Friday, October 01, 2010

There's a Certain Sheen on Sexy Friday - It's Spin City for the Defence Preview

Bullet points are late because the GM is hungover for the big TMS/Sexy Friday/Crazy Celebrity Preview:
  • Rain in Wales?  That's umpossible!!  Euro smackdown of US in Ryder Cup slightly delayed because of atrocious (read normal) weather patterns on the Isle of the Britons;
  • Habs lose to Sabres ... was TFS booed?  I assume he was booed.  Powerplay sucks without Markov.  
  • Markov's former powerplay buddies aren't doing so hot ... first Marc Streit goes down hurt, now Sexy Sheldon is on waivers (with Martin Gerber too!).  The Urologist better watch his step;
  • Hey, do you like college football?  Because Florida/Alabama, Texas/Oklahoma and Oregon/Stanford are all going off this Saturday.  It's your last Saturday without real hockey!
You know what this Sexy Friday needs?  A Sexy Preview!

So You Think You Can GM: The Defence Gets a Major League Preview from Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughan

So, you think you can GM? Ya, you and all the guys on Antichambre, the louts in the cheap seats, Jack Todd, H/IO's mouthbreathers, and every Jean, Richard and Henri on the street. You know what? YOU'RE ALL CRAZY. Just like our celebrity guest GM's.

[Bob Gainey and Jacques Martin flank an empty chair in the Canadiens press room. Enter Celebrity GM and star of CBS's hit comedy "Two and a Half Men", Charlie Sheen]

Hey there, wow. I haven't seen this many people at a press conference since I announced my third stint in rehab after the second time I tried to kill Denise Richards. You buncha crazies. I love you all. Not as much as I love hookers and cocaine, but you press guys ... love ya. Stubbs? Boone? Red? Rejean? Brunet? BR? PJ? I love all of you almost as much as I loved porn star Ginger Lynn. Now, I'm not saying I'd want to fake Boone's death, change his looks through plastic surgery and marry him like I wanted to do with Ginger, but all you guys coming to my press conference makes me feel so ... what the fuck, is that Jack Todd!!?!?! Todd!! I told you if I saw you again I'd choke you to death and then stab you more to death! Dammit Todd!! I'm gonna fucking cut y ... [security wrestles GM Sheen to the floor in front of the podium, Doctor Mulder injects him with something].

Where was I? Is this the press conference about 9/11 being a hoax? The defence? Yeah, the defence of the 9/11 apologists is weak, Boone. Absolutely correct, you little scamp. The Habs defence? [Bob Gainey whispers to Sheen] What? I'm the GM of the Montreal Canadiens now?!!?! Holy fuck this is some bender. I'm more confused than the time I bought that sex doll, made two hookers have an orgy with it, then cut off its hand and tossed it in a dumpster. At least I think it was the sex doll I tossed. Hey Dr. Mulder, you got anything stronger?

Okay, well first of all, I think it's time to trade this Andrei Markov guy. Sure, he's as talented as Heidi Fleiss with a rope swing, but he's hurt so much you'd think he was married to me. I'm trading him for Bryan Fogarty. Now that's a strong skating power play quarterback with a nose for ... heh heh, you see what I did there? Somebody tell me what team Fogarty's on. Is he in Florida? Maybe the Panthers will throw Higgins into the deal. I can't put my finger on it but for some reason I like that kid.

This PK Subban. He's fun to watch, makes for a great quote and skates like the wind, but he's as reckless as Tom Sizemore in a Thai whorehouse. Takes too many chances, and I'd prefer my life to be peaceful ... not a lot of craziness going on in Charlie Sheen's world, you know? Unless he calms down I'm sending him to the minors so that David Fischer can play. Fischer never makes the headlines, so he must be doing something right. Maybe keep that Alex Picard too. Pick-ard. Pick. Ard. Pick. Arrrrrd. Reminds me of pick-ax, which is what I'm planting in that fucking ungrateful Jack Todd's head if he comes back in here. Todd!!! I'm watching you, bitch! Todd!!

