Wednesday, April 15, 2009

32nd Semi-Annual Habs-Bruins Playoff Preview: Goalies and D-Men

If the Fucking Habs are to have a chance at winning this series, TFS (tm) will have to be this hot.

Defense wins championships, as the cliche goes. Right now I'd settle for a first round series win - and if that's gonna happen, the Fucking Habs had better figure out a way to shut down the Broons second-ranked offense. Seriously. The Boo-ins finished right behind Detroit. So let's see how the goaltending and defense stack up.

Masked Men

The Good

TFS (tm) has played way better down the stretch and seems to have gotten his groove back. Halak is way better than Emmanual F.

The Bad

The Broons goalie duo of Tiny Tim and Manny the A-hole won the Jennings trophy for the team giving up the fewest goals. Tiny Tim will also likely be a Vezina trophy candidate (although Luongo is gonna win).

The Ugly

Montreal, on the other hand, finished 20th, giving up 51 more goals. Yeah, that sucks.

In fact, all the stats favour Boston, so lets forget about those.

The Prediction

Let's go with our gut, which tells us that TFS(tm) is going to play every game of this series like game 7 of last year. Meanwhile, Tiny Tim is going to play like a castoff from a second tier European team.

Just keep in mind that our guts have shit for brains.

Blueliners

The Good

Ummm...I think Bob will manage to find 6 healthy defensemen come Thursday. I think.

As dominate as Chara can be, he's also not the most mobile dude at 6'9, and skill guys like Kovy can make him look like Treebeard coming out of the corners. Although he pretty much always looks that way anyway.

The Bad

It starts and ends with the B's Shaved Gorilla. He'll probably play about 45 minutes a game, including all PPs and PKs. Really the Habs best bet is if he gets hurt again. (I hope BGL is reading this. If you are, Google "Bobby Clarke" and "Valeri Kharlamov".)

I hate to say it, but it's clear Montreal has no one to match Treebeard. Two weeks ago I'd have no problem saying that, as a unit, I'd pick Montreal's group 1 through 6 over the Broons collection of Treebeard and 5 guys no one outside Bahsten has ever head of, except maybe Wideman. But after the fucking Leafs game...well, just another reason to wish that Grabitchski gets gang raped in a Belorussian prison.

The Ugly

Markov is hurt and even if he plays he won't be the impact player he has to be. The Semetic Saviour has been an inspiration playing hurt, but a 39-year-old with a bad wing isn't going to carry a team into the finals. DOOM needs to play like he did last year, not the mediocre play of this season. And he needs to plant Lucic 5 times a game. Hamr's contract is looking like more and more of an albatross. I love Georges, but he's not a difference-maker. And if Breezer is among our leading scorers again...kill me now. Franky B is probably playing for a contract - and Rhino for a career - but neither is likely to have much of an impact, if they play at all.

The Prediction

I fucking hate to say this, but the Shaved Gorilla is the major difference here - unless someone can render him ineffective (read: Gillooly him). Of course, IF: Markov makes a miraculous recovery; Hamr forgets he's old; Gorges morphs into Guy Lapointe; and Breezer spontaneously combusts; THEN, we have a chance.

So what I'm saying is that we have hope.

And not much else.

66 comments:

Anonymous said...

kill brisebois, sit hamr, steal the Subbanator from Belleville, give markov bionic limbs and our d doesnt look half-bad.

we might also want to hold carey's family hostage, and we will give back a family member every time we win a series

HabsFan29 said...

well that was depressing. yet accurate.

too close to toronto said...

wow... a Treebeard reference. truly amazing. i heart you guys.

Anonymous said...

Where would one find a hot girl with goalie pads?

Awesome.

L Dude said...

A suggestion for the Game Day Skate Pic: V for Victory

Habsfan10 said...

Man, I hate it when my delusional bravado gets all mucked up by cold hard facts.

Fuck it. Habs in 6!

Tom said...

Habs in 6? Are you crazy? No way the Bruins take two games?

Habs in five, maybe if the Bruins are lucky.

moeman said...

Can Bob get his hands on Eric Desjardins' rights and play him?

Go Habs!

Great blog pic LDude.

Word Verif = deroar, as in deroar of de Bs will not scare de Habs.

HabsFan29 said...

haha L Dude's new avatar photo is outstanding. if that's your playoff beard on Day -1, i cant wait to see what it looks like in a week

lawyergirl77 said...

Yo - that chick is ridonculously hot. Well done Panger!

This preview was way too fucking depressing to contemplate... Sniffle.

Moey said...

Too much honesty, I can't handle the truth.

