Wednesday, October 27, 2010

Habs/Isles Preview (I): 80s Retro edition


Remember the early 80s? I was either too young or too hoped up on dope to remember, I can't recall which for some reason. Do you care? Probably not. You know who should? The New York Islanders.

Why? Because except for the huge upset of the Penguins back in 1993 (thanks, BTW), a once proud franchise has sunk into the abyss since the Eights. Four Stanlney Cups during the Reign of Bossy/Potvin/Trottier/Torrey and Arbour means that only 5 other teams have won more Cups. Since then, the Isles have been less successful than New Coke. Talk about mismanagement: Firing Arbour in '85-86 only to bring him back a few years later; buying out the franchise leader, Bryan Trottier; trading Pat LaFontaine; trading Turgeon and Malakhov for Muller and Schneider (thank you, Don Maloney); the John Spano debacle; and the Rangers winning it all in 1994. And we haven't even hit the Charles Wang era yet. All I have to say about that are "Alexei Yashin" and "Mike Milbury". They have been a laughing stock ever since Wang took over - the man has given us this gravest of crimes against hockey fashion and wanted to use a sumo wrestler as a goalie (don't get me started on how stupid and ridiculous that is). Oh, and he gave a 15-year contract to a man with hips that originally belonged to George Burns.

But now they've got John Tavares (born 7 years after their last Cup victory) so they've got that going for them. Not enough to bust the ghosts of 2-and-a-half decades of failure (like what I did there, tying it back into the pic? You're welcome). Now on to the preview:

Hotter than Madonna in a wedding dress at the MTV video awards: Speaking of tits...Andrei Kostitsyn is the only recipient of the first star as voted by Bell subscribers. Exciting. You can also throw TFS(tm), PK Subban and Tutlepleks in there with him. Maybe they'll get to sign pucks in the hallway outside the Habs dressing room one day. Live the dream, boys.

Hotter than Kelly LeBrock in a crop-top: For the Isles, Dwayne Roloson's numbers are almost as good as Carey's the last couple of games. Tavares is tearing it up with 6 points since his brain injury, and someone named PA Parenteau is royally fucking up my hockey pool with 6 points in his last 4 games.

Colder than an ice-cold Cola-cola Classic: Benoit Brunet started the argument for breaking up Gio and Gomez last game, and who are we to argue with such a wise and experienced hockey mind? No, but seriously, he's an idiot, but might have a point about this one. It does seem like Gomez only has eyes for Gio out there, no matter what glorified 4th liner is playing filler along side. How about Gio and Eller together, Jacques? They could be the new Luigi and Mario. Not coincidentally, Montreal's PP is last in the league.

Colder than Cyndi Lauper's album sales after True Colors: For the Isles, Doug Weight has fallen back to earth after a torrid start which the bastard used to seduce me into dropping Alex Tanguay ... not that I'm bitter. And did I mention the Isles have sucked for most of my adult life?

More hurt than Eddie Johnson's feeling when Mario refused to shake his hand or don a Penguin's jersey after getting drafted: Markov's back soon! Other than that the Habs are eerily healthy. Until I wrote that, when the failure of an O-ring on the right solid-fuel rocket booster of TFS's new car caused a huge disaster involving Subban, Big Tits, Turtlepleks, Squid, Gill and Georges.

In worse shape than the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man after they crossed streams: On top of crappy management, the Isles are dealing with crappy luck. The Original Swiss Mister is out most of the year, and hot shot power forward Kyle Okposo is out long term as well. John Bailey is out day-to-day with a creaky hip. Yes, just like your grandmother complains about.

Blogs didn't exist in 1983: so go read The Hockey News, for old times sake. Yes, before THN had a website, a mobile app and glossy magazine layout, it was an actual weekly newspaper. (Stacked in my closet for years waiting to start a fire until my parents finally kicked me out of the basement. If they only knew what I was hiding between issues...)

Speaking of Stay Puft:

111 comments:

GoldenGirl11 said...

