Chicken is Back on the Menu/That's Hot: Habs 3 Sens A Big Fat Zero

Mmmmmm. Tastes like CHicken - and fits in your purse!

So like, hi, and everything? As you know, I'm Ms. Paris Hilton? That's Hot. I was asked to the game last night by Mr. Panger? He's, like, Not, but that's okay cause he kinda-sorta knows about hockey. And I really like hockey, you know? Well, like, really hockey players? And ever since you-know-who, I really like Montreal hockey players? So I'm gonna tell you who's, like, Hot on the Canadiens? And, you know, cause Panger wants to feel involved and everything, I'm going to write some stuff he said, to. (He, like, ALWAYS needs it to be about him, you know?) So here's what I think:

CHicken is Hot. He hasn't scored in, like, forever - but I totally forgive him now, you know? 'Cause he, like, totally gave it to me last night...you know, with that goal in that, like, hockey game...??

Panger says what's even hotter is that we seem to have identified CHicken's upside: a third liner who can also play the powerplay. Kind of like a homeless person's Tomas Holmstrom. Time to accept that we lost the Gui! trade, it seems.

Carey Price is Hot. Well, like, duh, I've been telling people that for, like, forever? And now that he's got that Halak out of the way, Carey is playing, like, really great. (But I have to admit, Jaro had really nice eyes. I just couldn't stand him always talking about his iTunas. He had nicer eyes than Jose, even. Oops, the like, lawyers told me I couldn't talk about him, you know?)

Panger says what's even hotter is the player Lars Eller is going to be plus TFS(tm) for hopefully a lot of years. And with all the best to Jaro, I'm glad the Habs didn't lock into a 4-year deal with that kind of cap hit based on a half season and one magical playoff run. Plus maybe Ian Schultz can punch Chris Neil nice and hard in a few years - if Neil's brain hasn't completely disintegrated by then.

Big Tits is Hot. I know, for obvious reasons, right? Haha. But like, another two goals? And that second goal was like, almost as hot as me, you know?

Pangers says what's even hotter is that, okay now I don't want to jinx him. He got the 'Panger Push'* last week and I won't overdo it. Go Big Tits!

 (*Like the "Colbert Bump" - but obviously shorter, balder, less clever or slightly less rich - and somehow, more gay.)

Josh Georges is Hot. Like, who knew a little Toby-Maguire looking kid from a place called Kelowna - seriously - could be so freakin' hot? I think that's in Europe because I think my Daddy owns a house there. I love European guys.

Panger says what's even hotter is that we know where Hamr's cap money is going next year. If Captain Craig Rivet is worth 3.5 Mill and turnover-machine Traitor Mike Komisarek is worth 4.5, what is Georges going to get? Especially now that in addition to being a member of the shut-down pair and a mainstay on the penalty-kill, he's looking pretty decent on the second PP wave. Now if he can manage to avoid getting smoked every game...speaking of which, Chris Neil is single-handedly making a mockery of the NHL's head-shot elimination initiative. And that was just on one shift. Fuck I hate that guy (since he's on another team.)

And as a super-bonus, I'm gonna, like, tell you know who's not hot on the Senators? Alexei Kovalev. Even I won't sleep with him right now. Cold hands - and so selfish.

Panger says what's even hotter is hahahahahahaha. And Gionta's our captain now. Hahahahahaha.

Comments, like, anyone? You know, right?

DREAMS OF JARO: Devils 2 - Habs 1 (O.T.)

Helo Mentreal! It's me, Jaro! For so too long now I heer in pepers that we gat big prablems in Candediens teem. Two golies who want pley mach hackey but only one net on ice! Crazy nhl! Why put one golie on bench if teem no get points when shoot to bench!

I so sad Mentreal. Jaro so sad. I pley and pley and I put no gols to behind me in my net and Mentreal teem that pley so bad and give me 97 shots to every game win always and always the time. But fans no love Jaro. Teem no love Jaro.

Jaro wait and wait and wait for love, but nobady love Jaro. Noo Jersi so gret teem with Martoun Bradore in nets. He prabably ween stanley cap one day. They sey I pley him in Vancuver in Toothpiclympics. I kent wait!!! Brader!!! Only I ween stanley cup in Vancuver!!!!

Noo Jersi pley so good with coch Jack Lemayor. He mayor of Noo Jersi you know? But he speek french so they call him LeMayor. Ok! Ok! Jack I also mayor of Slovakia, so you call me Lejaro. Jersi so gret teem they pley trap hackey but game so open with gret chances and mayor of Paris Parisé score too meny gol on me to my net!

Now I lose game and peeple sey oh fat Cari have to but whatle ass in my net to pley next game because Jaro no beet Lemayor hackey. And Jaro so sad. And he hear rumors about asking to go away and leave Mentreal to to other gret teem. It's nat truue.

I never ask to trade. Never. I asked Bob Ganee if I could leeve teem and accoomplish my dreeem. So many time I sey to me, I want to eat good taste tuna sandwich and I have to tuna in house! Then coch Martoun call practice and I practice like great golie all day and i go home and i sey to me "Oh no! I forget to buy my tuna for make my tuna sandwich! And I so hangry for tuna!

What if I could be my tuna ontheline, on the internet? What if i could rate my tuna and sey "Oh this was the best tuna or no, yash this was not good tuna!" Or what if a geniuous could tell me "Hey Jaro! If you like this tuna we think you will mach like this other fish!"

My dreem is to leave Mentreal and leave hackey and to create for the world iTunas:

I create my campany called Fish and we make iTunas where you can always have tuna even when hackey coch call you for to parctice and you forget to go to supermarcket to buy good tuna. Now you can buy tuna on iTuna store and we send it to you in tuna truck in one hour! Can you beleeeve???

You can put itunas on your typewriter and down to load iTunas and create lists of favorite moments of tuna! You can make tuna ringtones made with different sounds tunas make! my friends did this and listen what they say!

- Jaro: Hey Bill did you down to load tuna ringtone?

- Bill: Uh, yeah Jaro, I put the tuna ringtone and I missed all my calls because I could never hear the phone ring.

- Jaro: Fentestic!!!

Be like my friend Bill and get tuna ringtone. Soon I dreem to make the perfect phone for peeple to buy tuna from telefone! When my iCod comes out people can buy tuna on iTunas directly to from music pleyer!!! Every week I talk about fish in my video that i put in the Codcasts on iTunas and peeple will will mach love this videos! I will talk about gret tuna in Slovakia that my mather made to me everyday, every single day. I ask my mather for hambourger and she sey No Jaro, tuna.

You can buy so mach tuna on iTunas. Tuna from anywere in worl! Rio tuna, Pastene Tuna, 4 leef of Clover tuna, Leef of Mapel Tuna. Ha! Taranto so gret teem they like me Jaro! They pley hackey and they also sell tuna! And maybe if I am so rich I make JaroMayo for to go with my iTunas! If you have prablems with itunas that send you meny mails I give you fishware to make tuna stop. Its promise from me Jaro!

I no want pley hackey anymore. I no want be call names by Fat Cari Wale. I kill wales in my tuna net! I want to sell tuna! I want to dance.