Saturday, October 16, 2010

Just in Case You Forgot We Were A-hole Lawyers: Habs 2, Sabres 1

PLAINTIFF:                     Ryan Miller
DEFENDANTS:               Buffalo Sabres Hockey Club
HEARD BEFORE:            The Honourable N.H. Elfan


  • More goals from the Defendants, save for Mr. D. Roy who's done okay so far since he's on pace for 82 goals.
  • Despite my personal best efforts, including several highlight reel saves, the Defendants allowed a goal-challenged opponent to steal 2 points right here in Buffalo, in one of the most boring games I've ever witnessed.
  • Exhibit A: Video Tape, Buffalo Sabres v. Ottawa Senators, recorded 10/8/2010
  • Exhibit B: Video Tape, New Jersey Devils v. Buffalo Sabres, recorded 10/13/2010
  • Exhibit C: Video Tape, Montreal Canadiens v. Buffalo Sabres, recorded 10/15/2010
  • Two photos of the said Montreal Canadiens' players
  • Filed affidavit of Mr. R. Miller
  • Rule 1.0, "The Team that scores the most goals wins", NHL Official Rulebook 2010-2011
  • Section 3, "Don't score on your own goalie", (Unwritten) Goaltenders' Union Rules, 1893-1894 to present

Sworn on October 16, 2010, at Buffalo, New York

I, Ryan Miller, goaltender, of Buffalo, New York, swear and say that:
  1. I am the Plaintiff in this action, and as such have personal knowledge of the facts herein deposed to. I admit that sometimes it was hard to see the facts since I was standing on my head for most of the time at issue.
  2. Attached as Exhibit "A" is a tape of a hockey game between the Defendants and the Ottawa Senators. The court will note that I was sensational, but I admit the Defendants did take 36 shots and the other goalie was a pretty darn good, even if he's more fragile than a Faberge egg. I also admit that I only had to make 25 saves, and I could live with that - since I got a "W" that goes towards my bonus - and if the Defendants didn't increasingly suck from game to game I wouldn't be here.
  3. Attached as Exhibit "B" is a tape of a hockey game between the Defendants and the New Jersey Devils. The court will note that, again, I was awesome. I admit that the Devils have a decent goaltender - but a terrible defence and can't afford enough skaters. I also admit it's hard for any team, let alone an offensively challenged club like the Defendants, to score on a team with a coach who appears to be the living anglophone reincarnation of Jacques Lemaire - not to mention an apparently bat-shit crazy GM, who fires winning coaches, signs illegal contracts and looks like this.
  4. The real problem is attached as Exhibit "C". This game involved an opponent who was giving up an average of 36 shots a game and whose defencemen do more juggling with pucks at their own blueline than a starving European mime desperate for stupid American tourist's pocket change.
  5. Further, these opponents have what could charitably be described as an anemic offence. For goodness sake, they haven't scored a power play goal yet this season and 14 guys already have attempted to castrate Sean Avery while battling with him in the corner. Although I admit that at least one guy wanted to, um, "pleasure him" instead.
  6. Even further, two of the the opponent's top goal scorers apparently spent the off season chasing down tag team championship glory in the midget wrestling ring rather than train for the upcoming hockey season. Attached hereto as Exhibit "D" is a photo taken by the world renounded artist GG11 - I admit mostly because it's freaking hilarious:
  7. Even more further, the first goal scored by the opponents was actually scored by some bone-head named Chris Butler, a member of the Defendants (although I don't know why). At least that's what the name on the guy's jersey said. I admit I'm not sure, because, like Red Fischer, I don't talk to rookies.
  8. Even further than that, I'm make this application because the game was supposed to be interesting. Two tiny, fast teams who have forgotten thus far how to play any team defense was supposed to lead to a wide-open, scoring-chance-laden game on either end, a fun-to-watch hockey game. I thought it was hard to stay awake while I was on the ice - until I saw the replay on RDS. The only reason I managed to stay conscious throughout was thinking of ways to have Benoit Brunet and Mario Tremblay sentenced to death for murdering so many of my brain cells. I admit that Pierre Houde is a lovely man with a lovely voice, though. For the record, he deserved better, My Lord.
  9. More further still, the Defendants allowed a guy who scores as often as HFF33 (which, I can tell you, is not often at all) to score the first goal of his career the season, and generally made that goofy looking gentleman look like Paul Coffey.
  10. And furthest, there's Mr. Carey Price. I thought the guys playing goal in those other games were pretty good, but this guy is playing like he's got something to prove. He's becoming an out-right thief. The only reason the Tampa Bay police, led by Constable One-Timer Stamkos, caught him the other night was due to some tips by Messrs. P.K. Subban and J. Halpern. Those guys can be so helpful to the other team sometimes. Although I admit Mr. Subban is quick to lend a helping hand even after he makes a 'tip' like that, and Mr. Halpern is adept at taking pucks away from opponents during faceoffs.
  11. But I digress. Back to Mr. Price, the Rodney Dangerfield of the NHL. Like I said, he's a cat burglar, quick as one, thereby robbing the Defendants left and right last night, just like he has 3 times previously this season. I admit he hasn't been rewarded much for such thievery, but last night was an exception. At this time I'd like to enter another GG11 photo as Exhibit "E", taken late last night outside the old Auditorium - you know, in the nice part of town:
  12. I make this affidavit in support of some goal scoring, and for no inappropriate reasons.


