Tuesday, March 31, 2009

The Game Day Skate jumps right to the chase and gives you your Blackhawks Game Preview and Open Thread

If we're gonna stare at the same hot chick all day, she might as well be really hot

Good morning sunshine! Hope that Marisa Miller's tits didn't throw you off your breakfast. Or maybe they just made you put more milk in your cereal. Anyhoo, we're trying something new today. After the glory (for me) that was the no effort game preview came to an unglorious end when six Habs couldn't score in a shootout, today we try something else to shake things up. Sure, some stuff happened in the NHL yesterday (most notably the Rangers shutting out the Devils) but you only really care about one team anyway, right?

Anyone look at a schedule lately? The season ends NEXT FUCKING WEEKEND. There are only SEVEN FUCKING GAMES LEFT. Jebus. I thought there was still plenty of time to get things really going, but it's time to get serious, isn't it? No more dicking around, you Fucking Habs. I really don't feel like having to watch baseball in April. I hate fucking baseball. So please, let's win some games and make my life bearable. As no Game Day Skate is complete without some bullet points, let's use 'em to set up tonight's action:
  • 7:30 PM start at the phone Booth, and it's on TSN;
  • Habs did take 5 of 6 points last week, I guess that's something;
  • Before getting shutout by Roberto Luongo, the Hawks had won 3 in a row, and they are solidly battling for 4th in the West;
  • This is the teams' only meeting this season;
  • The Fifth Feather seems like a decent place;
  • Tangy (on a five-game points streak), Kovy, and Markov are your hot Habs. And Higgy seems to be reborn on the fourth line and the PK;
  • Martin Havlat has 9 points in his last 5 games. I'm sure I don't have to tell you to watch Jonathan Toews;
  • Oh ZombiePleks, why have you returned?
  • Habs look to get Big Tits back in the lineup, but it's still not set yet. I also don't know who's starting in nets. Who knew you can't get good game notes at 6 in the morning? This idea may have its flaws, I admit;
  • HueT will get the start after sitting for six straight. I don't like the sound of that. Will he be booed?
  • For your post-game adult entertainment, please enjoy this Marisa Miller swimsuit shoot video. Choice quote: "let's just get them wet and make them look beautiful on the beach."
Make your comments entertaining, we've got all day here...

Monday, March 30, 2009

Every single one of you is a stupid, ungrateful Fucking Moron.

Careful, Sheldon. Apparently you're next.

Yeah, I'm talking to you. All of you. Every single fucking idiotic person who was in attendance at the Bell Centre on Saturday night who decided, in your infinite wisdom, to boo Craig Rivet.

Craig Rivet!

You remember Rivet, right? Drafted by the Habs in 1992 after his first season with Kingston in the OHL. Went on to toil for the Baby Habs (then based in Fredericton) for parts of four seasons before finally sticking with the Big Club in 1997-98. Worked his ass off for twelve full years in the organization, and became a steady, reliable defender who would help out the offence on occasion, would stand up for his teammates, was good in the room (even wore the "A") and could step up to work the powerplay in a pinch. A loyal soldier, by all accounts a friendly, hardworking sort. Still referenced in almost every feature as our beloved Captain Koivu's best friend. Traded at the deadline a few years back for Josh Gorges and the pick that became Max Pacioretty because he was out of contract in the summer. If I recall, he was devastated at being shipped out.

What, for fucks sakes, tell me what in the preceding paragraph makes you fucking dolts want to boo Craig Rivet when he returns as a member of the Sabres? Fuck me, he didn't demand a trade. He didn't burn his Canadiens jersey on the dais at his introductory San Jose press conference, did he? Did he badmouth the organization in any way? Did he cause the Canadiens any embarrassment while he played for them? Did he use the morning skate Saturday to piss on the logo at centre ice? Did he spend the game throwing cheap shots and waving the finger at the red seats? For fucks sakes, you fucking people need to get a grip. Your team is trying to right itself from a train wreck of a slump, already fired the coach, spent most of the winter doing their best to derail a promising season with mobsters, sulking, atrocious goaltending, drug rumours and more, and in an important game against a team chasing Montreal for a playoff spot, you spent your energy booing a guy who served the team for a decade and got traded? Are we raining garbage down on the Cristowall next visit? Brickbats for Steve Begin? Catcalls for Sheldon Souray and Mark Streit? Hanging Mickey Ribs in effigy ... wait, bad example.

Look, I understand that you've got a right to cheer and boo to your little, dimwitted fucking heart's content. I even enjoy the abuse heaped on guys like Grabovski or Avery or Chara (although really, Milan Lucic should be the one on the receiving end for the Bruins.) But you booed a defensive defenceman on the fucking Sabres ... why? Because he used to play for Montreal and got traded? Players come and go ... do you fuckheads boo every former Hab? Because he took some liberties with our players? Rivet is a not-too-fast, not-too-offensively gifted stay-at-home defenceman. He makes his living shutting guys down and making them think twice about coming near his goalie or teammates. Unless there was a particularly egregious foul I missed, why are you booing a former loyal servant for doing his job? Christ, the Sabres have one of the biggest diving crybabies in the league in fucking Derek Roy, and you fuckers booed Craig Rivet? Get fucking bent, you bunch of fucking twits.

And enough with the fucking OLE chant, for fucks sakes!

The Morning Skate for Monday, March 30th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of / having nightmares of being Nickelback...
Please excuse the lack of posting yesterday. We were all in church.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

These no effort previews need more Tits - Sabres Preview and Open Thread

Some day the Tits bros will be feared. Some day they will streak down the ice in unison, ZombiePleks in tow, and put the fear of God into the defensemen staring at them. That would be a great addition to this team. Maybe it will be tonight? Who the fuck knows. I don't even know if Big Tits is playing. All I know is that the Fucking Habs are going for 3 in a row and the no effort lazy-ass preview streak is alive, bitches!

So the basics - 7 PM start at the Phone Booth. It's on CBC, though I'm guessing you Ontario viewers will get Leafs v. Bruins. Sabres have also won their last 2, and are even more desperate than us, 5 points behind after beating the Leafs last night and still hopeful. Katebits over at The Willful Caboose deserves your attention. The no-name #1 line and Jason Pominville are worth watching. Habs lineup should be the same, depending on Big Tits' sniffles. The Sabres got a boost from the return of Ryan Miller last night, and he'll play again tonight. Your post-game adult entertainment comes from moeman in the open thread Thursday night, so it took no effort from me. And no effort for you, because I'm embedding it right here:

I told you these previews needed more Tits.

I'm not putting in any effort to find a clever line for your comments

Friday, March 27, 2009

On the Other Hand ... Habs 3, Bolts 2 (in OT)

With apologies to Panger, who usually has a copyright on bi-polar posting:

Big win last night! Total statistical domination of a team only a few years removed from a Stanley Cup win. Whooo! Plan the parade, baby!

