Friday, October 31, 2008

Valetenko is just a family guy

Hmm. I'm sort of torn on this. Apparently, Pavel Valetenko supports his entire family on his hockey salary. His Hamilton salary just wasn't cutting it, so he had to go home to make more in the KHL. I can appreciate someone who just wants to do right by his family.

Here are some money quotes about the situation:

- His goal was to play in the NHL, but financially, playing in the AHL wasn't cutting it.
- He came over here to make the NHL. He didn't just run home. He had to do it. He knows he shouldn't have done what he did contractually, but he had to. It's not a Radulov situation.

Those quotes are courtesy of Rolland Hedges, Valetenko's agent. Most agents are lawyers, and most lawyers are full of shit. So those quotes may be suspect, and that's why I'm torn.

"You go to da box for 2 minutes, you know, by yourself... you feel shame... and then you get free" Habs 2, Wild 1

You know, we'd love to give you a full recount of an exciting thrilling game between two top teams in the NHL, the big Koivu vs. Koivu showdown, Markov finally scoring on a shot from the point on the PP, Tangy getting two more points, TFS having another outstanding game, etc. Thanks to the refs, we're just going to post this instead, from the second period:

6:07 Robert Lang: 2 Minutes for Tripping Stephane Veilleux
6:24 Christopher Higgins: 2 Minutes for Crosschecking Andrew Brunette
7:48 Roman Hamrlik: 2 Minutes for Hooking Colton Gillies
9:58 2-Minute Bench Penalty for Too Many Men on the Ice (Served by Maxim Lapierre)
14:47 Mathieu Dandenault: 2 Minutes for Tripping Nick Schultz
16:18 Tom Kostopoulos: 2 Minutes for Delay of Game - Puck Over Glass

Throw in a couple more from each of the first and third, and the Habs managed somehow to kill 10 penalties, including a bunch of 5 on 3 time. Well fucking done on that front, boys. The refs weren't much kinder to the Wild, so we're not really complaining about the refs (though you can certainly complain if you like). We're complaining that the game sucked to watch because of the penalties. We'll take the 2 points and move on.

Next evil foe - Habs head to Long Island to battle the sucky Islanders. Trap, trap!

The Morning Sk....... BOO!

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of the Death Star pumpkin...
Enjoy your trick or treating kids. Come to Casa del TMS where we'll be giving out Snickers and meth. Talk about a treat!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

Time to get Wild (sorry, I know that's fucking lame) - Game Preview and Open Thread

I don't know what's going on here, but it looks like fun

Waiting in line details - 8:00 P.M. (EST) start, Xcel Energy Center, St. Paul MN. I love when arenas are named after companies I've never heard of. FHF regular prairiegirlwarriorpoet is going to the game - maybe she can find out for us. This is the Habs first trip to Minny since like the North Stars played there or something. The teams have identical 6-1-1 records, after the Wild lost their first in regulation last night.

Pay your coverage charge to - Of course, we gotta shout out to Kirsten over at Land of Lakes and Hockey. As a Habs fan, she's gotta be torn tonight. Maybe she can come up with a Friday Five for us a day early.

Hot sexy Koivus to watch - Koivu, while being kept off the scoresheet for only the second time this year still managed to win the Canes game in the SO. He's got 10 points in his last 7 games. Koivu is off to his best start ever, leading the league in assists. The Koivus have faced each other twice in the past, with Koivu getting two assists in those games while Koivu has been held pointless.

And the rest - God bless Tangy, who really seems to have found the rejuvination machine after being released from Iron Mike's grip. Didn't he used to be more of a passer though? Now he's scoring goals, with 6 in 8 games. Shoutout to another Finn, Anttttti Miettttttinen who's got 10 points for the Wild.

Skank-o-rama - And herein lies the preview where we turn on Gui! Soon he'll really be dragging the line down, if he isn't already. Little Tits pointless in five. Pleks is snake bit. For the Wild, Niklas Backstrom started great this year but sucked last night and was pulled in the first period.

Line 'em up - TFS will start. The Hamr looks like he can play. No word yet on fourth line members for the evening or whether Breezer will be let out of the trunk of Panger's car.

We are making it through this entire post without mentioning Marian Gaborik -

Interesting news that I'm too fucking lazy to make its own post for - Habs I/O is reporting that studly Hamilton defenseman Pavel Valetenko has bolted for the KHL and Moscow Dynamo. In Soviet Russia, hockey league signs you!

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - head over to Minneapolis and Schiek's Palace Royal. Looks classy. Whatever you do, however, do NOT go to a place called The Strip Club. Talk about false advertising.

Let's get Wild in the comments people! (again, sorry, totally lame)

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, October 30th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning the World Series...
Habs in Minnesota tonight for the first of four straight on the road.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

We agree, Calvin. Blech. Habs 3, WhalerCanes 2 (shootout of death)

Plan the parade - uh, we got two points? That's something. Kovy's goal is still giving me an erection. Ii's been more than four hours so I may need to seek medical assistance. Tangy is beginning to look like a hell of an acquisition. TFS played his usual stalwart game, and his calm demeanor in the face of shootouts is matched only by his bizarre love of country music. Maybe opponents are scared when they see Garth Brooks on his mask. Saks all of a sudden seems to be a shootout master. Breezer didn't play, that's always good. And the tribute to coaching legends Toe Blake, Dick Irvin and Scotty Bowman at the start of the game was perfect, like all Habs ceremonies.

The sky is falling - sit back, grab a delicious beverage, this may take a while. Gui! is really starting to suck the love juice out of the Guay Tender Saks line. Time to put Higgy there. If his ability to hit an open net is as good as his ability hit an open slutty babe, Gang Bang Lang is going to have his nickname revoked. The Hamr got injured, and we don't know the extent. That's bad, 'cause his D partner Rhino did not seem to improve after sitting out Saturday in the press box to think about life. Habs PP can move the puck like my dealer can move meth, but putting the puck either on net or actually in the net seems to elude them (0 for fucking 7). Pleks is starting to really worry us; maybe it's time to try Lang with Kovy. After dominating the shots Saturday night, we got badly outshot last night. Habs didn't show up until about 12 minutes had elapsed in the first period.

Wake the fuck up, Carbo - he had this to say about the game: "Except for the first 10 minutes of the first period, I thought it was a pretty even game. Look at how many empty nets we missed." That's it, accentuate the positives, like how many empty nets you missed. Time to start doing some fucking coaching there, Mr. Jack Adams nominee.

Wake the fuck up, RDS - I like Benoit Brunet; he is articulate and seems to know his hockey. But he is really becoming a fucking homer and it's pissing me off. When Staal was pummeled by DOOM in OT and then Staal got a retaliatory tripping penalty, BB immediatly reacted with "that was a clean hit and Staal was stupid for taking that penalty." Uh, no. DOOM clearly hit him from behind into the boards and basically tripped over a falling Staal getting out of there. Watch the fucking replay, dickhead, instead of jumping to your homer conclusions.

Chez Parée bound? Price, Tangy, Kovy and Saks. The rest need to do some soul-searching before they're getting any action.

Next evil-ish foe - Habs visit the land of 10,000 lakes and the league-leading Wild. Koivu vs Koivu! BGL vs. Boogaard (please please please)! Habs suckiness vs. my liver! Should be a hell of a matchup.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, October 29th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the Republicans ripping themselves apart...
Welcome to the very short but magical time of year when there is NHL, NBA, NFL, and the World Series. If I'm needed I'll be in front of the TV.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

Fishnet in memory of the Whale - Hurricanes Game Preview and Open Thread

Fishy, fishy, fishy fish. That went, wherever I, did go. Who's up for a little "find the fish"?

