Saturday, January 30, 2010

It's Hockey Day in Canada you hosers - Sens preview and open thread

Oh Canada, how we love you. You give us people like Clara Hughes, the greatest flag bearer ever. You give us the CBC, which gave us Hockey Day in Canada. Which we FUCKING HATE. Total cash crab. 12 straight hours of Ron MacLean. And this year it's from Stratford, Ont. Because when you think of Stratford, the first thing that comes to mind is hockey. And it's not even Hockey Day in Canada anymore. Officially, it's now Tim Hortons Hockey Day in Canada. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy scarfing down a ten pack of Timbits as much as the next guy, but if that ain't proof this day is about money, I don't know what is. Don Cherry says it's all about the kids. Yeah, whatever. Why don't you let the kids play in peace on the pond instead of shoving their faces on national TV?

But that won't stop us celebrating all that's great about Canada, eh? So grab an Elsinore Beer, stick a very small mouse in the empty and let's do this thing.

Waiting in line with all the other office workers for your double double and Timatin Details - 2 PM start in lovely downtown Kanata. On CBC, obvs. Habs riding a two-game losing streak of Florida crap. Sens riding an eight game winning streak, and looking like the early 2007 season Sens. Jinx! Yeah right. Sens are 3-1 in the season series so far.

Our favourite R.O.C. hoser - SLC said of today's game: "Trap game against a fast fading Habs team coming up tomorrow at the Bank. Ye be warned." Well, he got the fast fading part right.

Hot like the most desirable woman in the world, Montrealer Emmanuelle Chriqui - For the Habs, we have, uh, hmm, mmm, yeah. Jaro maybe? For the Sens, they obviously have benefitted from the return of Alfie and Spezz from injuries. But the Streak started before they were back. And really, they've been getting balanced scoring (even Kovy? Even Kovy. 8 points during the Streak). And really really, they've been doing it with goaltending. Goaltending! The Ottawa Senators! Can you fucking believe that? Brian Elliot is 2-0-0, 0.50, .982 in his last 2.

Cold like, well, like the weather today. Fucking windchill. - Well, until the suck-o-meter gets back below 9 BR's, why don't we just put the whole Habs squad here. For the Sens, I doubt anyone can be cold considering the Streak, though SLC insists Filip Kuba continues to suck a bag of dicks.

Benefiting from universal health care - Jaro 2.0 mysteriously injured his upper body while being out with the flu. That's an impressive feat. Mara is still out as well. Habs have called up Swiss Mister II to bolster the blue line. Big Tits may be dead. Sens pretty healthy. Pascal Leclaire is out, but they don't seem to be missing him.

Post-game adult entertainment - Canadian Hotties of course (NSFW00t!)

And here's a little post-adult entertainment entertainment. Oh Canada, you rock. Er, rap.

120 comments:

Moey said...

Like the timbits. Hate the coffee, dishwater tastes better.

And why do we always get the matinee on HDIC? I suppose the Leafs get primetime? Fucktards.

RiRi said...

I`m scared to watch...

Maybe they`ll give us an encore performance of last Saturday and pound them 6-0 (Jaro getting the shutout of course) or maybe the Habs will get shutout 6-0... You never know with this fucking Jekyll/Hyde team. Most likely option B.

@Moey - Totally agree on the coffee. I don`t understand how so many people go crazy over it!

RiRi said...

P.S. Jaro starts!

boob gainey said...

On the topic of Canada, both Pronger and Heatly essentially refused to play for Canadian teams, so why are they representing us in the Olympics?

Howard said...

Clara is hotter than Emmanuelle Chriqui! I had this dream about her in bed wrapped only in the red and white! At least I'll have Sat night free while the Leafs are sucking coast to coast! I don't know who sucks more: the Leafs or Tim Horton's coffee? Awww Leafs win hands down...sucking for 43 years and counting!

dwgs said...

And Clara's rocking the Farrah Fawcett look. Say no more.

The Gate To The Groin For Yannick Bertrand said...

Oddly enough, I think I enjoyed that video.

Check 2:01 for the Habs jersey cameo.

moeman said...

+ a coo-roo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo-coo for the great post 29 and oh so Canadian hoser pic GG!

Tim's coffee, if one can call it that, is horrible but yes the leaf is even more horrible. Otherwise, I'll have an apple fritter (remember when those use to be like 3 times the size?)

Clara looked/looks positively beaming in front of our flag. Good luck to her and all our Olympians. Um, Gary Lunn, get the fuck out of the picture you fucking leech.

Habs Laughs said...

Big Tits isn't dead

He's in rehab with tiger.

Number31 said...

I love the coffee :( Only place around Place Ville-Marie I can walk in and my coffee is all ready for me to buy without even asking for it or before I say "hi".

And BEST PHOTOSHOP EVER.

And the question of the day is not who will start in goal, but rather who will show up. Go you fucking Habs GO!