On the other hand: This ain't your father's Tampa Bay Lightning. They're fucking terrible. And 35 shots right into Kari Ramo's chest are just wasted energy, not some sort of 70's era throwback blitzkrieg.

Man, if it wasn't for Kari Ramo standing on his head, and for the fact that his posts were the size of Craig Ludwig's old shinpads, they would have won that game 7 or 8 zip.

On the other hand, making Kari Ramo look like a mid-90's St. Patrick is not a good sign. Blowing a two goal lead to a bottom feeder is worrisome. Going 1 for 8 on the powerplay sure won't keep the Bruins, Devils, Caps, or Flyers awake at night come playoff time. Needing a lucky bounce in OT to win against this Tampa team is embarrassing. That game should have been put to bed around the same time as Mini HF10.

Kept the shots under twenty. That's some solid defensive fundamentals that Bob has instilled. Defence wins championships!!

On the other hand, once you put the shackles on Lecavalier, St. Louis and (maybe) Stamkos, the Bolts aren't exactly the Red Wings. And it's easier to keep opposing chances down when you spend an inordinate amount of time on the powerplay. Congrats, you just won a boxing match against a guy with one hand tied behind his back, and it took you 15 rounds.

Gui! Gui! Gui! has totally turned it on ... did you see his goal last night? That had superstar Frenchman written all over it!!

Actually, that was a great looking goal at a very important moment. Gui! and Mad Max look like a modern day Lambert and Tremblay out there right now. On the other hand, how could the Habs not make that lead stick?

TFS is turning it back around. Sure, there weren't a lot of shots, but he was there when they needed him.

On the other hand, the second Lightning goal was a weak-assed Price glove-hand special, and would have been a backbreaker against almost anyone else. I spent most of the second and all of the third waiting for the roof to collapse. I'll need more data before declaring TFS back.

Defence looked solid again. Markov, DOOM and Hamr seem to have righted their respective ships. And Little Tits came back from Hamilton ready to go.

Okay, I'll give you those. On the other hand, somebody explain the fascination with D'Agostini to me. After a hot start, he has cooled off considerably and shouldn't be getting time on a scoring line at this point. He singlehandedly killed the momentum mid-second with the Habs swarming the Lightning net by meekly firing one into Ramo's chest without even thinking. And as soon as I saw it was the Dagger on the breakaway last night, I knew he'd miss. Would Pacioretty have buried that? Maybe, maybe not, but I wouldn't have been resigned to a miss from the get-go.

Still in the playoffs, despite all the recent troubles, with some games in hand, and the Rangers lost!

On the other hand, Philly laid down against Florida so the Panthers are breathing down the Habs necks, Pittsburgh is on fire, Buffalo won't be an easy out on Saturday, and if the playoffs started today Zach Parise and Marty Brodeur would have this fucking team for lunch.

It's Friday!

On the other hand, my in-laws are coming to visit, and Canada Revenue just reassessed our 2006 return because H&R Block fucked it up on purpose to get themselves a bigger percentage. Seriously.

Def Leppard, Poison and Cheap Trick are coming to Toronto July 4!

On the other hand ... no wait, that's fucking awesome.

Gui! Gui! Gui!

HF10 will be along with a game review soon. But in the meantime, I have to admit it, I was mesmerized by this goal last night.This is a power forward. Note the "pshaw, you can't touch me" shove off of the defender at the blue line. The graceful speed to the outside. The huge reach and the deft touch to finish.

I could get used to that. I will freely admit that I was wrong about Gui! if he can do this for a whole season some day.

The Morning Skate for Friday, March 27th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of your bracket being busted. Goddamn you fucking Memphis...
  • !!!??!!! Uh, we're really not sure how to react to that one. Dominate for 50 minutes, blow it, and then get an OT winner from the Cap'n. Habs 3, Bolts 2. More later no doubt;
  • Panthers also win, leaving the Fucking Habs 2 points out of 9th;
  • Rangers lose, leaving the Fucking Habs 2 points out of 7th;
  • Blues and Predators both win, setting up a nasty 7-11 clusterfuck in the West.
Happy Sexy Friday everyone!

Thursday, March 26, 2009

This no effort streak is awesome (for me) - Lightning Game Preview and Open Thread

While LG77 sexes it up with the stilettos and a skirt and kevincrumbs sleeps in, yours truly brings his own streak with the no effort preview. Fan-fucking-tastic! Lap dance to Montréaliste1 for the link to the pics that now pepper my hard drive, allowing me to make even less of an effort.

So the basics - 7:30 start in Montreal and it's on TSN. Bolts Blog tells me they have won 1 in a row, just like the Fucking Habs. Bolts have taken 2 of 3 this year. Boob's no boob, so he's sticking with the same line-up. In the spirit of no effort, I have not thought about a brilliant nickname for the new #1 line. St. Louis and Stamkos are both riding long point-scoring streaks. For your post-game adult entertainment, type a naughty word into Google Image search. It's less of an effort than having sex with your spouse or significant other.

And we're done! Bring your own streak to the comments.

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, March 26th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of some killer ecstasy...
Vinny and the Lightning drop in to the Phone Booth tonight.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Canadiens 6, Thrashers 3?

Yeah, right. The Montreal Canadiens? Someone read that score incorrectly.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, March 25th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of peace in the Middle East...
Please have your tickets ready to show the driver as you board Wagon B.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

We're not putting any effort into this Thrashers Game Preview and Open Thread

Yeah, that's the best place for that chant

Look, if the Fucking Habs aren't going to put in any effort, they don't deserve me putting any effort into these previews. No clever gimmick, the minimum amount of research, lazy ass jokes (if any), and a pic that's been sitting on my hard drive. That's what your getting. Blame the Fucking Habs.

So the basics - 7:30 PM start in the Bell Centre. Fucking Habs riding a 5 game losing streak. Love the headline over at Bird Watchers Anonymous. Mad Max is the only Fucking Hab worth watching. Your lines are allegedly as follows:

Kovy - Koivu - Tangy
Pleks with a pair of Tits
Mad Max the Tender Greek
Higgins - Metro - El Dandy

There will also be defense pairings that won't work, and a goalie who can't stop the puck. For your post-game adult entertainment, have sex with your spouse or significant other.

Make sure not to put any effort into your comments

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, March 24th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a naked Cindy Crawford...
  • Whew. Fucking Habs really holding on to a playoff spot now, by the ever elusive "game in hand" after Florida takes a point in a 3-2 OT loss to the Canes;
  • Marty Brodeur is human, loses The Battle of the Martys 4-2 to the Flyers;
  • Flames hold Canada's playoff hopes, take care of the Red Wings 5-3, though lots of it was just Chris Osgood sucking;
  • Shout out to Kristin of eager to go psycho who bought us several delicious beverages yesterday to drown our sorrows on the state of the Fucking Habs.
The all-powerful Thrashers visit tonight.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Fucking Habs News and Notes

All in all, I'd rather be on the beach, too. Lap dance to EOTP for the pic.