Waiting in line details - 7:30 PM start at the Phone Booth. Are we ever going on the road again? It's Méchant Mardi on RDS! I still don't know what that means. Are Tuesdays now evil or something? Habs coming off their first regulation loss of the season. Canes sitting atop the Soutleast division at 4-3-1, and a solid 2-1-1 on their current road trip. Last year, Canes had a 2-1-1 advantage over the Habs. Since the lockout, Canes are 9-0 in the Bell Centre. Ye gads.

Pay your cover charge to - old FHF friend Wufpirate is rocking over at Carolina on Ice. He's really upped the Photoshop ante this year. Putting a Staal face on Princess Leia can't be easy.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - Tender Guay Saks of course. Captain K with 10 points in his last 6 games, and Tangy with 8 points over that span. Markov behind only Ottawa surprise Filip Kuba amongst league D in scoring, with at least one assist in every game we've played.

Skanky Habs to watch - well the Danse à Dix line got off a million shots on Saturday but could barely bury one. Little Tits has zero points in four games.

Hot sexy Canes to watch - Eric Staal a point per game over the last 6. Cam Ward has never lost (7-0) at the Bell Centre, with a sick .952 save %.

Skanky Canes to watch - Sergei Samsonov pointless so far this season. Really? You don't say?

Line-up mania! - Well the Gazette reports that Big Tits is playing, but I also read he has yet to be cleared by the doctors. You guys can keep us filled in throughout the day. Other than that, everyone is available, so be sure to see Breezer in the lineup as the Habs coaching staff continue their glorious love affair with him (UPDATE: Breezer is OUT. W00t! Suck it, trunk-boy). TFS will start. Canes are dropping like flies, too many injuries to list.

Post-game entertainment - This week's early-week avoid depressing strip clubs to watch TV pick is Fringe, JJ Abrams' new series on Fox. Maybe a little too X-Files derivative, but damn it's entertaining at least. Last week's Scanners-esque exploding heads were awesome. Of course, the episode may be pre-empted by the resumption of Game 5 of the World Series. In that case, read a boring book; it'll be more exciting than baseball.

Comments, awaaaaaaaay!!!

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, October 28th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of a rainout...
  • K, follow along kids. Sabres are great this year, one of two teams to not have lost in regulation. Ottawa is, uh, struggling (at best), losing Saturday to the Leaves. Should be no contest. Yeah, about that. Sens 5, Sabres 2;
  • The other unbeaten, the Wild, keep it that way, beating the Hawks 3-2 even without Gaborik;
  • Tim Thomas shuts out the Oil;
  • Ducks continue their road-winning ways.
Canes pop in tonight. Big Tits skated yesterday and says he's good to go. The doctors are still thinking about it.

Monday, October 27, 2008

What! No Posts Today?

Since the FHF have been busy today working on jobs that pay the bills, and offsetting the losses inflicted on their respective portfolios as a result of the credit crunch, there has been no posting today, outside of the customary TMS.

But we find that unacceptable. We are a serious blog and we promise to post meaningful content on a daily basis. There is no such thing as a day off at FHF. We commit to you, the reader, to bring you regularly updated features, that will inform you in every way a thorough blog is meant to do.

So, with that in mind, without further ado, let us give you what you've been rightfully waiting for all day.



The Morning Skate for Monday, October 27th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning at Stamford Bridge after no one could do it in four years...
Come back, hockey!

Sunday, October 26, 2008

Coach Estevez Too Much For Habs: Ducks! Ducks! Ducks! 6 - Habs 4

Not a long review, just enough to say that the system invented by Emilio Estevez that has long defined hockey in Anaheim left the Canadiens defenseless.

The sight of Kunitz, Getzlaf, Perry, Pronger, and a little girl in a pony-tail, locked in a V formation, steaming down the ice had the Canadiens' shivery-legged squad running for the dressing rooms.

A time-out taken in the second period proved to be the turning point as coach Estevez could clearly be heard riling up his squad, comprised, amongst others, of Niedermayer, Beauchemin, Selanne and the token fat ethnic kid. "We're Ducks, and Ducks don't lose. They play with pride. Quack Quack Quack!!!". After that, Anaheim never looked back.

Estevez knew that everything would go right when the woman he had been courting for the longest time, but with whom he recently had differences of opinions, showed up unexpectedly in the middle of the game. Amazingly, Estevez was able to notice her entrance in the building among the 21 273 spectators, where she even found the only empty seat, conveniently located in the reds.

She gestured to him from far away and whispered a long sentence that he could read on her lips: "I know you've done your best with this squad and I know my billionaire father has given you a hard time. I just want you to know I'm proud of you and I wouldn't miss this game for the world, even though I said I would late last night when you came to see me at my home".

On the next shift, the Ducks won the faceoff cleanly and all retreated to their own end, at which point they put together a dazzling string of back-passes, followed by pirouettes, a somersault, and a player sliding with the puck through a Habs defender's legs, and emerging before Carey Price, freezing him with a back flip move, and batting the puck out of mid-air beyond the Canadiens' goaltender. During this entire 134-second play, no Montreal Canadien managed to touch the puck, nor appeared to move a single inch from their respective positions on the ice.

The amazing goal had Duck fans in Montreal jumping out of their seats. Eztevez's girlfriend leaped into her friend's arms, then turned to Eztevez, who happened to be looking at her at that very moment, and winked at him, a gesture he saw 700 feet away.

The Habs needed to regroup and throw the Ducks off their game. On the next faceoff after the goal, Canadiens' enforcer Georges Laraque levelled Beauchemin with a dirty hit from behind. An incensed Beauchemin limped back to the bench where Eztevez offered him these wise words: " You're better than that, don't play his game". On his next shift, Beauchemin deked Laraque, and four other players to score a beautiful goal for the Ducks. Beauchemin then looked at a dejected Laraque on the Canadiens' bench and smiled.

But the Canadiens kept coming back. With 12 seconds left in the game, the Habs led 4-3. The Ducks had one last chance but the draw was in their zone. Anaheim won the faceoff and charged into the Canadiens' end. Fans anxiously glanced at the clock that, strangely, only lost 2 seconds every time they checked, even though much more time had passed. About 43 actual seconds later, with one second left on the clock, the Ducks slipped the puck past a sprawling Price to tie the game at 4.

One last inspirational sermon from Estevez had the team pumped: "I've never been more proud of a group of guys, a token fat ethnic kid, and a girl with a pony-tail, in my entire life. Win or lose, Ducks, I'm proud of you."On the Candiens' bench, coach Carbonneau was yelling at his players: "you're an embarrassment, you're a bunch of pathetic losers! Hey Lapierre, you can forget about your brother's kidney transplant if you don't score the winner. I'll ship that kidney off to Waskaganish if you don't win this for us!".

The overtime was fought with incredible intensity, with neither team relinquishing an inch. Both teams delivered bone-crunching hits. Both goalies made incredible saves, with Anaheim's goaltender often having to remove his mask and adjust his glasses to see the play better. The Canadiens were applying incredible pressure in the Ducks' zone late in the period, but maligned defenceman Ryan O'Byrne coughed up the puck at the blue line and a young duck player, who had been under-achieving all, movie, er... season long, jumped ahead on a breakaway. Every player on the Ducks' bench rose and the crowd suddenly fell silent, as the player skated into the offensive zone. As he was about to put a move on Price, O'Byrne tripped him from behind.

With 1 second left on the clock, the referee called a penalty shot.

The young Duck had failed to score on 34 previous penalty shots and was terrified by the prospect of missing this one, in this totally important, 7th game of the regular season.

But there he was at centre ice, standing tall with the puck at his feet. A drop of sweat fell off Carey Price's forehead, as he blinked his eyes in slow-motion, waiting for the young Duck to cross into Anaheim's zone. The young forward, reached into his hockey pants and pulled out an asthma pump. He took a deep puff, locked his hands on his stick and moved forward with unrelenting confidence. One fake left, another fake right, one fake left, another fake to the left, one more fake to the right, one to the left, and again to the left, back to the right, and the forward lifted the puck beyond the bewildered Price's shoulders. The red light flashed, the Ducks bench erupted in volcanic fury, and Estevez's girlfriend came running down the stands, bumping her way through the joyous crowd. When she got to the Ducks' bench, the glass separating her from Emilio would not stop her from telling him what she had always known, but fought so hard to resist. Not this time. "I love you", she told him.

