Chicken is Back on the Menu/That's Hot: Habs 3 Sens A Big Fat Zero

Mmmmmm. Tastes like CHicken - and fits in your purse!

So like, hi, and everything? As you know, I'm Ms. Paris Hilton? That's Hot. I was asked to the game last night by Mr. Panger? He's, like, Not, but that's okay cause he kinda-sorta knows about hockey. And I really like hockey, you know? Well, like, really hockey players? And ever since you-know-who, I really like Montreal hockey players? So I'm gonna tell you who's, like, Hot on the Canadiens? And, you know, cause Panger wants to feel involved and everything, I'm going to write some stuff he said, to. (He, like, ALWAYS needs it to be about him, you know?) So here's what I think:

CHicken is Hot. He hasn't scored in, like, forever - but I totally forgive him now, you know? 'Cause he, like, totally gave it to me last night...you know, with that goal in that, like, hockey game...??

Panger says what's even hotter is that we seem to have identified CHicken's upside: a third liner who can also play the powerplay. Kind of like a homeless person's Tomas Holmstrom. Time to accept that we lost the Gui! trade, it seems.

Carey Price is Hot. Well, like, duh, I've been telling people that for, like, forever? And now that he's got that Halak out of the way, Carey is playing, like, really great. (But I have to admit, Jaro had really nice eyes. I just couldn't stand him always talking about his iTunas. He had nicer eyes than Jose, even. Oops, the like, lawyers told me I couldn't talk about him, you know?)

Panger says what's even hotter is the player Lars Eller is going to be plus TFS(tm) for hopefully a lot of years. And with all the best to Jaro, I'm glad the Habs didn't lock into a 4-year deal with that kind of cap hit based on a half season and one magical playoff run. Plus maybe Ian Schultz can punch Chris Neil nice and hard in a few years - if Neil's brain hasn't completely disintegrated by then.

Big Tits is Hot. I know, for obvious reasons, right? Haha. But like, another two goals? And that second goal was like, almost as hot as me, you know?

Pangers says what's even hotter is that, okay now I don't want to jinx him. He got the 'Panger Push'* last week and I won't overdo it. Go Big Tits!

 (*Like the "Colbert Bump" - but obviously shorter, balder, less clever or slightly less rich - and somehow, more gay.)

Josh Georges is Hot. Like, who knew a little Toby-Maguire looking kid from a place called Kelowna - seriously - could be so freakin' hot? I think that's in Europe because I think my Daddy owns a house there. I love European guys.

Panger says what's even hotter is that we know where Hamr's cap money is going next year. If Captain Craig Rivet is worth 3.5 Mill and turnover-machine Traitor Mike Komisarek is worth 4.5, what is Georges going to get? Especially now that in addition to being a member of the shut-down pair and a mainstay on the penalty-kill, he's looking pretty decent on the second PP wave. Now if he can manage to avoid getting smoked every game...speaking of which, Chris Neil is single-handedly making a mockery of the NHL's head-shot elimination initiative. And that was just on one shift. Fuck I hate that guy (since he's on another team.)

And as a super-bonus, I'm gonna, like, tell you know who's not hot on the Senators? Alexei Kovalev. Even I won't sleep with him right now. Cold hands - and so selfish.

Panger says what's even hotter is hahahahahahaha. And Gionta's our captain now. Hahahahahaha.

Comments, like, anyone? You know, right?

Little People Can Do Big Things Playoff Preview: The Goalies

Unlike some others who would be better served keeping their big traps shut (with all due respect to the Habs best forward), we think Jose Theodore and his goaltending abliities are just fine. And we love midget goalies like him, Jaro and our namesake, Darren Pang - the King of The Midget Goalies.

Tomas Plekanec should shut the fuck up and leave the goaltending analysis to the pros.

Here we are.