Just in case anyone comes here for actual news on the team instead of the witty repartee (ha), a couple of things you should know:
  • Little Tits is back with the big club;
  • Patches has been sent down;
  • George Gillet is broke and will be selling the team to either Céline Dion, Jim Ballsillie or the "community" à la Green Bay Packers;
  • For decent neutral observations about the Habs situation, check out Adam Gretz' post over at Don't call us AOL Fanhouse. And we are not linking to him simply because he linked to us. Or that's what I want you to believe.
BTW, I have now decreed that the Habs shall be known by me as "Fucking Habs." All variations on the theme are welcome.

UPDATE - Yours truly will be on CBC Radio AGAIN, this afternoon at 3:40 on HomeRun. I'll be biting my lip to try to avoid saying "Fucking Habs." Here's the link to listen.

The Morning Skate for Monday, March 23rd

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of losing at your "own" game, again (p.s. Dice-K won, so here's a With Leather tradition)...
Hey, we're still in a playoff position kids! How's that for a successful weekend? BWAHAHAHAHA.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Fuck this fucking team

No seriously, fuck this fucking team (Mad Max excepted). If it wasn't for wanting to entertain you fine readers and commentors (like poor Kristin, who traveled many kilometers to cross the border to witness that crap), I wouldn't waste one minute of my time on this band of no-effort fucktards. I will write these three sentences to say fuck you team then go out and enjoy everything else life has to offer.

p.s. still 10 games left. Plenty of time to turn it around Boob.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

We need to go both ways tonight - Leafs Game Preview and Open Thread

We're pulling out two old streaks to try and shake things up. As Melly suggested in the comments yesterday, the male strippers vs. the Leafs was a good one. Desperate times call for desperate measures. And that "hot chicks Tom Brady slept with" streak was fun. So above is Erin Naas, L.A.-based model. She and Tom "dated" briefly back in 2003.

Hey kids! How y'all doing on the lovely spring Saturday? It's a fine beautiful day full of sunshine and lollipops. You know, if the Habs go both ways tonight, play a little offence and a little defence, everything will be alright. I'm happy the Habs still have plenty of time to right the ship and get this going before the playof...

Fuck that shit. I can't fucking hold it in any longer. This fucking team has ELEVEN FUCKING GAMES LEFT TO PLAY. That's not a lot of fucking time. Anyone remember the fucking Senators collapse last year? Don't we fucking look like that? We fucking suck. We can't play defence, our alleged offensive players can't fucking skate or score, and our fucking franchise goalie is toute fucké in the fucking head. Wake the fuck up you fucking team.

Whew, that felt good. Alrighty let's hit the bullet points to set this one up:
  • 7:00 P.M. start at the Phone Booth. It's on CBC of course. Saturday Night! Leafs-Habs! Too bad both teams fucking suck;
  • Each team has won two in the season series so far;
  • Habs have lost 4 in a row. Really? I thought it was more;
  • The Leaves are 8-4-1 in their last 13 games. Wow. I'd take that;
  • While not a 100% Leafs blog, we dig Eyebleaf of Sports and the City so much we'll give him the cover charge tonight;
  • Mad Max the Tender Greek are the only players we would consider as hot right now, and maybe Jaro, who looks to be starting tonight;
  • The rest of the team, as already mentioned several times, sucks. Special mention for Higgy and Big Tits;
  • Ponikarovsky has 5 points in his last 3 games, our old friend Grabs has 4 in 3;
  • Martin Gerber is a Martin Gerber-esque 1-2-0, 4.37, .879 in his last 3 starts;
  • Rumours have Big Tits, DOOM, and Dagger all in the press box, but nothing is confirmed as of now;
  • Kaberle hurt his hand again and is day to day;
  • For your post-game adult entertainment, in the spirit of sucking, enjoy America's Cock Sucking Championship. Needless to say, it's NSFW.
If you want to go both ways in the comments, we're cool with that. Consider this an open thread for all the March Madness action.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Strippers at a hockey game: the FHF dream comes true

So Puck Daddy is reporting that the ECHL's Las Vegas Wranglers have come up with an amazing promotion that we can only dream of the Habs copying one day. Their "Over 18 Night" will feature a later starting time, an open bar for $20 before the game, and 2 for 1 drinks during the game. And strippers.

In the concourse, there will be "Stripper 101," a striptease cardio and pole dancing demonstration or something. I really don't care what it is, but it sounds outstanding. The only downside is that it seems there will be no nudity. Total bullshit. Without nudity, there is no stripping. I call false advertising.

This brings to mind something that was announced recently that we've been meaning to mention. Quebec sex vedette Anne-Marie Losique (the Big Tits in the pink in the pic above) has launched Quebec Pole Position, a reality show seeking the best stripper in Quebec. It will be on pay TV in May. You can fucking better believe there will be nudity in that show. We're rooting for the ladies from Faucon Bleu in Mont Tremblant. It's been the site of many a bachelor party of the extended FHF family, and the awesomest moment of my life when a stripper and I waved to my friends from the upstairs VIP room, while she was wearing my vintage Kansas City Scouts jersey and nothing else.

Lap dance to FHF friend Goozo for first pointing out the Quebec Pole Position story

TMS gets the game review out of the way as early as possible so that we may all enjoy our Friday later - Sens 5, Habs 4

Even the emoticons know the sky is falling

Congrats to Ovie on getting his 50th. Florida is nipping at the Habs' heels after beating the Leafs. There was a full slate of other games. But we'd thought we'd try something different today and give you a review you can read with your breakfast. Well, not really different, 'cause we're dusting off the old-style review format. Let's see if we can remember how it goes.

Plan the parade - Habs have the best third line in the league. Mad Max the Tender Greek was the only line that showed up last night. They worked, they skated, they scored, they generally wreaked havoc on the ice every time they stepped on it. Jaro came in for a brain-dead Price and gave the Habs a chance to win. The Habs as a whole did make it interesting, coming back from several two-goal leads down to only one-goal leads down. Pleks seemed to have a few moments of actual non-zombie hockey playing. Habs broke the 30-shot barrier for the first time in the Second Gainey Era. We had fun in the open thread.

The sky is falling - We don't even know where to start. How about stupid, ill-timed penalties? That seems to be a theme for this team lately. We only had two penalties, but for some reason it seemed like more. Maybe 'cause the Sens scored on both. How about a shaky (at best) Carey Price? He seemed to have come around a couple of weeks ago, now he seems to have regressed. Getting yanked after giving up four goals on 15 shots was not pretty. We know Panger would say he's only 21, but his brain may be permanently scarred. Most of the team as a whole looked completely disinterested for huge parts of the game - no effort, no skating, no nothing. We swear we didn't even know Kovy was playing until the third period. Remember when the FHF used to fight over the phrase "my boy Higgins" around here? I dare any FHF'er to claim him now. Our defense continues to be porous and useless. Our PP continues to be beyond useless. This is all just the tip of the iceberg. We'll let you fill in the rest.