The Ducks celebrated at centre ice. Carbonneau couldn't stop hurling insults at his players, and cheezy 80's saxophone music could be heard through the Bell Centre's speakers. This morning, Estevez married his girlfriend despite her disgruntled father, and the young newlyweds sped off after the ceremony in an old Beetle, with rattling cans alerting onlookers to what the sign on the car proudly read: Just Married.

*Author's note: The Ducks never won another game that season and the Habs won the Stanley Cup.

Saturday, October 25, 2008

Dress up, it's finally hockey night again! - (Mighty-ish) Ducks Preview and Open thread

Man I almost forgot the last time there was some hockey. Last week? Last month? And of course, I've got a cocktail party to go to. At exactly 7 PM. Fuck me. Alright, here's the preview for the rest of you who may not be living the glamorous life of Saturday night cocktail parties.

Waiting in line details - the aforementioned 7PM at the Phone Booth. Habs still haven't lost in regulation. Of course when you don't play all week you can't lose. Ducks started like crap but have won 3 of their last 4, including two in a row to start their road trip. Habs have only won once against the Ducks in the last 5 games they've played, and haven't beaten them in Montreal since 2001. Yeesh. Oh, and league-wide, all 30 teams are in action, quite the rarity.

Pay your cover charge to - Battle of California of course. Your best choice when you start mixing all those California teams up.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - Everyone is cold after 5 days of not playing. Seriously though, Captain K has goals in 3 straight games.

Skanky Habs to watch - we were all ready to jump on Rhino, but Carbo beat us to the punch and is benching him.

29 get to the FUCKING EXCITING line-up news already you dick!!! - Higgins is in! Woohoo! Let the trade showcase begin! Price is recovered enough from the flu to back up Jaro. Big Tits skated today, but is not yet yet recovered enough from the upper body concussion to play. El Dandy sits. Isn't he a better D than Breezer?

Hot and sexy and skanky Ducks to watch - Brad May (?) leads them in scoring, while Teemu, Pronger and Getzlaf are were really not doing a whole hell of a lot until last night against the Sens. And Teemu was involved on that Marchant freak goal in the game.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - if we're classing it up, we can only go to FHF spiritual home Chez Paree. In spirit only, cause we never go in there. We're not rich.

Let's do it in the comments people!

Friday, October 24, 2008

Bob is a radical thinker

So Bob shocked the GM meetings yesterday with a radical approach to boost offense. From LeBrun:

The third idea, and perhaps most interesting of all, is an idea from Montreal Canadiens GM Bob Gainey. He proposes that players in the defensive zone must have at least one skate on the ice when blocking shots. So, instead of having players collapsing all over the ice and sliding all over the place, Gainey believes this would allow for more pucks to get through from the point and, hence, create more scoring chances.

The sight of a $9 million forward sliding to block a shot in the Playoffs with the potential to get hit in the balls is one of the highlights of my television watching experience. If they take that away from me, what's next? No more porn on The Movie Network after midnight? Just make the fucking ice bigger already.

We are unaware whether Bob's radical new thinking extends to his potential trading of everyone on the farm plus Higgy for a certain oft-injured Wild forward.

The Morning Skate for Friday, October 24th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Who's Nailin' Paylin...
TMS would like to take a moment to thank all of the FHF readers and commentors who have been giving us all sorts of great tips lately. Normally we respond to each tip but fuck there seems like there have been so many recently, it's been impossible to respond. Don't worry, we'll get to the dildo-throwing Swedish hockey fans taunting a player for his bizarre auto-erotic activites soon.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Old school, baby

I'm not one for sentimentality (note the tag on this post). I am also quite familiar with technology so I am not easily impressed by your little tricks that anyone can do on a good Mac now.

But damn, this new "Where History is Played" commercial for the Habs is pretty fucking cool.

Run for your life! It's a perspective post!!!

So there's been some pleasant back and forth over this whole attendance "it's a myth!" "no it's not!" thing. I'm tired of it. PPP might be tired of it. You, the reader, are most certainly tired of it. But stubborn old HF10 was ready to fire off another thousand words about it until I realized life's too short for this sort of crap.

The moment of clarity came sometime around 3 am, after a night trying to comfort a feverish, cranky, loaded with antibiotics, sick as she's ever been Mini HF10. This blog is suppsed to be a fun diversion; arguing with Leaf fans who assume that the financial realities of 1998 Montreal and the corporate playground of today's Toronto are the same is an exercise in stupidity.

It's too bad. I thought my response to PPP's juvenile potshots was pretty good. I did finally break down and accept that Damien Cox is solely put on earth to convince Leaf fans to stay away from the ACC. I made sure to defend the good people of the Faculty of Law at the Universite de Moncton* (even though that's not my alma mater.) I used my rudimentary math skills to try and decipher exactly what PPP's "absolute figures" prove (not much). I delved into the psyche and finances of Canadiens owner George Gillett (is he a "collector of toys", as PPP asserts? Random quotes from Gillett's associates suggest no.) I even found quotes from Canadiens president Pierre Boivin detailing the dire financial straits the Habs found themselves in at the turn of the century, contrasted that with the train-wreck that was the Montreal economy a few short years after another divisive referendum, and theorized on whether or not the mass exodus of head offices and lack of corporate muscle might have been a reason why thousands of empty seats couldn't simply be papered over.

But what would it get me? Some satisfaction, sure. Probably a lot more frustration if PPP decided to respond again (and since admits he's no good at letting someone get the last word, that was a distinct possibility). Frankly, it wasn't worth it. I'm not going to convince PPP he's wrong, and he hasn't convinced me he's right. Truth is, neither of us really knows what the effect of those missing Montreal fans was. Opinions are like ... well, you know the rest.

Life's too short to respond to mediocre jokes about my profession and fellow law school grads. It's too short to continue arguing about such a non-issue. It's time to get angry about cheapshot Bruins, rabid Ranger fans, and the terrifying possibility Bob may lose his mind and give away Higgins, Fischer and a #1 for a broken-down goal suck who wants an $80 million dollar contract. That's fun. This little set-to wasn't.

* Why is the University of Moncton's law school ranked so low in "Elite Firm Hiring", "National Reach", and "Journal Citations", but pretty good at garnering Supreme Court Clerkships? It's French. Since the majority of the "Elite Firms" do the majority of their business in English, they probably don't spend their time scouring Francophone Moncton for the next great rainmaker. Likewise, it's probably not a stretch to assume that Moncton's French Common law degree is less "marketable across the country". And the lack of French Common law journals might lessen the number of citations Moncton gets ... Ironic that PPP took me to task over research and the internet but didn't take the time to think before he used rankings from Macleans. Glad to see he won't let a little research get in the way of a juvenile dis.

The Morning Skate for Thursday, October 23rd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning Game 1...
Day 3 of no Habs hockey. That's when the meth really helps.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

City of Tampa vs Philly Preview

We are pleased to bring you an exclusive FHF preview of the big Philly-Tampa series starting tonight. For Tampa, we really like Marty St. Louis. Great offense. Philly is struggling coming in but that Danny Brière kid can play.

Wait, what?

Oh, baseball. Carry on then.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, October 22nd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a mistrial...
  • Leaves' coach Ron Wilson goes with the old "change the goalie for the shootout" strategy and it works as well as you would expect - Ducks beat Tronna;
  • Minnesota Star-Tribune is reporting that Wild GM Doug Risebrough is actively shopping Marian Gaborik, and that includes talk with the Habs. Upon hearing the news, Gaborik broke an ankle;
  • The Mullet finally wins a game.
Day 2 of the week off. This is gonna get painful.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

This up and down crap is making me nauseous

Our boy CHips, as a reward for his fine play last night, has been shipped back to Hamilton. This guy is gonna need some serious anti-psychotic drugs pretty soon.

