Friday, September 26, 2008

No Sex in the Champagne Room 100th Anniversary Extravaganza: Bell Centre Beer

FHF, in conjunction with Telefilm Canada and StripperCorp, is pleased to offer our Habs season preview with no cover charge. For FHF virgins, you may want to review our trademarked Stripperriffic Rating System before tipping the bouncer.

Unlike last year, this season we won't be doing reviews player by player. That was fucking insane. Instead, we'll take a look at the offensive forwards, the defensive forwards, the D and the goalies. But along the way, we'll also be previewing some non-traditional hockey stuff, yet that are still an integral part of the Habs season. Today, we get things going with a preview of the swill they call beer at the Bell Centre.

The tits - it's beer. It (probably) has 5% alcohol by volume. Drink enough you'll get drunk. If you sit in the Molson Ex Zone, you may get one for free.

The cellulite - my god that shit is gross. Allegedly "draft Molson Ex", it tastes like really fizzy skanky water (at best). It will make you run to the bathroom once the tap is open like you can't even imagine. What comes out of your dick at that point probably tastes better than what went in your mouth. Not to mention you paid $9.50 for it.

The armpit hair - overly carbonated, they slap that plastic cup on the top of a huge pile of foam, so when you open it at your seat the foam spills all over your lap. Conveniently, this allows you to piss your pants without much of a difference, so it's a mixed blessing.

In the VIP Room - now, Lord knows I am not one to praise Toronto. But go to the ACC. Revel in the multiple Molson products they have on tap. Revel in the various premium brands and microbrews you can buy in a bottle. Grrrr, I'm getting angry. Shit, our building isn't called the Molson Centre anymore, why the fuck are we still serving that crap?

Chez Parée bound? you could lick the floor at Chez Parée and get a better flavour than Bell Centre beer. This shit wouldn't be served at a topless car wash in Candiac, let alone a top quality adult entertainment establishment. However, I predict I will still drink it when I go to games. BECAUSE I HAVE NO FUCKING CHOICE.

Signature song - "Too Drunk to Fuck" by Dead Kennedys. The only reason you're drinking this blech is to get plastered. Make sure you listen to that song all the way to the end for the awesome puke sound effect.

0.0005 lap dances (out of 10) - No beer gets a zero in my book. But fuck this one comes close.

4 AM Smoked Meat Sandwich:

HF10 - Capitals fans get to choose from at least a half-dozen microbrews on tap at the Verizon Centre. The ACC has it's own fucking BREWERY on site, for Guy's sake. Bell Centre beer is the Breezer of the Habs Gameday experience.

Panger - Bell Centre beer? Get drunk before the game. Drink beer at Hurley’s after the game. Smoke pot during the intermissions.

HF4 - I can't believe the girl in the pic is crazy enough to spill that tiny drop of beer, i.e. 89$ worth of Bell Centre beer, all over herself.


Bob said...

Where there’s will, there is hope.

The first step is to stop for beers before the game.

Should you be a fucking suit sitting in the reds you can have bottled beers (even imports) and you can put them on your expenses account cause they’ll even give you a receipt.

For the rest of us cheap bastards here are a few hints. Throw a shot of Jack Daniels in that cheap plastic glass. You will always be able to blame the funny taste on the Jack and you should get shit faced quicker.

To avoid the fucking foam party to go on when you get to your seat, make sure you have to big gulp before putting the cap on and leaving the stand.

The ACC’s best item is still the fucking beer cap that allows you to drink your beer with the cap on. No mishaps with your neighbour and no spillage under your seat so your fucking shoes get soaked. Thanks to that you don’t have to argue with the cops that you only had 2 beers and your wife can’t tell you that you smell like the bottom of the barrel.

I’m going for my first fucking Bell Center Beer of the year tonight, so piss on.

Flying Toaster said...

Alright, this has nothing to do with tonight's game, but i felt i had to point it out:

''The National Hockey League has great potential for development in Asia,'' said Thomas Kressner, the CEO of Yes TV. ''We are thrilled to be able to bring another big American sport to Asian sports fans.''

So... Hockey is a big American sport now?

Anonymous said...

Re you fuckhat's earlier post, like yesterday,or whenever, the one with the fucking brilliant reference to Rachmaninoff:

Good post you big giant knobs.

Further to your reference to Rachmaninoff, Kovalev has stated more than once that his game is influenced by the tortured modernist Soviet composer Dmitri Shostakovich.

And, as we all know, the Brothers Tits often cite the early work of Malevich, a painter and art theoretician, pioneer of geometric abstract art and the originator of the Avant-garde Suprematist movement.

And as for our beloved Habs from closer to home, Chris Higgins readily admits that were it not for the early and energetic work of the painter Jackson Pollock (not the work of the later deeply alcoholic years, when tragically Mr. Pollock, his Buick, and his 13 year old ‘niece’ finally and fatally plunged off the road at great speed and struck a large Elm tree, this being a time long before Dutch Elm disease had blighted those beautiful specimens), his game would have had no grounding, no substance.

Pants to you.


Habsfan10 said...

Jeff, I always thought Kovalev was more of a Rimsky-Korsakov kind of guy. And his hard work last year was clearly inspired by Ilya Repin's painting of the Volga Barge Haulers.

Pants right back atcha.

Le P'tit Viking said...

For the games when they wear the historical jerseys, will they also charge the historically-appropriate price for beer?

Guy said...

Without a big center, and a net crashing power foward, the Canadiens will continue to be a playoff fraud forever, didnt the Flyers series teach you losers anything.

Le P'tit Viking said...

Big Centre: GB Lang.

Power Forward: Max-Pac.

Parade: The usual route.

Flying Toaster said...

Anyone else listening to the game on the radio?

HabsFan29 said...

@FT - ive just had a pre-meth hit nap, now im ready for the US prez debate. ive turned on CJAD and its 0-0. did i miss anything?

HabsFan29 said...

@ le PV - attaway to defend the turf. you'd figure some dude named Guy would be more of a Habs fan

HabsFan29 said...

oh i missed writing this:

(little) TITS!!!!!!

hey, anyone notice there's a photo of a chick pouring beer on her fun parts in this post? hellooooo. THAT's what you should do with Bell Centre beer

Flying Toaster said...

So it's 4-0 for Montreal... A sign of things to come? Or all the good mojo wasted in a pre-season game?

HabsFan29 said...

@FT - wasted mojo. but we all know im the pessimist around here

Flying Toaster said...

Subban! Subban! Subban! Subban! Subban!

Doogie2K said...

Another option would be to buy a Coke, and then add in a conveniently smuggled shot or two of rum. Also cheaper, probably better-tasting, and less likely to make you piss yourself, at least in my experience. Or have buddies over for a 2-4 before/after the game.

Also, the Saddledome also has lids for its beer cups. In a strange twist, though, it has a straw hole, where the suds can leak out if you're too vigourous. What kind of twat drinks beer out of a straw?

Jeremy said...

Or you could always just smuggle in a couple of king cans, buy one "beer" from the vendors and drink real swill all night for a fraction of the price. Just gotta make sure your swagger is properly adjusted to walking with a can down each pant leg...