Chez Parée bound? The 3rd line and Jaro are getting hand jobs in the VIP lounge, while the rest of the team is cleaning their jizz off the couches.

Next evil, evil foe - Tronna comes a callin' on a Saturday night. That used to be fun. We get the feeling it may be less fun.

OK that's out of the way. We'll find some lame excuse to post hot chicks later, so we can all get our weekend off to a sexy start.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

All the Facts are Bad: Senators Game Preview and Open Thread

Hopefully the Senators' girls have worn them all out, giving the Habs a chance that their utter disinterest in anything resembling a hard night's work will be matched by the tired, yet I'm sure satisfied, home town boys tonight.

We're too depressed to be creative or funny as we witness this centennial season circulate clockwise and sink down the toilet, so it's just the FACTS today, and why those facts are BAD for Montreal. Because everything is BAD for Montreal right about now.

FACT: 7:30pm at the ATM in Ottawa.
BAD: Besides a crappy nickname (I hope there is a better one out there), Montreal's even worse on the road than at home, now 3 games under .500.

FACT: Ottawa is 4-1 in it's last 5 games.
BAD: Montreal has lost 5 of 7.

FACT: 1-1-2 record under Gainey.
BAD: Aren't teams supposed to get a boost after firing their coach? Like, say, in Ottawa??

FACT: Heater, Spez and Alfie have 27 combined points in the last 7 games
BAD: even when the Sens sucked early on, these guys ripped up Montreal, and pretty mach always have. Watch for an EVEN WORSE moment when Spezza turns a Habs defencemen into a pretzel. I'm betting it's Hamr's turn tonight.

FACT: Gainey juggles lines again, resulting in the return of Dance a Dix and a reunited Tender-Mad Max-Greek Lightening line.
BAD: Everybody has played with everybody else since January 20, and the result is the worst record in the East during that time. JUGGLING IS FOR CLOWNS, BOB.

FACT: Tanguay returns to the lineup.
BAD: We're going to lose him as a free agent, but Kovy and Saks will be back. Which is when I stick that rusty, oil-streaked needle in my eye.

FACT: Rhino's out.
BAD: Breezer's in.

FACT: TFS (tm) gets the start in net.
BAD: if they lose, somehow it will be his fault and further proof he is overrated/a bust/not worth the gum underneath your shoes. Of course, he's no Brian Elliott - who will now earn a shutout and the first star of the game. My BAD.

Tell us your FACTS and why they are BAD in the comments.

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, March 19th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of calling in "sick" so you can watch some hoops. I think I may be "sick" tomorrow too...
  • Carbo meets the press. Says all the right things, yada yada;
  • Carolina now has as many points as the Habs after a win over the Bordeur-less Devils. Sergei Samsonov had TSN's highlight of the night. Maybe he's available as a free agent over the summer.
Habs head to our nation's capital tonight. How are the Sens this year?

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, March 18th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of your liver recovering from St. Patrick's Day and / or SXSW (ok, maybe that last one is only me)...
  • You know, you people make it very confusing. I tried to get a sense of the game from the thread last night, but you guys can't seem to agree on whether we played well or not. Though I guess that's an improvement over all of us agreeing we suck. Habs get a point in a 4-3 shootout loss to the Rangers. More later I guess;
  • Marty Brodeur is god.
OK back to bed for me. Talk amongst yourselves.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Rangers Game Preview and Open Thread

We accept any and all excused to post photos of ultra-hot Canadian-girl-next-door Elisha Cuthbert. Finally, a reason to justify Sean Avery's existence.
At this point we've just about given up, so we're taking ignorance over enlightenment in this preview and ask this question: If we pretend we don't know they suck, will they stop sucking?
  • 7:30pm EST/ 5:30 MST at the Phone Booth;
  • Some team named the "Rangers", who apparently are from the state of New York, are in town;
  • I'm told that Montreal's hockey team is currently in the running for a playoff position in direct competition with these "Rangers", suggesting that the game may be a passionate affair;
  • Now I'm being told that the work "passionate" is used inappropriately in any sentence also containing the phrase "Montreal's Hockey Team";
  • several media outlets are reporting that a young 21-year old by the name of "Kerry Price" will be starting the match in from on Montreal's net this evening. He sounds like a nice guy - I hope Montreal fans don't expect too much from this guy, who is probably getting his first shot in the NHL at 21;
  • I heard that some guy named Patrick Brisebois just played his 1,000 NHL game; Unbelievable! He must be a superstar to have hung around that long;
  • Alex Tanguay got a cold from what I can only assume is his best friend Alex Kovalev, who will be playing tonight. I bet Alex feels bad about getting Alex sick, and so Alex will play doublely-hard to make up for the absence of Alex;
  • I'd make a joke about replacing coaches for the eight time in ten years, but instead I'm going to go cry in my green beer and long for the days of Al MacNeil.

Please enjoy St Patrick's Day by drinking until you can't feel the Habs pain anymore. And leave some comments - assuming the bar has free wireless.

The Players Are Getting Soft Poo Again

Hey Virus guy, leave my team alone! You did your thing two years ago. It's okay, we got it, you make people throw up everything they have inside, bring food violently out of every orifice, and cause havoc in the eastern conference standings. If you're the same weird 12-legged guy who threw his shit around the room a couple of years back, you should be ashamed of yourself.

Virus, you're a prick. You're an arrogant prick. You think you impress me when you try to go by Influenza? Ooohhhh! Influenza! I'm sooo scared! You're a prick flu guy. Call yourself what you want to make yourself feel more important, we all know who you really are. You're flu. Three letters. You're basic. Get out of the players flu guy, leave them alone, they have enough to deal with, with their innate laziness and regular eagerness to not play.

Get out flu. The power of Advil flu and sinus compels you.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, March 17th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being hospitalized in Montreal...
Rangers visiting tonight. HUGE game in the standings. We'll lose.

Monday, March 16, 2009

I Don't Wanna Talk About It! Non-Game Review

If I could eat a sandwich after the game this weekend, it would be a "fuck it" sandwich, with a side order of "fuck that" salad.

And I would order it from the caterer above.

Why delve into the obvious? Shots 48-23? Sounds like the new proportions of Anorexic Brazil Barbie. The only difference between today and last month is that our goalies are not playing like assholes.

But the rest of the guys are. They're playing like a bunch of assholes.  Now, where's my "fuck this" apple pie...

The Morning Skate for Monday, March 16th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a perfect March Madness bracket...
Seriously, are we out of the playoffs yet?