Oh, right, there was a game last night. Whatevs. Habs 3, Cats 1

Montreal beat Florida last night. I had it on in the background while I played cribbage and drank with my friend. I wasn't paying attention at all and the sound was off. Montreal won, and it sounded like Jaro was excellent. I would offer lap dances for everyone, but c'mon, it's Florida.

Panger would like to add, "it was definitely that type of game. I had it on, but ended up paying more attention to my hockey pools. I looked up when Jaro stood on his head, though."

Were you paying attention?

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, October 21st

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of getting dumped as Liberal leader (nightmare to some, dream for others)...
  • RDS headline about the Habs 3-1 win over the Panthers last night: "some talent and some luck." Okaaaay. I don't want to rely on luck to win games. How about some Jaro? He dominated. Trade bait! Trade bait! Saks gets his 600th career point, Frankie B scores the winner in his return, and Pleks shows up to score in an empty net. OK now we're rambling. More later today;
  • Ryder blows chinks in the shootout (big surprise) as the B's lose 2-1 to the Pens;
  • Sean Avery returns to New York, goes out for dinner. Oh, and Stars beat the Rangers;
  • This will probably get its own post soon, but check out this headline: "NHL Governors Considering Second Team in Toronto". One team of suck isn't enough?
It's a long wait 'til Saturday. Bring on the mindless filler!

Monday, October 20, 2008

Mmm Florida... Game Preview and Open Thread

Nice view in Florida...

Waiting in line details - 7:30 start, Bell Centre. Habs looking for their 5th straight win. Panthers are actually playing .500 hockey and putting their cross-state rivals to shame. Enjoy this game, because after this the Habs don't hit the ice again 'til Saturday. Panthers have actually beaten the Habs 3 straight on Bell Centre ice.

Pay your cover charge to - boy the pickings are slim. Panthers' only fan blog (to our knowledge), Panthers Daily Puck, hasn't posted in 10 days. They may want to consider changing that blog title.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - well that new number 1a line (Guay-Tender-Saks, TM Panger) was all over the ice Saturday night. Saks and Markov tied for the club lead with 8 points.

Skanky Habs to watch - Mr. Plekanec, please report to the start of the season. Mr. Thomas Plekanec, please report to the season.

Hot sexy Panthers to watch - After a meh start to the season, Tomas Vokoun shut out the Islanders over the weekend. Panthers' leading scorer is some dude named David Booth. He's now playing in the Phone Booth. Omen?

Skanky Panthers to watch - I'm seriously considering suspending this item for future previews if there are no opposing blogs out there to tell me who sucks.

See if you can follow along here - Big Tits is out with an "upper body injury" (read: concussion). Little Tits will take his spot on the Danse à Dix line. Higgy still hasn't been medically cleared to play, so Bégin will play with Lang and Greek Lightning. That is, if Bégin even plays, as he has the flu (oh god not the flu thing again). If he does play, Lang's gonna love having two finishers on his wings. LaRock is out with a sore groin. The fourth line will be compsed of Mad Max and two dudes chosen at random from the Bell Centre crowd. Actually, he'll have El Dandy and the return of Chips!!! (lap dance to les_glorieux for spotting that one first). Frankie B is ready to go, leaving Breezer in the trunk of Panger's car. Hopefully forever. Jaro pley eeen netties.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - strip clubs are depressing on Monday. Stay home and watch the new Prison Break. Will the gang be able to work with the dangerously hot and hotly dangerous Susan B. Anthony / Gretchen (semi-NSFW photo)? I know you ladies love Wentworth Miller, so there's something for you too.

Let's hear your dirty thoughts about any of the Prison Breakers in the comments...

The Morning Skate for Monday October 20, 2008

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of rumors involving another Marian....

  • Big Tits will not play tonight, but is recovering well from that legal, or illegal shot to the head.
  • 2 games played in the NHL last night did very little for my pool so no use in extending the conversation further.
  • Matt Damon and Ben Affleck cried in each other's arms all night. Then they wrote an oscar winning screenplay about the experience.

Look for our game day open thread later today. Jaro will be in nets tonight as the Habs continue to build on their strong start.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

Plan The Parade: Habs still technically unbeaten after 4-1 win over Jets

Remember when there was a reason to visit Winnipeg? I like Scottsdale in February better anyway.

Plan the parade - TFS(tm) was fantastic, again. It would have been a closer game had he not been spectacular late in the first period. The Guay-Tender-Saks line was on fire again, thoroughly dominating on several shifts, with poonTang leading the way with a pair of goals. Markov finished the game tied for the league lead in assists. But let's be realistic here: the Habs were not playing a Cup contender in the Team Formerly Known As The Winnipeg Jets, and as often as not the Yotes made them look better than they were. You gotta love that Turis kid though (not to mention his Milf mom).

Observations that theoretically go under "Plan the Parade", but seem more like signs of the apocalypse: both Tenderness and Breezer had pretty good games. Maybe Benoit Brunet's constant sucking up is boosting their egos. Hey - whatever makes them not suck.

The sky is falling - Big Tits getting his bell rung - and we're betting he can still hear ringing today. We're also guessing Little Tits has a surrise for Kurt Sauer next time he starts his car. We joke because Big Tits is supposedly feeling much better, may get held out of Monday's lineup only because the Habs don't play again until next Saturday. (Man I hope I didn't just link to a story that RDS broke by sneaking a reporter into Big Tits' hosptial room disguised as an orderly at 5am.) As good as Captain K has been, he's not even the leading scorer in his own gene pool, as little (well, younger) brother Mikko has started the season off with a bang as well.

Chez Parée bound? Price surely, even though I'm always going to let the goalies in. The Guay-Tender-Saks line in for sure, LaRack for trying to extract a pound of flesh from Sauer, and Kosto for doing so. The Habs reportedly invited the Coyotes to join them, but they declined since it was past most of their bedtimes.

In the VIP room - While the Habs didn't play 60 full minutes, they played most of the three periods and when they didn't feel like skating they had Carey to bail them out. However, if the Dance a Dix line doesn't show up soon (we're assuming with either Little Tits or Higgins in Big Tits' spot), I'll start to worry. Offensively Pleks still haven't shown up, and on the backend too often Rhino makes things interesting when they shouldn't. DOOM also seems just a little off his game as well. The longer Breezer goes with out a bone-head play that costs us a goal, the closer he is to his next one.

Next somewhat evil foe, we supppose - the Florida Tabby-Cats visit on Monday. Look for HF29's Game Preview tomorrow.

Where am I?

Move along Sergei, nothing to see here.

Maybe we'll be along with a full game review at some point, but for now just wanted to give you a place to discuss Big Tits and a forearm of Kurt Sauer to the face. Into the boards. Not to worry, though, refs said it was a clean hit. And if the refs say it, it's sure to be true.

Lap dance to anonymous in the thread last night for catching Kurt Sauer's Wikipedia entry, already changed to reflect the incident. God bless the intertubes.

UPDATE - the line about the incident is gone from the Wikipedia entry. Lap dance to Doogie2K for getting the screen cap (check the comments for link).

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Helloooo Mrs. Gretzky (oh I guess and Wayne too) - Coyotes Game Preview and Open Thread

3-1 odds she regrets this photo now. The Mrs. still looks good today, but now we'll go with the younger Ms. Gretzky

Phoenix? I know nothing about Phoenix beyond their coach. Are they good? I would look it up, but it's meth day.

Waiting in line details - 7 PM start at the Phone Booth. Habs haven't lost in regulation this year. Does that count for anything if we can't play more than one period? Habs played the Yotes once last year, and won 4-2. Habs last lost to Phoenix in 1998. This is the last stop on Phoenix' 4-game road trip, coming off a loss last night in Ottawa. DOOM is playing his 300th NHL game.

