Oh Big Tits, It's Nice to See you Again. Habs 4, Sens 3

We're lucky to have such a talented artist as GG11 here at FHF. Sometimes I can't believe she puts up with our adolescent requests. Like: "The boobs need to be bigger!!!"

Oh Habs, you had me going there for a while. What with losing the last 8 of 9 to those pesky Senators, including 5 of 6 just last year.  And having apparently played a "perfect game" the night before (although calling any non-shutout game 'perfect' is an insult to the entire goaltenders' union), you had an excuse for a let down. I admit it, after Mic-A-lick walked around the-Jaro-everyone-now-wishes-Goat-had-traded-in-the-offseason, I thought that was it. It just seemed that despite the lopsided shot count, everything the Sens threw at the net seemed to find a way to hit the twine - and that is in no way a reflection of TFS(TM)'s play, who was solid when he needed to be, yet again.

Even after the fluke Halpern goal that started the comeback, I pointed out to Mrs. Panger that 2 of the last 4 goals scored were actually scored by the opponents. Um, not good.

And then Big Tits, who has been downright perky all season, decided to pull his second Ovie impression of the year off a beauty pass from Turtlepleks. And the whole team seemed to shake off the memories of having to visit Buffalo, and perked right up, too. Oh Big Tits, how we (I) missed you. You could have just sagged along without your Little brother, sulked in your silent-type of way, and generally left a gaping hole in the Canadiens top 6. But instead, it seems like you figured out how to work the toolbox, cause it's clear you always had the tools. (For you Leafs fans, what I mean is that it was all in his head.) 

I can't believe I'm going to say this, but Yannick Bouchard (who looks really comfortable next to the bench - as opposed to on the ice; guess he's used to it) was absolutely right: instead of playing on the periphery like some kind of loosie-goosie pond hockey game (I wonder where you learned that from? **coughkovalevcough**), the Large Breasted One has been driving to the net hard, with and without the puck. To McSplooge what I'm saying: his compete level is high, he's engaged and, at times, Bit Tits has been Monster Tits. And lookie lookie, he's got a nice pair (of goals) in 5 games. Just hope he's really, truly figured out what it takes, and he's not just flashing us again - 'cause he really does have a very nice rack of talent.

[As an even greater aside, can someone please point me in the direction of the "FIRE MARIO TREMBLAY" website/facebook page/congregation of disgruntled postal workers? Please? Fucking fool. I still hate that boob. I keep dreaming about Alain Crete punching him righ in his stupid head, right out of nowhere.]

By no means does that mean I'm satisfied. Hamr, the-Jaro-everyone-now-wishes-Goat-had-traded-in-the-offseason, and - gasp - even Subbanator need to stop letting pucks skip off their sticks in the defensive zone, whether or not when they're under any particular forechecking pressure. Gio scored a goal, but the so-called "First Line" needs to start scoring like one. Squid needs to score against someone not wearing antarctic water fowl on his jersey. CHicken needs a goal to bounce in off his ass or something. So does Lars - but then again, look who's feeding him the puck, and he has had created some nice scoring chances to go with his Danish turnovers.

But the Double G's, Josh Georges and Hal Gill, look like they've picked up where they left off in the playoffs, and Georges even looks like he's figured out where they keep the other net used in most hockey games. Captain Picard even looked pretty good last night. TurtlePleks is actually more than earning that contract so far. Halpern, Boyd and the other roster filler has been solid. And one loss in 5 games is pretty darn good, anytime.

But you don't win without scoring goals, so again I say: Bit Tits, it's nice to see you again. I can honestly say I can never get enough of what you've got to show us.

Like run-on sentences and boobs as much as I do? Tell us about it in the comments.

It's Hockey Day in Canada you hosers - Sens preview and open thread

Oh Canada, how we love you. You give us people like Clara Hughes, the greatest flag bearer ever. You give us the CBC, which gave us Hockey Day in Canada. Which we FUCKING HATE. Total cash crab. 12 straight hours of Ron MacLean. And this year it's from Stratford, Ont. Because when you think of Stratford, the first thing that comes to mind is hockey. And it's not even Hockey Day in Canada anymore. Officially, it's now Tim Hortons Hockey Day in Canada. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy scarfing down a ten pack of Timbits as much as the next guy, but if that ain't proof this day is about money, I don't know what is. Don Cherry says it's all about the kids. Yeah, whatever. Why don't you let the kids play in peace on the pond instead of shoving their faces on national TV?

But that won't stop us celebrating all that's great about Canada, eh? So grab an Elsinore Beer, stick a very small mouse in the empty and let's do this thing.