Howard said...

Looks like Clara is almost under the table. Hang in there Clara!

moeman said...

HDIC Game 1 - Work the Sens to Overtime

based on this XTC song

Hey, hey,
Habs clouds are grey.
Ottawa's primed for these donkeys,
Like last game we can all sleep safely,
All sleep safely.

My, my,
I love pie.
Gainey's fodder for RDS' cannons,
And the guilty ones won't sleep so safely,
Won't sleep so safely.

Yes our Habs world is out of shape
It's time for me to kick hnic in the face
Tim's I can see, hear, smell, touch, taste
Timbits I'll have one, two, three, four, five
Work the Sens to overtime

Trying to take this hoser HDIC in.
I've got one, two, three, four, five beers
Work the Sens to overtime
Trying to taste the difference
'Tween a twist of lemon or lime
Robbie's pain is our pleasure
The FHF CHurCH belles softly CHime.

Hey hey,
Neil fights gay.
There's Kovy for the stinkers,
And the Sens fans all drive slowly,
All cheer lowly.

My, my,
The paint is dry
More beer for the thirsty,
And the Maudite one's hit you slowly,
OK not so slowly.

And maclean's head is pumpkin-shaped,
Donuts for me to feed my face,
Tim's I can see, hear, smell, touch, taste,
I've got one, two, three, four, five, crullers
Work the Sens to overtime
Trying to take this game in.
I've got one, two, three, four, five, danishes
Work the Sens to overtime
Trying to see the difference,
'Tween a lemon and slime,
Bob Cole's pain is my pleasure,
The FHF CHurCH belles softly CHime.

And these birds might fall from the skies,
And Rhino might give Ruutu black eyes,
And MAB might skid on Scotiabank ice,
But to me it's very, very beautiful
(Canadiens glory!)
Beautiful
(Striking beauties!)

And the Habs world is pants-shaped,
I need a belt to keep mine in place,
Beer I can see, hear, smell, touch, taste,
I've got one, two, three, four, five, Sleemans
Work the Sens to overtime
Trying to take this game in
I've got one, two, three, four, five, Molsons
Work the Sens to overtime
Trying to tell the difference
'Tween the Habs goods and grime
Turds and treasure
And there's one, two, three, four, five, goals
Work the Sens to overtime
Trying to take this OT in
Habs got one, two, three, four, five, PPs
Work the Sens to overtime
Wanna see the difference
'Tween a loss and a win
Sens pain will be our pleasure,
The FHF CHurCH belles softly CHime.

moeman said...

HDIC Game 2 - They're only making plans for Kessel

based on this XTC song

They're only making plans for Kessel
They only want what's best for him

They're only making plans for Kessel
Kessel just needs some helping wings

And if young Kessel says he's happy
eyebeleaf can't be happy
Cuz he's just crappy in his work

They're only making plans for Kessel
He wishes he was a Bruin still

They're only making plans for Kessel
Kessel's whole future is worth 25 mil

And if young Kessel says he's happy
PPP can't be happy
Cuz he's just crappy in his work

Kessel is not outspoken
He doesn't like to speak
And loves to not be spoken to
Kessel is crappy in his work

They're only making plans for Kessel

moeman said...

HDIC Game 3 - Oilers and Flamers

based on this XTC song

Oilers and Flamers ah ah
now ever so far
from battlefields so glorious
out in a world of their own
No White or Red miles
till once again victorious

Oilers and Flamers will always
be so unhappy 'less they get a win

Oilers and Flamers ah ah
like never before are tired of being winless.

Calling Oilers and Flamers
Oilers and Flamers everywhere
Calling Oilers and Flamers
HDIC Game III is drawing near

Oilers and Flamers ah ah
They're never too far
away from men who did parade
out in a world of their own
They'll never come round
and cry like Gretzky and Messier

Oilers and Flamers ah ah
like never before, overrated and overpaid

moeman said...

Bonus Track - Fun begins at the blog

based on this XTC song

Have you learned there's a magical spot at the blog
Come with me to our CHurCH on the FHF blog
There's nuts and tits and meth and beer on tap
A good time had by the boys and girls at the blog

Tell me what do you say
Tell me what do you say

Fun begins at the blog, boys and girls

Prepare yourself for the kidz in their pants at the blog
The hot babe pics, never too young for the barbs at the blog
We'll jive around, make fools of ourselves so why stop
Back next game with more ridiculous fun at the blog

Tell me what do you say
Tell me what do you say

Fun begins at the blog, boys and girls

HabsFan29 said...

15 minutes later, i finally finish reading and listening and clicking everything in the last 4 comments.

i am literally speechless moe. without speech.

HabsFan29 said...

ok HDIC let's go!

go get it over with already

HabsFan29 said...

are we getting a 2 man booth of Garry Galley and carbo? im frightened

moeman said...