Pay your cover charge to - True Coyote Love, another awesome HLOG'er. Here at FHF we measure a team's support by the number of regular bloggers. Phoenix? Uh, one. Barely. Her last post was 10 days ago.

Hot Sexy Habs to watch - Markov is our points leader. Thinks he's Bobby Orr or something. Saks and Gui! one point back.

Skanky Habs to watch - Anyone playing in whichever two periods we choose not to play tonight.

Hot sexy Yotes to watch - Olli Jokinen leads in points with 6.

Skanky Yotes to watch - How should I know? I barely even remember Phoenix has an NHL team.

It's getting crowded - Higgy is ready to go and will play with Gang Bang and Little Tits. Frankie B is also possibly good to go, and may take Breezer's spot. We can only dream. Who the hell knows who will play on the fourth line tonight.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - Gentleman's Choice. I've never been there, but I have a good story about it. One night I was out with the boys and we were headed to FHF favourite Club Downtown, which is two doors down from Gentleman's Choice. One of the boys (hey Goozo!) had to go to the ATM for some cash, so he says he'll meet us at Downtown. He never showed up. The next day we asked where the fuck he had gone, and he said no, where the fuck did you go? Of course he had gone to Gentleman's Choice by accident and obviously didn't see us. He stayed for a while said it was full of skanks. So I guess if you like skanks, you should go.

Let's hear your skanky thoughts in the comments

Friday, October 17, 2008

Montreal, Toronto, Empty Seats and Empty Shells: You Don't Have a Clue, So Please Shut Up About It

There are a lot of weak, weak writers out there. You expect that in the age of the interwebs because now any twit with a modem and a working knowledge of a language (like the average Bruins fan) can set himself up with a blog and write nonsense. The problem is compounded when the "mainstream media" features its own cabal of weak writers; put all the not-very goods in too close a proximity and you get all sorts of stupidity, made-up arguments, convenient twisting of facts, and (usually from us) some childish name-calling that leads to a very uncomfortable awkwardness at the Blueshirt Bulletin summer cotillion.

Wait, it gets longer.

Last year, one of the weakest of the weak mainstream media, (Howard Berger - no links because he don't deserve it) wrote an item about a (probably mythical) conversation he had with a Montreal cabbie. Said cabbie claimed Torontonians were stupid for supporting the Leafs through thick and thin, and that if they all started to stay away from games like they did in Montreal when the team was struggling, Leafs management would be forced to improve the team. Leafs nation went batshit. Over at the CoxBloc (an excellent site that keeps a very critical eye on the weaker links of the mainstream, with a special emphasis on the above mentioned Berger, as well as the Star's Damien Cox and the Sun's Steve Simmons, among others) they wrote a reply. The reply is well thought out. The comments section is where things get a little iffy, as Toronto fans bend over backwards trying to prove a) that Montrealers didn't voice their opinion on the state of the Habs by staying away from games and b) the same strategy would never, ever work in Toronto. Why is this an issue? Because, based on absolutely nothing, Pension Plan Puppets has dragged this argument back into the light, and the same stupid, misinformed, mind-numbingly wrong facts are being thrown out there again.

Damien Cox wrote this piece. Read it. Read it again. Tell me where he even mentions the "stay away until management gets the hint" argument. He doesn't. He does say this:

"5,000 to 6,000 seats were unsold most nights and the team was in the midst of missing the playoffs four times in five years."

Now, from that line, PPP seems to glean that Cox is advocating staying away until Leafs management gets the message and builds a winner. Wait, what? Let's see ... nope, just read the Cox article again. Doesn't seem to be the gist of the piece at all. Nevertheless, PPP uses that as the jumping off point for a rehashing of the misguided arguments and misconstrued facts he and other Leaf bloggers have to prove that a) no fan revolt ever happened, and b) if there was any fan revolt, it certainly wasn't noticed by Montreal management and had no bearing on management's willingness to change things to get better.

Now, the house of cards basis of proof PPP and the rest of the Barilkosphere (their awesome word, not mine) use to prove that Habs fans didn't vote with their wallets is based on a comparison of average attendance figures and percentage of capacity totals from 1993 to 2007. On first glance, these totals might seem to support the theory, as the Habs average attendance figures are higher than those of the Leafs each year. Now, this conveniently neglects one very important fact. As I wrote in the comments section of the CoxBloc article:

"citing "average attendance" figures to show more Montrealers were showing up versus Torontonians is a little misleading since the Forum had 17,959 seats to MLG's 16,307 and the Bell Centre fits 21,273 to the ACC's 18,819. Going back to 1993-94 on PPP's chart, Toronto's percentage of capacity is higher almost every year, even factoring in the curiosity factor a new building would bring to Montreal's totals."

(Kind of a convenient piece of info to ignore, since it pretty well ruins your argument. Lawyers do that and get disbarred. Bloggers do it and get lauded by anyone who doesn't actually pay attention.)

While PPP and his brethren might claim that 97.5 or 94% capacity doesn't sound like Montreal turned its back on the Habs, but that still translates into over a thousand empty seats each night in a hockey-mad city. It also doesn't tell the story on the streets of Montreal: I lived there from 1997 to 2001, and I remember the Habs being raked over the coals every day. I remember a brand-new arena with hundreds of seats for $15.00 that wasn't selling out. I remember fans booing the Habs off the ice on a regular basis. Maybe to PPP, 1000 empty seats a night doesn't sound like much, but in hockey-crazed places it should never happen. You can bet George Gillett and Pierre Boivin noticed. Was it a full-scale revolt? Were the Habs playing to Atlanta sized crowds? No, but in 2000 I was able to walk to the box office and purchase 4 tickets for Mario Lemieux's first game back in Montreal in almost 4 years a week before it happened. That wouldn't happen now. (Before PPP points out that the Habs were still in the top two for average attendance most of those years, I'll repeat: 21,273 seats. Bigger than any other rink in the league. Almost 1000 seats bigger than the next biggest, in fact. Oh, hey, that's the same amount of seats that were going empty every night!)

Now, PPP makes the point that the real turnaround for the Habs happened when Boivin and Gillett went and hired Bob Gainey, and he gets no argument here on that point. But one wonders, if the rink was packed to capacity every night despite the ineptitude of the front office, despite the putrid performance of team trotting out the Trent McCleary's and Karl Dykhuis' of the world, despite the lack of playoff births, let alone playoff successes, would the impetus to go out and get one of the best in the game have existed? It sure didn't when the Molson's had essentially given up and left Ronald Corey to his devices. It sure wasn't an issue for Harold Ballard to hold onto Floyd Smith or Gerry McNamara. It never seems to bother the owners of the Cubs in baseball or Detroit Lions in football (up until two weeks ago), but it sure seems to have been at least one catalyst for the change in Montreal. To shrug off the idea that 95% capacity is good enough in any of hockey's leading cities, and that 1000's of empty seats and a backseat to the Alouettes as the city's darlings was acceptable to George Gillett is disingenuous, naive, or just being blind to the fact that fans can sway opinion through their actions.

Would it work in Toronto? As PPP points out, the sheer amount of corporate dollars in Toronto and truly massive fanbase (yes, I can admit it ... the Leaf fanbase dwarfs EVERYONE else, and there is no sense denying it) suggests that it won't. That's not the crux of the issue here. The issue is a misinformed pointless retelling of a situation that you weren't in on the ground level for. "The Montreal Myth" isn't the version Pierre Boivin tells you ... it's the one the Leaf Nation tells itself.

Welcome, BGL!

We may not have settled on a nickname yet, but damn we sure love Big Georges Laraque. A mere seven seconds into his first shift he gets into a fight. I really enjoy the way NESN throws up the Tale of the Tape for a fight. Do they do that all the time? That's one advantage they have over RDS.