Habs beat the Isles in 1993 to advance to the cup finals. I paid $15 for standing room at the Forum and had a better view than I do for $35 at the Bell above the rafters. And no vertigo! Loved standing room. Loved advancing to the finals.

HabsFan29 said...

this preview was worth it just for the link to the Kelly LeBrock pic. mmm, that's good 80's memories

Dainer's Hubris said...

There have been far worse crimes against hockey fashion. I actually find that incarnation of their logo rather hilarious. Look at the sailor's mouth....if the logo could talk, you know it would be saying "Yarrrrrrr, we blow!"
The gravest crime? I dare someone to dispute that THIS isn't the sweater deserving of the superlative.

HFF33 aka Panger said...

@ Hubris: That's funny, I was actually thinking about how I missed that payote coyote look during Monday's game. (I smoke a lot of payote.)

On the other hand, you may point out the Michelin (sp?) Man outfit that the Ducks wore one season not only outdoes the Fishsticks logo, but would have fit in with the Stay Puft theme.

Dainer's Hubris said...

shit, I'd always just assumed that coyote had downs syndrome, and never considered the fact he had probably just been foraging for desert-buttons. Peyote....so good!

Anonymous said...

Turgeon and Malakhov? Ugh. No need to thank the Isles for these two dummies. Bad mid-90's memories. Turgeon turned into great 14 goal scorer Corson and Malakhov later died in New Jersey, I think, but they would dress him up to play anyway until Lou managed to get rid of his body in a Newark dumpster.

GoldenGirl11 said...

@DH
Graphically speaking I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. Now I must go bleach my eyes.

matt - ftc said...

It's early, but Colton Orr has more goals than Scott Gomez.

moeman said...

Loved the 80s retro preview and pic. Especially loved 1986 and 1989 (Go Fuck Yourselves you Fucking Flames!)

Also, 1980sflashback1, flashback2, flashback3.

... and my did the leaf suck hard in the 80s.

moeman said...

Wow, rds' renaud lavoie just wished a Francophone Isles player a win tonight. Same wad that wants DarCHe on the G+G line for an extended period of time and also wants O'B gone. rds needs its own bill 101. Phoqueurs.

Bill101 said...

hey!..

moeman said...

If the game gets boring and you need a laff later.

FWIW, berger is a total hack and I don't like how he tries to blend the MSM / blogger personality to his benefit but any takedown of leef sheep is fun.

HabsFan29 said...

them's good flashbacks moe. i'd like to flash back to a time when a 730 game started at 730. instead of 4 idiots behind a desk.

HabsFan29 said...

Chokula's voice answering even just two questions is hypnotizing in its blandness

moeman said...

Merci 29.

Whilst here I must give kudos to what Dainer's Hubris said in the previous thread. Killer stuff (pun intended cuz Gilmour wanted to be and was a Hab). 1993!

moeman said...

29, I'd like to flashback to that cute Asian usher at the Forum.

moeman said...

Interfere with their goalie! Stephen Walkom approves.

Steve said...

Kelly Le Brock, the lady in red, and then Steven Segal. What the fuck kind of zen management made her what she became. I saw recent pictures of Raquel Welch, by recent I mean today.
She is still hotter than most of these silicon adolescents. A man hits his prime at 28 a woman ten years later,

HabsFan29 said...

well i'm entertained so far at least

moeman said...

The gorgeous PFK is a gorgeous player of the gorgeous game of hockey.

HabsFan29 said...

love PFK shooting from his own zone

HabsFan29 said...

darCHe!

but that was all PFK

Dainer's Hubris said...

aww gee, thanks moeman. Laid up with sciatica, I've got plenty of time to contemplate how much pain I wish upon Kesshole

Fucking right Darchebag!

HabsFan29 said...

PFK is doing it at every end of the ice. i'm in love. NTTAWWT

moeman said...

PleXXXE is SeXXXe!

GoldenGirl11 said...

Who...? Wha.....?

HabsFan29 said...

MOEmaN!

pleXXXe with a feed that made me cry

Orangeman said...

