And The Colonel Said Unto Them Thou Shalt Have Secondary Scoring - Habs 2, Panthers 0

And The Coach and The Bob did be frustrated with only the first line scoring. And lo, they turned to The Colonel for guidance.

And The Colonel doth said unto them, I have a very special CHicken growing in the Wilds of the land of ten thousand lakes. Thou needest only to give up your ill-begotten native son Gui to get him. This CHicken is special, and made in mine own image. He hath been drafted on high, but neigh I have suppressed his skills until the time of the deliverance. He is possessed of The Speed, The Size, and The Hands. These gifts will become apparent upon his return to the Holy Shrine.

And The Coach and The Bob were pleased. And they asked unto The Colonel, will you demand a sacrifice for the deliverance of the Blessed CHicken? And The Colonel respondeth I will demand the sacrifice of your two pairs of Breasts, for I need them to make my delicious nuggets with eleven herbs and spices.

And The Coach and The Bob prayed to The Colonel that at least the Breasts would be delivered some time before the Holy Time of the playoff push. And it was good.

And The Colonel delivered The Message which was thus. I will touch The Mexican and The Little Giant so that they may be healed. Thou wilst pairest them with the Blessed CHicken, and it shall be good.

So it was written, so it was done. The Coach did put the line together, and it was good. And the Giant Mexican CHicken did come forth. And in the process, did unburden the first line from the weight of the load.

And the Blessed CHicken did score. And he slayed the Cat and rescued the CHosen Team from the losing streak in the Holy Shrine.

And yet The Colonel was displeased, for his one true Franchise Saviour had been cast aside. And lo, The Colonel did deliver a goalie controversy upon them.

lap dance to Panger for the inspiration

Hallelujah

All manner of wenches celebrated The Return of The Man.

And in the beginning, there was an injury to The Man...

And The Prophets did tell The Fans, "Behold, The Tendon has been Sliced, and it is Holy...in that it has a big hole in it. Let it be written: The Man shalt not return until after the peoples of the world are united by 5 rings under shadow of great mountains."

Lo, and The Fans of the CHosen Team felt low. For their hearts did sink, as The Fans knew that the CHosen Team had only The Turtle and The Squid to turn to for light. And they knew the path would be long without The Man, and feared the return to Dark, non-playoff, Times.

And the CHosen Team, they did lose to the Devils. And they did lose to the Wild. And The Fear of the Collapse did grow in the hearts of The Fans.

But The Man knew that The Prophets knew not of what they spoke. For The Man had a gift, the power to heal. And The Man believed he would recover more quickly and more fully than a mere mortal man could hope. For, truthfully, The Prophets were stoned.

And The Man said quietly, "Tendon, Heal Thyself" - and it was done. And it was all good.

And when The Man returned, he could see that the CHosen Team was drowning as it approached an Island. And The Man, he did say:

"To swim, ye must skate, hit the net and backcheck hard."

And so The Man walk out to the Island over the Water, stretched out his hand and pointed to the net. And then he said: "Shoot here." And it was done, and the Red Light did illuminate.

And lo, The CHosen Team did started to swim. And once again The Man he did point to the net and said: "Let there be Goals." And the Chosen Team did score again. And Again. And with the Return of The Man, the CHosen Team conquered the Island.

And The Fans rejoiced, for it had been many generations since The Fans had reason to cheer. For The Man gave them hope. Hope that one day, The CHosen Team would once again lift the Holy CHalice and drink from the Good Cup.

But The Fans, The Fans they did not hold their breathe, for they continued to Fear the Collapse.

If you'd like to join me in h-e-double hockey sticks in the afterlife (although I'm guessing god probably has a sense of humour), join me in celebrating the Return of The Man in the comments.