How to Avoid Drowning in Your Hockey Pool

We all need to have a discussion.

I know in my heart that since the season began two weeks ago, but really last week, we have all spent less time on internet porn and more time on our fantasy pools.

And we're all re-tooling our picks. It's 10 days in the season and we're all in a mad dash for last second changes and uber-bandwagoning. We're discovering guys we'd never heard of before (Adam Voros?!!!!???). We're waiting for hot starts to cool down, yes, you, Brandon Dubinsky.

We all know how out of whack the first couple of weeks can be in a NHL season as far as player stats are concerned. Guys like Chris Kontos look like they're going to win the Art Ross with 326 points only to finish the season with 12 goals 6 assists and a stint in the minors. The real top scorers are rarely at the top of the standings out of the starting gate. Things usually revert to a normal pace come November, when the early bloomers go back to the law of averages and the real blue chips reclaim their thrones from the seat warmers.

I promise you that a ranking list that is currently made up of:

  1. Koivu (the other one)

  2. Kariya (the real one)

  3. Semin (like spermatozoa)

  4. Dubinsky (Dubi, grrr!...)

  5. Voros (enjoy it while it lasts, kid)

will soon make way for your regular top point getters.

So don't drop your instinctive picks too soon for these early birds, as much as it pains you to keep them on the list of "available players" while they rack up the points. Even if Dubisnky has 50 goals by January, he'll cool off, you know he will. If Mikko hits the 100-point plateau in February and goes on tour with Mika,

...let it be, he'll come back to earth. Stick with your Ryan Garlock pick, you know it's bound to pay dividends.

So who are you struggling with so far? Who do you want to ditch? Who are you itching to roll-out the red carpet for?

The Morning Skate for Friday, October 17th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the biggest Leagues Championship Series comeback in 80 years...
Note the lack of rant about our boy Chips. It's Friday, we're in a good mood.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Yeah, ...Kyle?

Carbo: Ahem,...sorry Kyle, uh...Chips...?

Chips: Yeah coach?

Carbo: Um...can I see you for a second?

Chips: Sure, what's up?

Carbo: Just, uh, can you just wait for me in that room there? Just go in there and I'll be right with you.

Chips: Uh, yeah, ok sure.

Trap door.


Habs Stick to Game Plan, Play One Period

This is the top of Mount Everest, where the Habs' marketing team saw it fit to hang the Ring of Honor

Guy Carbonneau was heard delivering this sermon before the game in the Canadiens dressing room:

"Guys, it's about 60 minutes, it's about playing for 20 of those 60 minutes. It's about 3 periods. It's about skating for one of those 3 periods. Which one? I'll leave that up to you. I really don't care. You wanna play the second and kick back for the first and third, not a problem. You wanna play the third and take it easy in the first and second to think about the ceremonies? That's cool. I may do the same. No problemo."

End quote.

Bastards had me fooled. By the time this game was 20 minutes old, I was pretty convinced the Habs would trample over the Bruins for the rest of the game, running of the bulls style. They had the right idea in the first, jumping to an early 3-0 lead, obviously feeding off the emotion created by the nice introductory ceremony in this 100th season opener. But there was more time left on the clock and the players, it seems, had other ideas.

I guess the game mirrored the mood. The pre-game festivities were good. The new player intro, featuring today's players observing their historical counterparts to the tune of the Killers' All the Things That I've Done, will be a great ambiance setter all season long.

But the Preparation CH Ring of Honor was a total dud. This so-called ring is merely comprised of a row of posters that wrap around the building behind the very last row of the blues. Problems aplenty. First, we can't see the damn thing because the fans in their seats hide about 3/4 of every sign. I really don't care to see Sylvio Mantha's mug next to Robert Thibodeau, proud owner of tickets in section 436 row Z seat 15. If you want me to see Menthos Mantha, than let me see the guy.

Incidentally, the Ring of Fire is just way too high. Small cans of oxygen are given to fans who wish to visit it. Fans in the Reds have no chance whatsoever. Hey, nothing wrong with throwing the upper bowels a bone, I've had season tickets there for 3 years now, but let's make this thing something we can all enjoy, no?

Et finalement, the Guggenheim wondershleps who designed the Bell Centre decided on brown, a dark rich brown for the walls behing the blues. So naturally, when time came to decide on a design for this Ring of Honor, the Habs marketing gurus thought that brown on brown would give the desired effect. The result is a totally drowned out, bland, and dull Ring that does very little justice to the players it attempts to honor.

At least Buch Bouchard and Elmer Lach were there to drop the puck in a totally appropriate kick off to this centennial season. The team also handed out copies of Cocoon to every fan at the door.

Then came the player intros that felt contained and hasty. Home announcer, Michel Lacroix, gave the crowds very little time to voice their love to the players. Next, next, next. We don't want to be fined by the NHL, or rather, we want to make sure Larry Robinson doesn't come down to shake every hand in the arena. Also, word is the Habs didn't want to go head to head with Leno in the ratings.

It was an impressive start. But so was Joel Haley Osment's. The offence had lots of zip. The fans were loud and they believed. Geez, these guys are good. That's the sentiment that could be felt throughout the Bell Centre. That was the buzz. Everyone, every fan totally aboard.

Then the homeboys went to sleep, the Bruins made it a game and, amazingly, things got rather dull. A 19-8 shots advantage for Habs was followed by a 20-4 rout by the Bruins. Boston took the game away from the Canadiens for two periods. Carey Price stood very, very tall, but the Bruins found the holes. Then, it was revealed that a Mickey Mouse erection had dislodged a section of the boards the night before, and the game was suddenly tied.

Tanguay gave the crowd a reason to leave smiling and Maxim Lapierre played on about 240gr of Ritalin but, despite the 2 points, the job was left undone. It marked an end to a night that felt a bit out of step.


The Morning Skate for Thursday, October 16

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of going to the World Series...
We know we promised a TMS rant for the Ryder booing, but we seem to have been outvoted in the comments. Here's a rant: fuck you, economy. You suck.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The (fake) Tits are home at last - Bruins Game Preview and Open Thread

Well this is it. The 100th season starts in earnest this evening with the home opener. The ring of cock will be unveiled, and the ceremony will be grand. Then the Habs will suck for 2 periods, but pull out a win in the end. You heard it here first. That's gotta be the kiss of death.

Waiting in line details - 7:30 PM at the Phone Booth. Actual puck drup after the ring of honour ceremony expected to be around midnight. Habs have won 400 straight over the Broons in the regular season. This paragraph needs more hyberbole.

Pay your cover charge to - we are pleased to introduce you to the fine folks over at The Jumbotron, a new Bruins blog this year. They suck. Only for being Bruins fans. Otherwise we like them.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - Little Tits has 5 points to lead all Habs scorers. Lots of other players (Saks, Tangy, Markov, even Gui!) with 4 points each. Our goalies have gaudy early season stats, like .960 save percentages. Mad Max doesn't have a point yet, but fuck he's worked harder than anyone out there imho.

Skanky Habs to watch - anybody playing in the first or second period.

Do the lineup shuffle - Habs I/O reports that LaRack will play, taking Steve Bégin's spot. Higgy and Frankie B still out. Chips still fucked.

Hot sexy Bruins to watch - Patrice Bergeron looking good in his post-injury return. Milk Carton Mike has a goal and two helpers on his way to an 80-point season.

VIP room promise - if the fans boo Milk Carton Mike, TMS will rant tomorrow.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - opening night in Montreal means the return of the old stand-by, Club Downtown. They've added a new tag line this year - "It's not a sin to touch." If a website says it, it's gotta be true.

Let's hear your dirty dirty ring of cock thoughts in the comments.

A hot Russian chick with tits talks about something

Lap dance to Robert of Eyes on the Prize (oh Robert, where art thou?) who pointed us to the awesome video (via Greatest Hockey Legends) of Marina Orlova (star of the brilliantly hot and wordy Hot For Words site) explaining the origin of the term "hat trick." At leaast I think that's what she's talking about, I'm too blinded by cleavage.