    moeman said...

    Insert The Clang.

    I'm not of the legal mind but methinks that if those goalie gloves don't fit, you must, um, quit.

    Moey said...

    Great post! Had me giggling out loud in Loblaws while waiting at the cash. I got a couple of strange looks.

    HabsFan29 said...

    you can't beat insider lawyer humour. i'm dying here

    and quality work all around GG!

    lawyergirl77 said...

    "even more further still"??

    Ded. Just ded. Panger, you owe me a new keyboard... Er, iPad.

    Wv (was too good to pass up): man, them there midgets are some kinda oulgui. Or: Guimauve has a face so fat and oulgui, only an RDS commentor could love it.

    mcguffers said...

    Everytime I laughed out loud at this, I stopped and remembered it's all true. Then I checked the standings and saw the Leafs in first place in the EC and smashed my face in the desk.

    I'm just hoping Miller stays as long as Hasek did before he too goes to win the cup with the Red Wings.

    GoldenGirl11 said...

    Looking forward to equal time with my Pittsburgh Pantone Preview. It's gonna kill.

    Steve said...

    its tits in heaven now work and win

    Mr. natural said...

    "insider lawyer humour", can't quite put my finger on it but somehow that doesn't sound right, some kind of oxymoron......(Though I've always gladly paid all those reasonable lawyer fees that I've incurred over time...)

    > Someone please shoot Carbonneau, this isn't going to go on all season is it?

    > Please stop backing up all the way to the goal mouth, it A) allows for easier screens, B) Causes our entire team to somehow lay prostate on the ice and C) makes our entire defensive corps panic and play like chickens with their heads cut off (apologies to Benoit).

    FYI I will be in the belly of the beast all next week locked in some terd hotel having to put up with PHucking Laff fans.

    Then off to China again Nov 1rst for two weeks. Orange if I can find a PHucken connection within the borders of the freedom loving government of the People's Democratic Republic of China that allows me onto this site I will be expecting much support and amusement from you my fellow globe trotter and all the other assholes and retards (not you LG77) on this sorry excuse for a blog, for the duration.

    *SNIFF* If I can't get on I'll miss you goofy Bastards!

    HabsFan29 said...

    when I was in China they blocked "". i'm not optimistic for FHF

    Orangeman said...

    Alexis Nihon blocked FHF, for crying out loud. However, judging by the bags policy at Zellers and salad rationing at several of the restaurants in AH, I have to say they really do give China a run for their Authoritarian Big Brother money.

    Mr. natural said...

    @HF29 & Orange, even the conglomerate where I toil cuts me more slack, but something has changed and since I got back from Europe the WV doesn't load and I cannot post from the office where they pay me huge money to NOT PHuck around online...

    Will have to bribe my local head of IT, he's Italian so it's in his blood and he loves wine and I have a half decent collection so that should work out OK. Can I get a legal ruling on that? BUT I DON'T WANT OT GET RAPED IN THE ASS ON A FEE!!!!!

    ...and in conclusion, yesterday for shits and grins I went over count Chocula's lifetime record and though we all know it, when you consider the talent at his disposal in Ottawa for 4 of those years, his record is PHucken'criminal .

    You guys have swayed me, we need to dump him before the playoffs this year, he will get us there but he will get out coached once the going gets tough.

    This 1998 Tomassi Amarone, PHucken'awesome and BUY ALL THE 2009 MID RANGE BORDEAUX'S YOU CAN, it will be the greatest year in decades.

    Man had two small scotch to taste a Bowmore and a Longmore and now 3/4 way thru this bottle, time to sign off and pass out so I can wake before game.

    Oh Ya and all you youngsters you are driving me nuts with the computers next to the TV, my desktop is two floors from the TV room PHuck!

    GoldenGirl11 said...

    Hate to be a downer but PK seems to get weaker with every day away from Boucher.

    Other than that WOO HOO!!