Friday, January 28, 2011

The Totally Shocking NHL All-Star Fantasy Draft Goes Live! - All-Star Weekend Preview and Game Open Thread

[AP] Raleigh, NC - In a stunning turn of events, NHL All-Stars unanimously voted to change the 2011 All-Star game captains last night. NHL All-Star representatives have revealed the results of the new vote: Nik Lidstrom and Eric Staal are out, and Montreal Canadiens stars Andrei Kostitsyn and Carey Price are in. We now go live to TSN with James Duthie, Bob McKenzie and Pierre McGuire as they provide live analysis of the picks for Team Kostitsyn and Team Price.

James Duthie: Here we are live from the NHL Fantasy All-Star draft on TSN. A surprising day when NHLPA reps said they would go on strike if mega-talented Andrei Kostitsyn wasn't added to the All-Star game and made captain, opposite his superstar goalie teammate Carey Price. Kostitsyn has won the toss, so he gets to pick first. Andrei, you're on the clock.

Andrei: I pick for All Starring game Sergei. My brother all-star yes?

Duthie: Um ... no. Ruling?

NHL Reps: Fuck it. Sergei's in.

McGuire: That's a huge pick by Andrei Kostitsyn! The Tits brothers ride again! Monster! Double Dion!!!

Duthie: Carey Price, you're on the clock.

Price: This game's in Carolina, right? Gotta pick a man who knows where the good shit goes down. Eric Staal. I remember that bachelor party him and his bros had. Hell, gimme Marc and Jordan Staal too man. Let's fuck shit up!

McKenzie: Looks like Team Price is building strength down the middle and on the backline. Great picks.

Andrei Kostitsyn: I am picking Pasquale Mangiola for being All-Star friend.

Duthie: Off the board choice there for Team Kostitsyn!

NHL Rep: Oh, for fucksakes ...

Price: Awesome! Dude, I got Patrick Kane. That guy can party like nobody's business, amIrite?

McGuire: Patrick Kane's a party ANIMAL!!! Team Price is getting loaded! Dion!!! MONSTER!

McKenzie: Christ, McGuire, will you zip it?

Andrei: Is my turn? Tomas Plekanec.

NHL Rep: But he's not ... he isn't even in ... this fucking moron hasn't picked anyone in ... I quit. No, I'm out. Fuck it.

McKenzie: Great two-way player, Tomas Plekanec, but technically not on the All-Star roster. Interesting move for Team Kostitsyn.

Price: Hey man, have the Sedins and Kesler flown in from Vancouver yet? They're supposed to be bringing me a "care package" from home, you know? West Coast baby! [Agent whispers into Price's ear] Didn't get through customs? Five to ten years? Shiiiiiiittt. Alright, I pick that stripper from Supersexe. You know the one. Gotta give Kaner and the Staal boys some motivation, eh?

McGuire: That's a SEXY PICK FROM CAREY PRICE! CAREY PRICE!! CAAAREEEEEE PRIIIIICE!!!!

Duthie: Andrei?

Andrei: Carey Price.

McKenzie: Wait. What? Can he ... holy shit, there's nothing in the rules says he can't do that.

Price: Mindblow. Andrei, you just blew my fuckin' mind dude! I'm taking Ovie. Ovie's the man.

Andrei:  Ovie is good pick. I will take Ovie too.

Duthie: Fuck me, you're stupid. HE JUST FUCKING PICKED ... Seriously, I'm gonna beat your ass Kostitsyn.

Price: Hey, is my cousin here? Lord knows nobody else on the Coyotes would be. My mom says I better take him or my Aunt Milly will never let her hear the end of it.

Duthie: Shane Doan adds some punch to Team Price.

Andrei: My cousin Vadim Sushko is playing for Shakhtar Soligorsk. He also all-star for me.

McKenzie: I'm done. [Walks off set].

McGuire: Just took Bobby McKenzie's coffee! AWESOME BY ME!! PHANEUFOSITY!!!

Price: Kaner says Toews is a funny dude stoned. Plus him and me kicked it old school in that shootout in Grand Forks, dude. Man, I was sooooo high for that game.

Duthie: Okay, let's move this along. Andrei. Lord help us.

Andrei: Malkin.