UPDATE - thanks to GoHabsGo11 for pointing us to Eyes on the Prize's new URL. Whew, thank god he's OK.

The Game Day Skate for Wednesday, October 15th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of another goddamn minority government...
Excuse the brevity, there's no time to chit chat, Habs have their home opener tonight!! Wooo! Broons, mutherfuckas!!! Ring of Honour, bitches! We don't know what that means either. We haven't slept much.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Excuse Me? When? What? Hockey? What's Hockey?: Election Day Special Game Review: Habs 5 - Flyers 3

HF4: Mr. Dion, thank you so much for being here with us today.

SD: Thank you, HeychF4.

HF4: Mr. Dion, you said that the Canadiens had played a terrible first and second period last night in Philadelphia, and that the team had no rhythm, nor any tempo and could not find any breaches in the Flyers forecheck. You said they couldn’t muster any offense. Finally, you said Guy Carbonneau’s game plan was faulty and poorly adapted to the Flyers style of play.

SD: Yes, they were terrible. And for two periods coach Carbonneau had no vision for his team.

HF4: Mr. Dion, what would you have done differently in those first two periods, had you been the coach of the Montreal Canadiens?

SD: If I was the coach?

HF4: That’s right. If you were the coach of the Canadiens.

SD: When was I coach? Tonight? Now? If I’m the coach now, how can I change the first two periods? The game is over! Now I’m coach? What can I do?

HF4: No, if you were coach last night what would you have done differently?

SD: If I’m coach last night? Ben, when? At what time of the first period? Or when in the second period? Because if it's the second, then I can't change the first. It aready pass. So when?

HF4:No not during the game, before the game, what would you have done differently?

SD: Tree year ago, when the coach arrive? I would have changed many thing tree year ago. I would put Ribeiro in the first line. Maybe give Perezhogin more time on power play.

HF4: No, no. I want to know, what I’m asking is what would you have done differently last night?

SD: I don’t know what you mean! Last night, where at the hotel? Can we start over?

HF4: …. Sure, let’s start over.

HF4: Hello Mr. Dion, thank you so much for joining us on Four Habs Fans.

SD: On what?

HF4: Four Habs Fans, you know our blog, the blog on the Montreal Canadiens.

SD: I don’t understand your question.

HF4: I didn’t ask you a question, I was just thanking you for being here with us.

SD: Where?

HF4: Mr. Dion, you said the Canadiens played a bad first two periods last night.

SD: Oh they were terrible, I can’t believe they score in third, thanks god.

HF4: Mr. Dion what would you have done differently had you been the coach of the Canadiens last night?

SD: Why do you repeat the same question? I’m not deaf. I HEAR EVERY SINGLE SYLLABLE that comes out of your mouth perfectly!

HF4: Fine, then what would you do?

SD: I would put the plan quinquennal in place and would put more ketchup over there. Maybe touch up the paint. Eat those stamps. Build my team and implement these new borders.

HF4: Mr. Dion for two periods, the Canadiens couldn't find the net. Then in the third, they did. All I want to know is what you would have done differently, as coach of the Canadiens, to help the team find the net in those two periods.

SD: I personally believe that US Americans are unable to do so because some uh, people out there in our nation don't have maps, and I believe that our education, such as in Africa and the Iraq, everywhere like such as. And I believe that they should, our education such as over here in the US should help the US, or should help South Africa and should help Iraq and the Asian countries so we will help to build up our future, or.

HF4: Mr. Dion would you like some water? Somebody get him some water. Mr. Dion, did you watch the game last night?

SD: Canadien?

HF4: Yes.

SD: They play so bad for two periods, no?

HF4: Mr. Dion, what you would have changed in those first two periods if you were the coach last night.

SD: I can fly coach last night, maybe I would just change the movie. Maybe show Madame Congeniality Deux, or something good like that.

HF4: No. No sir, that’s not what I’m asking you.

SD: Then what are you asking?

Advisor to Stéphane Dion, Stéphane Richer: He’s asking you a very simple question. He wants to know what you would have done differently in the first two periods had you been coaching the Canadiens last night. The first two periods of the second period.

SD: Now that’s a question! Why didn’t you ask me like that? Can we start over?

HF4: …. Fine, let’s start it over. Thanks, Mr. Dion, thanks for being here.


HF4: Mr. Dion I want to begin by asking you a question.

SD: Can we start over?

Canada, at least she's not on the ballot:

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, October 14th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of fair and orderly elections. Vote early, vote often...
  • Habs win! Beat Philly 5-3 in a game they played one solid period. Come home after taking 5 of 6 points on the road to start the season, we'll take it. More later today;
  • In case you hadn't heard, Rangers' prospect Alexei Cherepanov died of heart attack during a game yesterday. 19 years old. Just tragic, no more jokes.

Monday, October 13, 2008

Wake up! Season's started. Philly Game preview and Open Thread

Someone needs to tell this lovely lady that there's $10 to be made out there. And that the season's started. Though after Saturday night's friendly trouncing of the Leafs, no one really has to tell the Habs. Took 'em a game, but the alarm went off. Let's hope they don't hit snooze, 'cause we're playing a real team tonight. Habs are undefeated against the Flyers in the last 7 regular season games. Playoffs, what? I, uh, don't remember anything.

Waiting in line details - 7 PM start, Wachovia center, sight of the Sarah Palin booing Saturday night. Her hair looked fabulous, but that off-white short jacket was not flattering. Since she won't talk about issues, I won't either.

Pay your cover charge to - our old friends Nadine of Flyers.Femme and Kristin of eager to go psycho. How was the off-season ladies? We missed you! See you in the playoffs again god forbid?

Hot sexy Habs to watch - Tangy, Little Tits, Koivu and Jaro's goalposts all had fine games against the Laffs. The PP woke up. Even Gui! is in the NHL Top 20 in scoring. It's an early-season statistical aberration no doubt.

Skanky Habs to watch - Not too many after Saturday. It's early, I'm sure this space will fill up soon.

Not dancing due to too many vodka Red Bulls - the by-now usual suspects, Higgins, Frankie B and Big Georges.

Not dancing for no explicable reason - our boy Chips. Pretty please can he come out and play?

Flyers to watch - it's thanksgiving, I'm too lazy to research today. Nadine and Kristin can clue us in.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - I'm not too lazy to research strip clubs, and thus recommend Day Dreams (uh, warning? NSFW-ish and sound auto-play) because they GIVE YOU FREE BEER. That's my kind of business policy. And sleeping beauty above is on their website, so I'm sure it's a party place.

Dirty thoughts? You know where they go.

The Game Day Skate for Monday, October 13th - Giving some thanks

Hey ho all you crazy kids out there. TMS popping in for a few minutes on this glorious Thanksgiving Monday (glorious cause we're not working) to give you some updates. There are no updates. Who gives a fuck? Enjoy your day off, end it with us tonight watching the Habs play in Philly. Here are some things TMS is thankful for, in handy bullet point form:
  • Meth;
  • Tangy's 4-point night, immediately shutting me up;
  • A seemingly awesome goaltending duo;
  • Jim Hughson doing CBC Habs games instead of the old guy;
  • The hard-working single mothers and students toiling away in Montreal's adult entertainment establishments;
  • Little Tits. OK, Big Tits too;
  • The big beer cans they are now selling in the Bell Centre;
  • HF4, HF10, and Panger. You guys rule;
  • Our seven faithful readers. You guys make it all worth it.
What are you thankful for? Our American readers may wait until the third Thursday in November to answer.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

I Want to be Traded to Great Teem Leafs

I so tired. What game Toronto play to me. So hard. I swet in my toes and anus. Coach Carbonner make me pley game becase stupide Cari Price pley like exploding wale that has GPS inside hole to blow but GPS not turn on so wale swimming in circles. Stoopide Fat Cari wale make only 4 saves in game against fentestic strong Buffalo teem and then in shootout Buffalo player make goal twice time on same move with Cari the wale. Oh Cari, you so wale, it's like if you watch sad movie and beautiful man die at the end and you cry like girl, then you rewind the end of the movie and beautiful man die and you cry again. Stoopide wale Cari you never lern.

