Wednesday, December 08, 2010

Sh*t my mom says - Habs 4, Sens 1

As reported on this very website yesterday, I was delighted to be accompanied by my mom to witness the Habs-Sens snoozefest in person. Mom was on fire with the quotes, so I stole a pen and wrote down some of the shit she said. These are (mostly) actual quotes. Mom was so astute, they should really put her on the TSN panel. She's way better than Ray Ferraro.

Pounding down ribs and booze at Baton Rouge, mom had some choice words about Chokula's decision to bench PFK for a third straight game:

"He's fucking with his head."

"The old guys are gonna drop dead."

"There's no more low fives with Carey at the end of the game. That givez me a sad."

First Period
Mom gets a bottle of water from a vendor (she knows how to prevent hangovers). The vendor removes the cap before handing it to her:

"Why thank you very much! That's very kind of you to open it for me. Can I have the cap, please?"
"I'm sorry ma'am, I am not allowed. They're dangerous."
"What kind of shit is that?"

Second period

(about halfway through) "I remember the last time we went to a game together, there was passing, and passing, and passing. I'm not seeing the same thing."

"We can't even carry the fucking puck!"

Near the end of a craptastic 5:00 PP:

"They don't know where the fucking puck is!"
(re DarCHe being on the PP) "He's dropping dead out there"
"This is reason enough to bring PK back"
"PK! PK! PK!"
"How pathetic was that???"

(end of the period) "How pathetic was that???"

Third period

(on Halpern's goal) "Fucking beautiful!!!"

(14:00 left. The quotes dry up as mom is too busy bopping her head to the Ramones' Blitzkrieg Bop over the P.A.)

(11:00 left. The scoreboard flashes the game stats which were about even at the time) "I'm looking at the stats, they're ridiculous. Aren't Ottawa a crappy team?"

After Gio scores to make it 3-1:
Me: "NOW we can go ahead and play some JM defensive shell."
Mom: "No! You know 3-1 isn't enough."

(6:00 left, Cage aux sports ad on the scoreboard) "Never mind the fucking free wings, but at least get one more."

End of the game

"My oh my that was just a delightful contest! Sure we sucked in the second period, but overall that was so much fun. Thank you so much for going with me, 29, that was so wonderful. Now go make me a fucking grandchild already."


moeman said...

She calls you 29?

Merci Mom.

lawyergirl77 said...

Moe - she wont call him by his real name until he gives her a grandchild, already!!!

soperman said...

Grandchildren are awesome! Go make your mom a grandbaby....

iRiRi said...

I love Mom of 29!

Mr. natural said...

@all of you!

Grandchildren are a very sore spot with Mr. & Mrs. natural, lousy, lazy good for nothing sons don't know the formula I guess, *sigh*.

Anyway son #2 and I where at the game last night:

> Man did we suck balls in the second priod, that 5 minute PP was an embarrassment!

> I wish the TV camera's had followed Kovy, all he did all night was float hoping for a puck to squirt out his way, he made a small effort on two shifts maximum.

> Mad Max was awesome in the third.

> I thought both Squid and Gill looked very tired in the second half of the third.

> Weber made several mistakes last night, at least three bad ones.

> During the 5:00 PP fiasco the crowd started chanting Subban! Subban! It was sweet!


Die PHucktards Die! said...

that's one astute Mom there 29.
I now see where you get all your spiffy comments.

Kmaxx said...

@29 - I fuckin' love your Mom. If she ever gets to the Uk I'll have to introduce her to my friends as "29's fuckin' Mum" - but that's cool too.

No go make some 29 babies woudl ya!

GYFMFHG!...although I am worried about the next couple of games...except for the Laffs - not worried abou them at all! Bet your Mom isn't worried about them either!

Anonymous said...

Will your mom go out with me?

GoldenGirl11 said...

How is a water bottle cap dangerous exactly?

And I want those boots!

lehab said...

Your mom is awesome! now go multiply....wv=multio

soperman said...

@ GG11

"How is a water bottle cap dangerous exactly?"

Didn't you guys play "caps" in university? I can snap a cap through the windshield of a Pinto, though admittedly a Pinto wasn't exactly structurally sound.

Allan Walsh said...

Ha! I knew you Canadiens would come sniveling back to beg for The Client!!! You can not stop the onslaught of goals raining through your sieve netminder! I can persuade the Blues to return your savior for Cams, Plek, and that cocky young defenceman...

WHAT? No, you are kidding. Most wins? WTF!!!!

GoldenGirl11 said...

I have never played a game of caps in my life. I didn't even know there was a game called caps. Is this still a game? Are you dating yourself? I did play with Wacky packs in elementary school although the worst thing that could happen there was you lost a filling on the stale gum. In university I was very studious. After my lobotomy to actually GET into York U I was very studious.

soperman said...