Duthie: FUCKING HELL, ANDREI! Hey, that pick makes sense. Wait - no, no it doesn't. Malkin's hurt. Fuck my life.

Price: Hey, Jeff Skinner still on the board? Need a back up to show me around Raleigh if the Staaler gets arrested.

Andrei: Tim Thomas.

Duthie: Huh? [leans over to McGuire] I think that dunce might actually have a clue.

McGuire: TOTALLY!!!!! HE'S A DOUBLE DION PICKER!!!!!

Duthie: Shut it.

Price: Carey ... Corey. Carey ... Corey. Hey man, did anyone else notice that Corey Perry's name and my name are really close? It's like one letter off. Nice. He can be on my team.

Duthie: Alright dumbass, who do you like?

Andrei: I like Double Cheeseburger.

Duthie: No, for your pick, Andrei. You pick?

Andrei: I pick Double Cheeseburger.

McGuire: DOUBLE CHEEEESE!!!!! BAMMO!!!! BLEAAARRRGHHH!!!!! [Head explodes].

Price: Hey, who do you think would pull more chicks, Shea Weber or Steve Stamkos?

Duthie: Take them both so we can get the fuck out of here.

Price: Duthie, dude! Done.

Duthie: Andrei?

Andrei: Phil Kessel.

Duthie: That's the dumbest fucking pick yet. [Throws chair and storms off in disgust].

Andrei: So I is winner, yes?

Price: Dude, totally. Let's go get some fucking tacos.

58 comments:

iRiRi said...

1. Now, THIS is a sexy Friday! Keep 'em, coming!

2. Fucking hilarious. A+, 10! I can't stop laughing and people are starting to stare. Help! I swear, AK's "shoot puck-score goal" vocabulary never gets old.

Steve said...

Well done 10, and is lung capacity not part of the skills competition?

HabsFan29 said...

without hyperbole, greatest post ever. + a zillion, 10

Mcplooge's head exploding FTW!

lehab said...

I think this may be the best post of the year. fucking hilarious

Flying Toaster said...

Are you sure Double Cheeseburger isn't Martin Gerber?

L Dude said...

That is one fucking all star game I'd pay good fucking money to see! POTY so far, 10. My favourite is the Price selection by AK. Fucking brilliant!

Moey said...

@10, you sure didn't miss and hit the wall with this one. It's funny and sad both at the same time, because, uh dude that's exactly how it would go down.

the Maritimer said...

Fucking hilarious!!

What's a double dion?

moeman said...

Man I needed a laugh today and this fucking delivered big tits time! Fucking genius HF10™. GorGeous graphics GG.

Steve said...

I am all fucked up, I held an allstar party and everyone left when they saw no TITS. I tried to explain. I rented the booze and the smoke was not going to stick around.

What I learned, hockey is a business, fuck that hurt.

Number31 said...

Heh, Phaneufosity.

I was hoping one of Team Wood or Team Cardboard would have picked BizNasty...then go on a rant when told Mr. BizNasty is currently in Vegas.

Bill 101 said...

fucking brilliant dude

wv: "perfect" I shit you not

HabsFan29 said...

suck it Phil Kessel, Mr Irrelevant. you're lucky you got picked at all

the Maritimer said...

Sort of symbolic, player picked last from a doormat team.

If anyone is interested there is a leaf fan blog at the Toronto Star with a guest columnist writing about the smorgasborg of talent that has been assembled by Brian Burke. I can't tell if he is really serious or not.

Number31 said...

Elliotte Friedman reports Price is up early at the morning skate with half a dozen other guys (goalies and defencemen, guess the forwards were partying). What a trooper!

I'm kind of upset Kessel was last because now he's being interviewed everywhere and has the personality and outspoken ability of a wet paper bag.

Habsswede said...

Funny shit.
Greetings from Sweden!

Orangeman said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Ronan said...

From the press release HI/O got:

"BlackBerry NHL Breakaway Challenge™

[...] Each skater will attempt four shots - with no limits. Shooters can start their attempt from anywhere with full access to the offensive zone, including behind the net."

"Breakaway"
"anywhere with full access to the offensive zone, including behind the net"

Um, guys? You DO know what a breakaway is, right?

