Thursday, April 14, 2011
Maclean: Less than one year after they suffered a catastrophic semifinal defeat to the Philadelphia Flyers after leading the series 3-0, Zdeno Chara, Tim Thomas and the rest of the Bruins resume their quest for Lord Stanley's Mug on CBC tonight at 7pm in Beantown. Cam Neely watches on from the President's box as the Big Bad Bruins go for some silver to match their traditional black and gold, tonight on CBC Hockey Night in Canada! With me as always is Boston's favourite son, Donald S. Cherry.
Cherry: Whoooaaaaa!!! The Boston Garden loves me. I gotta say, that Karboorlay, he's from the Leafs, that guy is dynomite. And that Chara, Looocic, those guys are just like Bobby and Cashman, who I had back in the day. We're ready tonight, that's for sure!
Maclean: Don, what do the Bruins have to do tonight to get past last year's collapse?
Cherry: Well, you know that sort of thing can make you a bitter, angry, xenophobic jerk if you aren't careful, kinda like it did to me when we lost the 1979 semifinals. You know, kinda like how Leaf fans feel about Kerry Fraser in 1993. Those Leafs though, next year, they're gonna do it, you betcha! That Ryemar, he's somethin'.
Maclean: Well noted. Over to the panel for more on the Bruins.
Panel lead by Maclean with Mike Milbury, Garry Galley, Glen Healy and PJ Stock.
Maclean (out of breath after running up stairs from ice level): First game of the 2011 playoffs for the Bruins tonight, with a supercharged atmosphere due to the recent history between Boston and their opponents. Thoughts?
Milbury jumps in immediately: Well, their opponents are obviously a bunch of cheating, diving, whining pussies who can't even handle a routine hockey play like driving a man's head into the stanchion, hitting him with an elbow pad in a scrap or going into the crowd to wail on a man with his own shoe. Fucking pansies.
Healy: Plus, the Bruins have better goaltending, defence, forwards, size, speed, looks, fighters, celebrity fans, colours and tv advertisements than their opponents tonight, who are all tiny ballet dancers with no heart and pee their pants at the slightest hint of contact.
Stock: I love Bruins. I love ... hockey player. I love ... lamp.
Maclean: Well said, PJ. Love Bruins indeed. But what of the pressure on Boston's opponent's goaltender, who must try to emulate his predecessor who cost the CBC untold millions when we picked another first round matchup to show last season and ignored millions of viewers?
Milbury shouts over everyone: Why, that guy can barely fight. He could have killed Tim Thomas if he was a real man, but he didn't even try to beat him to death with his blocker or a stanchion or a shoe, like any self-respecting Bruin would have. If I was the GM of that team, I would totally trade him for the 2011 equivalent of Oleg Kvasha and Mark Parrish and choose a far inferior, injury prone goalie 1st overall in the draft, ignoring two bonafide 50 goal snipers in the process. That'll teach him.
Stock: I killed a man with a trident.
Milbury: CAUSE YOU'RE A MAN, PJ!!! THAT'S WHY YOU KILLED A MAN WITH A TRIDENT!!!
Stock: I don't know why we're yelling. Loud noises!
Galley: See, that's the problem right there, is the Bruins opponent doesn't have any trident killing skill. They're all busy shutting teams down defensively, getting superior goaltending, trying to be opportunistic on the powerplay. But that sort of thing won't work against this big, tough, talented, stanchion crushing Bruins team, just like it didn't work all season long or last playoffs. They're just not good enough to be a National Hockey League team at all. No wonder they lost every game versus the Bruins for the last 50 years and only made the playoffs due to luck and shootout wins. It's scientific fact that the Bruins are better in every single possible way.
Maclean: Speaking of scientific fact, we've got Cassie Campbell down outside the Bruins dressing room with noted medical expert Dr. Mark Recchi. Cassie?
Cassie Campbell: Right, thanks Ron. I'm here with noted concussion expert and Bruins veteran Dr. Mark Recchi. Dr. Recchi, what are your totally valid and not at all inflammatory feelings about Zdeno Chara's obvious hockey play from earlier this year?
