Useless Alert! Hossa Being Fitted for Canadiens Jersey and Genitalia Protection

-Mr. Hossa, do you wear it to your left or to your right?

-Well, I shoot left.

La Presse is reporting that the Canadiens have ordered a new uniform for Marian Hossa, which obviously means he's on a plane to Trudeau (YUL) as we speak. He just craved the idea of partaking in hot He-Man love to the tune of the comeback of the century that we reported on yesterday.

It has also been said that he was seen in a supermarket yesterday buying potatos and cheese, which in no doubt signifies that he is learning how to make poutine, which means he's buying a house in St-Eustache.

Reports are also coming in that Hossa spent the weekend watching Amélie Poulain and old François Truffault movies, which illustrates nothing less than his determination to learn the French language and teach it during the summer to Slovakian immigrants.

News is also trickling through that the Habs have requested that Montreal equipment trainers retrieve old Marcel Hossa jerseys in case the order fails to ship on time. This after the elder Hossa informed the team that he always dreamed of playing in his brother's sweaty clothes. Now that's beautiful.

Hossa was also seen eating his food with a spoon which of course means that he is learning Québécois "Rigodon" folk music and mastering the skill of spoon playing. Personally, that's what convinced me that a trade was imminent.

Hossa also made love to his wife recently meaning that he is learning the ways of the warm blooded Québécois.

Reports also coming through the news feed that Hossa was responsible for yersterday's lunar eclipse, which means the deal in Montreal is a lock.

Based on these solid leads, there is no doubt that Hossa has already been traded to Montreal and that Bob Gainey has made arrangements to have Marian's sweater retired on March 18.

La Presse, come closer. Do me a favor and leave the scoops to my friends Ben and Jerry.