Thursday, September 30, 2010

So You think You Can GM? Cruisin' the Goalies and Prospects


So, you think you can GM? Ya, you and all the guys on Antichambre, the louts in the cheap seats, Jack Todd, H/IO's mouthbreathers, and every Jean, Richard and Henri on the street. You know what? YOU'RE ALL CRAZY. Just like our celebrity guest GM's. 
 
Hello. As you all know, I'm Tom Cruise and you're not. Although Tom Cruise has only seen an ice hockey match on the television, as an achiever of 19th level Dynamics and a Hollywood actor, Tom Cruise has great & true insight into what ails your sagging ice hockey franchise. I understand the fans of your ice hockey organization are growing impatient since it's last victorious ice hockey season. You believe your ice hockey team has been waiting a long time? TRY HAVING YOUR SOUL COOPED UP UNDERNEATH A VOLCANO FOR A TRILLION YEARS. Have your ice hockey team's managers made mistakes? As I said as Mr. Maverick in the blockbuster Top Gun:  "This is what I call a target rich environment." Mr. Maverick, I MEAN TOM CRUISE,  has your answers.

The enlightened gentlemen of the FHF (the Operating Thetan is strong in them) have asked Tom Cruise to explain what went wrong with your ice hockey organization's off season goalkeeping choices and pre-season roster selections. Why Tom Cruise? Young men who choose to become goaltenders have obviously been fed prescription medications from a young age.And when it comes to prospects, well, believe Tom Cruise when he tells you - not Tom Cruise - that Tom Cruise knows about the importance of developing younger talent: each of Tom Cruise's partners has been 11 years younger than the last. Also, the study and handling of the spirit in relationship to itself, others, and all of life will lead to a deeper understanding of how to establish a relationship with the Supreme Being, the Lord Stanley and his Cup.

1. Goalkeeping Choices

Your ice hockey team OUGHT TO HAVE TRADED MR. PRICE INSTEAD OF MR. HALAK. Your ice hockey club should have attempted to sign Mr. Halak. As Tom Cruise said as Mr. Jerry Maguire in the modern Hollywood classic of the same name: "Show ME the MONEY!!!!" Tom Cruise knows that acquiesing to Mr. Halak's contract demands would have precluded the signing of a certain Mr. Plekanec. As you know, Tom Cruise has a HUGE fan following on Twitter. Despite the 'twits' of his agent, with patience and perseverance and without the use of prescription medication, your ice hockey team would have signed Mr. Halak for EXACTLY the same price as Mr. Price - AT THAT PRICE, THE PRICE WOULD HAVE BEEN RIGHT - UNLIKE THE PRICE NOW BEING PAID TO MR. PRICE, WHICH PRICE IS WRONG!!!

As Tom Cruise said as Mr. Frank T.J. Mackey in the smash feature film Magnolia: "In this life, it's not what you hope for, it's not what you deserve - it's what you take!" Your ice hockey team should have taken Mr. Halak as their starting goalkeeper - no matter the past accomplishments and potential of Mr. Price. What accomplishments? They are extremely limited to championships at every other level - but NOT THE NHL, except for winning that playoff series oh so long ago, a couple of years past. And what potential? Just because every other goalie picked in the top 5 of the NHL entry draft  who managed to stay healthy has become a star DOESN'T MEAN MR. PRICE WILL. More importantly, Mr. Price is already a whopping - WHOPPING! - 23 years old, making him only 9 (not 11) years younger than Tom Cruise's captive partner, Ms. Katie Holmes, SO HE CAN'T GET ANY BETTER.

Even worse, your ice hockey team acquired a Dane in the transaction. As Tom Cruise is constantly trying to indoctrinate explain to Ms. Holmes and her young child, DO NOT TRUST A DANE. All of Tom Cruise's Hollywood contracts require that not a single person working with Tom Cruise can be Danish or of Danish ancestry, from fellow actors to non-key grips. That dirty Dane - Tom Cruisie cannot even write the name - may look like he has soft hands, an absolutely incredible skating stride and size lacking down the middle not seen on your ice hockey club for years, but don't be fooled: he's still a dirty Dane and doomed to disaster and ruin. Unike Tom Cruise's recent film work.

It also stands to reason that despite Mr. Halak's playoff run, your ice hockey team would have acquired much more value in a trade for Mr. Price. In fact, it is so reasonable that TOM CRUISE DOES NOT NEED TO EXPLAIN IT.

Also, how could any professional sports team sign an admittedly bald man? Especially when this mane was available.

C. Roster Selections

Tom Cruise believes on a deep spiritual level, and as a result it is true, that your ice hockey club's management has made several outright and egregious errors - EGREGIOUS ERRORS! - it it's selection of players to be demoted. It appears that positions are dependant on previous exploits and contract status rather than actual skill. Not that I have any experience with such things, but that doesn't stop Tom Cruise from being absolutely infallible.

Second, how could your ice hockey team keep [White/Patches/Maxwell] rather than [White/Patches/Maxwell]? It is obvious to anyone who has watched a preseason ice hockey match involving [White/Patches/Maxwell] that he was much better prepared to contribute to your ice hockey club's season than [White/Patches/Maxwell] and that one decision will be the difference between a 14th place finish and a 2nd place finish.

Fifthly, how could a player as reputably talented as Mr. Ovechkin not even earn a pre-season match? I am of course, referring to the famously great Mr. Avtsin, who was HUGE in Moscow - scoring 3 key goals in a notoriously stingy Russian league - not be pampered and handed a roster spot? IT'S WHAT GOOD MANGERS DO WITH TOM CRUISE.