Just tuned in to see that shorty. Nice welcome. Plus I finally got the RDS feed. Things are turning around at the house that Orange built.

GoldenGirl11 said...

Crap

HabsFan29 said...

crap

moeman said...

Insert BJ gesture to Wisenudeski.

Orangeman said...

...crap?

moeman said...

Crabs?

Orangeman said...

Next time I'll keep my mouth shut.

/returns to corner to sulk.

moeman said...

GG, no white iP4s for a while. Sorry I couldn't get Steve Jobs to get of his ass and get those models done. Believe me I tried. I'll make it up with an iP5 next summer.

HabsFan29 said...

TFS saving our bacon while we skate in circles

moeman said...

P l e XXX e !

HabsFan29 said...

pleXXXe!!!

he can do anything

Orangeman said...

PleXXX!

Dainer's Hubris said...

get the f up wiznewski you gobbler.
death of a salesman there

moeman said...

Diving and faking = BJ gesture to Wizznudeskier.

moeman said...

rds is hot to trot on Pierre Alexandre Parenteau. Pourquoi?

Dainer's Hubris said...

omg, stfu....McSplooge on a Bolts pp goal - "a little bit of funky cold Kubina in there"

moeman said...

Max Lap can't handle the sausage.

moeman said...

mcsplooge will be rubbin' one out to his own comments tonight. Alone? (hey, come on now, I'm in no way suggestin' mcsplooge will have a young boy in his room to help him out)

HabsFan29 said...

oh c'mon

GoldenGirl11 said...

@Moe
I knew it!... so I got the black one. And frankly now that I've had black I don't think I can go back.

Mr. Jobs needs to go to confession.

moeman said...

GG, you know what they say.

HabsFan29 said...

did we get even close to a shot on that PP?

Orangeman said...

That PP is looking worse and worse. Dare I say, it might be time to get Gomez and Chicken off it. Yes...yes, I dare.

moeman said...

Flashback, forward.

Fucking cool TRON tune. Daft Punk is back bitCHes.

http://www.youtube.com/v/SPFpcKm0B7U

Dainer's Hubris said...

orange - maybe if they put Spacecakes at forward on the PP.....he could hit the net from the slot, right?
Without the Mexican't and CHicken, Chokula is left with what, Halpern-Moen-Pyatt? Yikes!

Besides, if PK's shot had hit the twine, and not the post in the 1st, we'd all be a bit more chilled out as TFS would say.

RiRi said...

I'm so unbelievably mad I missed the first 2 periods.

Here's to an awesome 3rd!

P.S. PFK & PleXXXe ♥

Number31 said...

FUCK OFF TSN WITH THE HALAK CRAP. Eller is a solid player (who's still a child), Perron/Oshie/whatever would need an early pay raise (impossible to fit), Pleky trumps Halak, and PRICE IS PLAYING WELL SO PISS OFF ALREADY. "Could the Habs have gotten more?" No they couldn't. They could have gotten nothing 'cause his jackass agent would want 4-million or nothing, then they'd be stuck with what? Draft picks?!

Imagine: who'd be scoring all the goals, setting up all those goals, and playing like that if Pleky were gone eh? Who can replace him?

No one.

Dainer's Hubris said...

McKenzie takes a dump on Eller - says he sees his ceiling as top-9, not top-6

wv : MONGE de la marde Bob, you're wrong

HabsFan29 said...

crap

GoldenGirl11 said...

Crap crap

RiRi said...

I'm turning it off now.

Dainer's Hubris said...

what a fucking play MegaPlexxx. but hit the fucking net Squid

moeman said...

Blob mackenzie is just pissed cuz his son won't ever make the NHL for mcsplooge to splooge on.

GoldenGirl11 said...

Thank you RiRi

HabsFan29 said...

fuck yeah PFK great D

moeman said...

PFK First Star signed PucKs will fetCH big bucks.

HabsFan29 said...

one for the Jews! mazel tov!

Dainer's Hubris said...

Pluggers!!!

RiRi said...

