, and Holly Horton's tits, there was just no room," Stewart said. "Luckily, these were balanced out by the presence of Darren Pang, so all TSN announcers were able to exit safely."

Jay Onrait, already forced to blog from his living room due to the crowds at TSN, was optimisitc. "Maybe Darren Dreger will get crushed in the rush to leave the building. Punk."

TSN, desperate to fill 15 hours of programming, immediately switched to a replay of the 7th and 8th draws of last week's Scottie's (formerly Scott's) Tournament of Hearts. A desperate nation switched to Sportsnet, and immediately switched back when faced with the prospect of watching 10 hours of Nick Kypreos.

Bowman to Leafs: "No, Seriously, Fuck Off"

As we wrote way back on June 26th, Scotty Bowman has no interest in joining the Laffs. After reports surfaced over the weekend that he was about to become President of the 1967'ers, Bowman sent off an email to TSN telling them it was total bullshit.

The important part of the story here, besides my eternal happiness, is the use of email by Mr. Bowman. They always say Scotty's best skill is being able to adapt to the times; there's your proof.