Friday, January 28, 2011
The Totally Shocking NHL All-Star Fantasy Draft Goes Live! - All-Star Weekend Preview and Game Open Thread
James Duthie: Here we are live from the NHL Fantasy All-Star draft on TSN. A surprising day when NHLPA reps said they would go on strike if mega-talented Andrei Kostitsyn wasn't added to the All-Star game and made captain, opposite his superstar goalie teammate Carey Price. Kostitsyn has won the toss, so he gets to pick first. Andrei, you're on the clock.
Andrei: I pick for All Starring game Sergei. My brother all-star yes?
Duthie: Um ... no. Ruling?
NHL Reps: Fuck it. Sergei's in.
McGuire: That's a huge pick by Andrei Kostitsyn! The Tits brothers ride again! Monster! Double Dion!!!
Duthie: Carey Price, you're on the clock.
Price: This game's in Carolina, right? Gotta pick a man who knows where the good shit goes down. Eric Staal. I remember that bachelor party him and his bros had. Hell, gimme Marc and Jordan Staal too man. Let's fuck shit up!
McKenzie: Looks like Team Price is building strength down the middle and on the backline. Great picks.
Andrei Kostitsyn: I am picking Pasquale Mangiola for being All-Star friend.
Duthie: Off the board choice there for Team Kostitsyn!
NHL Rep: Oh, for fucksakes ...
Price: Awesome! Dude, I got Patrick Kane. That guy can party like nobody's business, amIrite?
McGuire: Patrick Kane's a party ANIMAL!!! Team Price is getting loaded! Dion!!! MONSTER!
McKenzie: Christ, McGuire, will you zip it?
Andrei: Is my turn? Tomas Plekanec.
NHL Rep: But he's not ... he isn't even in ... this fucking moron hasn't picked anyone in ... I quit. No, I'm out. Fuck it.
McKenzie: Great two-way player, Tomas Plekanec, but technically not on the All-Star roster. Interesting move for Team Kostitsyn.
Price: Hey man, have the Sedins and Kesler flown in from Vancouver yet? They're supposed to be bringing me a "care package" from home, you know? West Coast baby! [Agent whispers into Price's ear] Didn't get through customs? Five to ten years? Shiiiiiiittt. Alright, I pick that stripper from Supersexe. You know the one. Gotta give Kaner and the Staal boys some motivation, eh?
McGuire: That's a SEXY PICK FROM CAREY PRICE! CAREY PRICE!! CAAAREEEEEE PRIIIIICE!!!!
Andrei: Carey Price.
McKenzie: Wait. What? Can he ... holy shit, there's nothing in the rules says he can't do that.
Price: Mindblow. Andrei, you just blew my fuckin' mind dude! I'm taking Ovie. Ovie's the man.
Andrei: Ovie is good pick. I will take Ovie too.
Duthie: Fuck me, you're stupid. HE JUST FUCKING PICKED ... Seriously, I'm gonna beat your ass Kostitsyn.
Price: Hey, is my cousin here? Lord knows nobody else on the Coyotes would be. My mom says I better take him or my Aunt Milly will never let her hear the end of it.
Duthie: Shane Doan adds some punch to Team Price.
Andrei: My cousin Vadim Sushko is playing for Shakhtar Soligorsk. He also all-star for me.
McKenzie: I'm done. [Walks off set].
McGuire: Just took Bobby McKenzie's coffee! AWESOME BY ME!! PHANEUFOSITY!!!
Price: Kaner says Toews is a funny dude stoned. Plus him and me kicked it old school in that shootout in Grand Forks, dude. Man, I was sooooo high for that game.
Duthie: Okay, let's move this along. Andrei. Lord help us.
Duthie: FUCKING HELL, ANDREI! Hey, that pick makes sense. Wait - no, no it doesn't. Malkin's hurt. Fuck my life.
Price: Hey, Jeff Skinner still on the board? Need a back up to show me around Raleigh if the Staaler gets arrested.
Andrei: Tim Thomas.
Duthie: Huh? [leans over to McGuire] I think that dunce might actually have a clue.
McGuire: TOTALLY!!!!! HE'S A DOUBLE DION PICKER!!!!!
Duthie: Shut it.
Price: Carey ... Corey. Carey ... Corey. Hey man, did anyone else notice that Corey Perry's name and my name are really close? It's like one letter off. Nice. He can be on my team.
Duthie: Alright dumbass, who do you like?
Andrei: I like Double Cheeseburger.
Duthie: No, for your pick, Andrei. You pick?
Andrei: I pick Double Cheeseburger.
McGuire: DOUBLE CHEEEESE!!!!! BAMMO!!!! BLEAAARRRGHHH!!!!! [Head explodes].
Price: Hey, who do you think would pull more chicks, Shea Weber or Steve Stamkos?
Duthie: Take them both so we can get the fuck out of here.
Price: Duthie, dude! Done.
Andrei: Phil Kessel.
Duthie: That's the dumbest fucking pick yet. [Throws chair and storms off in disgust].
Andrei: So I is winner, yes?
Price: Dude, totally. Let's go get some fucking tacos.