In the third place, just the addition of a Mr. David Fischer to the roster, being the son of Mr. Red, would have instantly catapulted YOUR ice hockey team back into the top of the tables, through sheer spirit and emotional connection to the glory years of yore. EMOTIONAL YORE, TOM CRUISE SAYS, IS THE KEY TO SUCCESS! Emotional yore is what made the Top Gun volleyball scene great. That and Tom Cruise's 3-sock-enhanced package.

Tom Cruise will leave all you ice hockey fans of this great ice hockey team with on final piece of advice, and as I said as Mr. Vincent in the all-time classic, Collateral: "Get with it. Millions of galaxies of hundreds of millions of stars, in a speck on one in a blink. That's us, lost in space. The cop, you, me... Who notices?"

LIKE EVERYTHING ELSE TOM CRUISE HAS SAID AND BELIEVES, THIS QUOTE IS ABSOLUTELY TRUE IF YOU JUST DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.

28 comments:

HabsFan29 said...

this post is so full of win I don't even know where to start. "emotional yore" needs to enter the English language lexicon NOW

soperman said...

Just repeating "ice hockey" cracked me up. Brilliant 33.

soperman said...

Oh yeah, that picture of the goat is just wrong! As wrong as McSplooge interviewing Sidney Crosby in his underwear. But funny.

Bill101 said...

creepy - on a few levels

bravo

looking forward to actual ice hockey

Number31 said...

Needs more sofa jumping.

HFF33 aka Panger said...

You have to picture Tom Cruise jumping on a couch the entire time. It really brings the whole thing together.

Seriosuly, though, can we, as a collective fan base, just move from the Halak trade? We'll omly know the real result in 2-3 years, when he see if the Dirty Dane works out and if Price can stay chill and still stop a puck.

In teh meantime, I'm excited to see Eller and White (crosses fingers) and TurtlePleks and Big Tits. Not so sure about CHicken.

Obsidianrock said...

I'm more disturbed about the pic of PG in skinny jeans.

My eyes are now permanently damaged after washing them out with Javex to remove that image my retinas.

Great stuff 33

Number31 said...

Think they'll have a presentation for Gio tonight? Will they bring the torch out of the Canadiens Hall of Fame and pass it around? Or will Gio light the rink on fire (loved that from the playoffs)?

It's another shitty night for a hockey game. The Sabres always bring the rain. It's also another one of those pre-season experimental lineups. Darche-Eller-Kostitsyn? O'Byrne-Henry (aka TOWER OF POWERful turnovers) and Picard-Weber pairings on D. I pity thee, Alex Bauld...

moeman said...

Instant classic.

moeman said...

Off topic but NHL2K11 for iOS is available for .99 cents;

Yes I know this'll mean i29 has to forget getting new oven mitts for a few weeks.

RiRi said...

The mane joke did it for me... until I paid close attention to the picture and noticed John Travolta and Will Smith staring at the crazy!

Useless fact: Tom Cruise and Gio are the same height. It's a sign.

GYFHG!!!

Moey said...

Great post, cracked me up.

I need new oven mitts, I burned my thumb the other night.

HabsFan29 said...

Moey, it sounds cheap, but I buy all my oven mitts at the dollar store. they've served me well, and they are famous

GYF Alex Auld!

moeman said...

Ah tsn, bringing on your Habs hate early. Yes, we know Tyler Myers is bigger than most Habs forwards. He's bigger than almost all NHL forwards. Habs average size of forwards is bigger than your fucking pathetic leaf. Mention that you fuckers. NB - The stupid size comment was mouth by james duthie who is all of 5'2" and he lifts.

HabsFan29 said...

i'm rooting for the Sabres uniforms. gorgeous

Moey said...

29,

I'll check that out next time I'm there. I was in "Le Panier" in Pointe Claire village the other day, nice mitts but there's no effin' way I'm spending $9.00 on one mitt.

HabsFan29 said...

1-0 Sabres uniforms. another PP goal against. we have penalty issues

HabsFan29 said...

we have power play issues too. ugh

Ronan said...

I think it's time to end this "one defenseman in the slot" experiment.

And decline the 5-on-3s, too.

moeman said...

Um, CH marketing DJs, ditCH da U2 and play some Arcade Fire.

BTW, FHF kidz, if you haven't, fire up Safari or CHrome and enjoy
what is probably the coolest interactive moment you'll spend
until October 7th in here of course.

2-2

BTW, is it wrong to call Ryan White, Ryan LeBlanc?

moeman said...

Timmy, Bobby, Gordy, Scotty, Bummy, Booby, Buddy, man does McSploogy have a fetish for calling grown men with little boy names?

4-2, cue, the, ...

HabsFan29 said...

moe that interactive piece was a doozy. much fun. unlike this game now

GoldenGirl11 said...

UFO SPOTTED OVER THE BELL CENTRE!

Kidding, just waking myself up.

HFF33 aka Panger said...

Rhino has just played himself off the team.

Like to see Laps turn into Mad Max! Didn;t do too bad either. I think he's afraid Ryan White will take his place.

Oh, and White My Boy. I've finally finished mourning Kyle Chipchura.

HFF33 aka Panger said...

White is My Boy. Goddam I'm lazy.

Moey said...

Aaaarrghhh. For some reason FHF takes forever to connect and then it scrolls like a snail. Good ole blogger.

Anyhoo, our PP sucks. Les boys look terrible tonight. Gomez wearing 11, Gio the new captain. The Koivu curse.

Ian Vitro said...

EPIC.

Number31 said...

Needs more actual roster.