That Hal Gill and Josh Gorges are somethin', aren't they? I like to call them two and a half men for the way they played in the playoffs. Two and a Half Men. See what I did there? Two and a Half Men. All new episodes on CBS Mondays at 9:00, just after that fucking terrible Rules of Engagement show with David Spade. David Spade? Seriously? How did that little twit date Heather Locklear after I hit on her for like six years on Sin City and got nothing? Spade's the Jaro Spacek of CBS comedy Mondays ... great success as the sidekick to somebody else, and totally overmatched when trying to do too much. He's ugly too. Like that porn star I killed during that layover in Houston on the Scary Movie 4 press junket in 2005. No, not Spade. Spacek. C'mon Tremblay! Try and keep up!

Can I just say, I have no idea why the other guy who does this job lives in Vermont? There aren't nearly the amount of coke dealing hookers and strippers in Vermont that there are in Montreal. I had sex three times on my walk from the hotel to this press conference. I'm spending Roman Hamrlik type money out there. [Jacques Martin tugs sleeve of Sheen's bowling shirt, points to reporters] What?

Yeah, Hamrlik's overpaid. But he's solid. He and that Kostitsyn kid hooked me up with some ... um ... speakers. Yeah, that sounds plausible. Speakers. Reminds me of the time me and Jon Cryer went looking for a hit between tapings and ended up buying a surround sound system out of some dude's trunk in the In-N-Out Burger parking lot on Santa Monica Boulevard. Then I pushed Cryer out of the car and got a hooker. Good times. It was a long time ago, though. Around the time Hamrlik was really good.

Oh hey, Chantal! I didn't notice you there. Did you get my text? About the ... you know? Interested? No? Your friend isn't interested, or you aren't? Cause I can get someone to fill in one of the spots but ... [Gainey frantically whispers to Sheen]

Right, right, the defence. Nice depth. There's all those kids on defence too. Carle, Weber, that Russian guy, the other one with the funny hair, the tall kid that was gonna go to Notre Dame ... hey, my Dad went to Notre Dame on tv. President Bartlett. I wish I could have cameoed on that show. I heard Aaron Sorkin has a mountain of coke on set. So we're good on defence there. Aces and Eights. Speaking of eights, hey, has anyone seen Price? I paid him for an eight-ball ... [Microphone cuts out, Gainey, Martin and numerous security tackle Sheen]


HabsFan29 said...

once again, so much win I don't know where to start. it'll be a real letdown when I do mine Monday

Hadulf said...

Man we iced a bad team last night. We had nothing on defence...Oh wait! WE'RE FUCKED!

I hope White sticks around a bit, him and Lapierre on the same line should be nice to see.

Auld...ugh. I don't blame goalies on PP goals too much but he was god f'ing awful at times...He's getting into shape I guess!

Oh, the Kostityn goal was good.

Have a nice day

lostinleafland said...

"he's as reckless as Tom Sizemore in a Thai whorehouse."
Summer is over, let's get the season started.
God bless FHF

soperman said...

CHARLIE HARPER!!! He is my role model in life. If only I weren't so damn ugly.

WV - nonutsl (I kid you not) as in "Phil Kessel has no nuts l eft."

Anonymous said...

steve said : as others have said what is wrong with that White Kid, why did he not change his name to Le Blanc the day he was drafted.

GoldenGirl11 said...

Wow, Denise, WTF were you thinking?

No words. I need a cigarette.

Mr. natural said...

@lostinleafsland: LOL on Sizemore in Thailand!

This whole celebrity rant thingy is the shiznit!

You want crazy? I'll give you PHucken' CRAZY, motherPHuckers!!!

moeman said...

Does 10 have shirts as nice as Charlie's? Nice RUM bottle GG. KASS!

moeman said...

Happy retirement mtrtckr.

Number31 said...

So long, bridge troll. One less ticking timebomb of flying elbows to worry about out there.

Anonymous said...

so, Mel Gibson giving a holy-roller spiel for the goalies?