Dr. Recchi: Well, Cassie, if there's anything I learned from my numerous medical degrees from Hollywood Upstairs Medical College, the University of Animal Husbandry of West Monrovia, and Queen's University, plus the stuff I learned through careful study of every single documented case of concussion ever in the history of the world, it's that no one would ever watch a movie ever again after a concussion. And walking with any concussion symptoms or tweeting or even speaking coherently means that the person is obviously faking to get Zdeno suspended. In fact, I would wager all those knee injuries to our opponent's defence are all fake too, since they all seem to be able to give interviews and eat in restaurants, and as my extensive knowledge of medicine shows, those things are impossible with a knee injury. I also notice your lips seem incredibly bright and glossy; you should get that checked because it is definitely polio. I'm a noted medical expert, regularly asked my opinion on greater Boston media outlets, so you should heed my advice.
Cassie: Uh, I'm wearing lip gloss. It's not polio.
Dr. Recchi: Well, that's what I expected you to say. The mind is the first thing to go with polio. Look at poor Eric Lindros.
Cassie: Lindros doesn't have polio, and neither do I.
Dr. Recchi: Aren't you a trooper. Remind me of my good friend John Cullen after he was diagnosed with rabies. Lost all his hair from the leeching we performed.
Maclean: Cassie, PJ says he has a question for Dr. Recchi.
PJ: Excuse me, Cassie?
Cassie: Yes? What is it, PJ?
PJ: I would like to extend to you an invitation to the pants party.
Cassie: Excuse me?
PJ: [struggling] The... party. With the... with the pants. Party with pants?
Cassie: PJ, are you saying that there's a party in your pants and that I'm invited?
PJ: That's it.
Cassie: Did Milbury tell you to say this, PJ?
PJ: No. Yes. He did.
Cassie: Okay. No. I don't want to go to a party in your pants.
PJ: Very well. Glen, would you like to go to a party in my pants?
Healy: No, PJ.
Cherry interrupts: Ya know who deserves a pants party? Nazdaq Kaldrah, that's who! Why Brian Burke didn't keep this kid up all year is beyond me! Scored 3 goals in the preseason and was a plus 1! And faceoffs! If they had kept that Ziger... uh, Zeegah ... uh, Zig-oh-man-is up to kill penalties and take faceoffs, the Leafs would have won the division! Makes me sadder than when one of our beautiful boys or girls in the army comes home dead because some Liberal pinko cancelled a jet fighter project!
Milbury: YOU KNOW WHO NEEDS TO SHOW RESPECT? THAT KID, YOU KNOW, THE UPPITY ONE. NO SHOWBOATING, NO BACKING AWAY FROM FIGHTS. HE NEEDS TO MAN UP, JUMP INTO THE OPPOSING TEAMS BENCH AND SMASH SOMEBODY IN THE FACE WITH A SHOVEL. NONE OF THIS DIPSY DOODLING, SCORING GOALS AND PLAYING GREAT DEFENCE. THAT'S NOT HOCKEY! DISRESPECTFUL.
Cherry: Ya, that Pee-Kay Sooblab is a real troublemaker! Could learn a few things about respect from a good Canadian boy like Mike Richards.
Maclean: To be fair, I believe PK Subban is Canadian.
Cherry: Not MY Canada, he ain't. Same as all those frogs in Frenchietown. Leafs don't have any of those guys. Just good, solid Canadian boys like Phanoaf and Koolieman and Kessel.
PJ: I ate a big, red candle. It didn't taste like the Kool-Aid man at all.
Maclean: Alright, we're almost ready for puck drop. Predictions for the series?
Milbury: Bruins in 4.
Healy: Bruins in 4.
Galley: Bruins in 4.
PJ: Foreign Bruins.
Cherry: Leafs in six. Let's go!
Maclean: Now, up to Bob Cole in the booth. Bob?