@ GG11

I once tried to date myself (no girl would at the time) but it wasn't much fun. :o)

I suspected that "caps" might be a Maritime thing, perhaps if you had any friends who went to university in Halifax they could teach you.

You sit on the floor (usually sticky from slopped beer) and spread your legs apart in a vee, touching the soles of your feet against the soles of your opponents feet. You place your full beer mug in front of you (I will spare you the technical regulations on beer placement)and you take turns shooting you caps at the opponents beer. To shoot you hold the beer cap between your thumb and index finger and snap them. A skilled player can reach amazing speeds and even control the curve. Many of my friend still bear the scars were an errant cap has cut there face or other exposed skin. When you sink your cap in the opponent's beer, your opponent's beer, he or she must chug their beer. Great fun for the entire family.

When my boys were still at home there were a number of weekends when we returned home to find the telltale sign of beer caps in very odd locations like jammed between a lightbulb and the post that holds the lampshade.

I am sure if the Maritimer is around today, he has some experience with "caps".

Summary - even plastic bottle caps can maim or disfigure you in the hands of a Nova Scotian.

HabsFan29 said...

i have played caps in Quebec universities in the past. that game is universal

mom asked me to tell you all that you're fucking awesome

soperman said...


I am glad that caps is universal - it would disturb me to think that Maritimers were abnormal in any way. :o)

Your mom should contribute more often.

Orangeman said...

Caps aren't dangerous at all. We disposed of them easily last spring....

I think the issue the Bell Centre has with them is they can be thrown on the ice and not noticed (like coins) and do some serious damage to a skater.

29: the best way to get your mom off your back about a kid is to get one of your siblings to produce one. And then move to Asia.

GoldenGirl11 said...

I just saw my future. I was dumb enough to tell the boys about their ingenious cousins who threw a party and put post its all around the house so they would know where everything went (including furniture!). They managed to clean up in time but they forgot to remove the post its. Of course the story is funny now because it's ten years later and one of the boys has produced that grandchild. I will hold back on the hilarity of playing caps.

soperman said...

@ GG1

We came home one weekend and there was three inches of sand covering the kitchen floor and the living room was covered in sods. Not to mention the only way to clean the pool was drain it, scrub it, and refill it. This was the last weekend that we left the house unguarded.

WV - "gorbed" as in "Mrs. soperman and I were pretty gorbed that weekend."

Habsfan10 said...

@ soperman: Caps got played in Muskoka and various other Ontario locales when I was university age too. Perhaps it's a York thing to not play caps.

First time someone took the cap from my plastic bottle "for safety" was at a Juventus/Barcalona futbol game at Gillette Stadium outside of Boston. The official explanation for leaving me with an uncovered Rolling Rock was a capped, thrown bottle keeps it's liquid and could travel farther and hurt more than an uncapped bottle (which would lose all it's liquid as it hurtled from the upper deck.) I bought that explanation. Course, I was loaded.

High Glove Side said...

what? no interest here in "YarmulkeGate"?

what gives?

L Dude said...

I actually have a caps scar. Looks like a lobotomy scar. Right at my, where my hairline used to be. Hmm, maybe it is a lobotomy scar and I've just been told it's a caps scar.

Get GG those boots. Add in a nice short skirt and you're schwingeriffic.

And 29, tell your mom SHE is the fucking awesome one. MomCorp rocks!

Steve said...

We used to have cap fights, and you can snap beer caps hard enough to stick into wood. Now that was not dangerous enough so we used to throw wooden matches at each other as well.

For plastic caps I go with the orangemen explanation, the only plastic on the ice is usually the plyons.

GoldenGirl11 said...

Two years ago I went to Florida with a friend. Kids would skype me so I could see them eating in the den and rifling though my closet looking for the perfect play costume. They thought it was hilarious to torture me.

They will never be left alone in my house especially now that they enjoy alcohol.

Maybe my FHF Chanukah boots are on the way. Tonight is the last night. Fingers crossed. But make it a thermal short skirt.

Orangeman said...

Random question!

I'm having problems with TSN videos as well as streaming from the web (ie justintv) and the comedycentral site. They load alright, but then pause, then load, then pause. Just an hour ago it was working fine for the first time, but now it's back to sucking. My flash player is apparently updated and I've swept my computer for bugs. The thing is I have no problem with youtube, CNN and other video on the web and it all started on December 1st all of a sudden (all the sites listed above at the same time) so I'm pretty sure it's some sort of update I don't have.

Any ideas? I asked people in real life but they're more useless than I am with computers.

moeman said...