Saturday, March 14, 2009

It's Amazing What You Can Make in St-Leonard: Game Night Open Thread

On his way to 551...

Interesting how coincidence has a hand in the making of history. When Patrick Roy had his number retired he was supposed to be celebrated as the all-time second most victorious goaltender in the NHL. Marty went down with the worst injury of his career which guaranteed that on November 22, Roy would still stand as the winningest goalie ever.

Marty comes back last month and plays lights out, and the whole scenario unfolds in almost scripted fashion. Brodeur wins tonight and he ties Roys mark of 551 wins in the regular season. Who was the better goalie? Totally irrelevant. Give me either one. But only one took the Stanley Cup while his wife was boinking another guy, and telling him about it in the playoffs. That's cold.

So we have a great game in the makings.

Time is 7 p.m.

Need for a Montreal win: Huge

Devils blog: the Kiss website, cause that's the devil's music.

TV Channel to watch Marty win 551: ESPN Colombia

Hot in Montreal: Jaro is in. Jaro is hot.

Hot Devils: Redundant

Strip club to frequent after the game: If we win, stay home and make love to your significant other because this has to be celebrated as a family. If we lose, don't spend your money. Masturbate.

Friday, March 13, 2009

It's Good to Be a Shlep: Isles 3 - Shleps 2 (O.T.)

Yup. That pretty much sums it up. 

Shlepping against the worst team in the NHL.

Shlepping for a full two minutes on a 5 on 3.

Shlepping during the entire course of another second period.

Shlepping themselves silly.

Shlepping on the shot clock.

Shlepping on the job.

Taking care of business and shlepping overtime.

Shlepping in the standings.

Shlepping so badly they make those shleps in the picture look like the cover of G.Q.

Shlepping all the way to the bank.

Centennial shleps.    

The Morning Skate for Friday, March 13th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of having to go to SIX overtimes...
Okay kids, TMS is off to the wilds of Texas for SXSW. Over the next week, expect TMS an hour later or more, as a time change and hangovers will undoubtedly wreak havoc on our posting schedule. We'll see if the Habs are still in playoff spot when we get back.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

We really need to beat these bottom teams - Isles Game Preview and Open Thread

One of the major problems (among many) that the Habs have had this year is playing down to the level of the competition. Losing to bottom-feeders like Atlanta, while playing better against the Caps or the Sharks or whoever. That's one thing Bob needs to fix - we've got to be able to put away these craptastic teams. Here's the chance - the Isles are absolutely the bottom of the league. Let's kick it with an old style stripperriffic preview to set this baby up.

Wating in line details - 7:30 PM start at the Phone Booth. Habs have actually won 6 of their last 8. Isles, for all their suckage, have been good lately, 4-1-1 over their last 6. The teams have split their 2 games so far this year, with the Isles winning in a shootout in Montreal thanks to the now legendary Rhino gaffe.

Pay your cover charge to - check out A View from Section 317 for the real fans' view.

Hot sexy Habs to watch - The Koivu-Tits-Tangy line (nickname please?) is looking good. Carbo's last act as coach may have been a good one. TFS' return to form has earned him another start.

Skanky Habs to watch - Pleks pointless in 3. Return of ZombiePleks!

Hot sexy Isles to watch - Some dude named Josh Bailey has 4 points in his last 3 games. Former first-rounder Kyle Okposo has goals in 3 straight games. Habs castoff Yann Danis is 4-2-0, 1.51, .952 in his last 6. Uh-oh. Quebec goalie playing in Montreal alert!

Skanky Isles to watch - with the 4-1-1 record, this space is pretty empty.

Not dancing due to too many vodka Red Bulls - RDS is reporting that Kovy has a virus and is a game time decision. If he doesn't play, Dagger will get his spot. Max pack is back in the lineup. Otherwise, there shouldn't be any changes from the Oilers game, meaning Breezer remains stuck on 999.

Post-game adult entertainment - enjoy this fine collection of sexy bottoms pics. Damn right it's NSFW.

Bottom's up!

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, March 12th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of surviving a plunge over Niagara Falls...
Isles in the Phone Booth tonight.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Habs Respond to Bob's Look of "Fuck with Me and You're Dead": The Children 4 - The Oilers 3 (O.T.)

You want to know what happened to the Montreal Canadiens this week? Very simple. The players have been acting up for weeks and weeks and wound up spinning the situation out of control with horrible performances on the ice and embarrassing conduct off it. Guy Carbonneau's presence did not seem to deter the team from pursuing this destructive disorder. No threats worked, not the benchings, the punishing practice, the pandering, nothing.

The only menace that would send a shiver down the players' spines was : Wait till your father gets home.

Daddy came home this week. And ya don't fuck with Daddy.

Daddy comes through the front door and suddenly the frenetic craziness at home, the jumping on the bed, the bouncing off the walls, the food fights, the screaming to your heart's content, they all stop. Suddenly, you hear the door and it's "Oooohhhh!" Stand up straight, fix your hair, arrange the couches on the sofa, shove EVERYTHING under the bed and beat the clock that starting ticking when Daddy's footsteps are heard from the stairs he begins to climb steadily.

Things sort of look okay by the time Daddy enters your room. You've definitely calmed down, you've stopped throwing the cat around, and for all intents and purposes everything looks normal. But Daddy's pretty smart and he sees you panting behind your attempt to project quiet obedience. He knows what you've done, and now that he's there, you know you're going to stop.

Daddy (actually, granddaddy since last week) climbed down the stairs from his front office this week and entered the room. And I bet you could have heard a pin drop. I bet you could have heard a mime show in Papua New Guinea. 

No more clowning around kids, and it starts now. I'm going to be fair with you because I care about you, but you're not getting away with any of this anymore. Nothing needs to be said when the proverbial daddy comes home (a role often played by the amazing mommies of this world). His presence is sufficient.

Daddy watched the team roar back to life in the first period against the Oilers last night. He watched them spin their wheels in the second, but he did not punish, he empowered. He encouraged. But this was still Daddy talking and you don't fuck with the Daddy. Because you're never going to get away with it. His look will suffice, Daddy doesn't need words.

If Guy Carbonneau can be blamed for a lack of communication skills, for not providing the players with enough information to set them on the right course, paradoxically, Gainey's immense gift lies in the fact that the players don't need his verbal skills to show them the way. It becomes intuitive and it only requires a few words to emphasize, to state what has already become obvious.

The team responded well last night, all things considered. Gainey's words were heard loud and clear, even though he probably never verbalized them. 

BGL thinks the NHL is run by a bunch of fucking pussies

HF4 will be along with a game review a bit later. In the meantime, I thought I would mention I loved some of Big George Laraque's comments to TSN's Darren Dreger in light of the GMs' efforts to curb fighting in the NHL. They want to have a 10 minute misconduct for "staged fights" (but those are the best kind!), and that really pissed him off:

"Stupidest thing ever!"
"I think it's a joke"

BGL thinks the proposals will lead to the elimination of the enforcer:

"This will take the one-dimensional player out of the NHL because that's who they will say starts a staged fight."