But we are royally screwed if Marky doesn't come back soon, BG said it would eventually wear the rest of the D down.

I want my mommy.

HabsFan29 said...

cheer up everyone! I am sure the forwards report this afternoon will show that we, uh, uh, uh

pass the meth

lawyergirl77 said...

*passes 29 the meth*

In another sign that this is clearly Upside Down Day... I just watched the Broons' commercials for the playoffs.

And I am still laughing.

Argh.

moeman said...

The Habs should do a similar ad with a Youppi! devouring réjean tremblay, then barfing.

eyebleaf said...

LOVE the pic.

lawyergirl77 said...

good afternoon Moe! Glad to see you're still bitter!! ;-) (don't worry, me too!)

The ad I would LOVE to see - Youppi kicking the crap out of that fugly bear...

moeman said...

Hi lg. Just gettin' my h8 on.

lawyergirl77 said...

*takes a swig of Moe's h8erade*

OMG - STFU PEBBLES! Seriously - you haven't been effective on the ice all year. All Thornton has to say is "No, sir, I don't want to fight with you at the present time" and then turn away...

... and jump you from behind the moment your back is turned.

God, Pebbles - WHY??? Only talk smack if you have the goods to back it up! Let your GAME PLAY do the talking.

Oh wait, I forgot.

You sucked this year.

Nevermind...

HabsFan29 said...

maybe Bob will just bench him

lawyergirl77 said...

While that might mean that Bam Bam (Stewart) would get to play, I'm not sure that's the answer.

Bottom line: Pebbles is all talk and no action(to wit - his fucking blog earlier this year). And his talk is killing us.

*sigh* I was so hoping that he would prove me wrong and be a force in the playoffs, but now I'm not sure...

Shutdown said...

I hope Laraque backs up his talk tomorrow. He better give it to Lucic, Thornton and Chara like Neo vs. Agent Smith in the Matrix

gillis said...

Panger, you have no idea how badly i wish Breezer would spontaneously combust. Remeber when he scored in the flyers series, on the wrong net.

lawyergirl77 said...

Gillis - have you heard that BG is benching Weber and putting Breezer in his place?

I'm kind of annoyed. I woudl rather sit Hamrlik. he has sucked lately... but I won't keep harping on that, 'cause I think only Mr. LG77 agrees with me. :(

Still not Thursday yet, eh?

moeman said...

Its been said before, Babs likes his veterans.

South Shore Habs Fan said...

@ lg77

Nah, you're right on the money: Hamrlik has sucked. Crappy defensive plays, bad passes, and his propensity for taking interference calls (always the same one, too! Forechecker dumps it in, chases after it, Hamrlik decides to pin the forechecker rather than retrieve the puck even though he has a huge head start).

Hamrlik hits, though, and has experience. The D is undersized as it is without replacing the Hamr with another small Swiss dude who has played like 3 NHL games ever.

Moey said...

I'll take another one lone goal by Breeze to win us a game against Boston like last year. No problem.

gillis said...

@LG77: just heard. I think i'll go pull a plaxico buress now.

Hamr hasnt been playing well but id still rather see him in the lineup instead of Breezer.

Bob Gainey is ready for the playoffs.

gillis said...

The habs just need to pull the trigger

lawyergirl77 said...

SSHF - he may hit, but his hits are CRAZY ineffective. Watch the next time he hits someone - he's NEVER the first one out of the corner and (even worse) the other dude usually still has the puck.

Making the boards go boom is fun, but you need to have a reason for doing so...

Have I bored everyone to tears in here yet about my theory with the Habs and hitting? Nutshell: when we hit, we win. I'm not talking gooning it up (we can't do that), but I'm talking solid, effective hits using our speed. It means that we're getting to the puck and finishing our checks. But, when we try to play a "finesse and speed game", that's code for no hitting. We play like pussies and lose.

I'm confused as to which Habs will show up tomorrow because we're hearing mixed messages from the coaches and players about which strategy they're using.

And Gills - heh.

HabsFan29 said...

CJAD reports that the Hasb have almost landed in Boston! w00t!

and a site announcement - if anyone is waiting for HF4's forward preview, it will be up around 6. he got delayed having to do an injunction.

whoops, shouldn't have advertised the fact that HF4 is a lawyer. don't want trolls insulting him!

lawyergirl77 said...

29 - bwah! +1

Injunctions ruin EVERYTHING.

And please, please tell me that CJAD didn't report that. Please.

HabsFan29 said...

the actual report from CJAD was that the plane took off as scheduled at 3 PM so it should be landing right about now. this is important info!

lawyergirl77 said...