I have a confession: I never turned it off.

Number31 said...

Mazel Tov!

moeman said...

Oyvey, Oyvey, Oyvey!

GoldenGirl11 said...

@RiRi
Duh! Just covering your ass for the jinx gods.

RiRi said...

Why exactly is it under review?

moeman said...

heh, darCHe should've just run over Roloson and no review would be needed.

moeman said...

Penalty CHot! for CHicken.

Number31 said...

Oh man. That would have rocked if he scored on that XD

RiRi said...

@GG - Ha! Wouldn't wanna do ANYTHING to piss them off.

Dainer's Hubris said...

C'mon CHicken, make this count. show us those skills. he won't get an easier opportunity to boost that confidence

moeman said...

Before it slips our minds, GiGi covering RiRi's ass.

No need to ask why I love this place.

RiRi said...

Sigh.

HabsFan29 said...

meh. he was better on his knees

moeman said...

29 sounds like mcsplooge wit dat comment.

Number31 said...

Pouliot should talk to Lapierre for shootout tips. Looked like he had no idea what he was doing.

RiRi said...

GiGi is my sister's childhood nickname, I kid you not.

moeman said...

Towel!

Number31 said...

Goalie interference! Woo!

BJG said...

"Halpern from Pouliot and Price", words never o be uttered again.

moeman said...

Great new find;

http://www.jekel.com/w_cabernet.aspx

HabsFan29 said...

saw that a mile away

moeman said...

Hey, Habs, quit scoring on your own goalie.

Number31 said...

How many times are they going to just allow the Islanders to fire from the points?

Dainer's Hubris said...

love Max's hit on Roloson. he deserves it

moeman said...

Tip for you hipsters, you too 29.

Whilst plugging in the iPhone to the home airplay speakers and having the NHL GameCenter App set to notify all scores, note that it plays the air horn, loudly.

You're welcome.

Send CHeques to P.O. Box Roadrunner 12.

moeman said...

Also, for you BlackBerry users, Suck it.

moeman said...

Not liking Big Tits' current slump.

moeman said...

Time-out:

Time to constrict these fuckers.

Number31 said...

I don't much like our defense when it's not Subban or Gorges.

GoldenGirl11 said...

@BJG
I bet halpern put on tefillin this morning. They would all benefit from putting on YOU would benefit.

moeman said...

@Esther, 3 sleeps and its Vodkov.

moeman said...

Did I mention Big Tits?!!!

HabsFan29 said...

TITS!!!!

hfotwc said...

big tits slump over!

GoldenGirl11 said...

I bet andrei put on tefillin!

Number31 said...

"I shoot puck, I score goal"

moeman said...

I want a PFK 1st star.

HabsFan29 said...

whew

moeman said...

PPP's Carey clock has gone fucking haywire.

TFStar@

PFKStar!

PleXXXeSeXXXeStar!

Orangeman said...

Non-existent 'first' line, dismal PP and their top Dman out. 6-2-1, first in East. I'm happy.

Have to fix that PP, though. On the positive side, they now have half as many SHGs as PPGs.

Number31 said...

Anyone know why La Capsule Sportive went bankrupt and where can I find a junior-medium sized PFK shirt? :(

moeman said...

N31, buy a large and wash it on the hot cycle and put in dryer despite what the label says. If it the result is too tight, meh.


Send pics to P.O. Box Roadrunner 12.

RiRi said...

PleXXXe was McSplooge's Monster!!!

@moe - Still using the blackberry. Thinking about switching to the iPhone. Sell me on it, already!

Dainer's Hubris said...

finally a worthwhile comment read on HIO - a call for a 21,273-strong "We Love Tits" chant.

moeman said...

WatCH and learn pure sales teCHniques bitCHes;

@RiRi, get in line and get an iPhone.

Bonus, I'll give you some free, personalized, hands-on, tips.

eg. tap, pinCH+zoom, double-tap

RiRi said...

@moe - Good, I love free stuff! How pathetic is it that I don't even have it yet, but I've already made a list of apps I want...