Like, say, you?

BGL is also annoyed that no enforcer is involved in these decisions:

"No one in that meeting does it (fights) for a living. Why am I not there, or Boogaard, or a player who this is directly going to impact?"

Yes, that's what Committee meetings need, more Boooooogaard!

To close, BGL said he just doesn't give a shit anymore:

"I'm aware of the criticism I will face for speaking up and being vocal. I'm trying to protect the other guys. I'm at the end of my career, for me it doesn't matter."

We haven't really had any fighting debates around here. This seems like a good a time as any. My opinion? I'm puttin' on the foil as we speak.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, March 11th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of a trans-fat free world...
Our fingers are crossed and we're praying this is a new era.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

It's all up to the porn 'stache now - Oilers Game Preview and Open Thread

Bob, in simpler times. When you could step out for a quick smoke and a Brador between periods.

Bob, Bob, Bob. You've really stepped into it now haven't you? Do you have any fucking clue what you have gotten yourself into? I do not envy you, sir. By way of a preview for tonight's affair (7:30 P.M., Phone Booth, on Sportnset West, check out the outstanding Lowetide for your Oil news), let's take a look at what you need to fix. WARNING - possible actual hockey analysis ahead.

Totally inconsistent all year. And right now, Faceoff.com lists no "hot" Habs. Players who were consistent last year (Pleks, Big Tits, Kovy) have been up and down all year. Carbo's line juggling seemed to have finally paid off a bit in Dallas (the Big Tits - Tangy duo), but did way more damage than good overall. Bob is going with this tonight:

Tits - Koivu - Tangy
Kovy - Pleks - Dagger
Higgy - Laps - Kosto
Stewart - Métro - El Dandy

We can live with that (even though Kovy on the left wing is pretty out there), as long as Métro doesn't see any time on the 5 on 3.

Seriously what the fuck is wrong with these guys? This is essentially the same group as last year, which played outstanding Team D. Now they couldn't defend my old intramural "C" league team (Go Chico Resch!). Here's Bob's pairings for the evening:

Markov - DOOM (reunited and it feels so goooood...)
Rhino - Hamr
Schneider - Gorges

With Bob behind the bench, will Breezer ever see 1000?

A decent probelem to have, looks like we've got two good ones right now. BTW, in all the hubbub about the firing yesterday, you no doubt skipped Panger's excellent piece on TFS(tm). Go read it now. Panger is prescient - Bob is riding Price tonight.

The PP
After a decent boost right after the Semitic Saviour's arrival, the PP has gone flat, 0 for 13. Good luck fixing that mess Bob.

10 UFA's playing for a contract in front of the GM. The new coach bump. The 100th Anniversary pressure. LG77 shouting at any Habs coach at the Bell Centre until she's hoarse. That's a lot for anyone.

So, in Bob we trust? Or in Bob we trust but sometimes we really don't get it? Time to find out. If only he would bring back the porn 'stache.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, March 10th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of / having nightmares of firing your coach...
  • Don't worry, nothing important happened to the Habs yesterday;
  • Sens take the Battle of Ontario, 2-1;
  • Hurricanes beat the Rangers, jump from 9th to a tie for 5th (with the Habs) in the East. Clusterfuck alert!
  • Token west game alert! Kings end the 'Nucks win streak;
Oilers visiting the Phone Booth tonight. I'm sure it won't be a circus or anything.

BREAKING NEWS - as I write this, the CBC called and wants yours truly on the air again to continue the conspiracy to reveal my real name. We'll be discussing the intricacies of managing the salary cap during a recession (or so I'm assuming). Should happen around 8:15 AM, 88.5 FM in Montreal or online here.

Monday, March 09, 2009

Why is this man smiling?

Because he won't have to deal with the Montreal media any more.

Only about 6 weeks too late.

Man, I'm gonna miss... that tag.

I'm Not Sure About God, But I Believe In TFS (tm) - Habs 3 - Stars 1

Is is wrong that I feel the same way? Mmmm, Carey... Uhh, ok divert your attention from my orientation by checking out The 700 level and especially Suicide Girls, you dirty perv. Trust us, those chicks, making out with jerseys or not, are hot.

That rampaging sound you hear is 10,000 Habs fans jumping back on the Carey Price bandwagon. After a stellar start, including a 30-game unbeaten streak (or something like that, if you want real stats look somewhere else) he followed up with an equally awe-inspiring a streak, this time made of post-All Star game suckitude. Now TFS (tm) is back in a big way, giving up 2 goals in two games. Too bad for TFS that the Habs forgot how to score in 4 periods of those 2 games.

After holding the fort for 100-odd minutes and giving his teammates a chance to win both games, TFS showed again why he was picked so high and has won at every level he's played. So his doubters can SUCK IT or STICK IT; their choice. Dude is 21 years old and he's already won a pro championship and earned the starter's title in the most pressure-packed spotlight in hockey. But of course, some brain-dead bloggers and Leafs fans still try and argue that he's overrated. He's 21 FREAKING YEARS OLD. Well, ok, to be fair some equally stupid people said the same about Roberto Luongo. Your know, the good ol' Italian kid from Montreal that most people would now want to build their franchise around. (Gotta love Italian goalies from Montreal, BTW.)

Anyway, in Roberto's first year, he split time almost equally between the AHL and NHL. TFS was up pretty much all season, except for a 10-game get-your-confidence-back period. In Lou's second season, he became a full-timer after being traded to Florida by Brain-Dead (Not Mad) Mike Mulberry, err Milbury, who obviously also thought he was overrated. (Anyone willing to trade Roberto for Ricky straight up today? If any hands went up, do us a favour and check yourself into rehab right now). Of course, the current Captain Canuck was spitting time with the Immortal Trevor Kidd his first year in Florida, while Price was handed the starter's title in year 2. It was only in year three that Luongo established himself as a clear-cut #1 in the NHL. And didn't win even one playoff series until...2 years ago. Carey won one is his first in his first year. Yeah yeah, Florida sucked and it was hardly Roberto's fault, and TFS was not good against Philly in the second series - but that was round two, so the point remains: Carey has credentials. (Justin Pogge, for example, does not.)

Look, there is never any guarantee that a player is going to become a superstar; just ask Eric Lindros - if he can remember anything that long ago. It is possible that Price will turn out to have been over-hyped. But probably not. What is that jumped-upon conclusion based on? So he went through a slump. Big freaking deal. We're talking, what, 15 games? It's much more stupid to suggest he's not going to be a franchise player based on his exploits thus far, so let's all give the kid a break and just let him play, and judge him mercilessly in 2-3 years time. So no more "Jesus Price" for now. On this site at least, that was written - as is most everything, for those who haven't yet noticed - sarcastically and/or self-mockingly. But we stand by our Franchise Saviour moniker, cause he's the only one on the roster who truly gives us hope for a Cup in our lifetimes.