29 - Wow. Quality reporting there. /sarcasm

If they had reported that there was a shrink on board in order to finally fucking straighten out Komo and Saggy Tits, THAT would be newsworthy.

Oh, and a roll of duct tape for Pebbles.

gillis said...

Alg77: haha, I didnt realize that the "saggy tits" thing caught on.

Moey said...

I'm listening to Melnick in the afternoon, Mitch is beside himself. Apparantly last night between the baseball game that was on the Bruins have a commercial with Chara, Savard etc saying "I believe." "Do you believe?" The dirty dogs are stealing our friggin slogan from last year. Mitch went on a good rant and he says Habs in 6. Good on him.

lawyergirl77 said...

Gillis - Mr. LG77 and I call him saggy tits and Sergei - "Flat Chest". I didn't know that you were the one who started that!

gillis said...

@lg77: im not sure if i started it. I think i mentioned it. fuck i forget. but i like it.

lawyergirl77 said...

Moey - fuck those fucking fuckers. We can add plaigirism to their list of sins.

punkster said...

And where there's hope there's fire. No wait. And where there's hope there's faith. No, hang on, that's not it. And where there's hope there's...awww crap...look you fuckin Habs just get the fuckin job done will ya?

Verif: dynarde, as in "this'll be better than Bruce in Die Hard 2 'cause the broons'll be the ones dynarde"

Moey said...

Well now I'm beside myself. I wanted to subsribe to live streaming playoff games on the NHL.com site. They say they're not streaming them, check your local TV listings. WTF, I'm going on vacation Friday morning for 10 days. Sigh...I'll just have to listen on CJAD. What horseshit.

blaz said...

Hot chick AND goalie pads? I'll take it.

gillis said...

Well its 6 oh 3 and there still isnt a fuckin post on the forwards. What is this bullshit? heheh

moeman said...

6h22

melly said...

18h30

HabsFan29 said...

"around 6"

For a lawyer, that could be as late as 8. but those two missing hours are still billable

moeman said...

Fried man piles on Bob Gainey. NSF4HFers (its cbc/hnic)

~~~

Does being stuck in traffic and line-ups at the beer store count as billable hours?

gillis said...

Can I sue the website for being late?

gillis said...

Just read friedmans thing and i couldnt agree more. Gainey has done a good job but it may be time to go, but no fo sho. (i like to rhyme)

HabsFan29 said...

Elliotte Friedman just pisses me off for that pretentious "e" at the end of his name

If you're even thinking about a client, it's billable. So masturbating to that hot second wife who is suing her 68 year old husband for divorce is money in more ways than one

@gillis - maybe. if you can prove pain and suffering

moeman said...

@gillis, if yes then I suggest we get Alana De La Garza to represent us.

gillis said...

@hf29: uhhh, well i am suffering, but its hard to prove over the web. Does saying that im suffering count as proving it?

@moeman: Sounds good. Is she a lawyer or just a really hot chick you decided would represent us nicely?

moeman said...

@gillis, she's the latest babe-avocate on Law&Order.

Also, I'm available to witne$$ gillis' suffering.

gillis said...

@moeman: great, she'll do

HabsFan29 said...

to distract everyone from all this lawsuit talk, are we watching Rangers-Caps of battle of PA?

Daniel Plainview said...

am I the only who who thinks that we will come out flying tomorrow and play our best game of the year?

moeman said...

I'm gonna flick between games whilst typing on this blog. Maybe I'll get whipla$h.

moeman said...

@DP, oui.

HabsFan29 said...

@DP - maybe?

seriously though, i have much more faith in Bob getting the team ready than Carbo, so it's possible at least

HabsFan29 said...

i just turned on pens-flyers for the first time. who are these announcers? do i even watch the CBC anymore or is this some Versus simulcast?

and site announcement! i have seen visual evidence of HF4's forwards post. i told you, 8 pm

Melly said...

@gillis, @moeman:
I think my refreshing this website waiting for the forwards preview has led to carpal tunnel $yndrome. I'm in on the lawsuit.

moeman said...

cbc/hnic announcers are the Sens guys. They are really bad, especially gary galley, ex-Bruin.

HabsFan29 said...

thx moe they do sound vaguely familiar

but i discovered denis casavant doing pens-flyers on RDS. i love Denis, he can broadcast any sport, but it still sounds like baseball to me

Daniel Plainview said...

I'm just chillin' listening to Ice Cube. I'm a bit pucked out at this point.
But I have a good feeling about tomorrow.

moeman said...

Casavant is a pro. He's like a Francophone Chris Cuthbert.

x-ine said...

LOTR reference (ahem Treebeard)! You guys fucking rock.

moeman said...

19h53