Toronto so good teem, they ween Stenley Cap this year. Everybady pley hard not like poussy Mentreal teem. No Coach! I don't pley My neils are drying. No coach I have new Beverly 29080 on PVR I want to watch! This is wat Kepten supose to say? He do 2 shifts then look at computer in undress room to see wat he call his wall street. Wat is that? OK OK Saku, when you finish I look at my celing street, and Fat Cari look at his basement street.

Toronto pley like five guys who love play together. If I pley on Toronto teem I play hard with my teem, I would dance with my teem and sing with my teem. I just want to dance. Stupide refereee make game so difficult for Toronto teem and always give power pley to Mantreal and Mantreal always score becase so easy to make score when you have more people on ice then other teeem. Oh good for you Meantreal! You win wimbledon final becase you play alone and nobody in other side of net! So Mentreal make 3 alone Wimbledon goals and put champagne everywhere in room becase they win Toronto. So sad.

Stupide reffereee dont know what penalty is and give so much to Toronto. I look at referreee and no understand why he give himself a name to explain he separate from wife. Divorcesky. This is so private! Why tell all arena and world that watch on tv! Ok, so now that my beautiful blond girlfriend ask police to put me in preeson if I call her again, now I change my name to Trialseparationsky. Stupide refffereeee. Ok beck to game.

Toronto prabably most best city in world. They have greet teem. Last night they hit hard and make Portugeese rice poooding with Cenedien team. After game, every Mantreal pleyer went to hospital because Toronto teem pley so hard. I stay with Toronto teem and celebrete great game and Mantreal embarasment. How can yoou be so embarasss teem for 100 years! Shame you Meantreal for not closing teem after 6 years when you know you so embarasss! But no, you stay open 94 more yeers! For wat! To be embarasss so much and meke Toronto loook like real chempion?

Mantreal not win if Jaro not pley and even when win, other teem still fentestic and Cari still wale who cry at movie. This why my best friend Mikel Grabvovoski go to Toronto. For new life. New women. New sex disease. New accident pregnancy. The best life. Now Grabskisiy call me and say how happy he is and that he pley on teem top line! Mentreal too good for Grabsbbisy, not let pley but he can go to top line in Toronto. Yes Mister Gainey, one plus one equals two, yes continue thinking this.

I go now. I know coch Carbonner want me to play all games now becase Cari pley like centipede with only 6 legs. I know coch want me to bring Cap to Mentreal. But I cant. Becase GM will make me happy and trade me to reeal teem Toronto or ask me to pley in Hemilton again where competition is stronger and pleyers can get drunk during game and drive teem bus after.

I want to be a Leaf of Mapel. Or a bus driver. Or see my love, Restrainingordersky, again.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Habs vs Leafs Preview and Open Thread: Last Minute Edition

Thanksgiving weekend means family commitments and a 3 hour drive to the Chuck (that's Edmonton for non-Albertans), meaning last-minute game previews. Enjoy.
  • TV: HNIC and RDS; ironically only one of those will be playing the HNIC Theme, and it won't be HNIC.
  • Jaro gets the start for the Habs; Toskala starts for Leafs.
  • Jaro seeys he weel ween twonite cause he batter then facking Ceerey Price.
  • Leafs coming off big win in Detroit while the Habs lost in a shootout to Sabres
  • If Habs lose, they'll be riots in the streets in Mtl - and they'll be planning a parade in T.O.
Dirty thoughts in comments, yada yada ...

It's Gonna Be a Long Fucking Season - Sabres 2, Habs 1 (SO)

1 down, 81 to go. Some good, some bad last night. It's gonna go on like this for the next 6 months we think. Settle in, grab your calendars and look forward to the spring (we hope).

Plan the parade - TFS(tm) was fantastic. Probably the only player in mid-season form. Oh, sure he got beat by the same move TWICE in the shootout, but he held us in there all night. Gang Bang Lang was our best skater by far. Besides showing a goal-scorer's touch on the Habs only goal, he seemed to be all over the ice. Gui!'s skating lessons seemed to have paid off.

The sky is falling - Whether it was nerves, not enough time playing together, or the crappy ice surface every player mentioned during the post-game interviews even though they "wouldn't use it as an excuse", the Habs seemed just, off. Passes missed, no real flow, no lines working well together. Not the best hockey. It picked up a bit in the second half, but still not great. DOOM made a huge gaffe that led to the Sabres' goal. Markov didn't look to hot on it either. Tangy didn't show much. The PP is in trouble. While Gui! skated well, he still can't bury a chance and took a stupid 3rd period penalty, wiping out what could have been the game winning goal. Rhino looked lost. Breezer should get lost.

Chez Parée bound? Price and Gang Bang get in immediately. Everyone else sort of standing around waiting to see if they get in.

In the VIP room - we're gonna do something different for a change and not give an opinion. It's only Game 1. Let's wait for one more before we jump to any conclusions.

Next evil, evil foe - the red hot Tronna Maple Leaves.

Friday, October 10, 2008

The Tits are back. Ladies and Gentlemen, on stage for your dancing pleasure, the Buffalo Sabres - Game Preview and Open Thread

No need for opening bullshit (scroll down for more season preview stuff), so let's dive in.

Waiting in line details - 7:30 PM start, at whatever the hell the Buffalo arena is not named the Aud. On RDS of course, though the RDS crew won't be quite the same as last year. Both teams are 0-0 to start the season. Habs were 4-3-1 against Buffalo last year.

Pay your cover charge to - Die by the Blade doesn't pull punches and gives good analysis. Ooh, good analysis. Someday we'll have that around here.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - Uh, all of them? We can be optimistic for game one. Kovy and Big Tits looked really solid in the pre-season, as did DOOM. The all-new svelte TFS(tm) looked ready to go.

Skanky Habs to watch - with injuries, Koivu-Tangy-Higgy never really had a chance to get going in the pre-season. We'll put Breezer here for now, just to pile on. And how about Milk Carton Mike for old time sake?

Not dancing due to too many vodka Red Bulls - Higgy, LaRock / LaCock / LaWreck / Tabernaque (all good suggestions, thx everyone), and Frankie B won't be dancing. Let's hope this is not a sign of things to come.

Hot sexy Sabres to watch - how the fuck should I know? This team will probably live and die by Ryan Miller. Derek Roy had a career high 32 goals and Jason Pominville had 80 points last season.

Skanky Sabres to watch - again, how the fuck should I know?

Let's do some lines - with Higgy out, there are ripples down the whole line-up. Danse à 10 is intact, but then Gui! takes a spot with Koivu and Tangy, GBL will centre Little Tits and Greek Lightning (?!), and Mad Max - Bégin - El Dandy are the 4th line. Chips is fucked over already.

Captain Crunch - mmmm, Cap'n Crunch. Boy I loved when Ally Sheedy made a Cap'n Crunch sandwich in The Breakfast Club (1:30 mark). Claire vs. Allison - discuss. Where was I? Oh, right, captains. Did you know that Saku Koivu is starting his tenth year with the "C"? Wow, I'm getting old. Had there not been a lockout, he would tie Jean Béliveau for the longest tenure as a Habs captain ever. Facing off with Saks will be his old buddy Craig Rivet, he of the zero games played with the team he's captain of.

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - check out 24Kt Gold. Voted New York State's #1 party gentlemen's club by Exotic Dancer Magazine!

Ok kids, the 100th Anniversary crap begins in earnest right now. Let's hear your dirty dirty thoughts in the comments. God I've missed that phrase.