Waiting in line with all the other office workers for your double double and Timatin Details - 2 PM start in lovely downtown Kanata. On CBC, obvs. Habs riding a two-game losing streak of Florida crap. Sens riding an eight game winning streak, and looking like the early 2007 season Sens. Jinx! Yeah right. Sens are 3-1 in the season series so far.

Our favourite R.O.C. hoser - SLC said of today's game: "Trap game against a fast fading Habs team coming up tomorrow at the Bank. Ye be warned." Well, he got the fast fading part right.

Hot like the most desirable woman in the world, Montrealer Emmanuelle Chriqui - For the Habs, we have, uh, hmm, mmm, yeah. Jaro maybe? For the Sens, they obviously have benefitted from the return of Alfie and Spezz from injuries. But the Streak started before they were back. And really, they've been getting balanced scoring (even Kovy? Even Kovy. 8 points during the Streak). And really really, they've been doing it with goaltending. Goaltending! The Ottawa Senators! Can you fucking believe that? Brian Elliot is 2-0-0, 0.50, .982 in his last 2.

Cold like, well, like the weather today. Fucking windchill. - Well, until the suck-o-meter gets back below 9 BR's, why don't we just put the whole Habs squad here. For the Sens, I doubt anyone can be cold considering the Streak, though SLC insists Filip Kuba continues to suck a bag of dicks.

Benefiting from universal health care - Jaro 2.0 mysteriously injured his upper body while being out with the flu. That's an impressive feat. Mara is still out as well. Habs have called up Swiss Mister II to bolster the blue line. Big Tits may be dead. Sens pretty healthy. Pascal Leclaire is out, but they don't seem to be missing him.

Post-game adult entertainment - Canadian Hotties of course (NSFW00t!)

And here's a little post-adult entertainment entertainment. Oh Canada, you rock. Er, rap.

Habs Lose to Sens - Oh Wait, This is A Preview: Habs about to lose to Sens

Which No. 27 would you pick? Yeah, me too.*

Waiting in line details - 7pm start at the new Forum. RDS and CBC in Quebec and the Ottawa area. (Which means HF10 is stuck watching Leafs and Rangers. Haha. Oh wait, me too. Fuck.) Sens 4-2 record mirrors Montreal's 2-4 debacle. Habs coming off another loss - this one at home just to shake things up - while the Sens enjoyed the trip to Montreal after destroying the Lightning 7-1. So they're due for a letdown, right? Right?

Pay your cover charge to - As always, we heart Five for Smiting. We enjoy a sexy party with Senators Lost Cojones any day. Perhaps tonight in the VIP room...

Hot sexy Habs to watch - TurtlePlek is the Habs' leading scorer. Big Tits has 3 points in three games and has looked Kovalev-ish at times (AT TIMES, people - I'm not saying he's L'Artiste or anything). Hottest thing about the Habs is definitely Carey Price's new mask. Most bad-ass Habs goalie mask ever - and a far cry from the pussy-looking ghosts on Huet's mask of a few years ago.

Skanky Habs to watch - As HF29 said last time: Everyone else? Anyone notice that Squid doesn't have a goal yet? Just asking.

Hot sexy Sens to watch - Milan Michalek made Sens fans forget Dany Heatley (ok, maybe they still hate him a little) with a hat trick. We should also mention former Habs pick and cast off Matt Carkner is apparently rocking the back end for Ottawa.

But most importantly, this is Alexei Kovalev's much-hyped return to Montreal after a 4-year run with the Canadiens. It's been beat to death everywhere else, so we'll just say we're not looking forward to his hat trick tonight - each goal via his signature top corner shot from the right faceoff circle. Damn, I used to love that play. That or he'll be invisible after the crowd's warm reception. Whatever, we're still a little sad to see him in a Sens uniform.

Skanky Sens to watch - They're coming off a 7-1 win, so not a whole lot. Chris Campoli has no points yet, which, for a supposedly offensive defenceman, probably isn't very good. I wonder when he'll blame Coach Clousten and ask for a trade to Anaheim?

Not Appearing on the main stage tonight - No lineup changes annonced for the Habs yet (TFS (tm) starts in goal again) which means Max Pac's injury isn't bad enough to keep him out of the lineup. Shawn Belle goes again after a pretty solid outing against the Avs. Sens are pretty healthy, with only Filip Kuba definitely out tonight.

In the VIP Room - Habs suck right now. Let's not sugar coat this. Yeah, they got some bad bounces against the Avs, but they didn't bury their chances when they had the opportunity and let the Avs back into the game. Not blaming My Boy Carey, but it'd be nice if he could steal one tonight, if need be. Sens, meanwhile, are in for a letdown after such a big win. Right? Right? (I figure repeating it enough will make it true.)