HabsFan29 said...

do I have to watch 3 hours of the skills comp? is it required? or can i get a life?

HabsFan29 said...

Ca-rey! I like the Ole! song as he entered. I did not like Chara following him

HabsFan29 said...

PFK!

Number31 said...

Haha Thomas.

Number31 said...

Love that PK is getting tons of love from the media and other fans for the show he put on tonight. Frontpage on TSN too! He "gets it" as McSplooge would say (and the panel basically did say that). I can hear Mike Richards and Don Cherry grinding their teeth from here.

dennis said...

suck it some more kessel and leaf

Number31 said...

I wonder if PK will sneak into at least one period of the ASG with Skinner's sweater on...

HabsFan29 said...

CBC is in hell - hockey vs. curling.

do i have to watch this?

HabsFan29 said...

Carolina's greatest hockey heroes! Brind'amour! Francis!

HabsFan29 said...

and that's it for Carolina's greatest hockey heroes

HabsFan29 said...

TFS standing next to Chara. they probably want to kill each other

HabsFan29 said...

woohoo! All-Star game puck drop!

zzzzzzz

HabsFan29 said...

i went to the bathroom i came back it was 3-0. that's hockey!

Orangeman said...

VS has Cam Ward giving analysis while on the ice. This confused me to no end for the first 10 minutes.

Orangeman said...

Not to beat a dead horse (I prefer to beat live ones) but all the things that make hockey great are the exact reasons why the ASG sucks. It`s because the game is usually so intense and there is a threat of being hurt that it`s so captivating. In baseball, basketball, even football, you can still do your thing but in hockey you have to hold back. Meh.

Cam isn`t happy VS announcer brought up the possibility of a shutout 5 mins ago.

HabsFan29 said...

4-4 "thriller" after one

Number31 said...

Highlight so far? Eric Staal mic'd up and squealing randomly around the ice.

LeBuuuuut said...

It's Price time in America.

Number31 said...

Trying very hard to get Skinner a goal but he keeps missing.

Orangeman said...

VS has not mentioned one thing that`s going on on the ice this period. It makes it hard to have it on in the background while I do other things. Got a full on Ron Francis interview though.

Number31 said...

Price is used to guys not playing in front of him eh.

LeBuuuuut said...

A 2 on 0? Come on...

Number31 said...

Well that wasn't very nice, Letang... Right in the face.

Moey said...

Is Skinner the only one playing out there? I'm in and out of the room and it's the only name I keep hearing.

LeBuuuuut said...

Screw Briere

Orangeman said...

This is looking more and more like a Habs game. No hitting, unnecessary passing when you have a clear path to the net, no D in front of Price.

Orangeman said...

Is there any way, legal or otherwise, we can get Rick Nash on the Habs

Number31 said...

I see Kessel is totally making up for that last man drafted shaft eh?

I expect Kypreos will write another article on how being picked last CRUSHED Kessel's confidence and that's why he's Mr. Invisible today.

LeBuuuuut said...

this is embarrassing...

Number31 said...

Oh boy Stan Lee's recycled heroes.

LeBuuuuut said...

Dear God,

Please let Chara knock out Thomas.

Thanks.

Orangeman said...

Is Kessel even playing? I haven`t heard his name once. Don`t even remember what team he`s on.

Number31 said...

Second time Price called those right. Also LOL Ovie.

Number31 said...

"Kessel with a shot!" OHHH CBC so excited!

Orangeman said...

Oh, there he is. I have a feeling I`ll bee seeing that shot again and again for the next week.

Bill 101 said...

well, I think there are some pearls in the dirt here. Thomas is amusing. Price didn't get hurt (yet)

Best is from Briere's kid. Highlight of entire weekend? Spending some time with his dad.

cbc moment - like totally

Orangeman said...

Was Timmy about to smash his stick against the post after that goal? He`s that kid who flipped the Monopoly board when he landed on Boardwalk.

Number31 said...

Let's go get some fucking tacos!

HabsFan29 said...

now the Pro Bowl. it's Useless Day in sports

Kmaxx said...

Didn't watch the game - don't know the score - don't care about Bettmanfest '11 - but that post was the funniest of the year! Awesome Dude!