OK, enough goalie-centricity. While TFS was the player of both games (yes, because I'm a biased wop goalie from Montreal) TurtlePleks PK heroics, Rhino's mean streak and Tangy & Big Tits chemistry earn honourable mentions.

Just to even out the goalie-love with a little keeper-hate, we're still laughing after the Habs scored their third while Turco was out roaming behind the net aimlessly like a blue-hair at the Cavendish mall (trust me, West-enders are laughing). Oh, and the Little Fuckity-fuck can suck it, too. We're pretty sure he sticks it on a regular basis. (Wait, what does that even mean?) We kinda feel bad for Bangin' Begin - but we loves his replacement, future fan fav Stewart.

Edmonton up next on Mechant Mardi. Habs better beat those Alberta fuckers, and solidify a playoff spot for fucks sakes. I'm afraid that HF29's next rant will be so epic that the interwebs melt down from the profanity.

The Morning Skate for Monday, March 9th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of Windows security issues...
  • Habs, uh, win? Lookie here. Habs 3, Stars 1. Price holds the fort during a penalty-filled affair and Gregory Stewart is quickly becoming everyone's favourite Hab. Habs go from 6th to 7th to 8th to 5th in the East in one 8-hour period. More later today;
  • Crosby wins this round of Sid-Ovie as the Pens beat the Caps 4-3 in a shootout;
  • Rangers are breathing again, win their third straight, 4-3 over the Bruins;
  • We feel less bad about the Habs loss to the Thrashers after they beat the Flames, 5-2. Well, not really.
Happy Monday. Let's hope last night was a sign of a good week to come.

Sunday, March 08, 2009

I am not wasting one more minute of my weekend on this fucking team - Stars Game Preview and Open Thread

So in case you live under a rock (or in a place that doesn't have Daylight Savings Time), you know that we lost an hour this weekend springing the clocks forward. I'm saying that was the hour I would have spent writing something about this team of crap. This team of crap that after last night's games is a mere single point away from being out of a playoff spot.

So here's the deal, without wasting any time - Habs play in Dallas at 6 PM. Yes, SIX P.M. E.D.T. I don't know what the fuck that means either. Habs have won 2 of their last 14 road games. Defending Big D is a great source for Stars news. Bégin and Ribeiro. Ex-Cowboy Terrell Owens is going to rip the city of Buffalo apart. And that's all I've got to say.

Talk amongst yourselves.

Saturday, March 07, 2009

Always look on the bright side of life - Thrashers 2, Habs oh well

Carey Price was outstanding last night. He came up with the key saves when he had to. He gave the team every chance to win the game for three periods. He had no chance on the one goal he let in. He stood up in the face of a constant bombardment of PK's. He moved well, he was confident, and he was steady. Except for maybe giving up a couple of juicy rebounds, he looked exactly like the franchise saviour he's supposed to be.

As for the rest of those fucktards who lost to a bottom-feeding team, well, mom told me if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all.

I'm listening to mom today. But you can better fucking believe that at this rate, a rant of epic proportions is coming down the pipe.

Friday, March 06, 2009

Ode to Breezer on the occasion of his 1000th Game*

The only time I've actually been happy to look at Breezer

So the Habs play in Atalanta tonight at 7:30. Habs need to wake up, Tangy finally looks good to go, Kovalchuk is great, and Bird Watchers Anonymous is your source for all things Thrash. That's your preview. Assuming Breezer is actually playing (I can't seem to confirm the lineup at this hour), on this most momentous of occasions, I have once again been moved to verse.

Oh, Breezer, why do we taunt you so?
Because you suck
You're good for a goal a game
For the other team;
Your gaffes are the stuff of legend
From giving up the puck at the opponent's blue line on the PP
leading to a short-handed breakaway
To your pylon-like abilities in your own zone
You always give us an excuse as to why we lost
That's something I guess;
On occasion you delight us with a good shot from the point
Or a clever pass
But those moments are as rare
As a bottle of '34 Chateau Margaux
Which I would smash over your head if I saw you;
They say you bring leadership to the room
But I believe you only bring doom
To this day I feel your signing was junk
So please go back to Panger's trunk.

Happy 1000th game Patrice!

*UPDATE (lap dance to rutbut) - Breezer is sitting. Pretend I wrote this in the future.

The Game Day Skate for Friday, March 6th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of the Impact really fucking blowing it (sorry moeom)...
Habs in Atlanta tonight. That's a team we can beat, right? Seriously, we told you to fucking stop laughing.

Thursday, March 05, 2009

What the Frak?

I come back from this:

to watch 2 1/2 hours of this:

At least Bob didn't trade a first round pick, cause it'll be in the lottery.

The Morning Skate for Thursday, March 5th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of cutting Terrell Owens from your team...
A reminder if you're awake to check us out on CBC Daybreak Montreal at about 7:40. That link has a "listen live" link on the right, or it's 88.5 FM in Montreal. We'll try not to swear, but they better be quick on the fucking beep button.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Alright, the team we got is the team we got and they're playing tonight - Sabres Game Preview and Open Thread

And the Tom Brady streak goes on. Back in 2002, Tom and Tara Reid did the nasty. So I've chosen a 2002 era Tara photo. Thank God. The 2009 era Tara freaks me out.

Well, the trade deadline has come and gone. My hatred for Pierre Maguire has reached new heights, but otherwise we didn't really accomplish much today, did we? The Habs Twitter feed says "Gainey is satisfied... details to come." Oy.

So as the team we're stuck with hits the ice tonight, let's hit the bullet points to set the table. I've blogged too much today to come up with something intelligent.
  • 7:30 PM start from Buffalo. It's on TSN, and I don't know if Maguire is making it to Buffalo in time. Let's hope not;
  • Habs have won 4 in a row, Sabres have lost 3 in a row. But now they have Dominic Moore, so they're better!
  • Sabres own the season series so far, 2-1-1;
  • Dani over at Sabre Kallisions really brings teh funneh;
  • Pleks has 9 points in his last 5 (and an 8 game point streak), Markov has 8 in 6;
  • Buffalo has no hot players, but welcome back Tomas Vanek tonight;
  • Little Big Tits pointless in 4;
  • With Jaro at home with the sniffles, Carey gets his chance to earn back the TFS tag, with Marc Denis just up from Hamilton to back him up. I don't know any other lineup notes right now;
  • For your post-game adult entertainment, enjoy Tara Reid's red carpet nipple slip. But it's the train wreck Tara, not the 2002 version, so we're warning you now.
Please continue your tar and feathering of Bob in the comments

UPDATE - I totally forgot to mention some big news. Yours truly will be on CBC Daybreak Montreal tomorrow morning at 7:40 AM discussing the Habs and the "trades". Catch it on 88.5 FM in Montreal or online at http://www.cbc.ca/daybreakmontreal/

Time to cut this day loose? News and Notes

For James, this was the Prowlette of the week for November 2007.