Post-game adult entertainment establishment - We're picking Cafe Cleopatra for this one (NSFW, duh). Win, and the boys get a pervert's row view from the ground floor. Lose, and it's up to the 2nd floor for all of them. SLC is picking up our bar tab either way - cause he stole our Kovy.

*As always, photoshopping courtesy of GG11. Please note the Linesbabe. Thank you GG11, I can now hope Linesbabe shows up to ref one of my rec hockey games. So what if I end up giving up 15 goals - as long as I get to ogle her. Let's hear your dirty thought in the comments.

Kovy jogs down the 417

Peace right back at ya, Kovy. Alex Kovalev, Ottawa Senator.

May your enigmatic ways frustrate SLC for years to come.

Sens Dump Coach Hartsburg - Anthropomorphic large feline considered for top job

The Sens have fired Craig Hartsburg. No real news yet on a successor, but there is a news conference scheduled for 11 AM.

Which Northeast coach will be next? I have a suggestion or two.

Road to First Place Just Got Rockier

Fuck! Senators finally wake up, listen to Senators Lost Cojones, and fire John Paddock. Bryan Murray will go back behind the bench where he belongs.

C'mon, a couple of embarassing shutouts and you give up? Paddock was gold, Jerry, gold!

Gotta Make'Em Go to Rehab but Habs Say No, No, No - Sens Gazillions, Habs 1

From Parliament Hill in the nation's capital, The Habs commemorated the 20th anniversary of the Supreme Court's decision to strike down Canada's Abortion Law by aborting their own game against the Sens after the first four minutes of play.

Nice.

So since I much prefer to discuss the 5oth anniversary of the Grammys rather than abortion or hockey related matters, allow me to fuse last night's celebration of music with Saturday night's ode to terrible hockey. The Hockey Grammys are upon us.

Record Of The Year

Irreplaceable: Daniel Alfredsson, producers: Daniel Heatley, Jason Spezza and Mr. Alfredsson impregnating a Mrs. Alfredsson with some special hockey semen.

The Pretender: Christopher Higgins producer; Christopher Higgins circa 2006-2007, Saku Koivu, Michael Ryder. Higgy - Good name for a rapper. Try that rather than hitting more posts than..um....a guy who hits a lot of posts. BOOYA!

Umbrella: Senators First Line, for peeing all over the Habs' parade. They are the best in the league. No offence to the big Tampa Line and coach Tortorella, ella, ella....

What Goes Around…Comes Around: The Ottawa Senators, thanks for beating us by a pussy goal on Tuesday, Montreal, now we're going to defecate in you ears. Mike Komisarek for making sweet sweet love to Elisha Cuthbert. Sean Avery for ditching Elisha faster than the writers on 24.

Rehab: Michael Ryder, producer; Midget AAA coach, Bantam coach, First grade teacher, a good priest, a rabbi who will work with a priest, an imam who does not fear assasination, a midget who's good with miracles.

Album Of The Year

Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace: A day in the life of Andrei Markov. Make that a noisy day.

These Days: Alexei Kovalev - For doing it all by himself of late. Kovalev is hockey's tribute to masturbation.

River: Cry me one, Patrice, because even if you played 10 minutes against the Sens, those are 10 minutes of my life I'll never get back.

Graduation: Ray Emery, grow up you infant. It's time. You watch your team in a full line up trounce a pretty good Canadiens squad, you need to wake up, smell the Hummer fumes and realize that you have a shot a history here. The NHL doesn't need a Mike Tyson. Neither did boxing.

Back To Black: John Paddock, after much juggling, for finally realizing what goaltender would give him the best shot at going all the way.

Song Of The Year

Before He Cheats: Cristobal Huet, How much more to the right did you intend on leaning, on the Senators second goal. I could hear Carbonneau from the bench watching in dismay and thinking, "to the left, to the left"...

Hey There Delilah: Wade Redden, What's it like in New York City? I won't go to San Jose, but maybe I'll accept a trade to the Big Apple.

Like A Star: Jason Spezza, 6 points. Making Montreal his love slave. I think all the Zs in his name may have put the Habs to sleep.

Best New Artist

Little Tits: For connecting with his big bro on Montreal's only tally of the game. But we all saw you sipping on some turtle soup taking a few puches to the face, Sergito. No good. Don Cherry was watching.

Big Tits: For combining with his little brother for the only Ray of Light on Saturday.