@0-man, try updating/re-installing Silverlight.

Orangeman said...

Thanks moe. I installed it, but I'm still having problems. I find it very frustrating. I don't understand why only from these sites, and if it is an update issue I don't know how it worked flawlessly for about an hour earlier.

moeman said...

A good tool to have/use;

Orangeman said...

Thanks again moe. I've now tried downloading FireFox and have the same problem. It just doesn't make sense to me. I've updated everything I can think of, I've cleaned out everything, it's a newish computer. My connection is fine and like I said other sites are fine. Really, I just rely on the internet for my live TV and that's what's being affected (incudling Habs games) mostly. I'm having issues getting cable including RDS in my place so this is what I rely on.

Thanks anyway.

moeman said...

Maybe try Chrome as Flash is built in.

Steve said...


I trade you

a survivor of internet wars, for the site you watch the Habs on.

Orangeman said...

@Steve, I will try that site next time. I usually use and this year there's a guy on there who streams games nicely (exnordic is his name, but you'll have to click on the links and start the stream to get that far). Or I go to which sometimes has the American feed. Finally, will have a link or two but usually you have to install sopcast or veetle or something else ridiculous.

And CBC of course live steam HNIC games, though the ramblings of an old man, contant talk of Toronto and reminders of my alcoholism through PSAs make me feel like I'm at my family's Thanksgiving dinner.

Orangeman said...

Thanks moe for all your help! I've contacted Jessica Fletcher and she's on the case!

Steve said...

@orangeman, thanks for the links, I have always come to a pay station in my past searches, the only hockey you will find on my site is Burn Notice, what Chocula says to PFK, and Walking Dead, the Leafs story.

Orangeman said...

I should note that streams sports from around the world with a European bent, so if there's any futball or, uh, cricket fans out there it's your source (I'm not joking about the cricket either).

I know you were joking, but are you familiar with walking dead? I've been thinking this could be the show to a legal manner...onto my Zune* for my Christmas travels.

*Zune=Microsoft's ipod. Like a Touch, except with more memory and a quarter of the price. Oh, and HD picture.

Orangeman said...

Also, Crosby with another 2Gs tonight through 2 periods. Dude's on fire. So are the Pens. Let them peak now, is what I say!

Tronna has 10 shots. heh.

Steve said...

@orangeman walking dead is not as good as Tru Blood, but if you like any Zombie genre, its good stuff, there are only 6 episodes so far.

Orangeman said...

I'm sorry, I'm not a 15 year old girl so I don't like vampires.

JUST KIDDING! It's an inside joke I have with some people. The point is that I've always been more into Zombies than Vampires (won best costume 3 years in a row with various zombie get-ups! Though upon reflection my 2001 entry might have been distasteful at best).

As long as it's not, say, the third season of Heroes, I'm in.

The leaf score 2 in the third (outshooting the Pens 15-2). Beware the Saturday night.

Also, where's the Lennon tribute, moe? Speaking of zombies.

ti-cul said...

@ oman, it's really not too difficult fixing your own hard drive, if the problem is a head crash, or the infamous Seagate "stiction" problem, if you know what to do. You will require #4/0 steel wool, paint thinners, WD-40, a few hand tools, and about 45 minutes.

First, you need a clean room, so make sure the garage door is closed before you begin. Move those old lawnmower parts off the bench. Disassemble the sealed unit and carefully wash all parts with paint thinners. Bend the read/write heads out of the way, and then disassemble the platter stack.

VERY CAREFULLY buff the platter surfaces with the #4/0 steel wool. This will remove any existing data, level out any surface defects, and help to redistribute the magnetic media and fill in those pesky "bad sectors" that most drives have.

Reassemble the platter stack, and using a .015" feeler gauge, bend the read/write heads back to the platter surface, using the feeler gauge to set the gap. This is slightly higher gap than the factory uses, but it reduces the chance of head collisions with any flotsam you neglected to remove.

Give the heads and platters a good shot of WD-40 and reassemble the unit. If your drive has a filter, replace it with a clean section of gauze pad.

All that's left is to low level and DOS format the drive, and you're back in business. I haven't tried this myself, but my friend's wife's sister-in-law's husband knows a technician that does it all the time....

Kmaxx said...

@orangeman - I've been finding to be a lot better this year. Justin .TV always starts out well but then the games get blacked out about 5 minutes into them - which reallyu sucks...where can I get the direct CBC feed of HNIC? I usually pick it up via atdhe - but again, not consistantly. Habs games on atdhe via RDS are usually the best streams for me. Last season Nad_et Picm had the best streams but I can't seem to find them anywhere. Any ideas?