Things seem to be happening, none of them Habs-related:
  • Recchi to the Broons;
  • Guerin to the Pens;
  • Foppa finally giving up and retiring;
  • Toskala on IR for the rest of the season, Leafs turn their hopes on Martin Gerber. BWAHAHAHAHA;
  • Maguire is really pissing me off.
C'mon Bob, less than an hour left!

Trade Deadline Day is Over*

*metaphorically speaking.

The only real offensive prize that I wanted, Olli Jokinen, is going from Phoenix to the Calgary Flames for centre Matthew Lombardi, forward Brandon Prust and a first-round pick.

Maguire ripping the Habs on TSN right now for doing nothing in the 100th Anniversary year.


I found a reason to watch TSN!

Sideline babe Sarah Orlesky is the reporter assigned to the Habs for the day. She makes up for the 600 other TSN personalities on set.

Still no trades. UPDATE - we have a trade! Check the comments. Thanks Tom. Yawn.

TMS wonders what the fuss is all about for this trade deadline day of March 4th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of Bob Mackenzie and Pierre Maguire being on your TV all day. Oh, wait...
Rest assured, FHF will be here all day waiting for trades and posting hot moist Prowlettes while we wait. To warm you up for the kind of outstanding analysis you'll be getting, you should check out the quality blog Cycle like the Sedins. They have asked all the best hockey bloggers out there, and for some reason yours truly, to play "what would you do if you were your team's GM?" Here's the Northeast Division. At least they got my picture right.

Oh yeah, Habs at Buffalo tonight.

Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Any excuse to post Elisha. Oh Sean, we've missed you

Elisha doesn't look so happy about Sean Avery going back to the Rangers.

We swear, if a trade happens, we'll tell you. If you missed the comments in the last thread, the news is that Chips went back to Hamilton and Halak is too sick to play tomorrow. And Tanguay should be back in action this Friday.

Back to my nap.

28 hours to go

And we have our first in what will no doubt be many "nothing's happening" posts!

So as I trolled the HFBoards looking for some good trade rumours to write about, my head exploded from the stupidity. So I went back to something I really like, Google Image searches for "hot hockey babes." I come across the website of the Vancouver Prowlers, some team I never heard of in a league I've never heard of. But they have a "Prowlette of the week", which from what I can tell is just random images of hot chicks from around the web, with a Prowlers logo MS-Pained on. The fact that the "Prowlette of the week" was for the month of March only fascinates me more.

We now return you to our regularly scheduled waiting.

The Morning Skate for Tuesday, March 3rd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of someone finally investigating TicketMaster...
  • You missed nothing.
Seriously, the only game last night was #15 in the West vs. #15 in the East. Kill me. And no one interesting seems to be getting traded. There's about 32 hours left until the deadline; we're tired and bored already.

Monday, March 02, 2009

Rhino getting pretty sick and tired of the 401

Ryan O'Byrne has been recalled from Hamilton. Again. Man he must be nauseous from the up and down business.

On the plus side, we can only hope this means Panger is back from Hawaii and has a certain member of the Habs D corps in his trunk. And only 2 games shy of 1000! Well done Panger!

More likely this means Bob is working and has something in the works?

The Morning Skate for Monday, March 2nd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of being a Canadian champion and a hot babe...
Ahh, March. The beginning of "check standings like a maniac" time.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

What a Shitty Time to Empathize With Sharks: Habs 3 - Endangered Sharks 2

Isn't he adorable?

I have found a place and it is good, and it is beautiful and it is heavenly. It's called Chez Serge. It's a tavern on the Main in Montreal. They have tons of HD screens, far more than necessary, but you can never have too many HD screens. They have scores of die-hard fans in Habs jerseys. The single ones will be happy to know that one can try one's pick-up lines there and have some success. You just better be cheering for the right team. 

The place is awesome and I'm never going to watch another game away from home anywhere else. I'll watch cricket there for god's sake. I'll watch a Mira dart tournament.

What a place to see the Habs explode circa 2008 in the first period against league leading San Jose. Cross-ice passes, gorgeous exchanges between forwards, intuition and anticipation between the players. It was a sight to see and the Chez Serge was roaring. 

I spent the entire first intermission wondering how quickly the Sharks would tie the score. You can circa 2008 all you want, this is 2009 and these are not the same Habs. I'll give credence to that circa stuff in a month after the team will have solidified a hold on 4th place, not traded Kovalev, acquired a legitimate centre, revived Maxim Lapierre, welcomed Gui! back from Hayden diaper changing, and resurrected Carey's career. Check that last one, if Jaro plays like this throughout March, forget about seeing Price in the playoffs. This becomes Jaro's team and management suddenly has a brand new formula to chew on.

So the Habs withstand a San Jose comeback thanks to Jaro's heroics and an incredible paddle save in the third. People are all "Lets's kill the Sharks!" and stampeding down St-Laurent back to their cars. Sharks suck! Drown the Sharks ! Can you actually drown a Shark?

So I go back home with a couple of friends and we stumble across this documentary I taped a while back called Sharkwater. I'm thinking, this could be cool for a Saturday night (I'm obviously not 21 anymore)  and we start watching this movie on what I thought would be the life of sharks and migration, gestation, shark sex, premature shark ejaculation, shark orgasms, shark affairs, shark divorces, shark custody battles, shark alimony payments, you know, the usual.

But it turns out that it's this story about the vital role Sharks play in the ecosystem, and how they maintain a balance in the waters that allow for carbon dioxide to be released in the atmosphere and LET US BREATHE AIR TO STAY ALIVE. They aren't this killing machine, only 5 people succumbing to shark attacks a year. They're actually quite shy. And they're dying. Shark finning has become a multi million dollar mafia trade. 90% of the shark population has disappeared. We've all bought in to the popular depiction of the vicious shark because of glorified images and representations of what sharks are supposed to mean and do to people. When Steven Speilberg filmed Jaws, he sealed the shark's fate. He tapped into our psyches with terrifying images and unforgettable scenes of carnage. In the process, he desensitized en masse our consideration for their plight. Can you believe it? Speilberg may have started a shark holocaust.

So now I feel all guilty that we've beaten the Sharks and that I cheered for their demise. It's as if I had cheered against a team called the San Jose Ozones, or the San Jose Jews, or the San Jose Unicefs. What a dick I was.

Pray for me, for I have sinned and am wrapped in heavy shame. We are all sinners this morning Habs fans.  Shark wins are good for us all. The better the Shark fares, the easier we can breathe. Go Sharks. Go Oxygen! And Boooooo shark fin Mafia!