The Starters:
Jose vs. Jaro
A.k.a. Theo / Jaro
Age 33 / 24
Height 5'1 / 5'11
Weight 181 / 174
Starts 43 / 43
Record 30-7-7 / 26-7-3
GAA/SV %/SO 2.81/.911/2 vs. 2.40/.924 /5
Career claim(s) to fame: 2002 Hart vs. Leading Slovakia to the Bronze medal game
Other claims to fame: Nailed Paris Hilton (allegedly) vs. Stole Carey Price's place (for shizzle)

Analysis, or what the hell are those numbers supposed to mean to me?: Listen up Tomas, I know you were just looking to support your goaltending teammates and are saying what allot of people are thinking, but the numbers don't back you up.

Obviously, Theo had way more offense to support his starts, but it's no accident he won his last 23 games or so. There is no more streaky goalie in the NHL today than Theo, and right now he's streaking like a drunken college freshmen.

And there are allot of similarities in Theo and Jaro's respective seasons. Almost everyone assumed, at least early in the season, that the curent backups would be the playoff starters for both teams. Theo and Jaso are both small goalies by today's ridicuolously collosal standards but play a pretty effective positional butterfly style. Both have the ability for otherworldly displays when hot. Halak has probably shown a little more consistencey from start to finish this season, but Theo has the edge in experience.

Advantage: no one. That's right Tomas, as good as Halak has been, Theo is no push over. Plus he's got plenty of motivation: prove his many critics wrong, get a new contract and beat his former team. Last offseason's family tragedy just adds fuel to his fire.

What's the difference, then? Halak will have to steal the series; Theo just need to make sure he doesn't gift wrap it.

The Backups:
Semyon vs. Carey
A.k.a. Simon? Big V? /TFS or Big Fat Whale
Age 21 / 22
Height 6'2 / 6'3
Weight 209 / 219
Starts 23 / 39
Record 15-4-6 / 13-20-5
GAA/SV %/SO 2.55/.909/2 vs. 2.77/.912 /0
Career claim(s) to fame: Saving the Caps from losing to the Rangers vs. WJC and AHL Champ

So what? Backups don't play in the playoffs anyway. Leaving aside that erroneous assumption for a moment, neither Theo or Halak have the leash that say, Roberto Luongo will be given. A couple of bad goals and a couple of losses and - guaranteed - there will be talk of going with the backup.

If that happens, it's a wash - except what is says about the series itself. Price has a little more experience and has had some good outing against Washington specifically. But Varlamov would not be much of a step down from Theo, if at all.

Which bring me back to why it's becoming a myth that you have to go with one goalie for the entire playoffs if you hope to win. It's changing. Detroit and Carolina have both proven you can go to your backup and still win.

And? Let's face it, by the time Halak gets pulled in favour of Price, it will probably already be too late for Price to be the Saviour. Chasing Theo, though, will probably result in Varlamov pulling a Ward again.

And just because we love him so much: here are the REAL Panger's career stats:

Height 5'5
Weight 155
NHL TOTALS 81GP 27W 35L 7T 0SO 4.05GAA, 8.891 Sv % (csareer high)

Greatest. Midget (sized). Goalie. Ever.

We know Thomas was wrong for what he did, and we'll now blame him if they lose. Comments?

Theo to Transmit STD to Ted Leonsis

José Thedore, seen here getting an unnamed STD from Paris Hilton, has signed a 2-year $9 million deal with the Washington Capitals.

Other signings have happened, but fuck, big yawn so far.

The Morning Skate for Thursday, August 30

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the five unanswered goals the Habs scored on the Rangers in the second period on March 27, 2007...

• WAR IN THE BLOGOSPHERE!!! A slug fest between the FHF and the Blueshirt Bulletin. Scroll down for some quality sparring.
• Jose Theodore will find his seat as the worst backup goaltender in the NHL roughly 5 weeks late, a period the Avs will learn to call "the happiest times of our lives".
• Some Ranger bloggers and fans have no class whatsoever. It saddens me to say that New York, a truly vibrant and wonderful place, has been represented by a bunch of clumsy, abrasive fools.

HF29 lives! We are relieved to have received word from our brave friend. He has much to share with us kind folk. Our anxiety has lessened, our turbulent nights shall once again offer their comforting slumbers, and TMS shall return to its rightful owner.