Carbo should give his lucky tie to Count Jacqula.

moeman said...

That Hyundai 'Girl leaves lipstick kissprint for Girl' is so fucking good.

HabsFan29 said...

ok there's bob cole. much, uh, better?

HabsFan29 said...

moe i just rewound the pvr to Hyundai babes. never saw that before. hot damn.

HabsFan29 said...

i wouldnt call our scoring chance "glorious" bob

moeman said...

Someone should show cole the Hyundai babes ad.

HabsFan29 said...

nicer suit jacques. tie still needs work

moeman said...

HF29, not sure if you're an XTC fan but methinks you'll dig this;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KFdyd8oIVYU

moeman said...

Noticeable difference betwixt Kovy's and MAB's offensive skill.

WV = hoses

HabsFan29 said...

moe cant honestly say i ever thought of myself as an XTC "fan", but either way that is outstanding

jaro keeping us in it now

GoldenGirl11 said...

This isn't so bad. All we have to do is score one goal in 60 minutes and make sure that they don't. It's the perfect plan.

HabsFan29 said...

it had to be kovy

crap

moeman said...

ack

kevincrumbs said...

@moeman: What a treat for Corporate Sponsored Hockey Day in Canada! I love XTC, although I sometimes forget they exist and go long stretches without listening to them. Andy Partridge is a genius, albeit a weird one, and they're one of the few bands where I like pretty much all of their body of work from the early early stuff to the current stuff. Elvis Costello is usually that way for me too but some of his recent collaborations are, uh, weird.

GoldenGirl11 said...

Well there goes that plan. Quick! Google "troubleshooting" in the system book and look up "what to do when you can't score and fucking suck".

moeman said...

heh @GG11's dating tips, "what to do when you can't score and fucking suck".

@KC, sad thing is XTC didn't/couldn't/don't travel and tour.

HabsFan29 said...

if it wasn't for the goal against and all those SOG against, i could have lived with the habs in that period

kevincrumbs said...

@moeman: But it just adds to their legend. I think there are some live shows floating around on the internet.

Moey said...

Just got back from the garage, had one of those engine empties entire contents of oil all over driveway mornings. I hate when that happens. So before tuning into the game, I started reading here, sucking again eh? Groundhog day. Fuckers.

kevincrumbs said...

I vote for all HNIC games to be broadcast only in Inuktitut so that we don't have to hear Bob Cole again.

GoldenGirl11 said...

if it wasn't for the goal against and all those SOG against, i could have lived with the habs in that period
Ya, and all that not being good at hockey.

HabsFan29 said...

Habs best chance yet bobs voice didnt alter at all

HabsFan29 said...

i feel like with a one-goal deficit and 12 minutes to go on the second period, we're running out of time

RiRi said...

@29 - Ha! So true! I`m nervous already...

They`re getting shutout again, aren`t they?

Anonymous said...

I predict a big fat shutout. those Habs will never ever score. so annoying, Christ.

kevincrumbs said...

Ugh. Typical 09/10 Habs hockey. Simple play needed to get the puck out of the zone, instead they turn it over, looks like the Sens are on a PP and then we take a penalty to give them a real PP.

GoldenGirl11 said...

Do they not practice goal scoring? How does every opposing goalie look like the greatest to ever play the game.

HabsFan29 said...

game over

kevincrumbs said...

Fuck me.

moeman said...

eesh

kevincrumbs said...

I bet during every HNIC game that Carbo does, he thanks God he's not JM.

Anonymous said...

Did you know? That Filip Kuba is one offensive motherfucker. There's no stopping him. Can't blame it on our team for not stopping him.

kevincrumbs said...

Well, here's our chance to at least get back into the game.

RiRi said...

Yay! Jeu de puissance au Canadien!!

Time to cut the Sens` lead in half, right boys? Right? Right??

If the Sens score SH, I`m turning it off.

HabsFan29 said...

is this what hope feels like?

RiRi said...

Chicken!!!

kevincrumbs said...

Pleks! Chicken! Whomever!

moeman said...

Finally, the crowd comes alive.

WV = mosong

kevincrumbs said...

Dear God, please don't give up another goal this period.

Chenny13 said...

I'm thinking that if he keeps scoring like this, we'll need a Pou-Pouliot song to celebrate. (SuSudio? Phil Collins?)

Howard said...

TurtleneckSquidChicken!

GoldenGirl11 said...

What the fuck am I watching. Eddie Munster and Gui doing skating drills on RDS. First, who is taking pointers from Gui. Second, does no one see the irresponsibility of McDonald's being an athletic sponsor? Why not slap on a Camel Cigarette ad too? I'm cranky.

HabsFan29 said...

GG you issed a real nice story of Howie Morenz hosted by Dick Irvin. opposite of cranky

HabsFan29 said...

*missed

HabsFan29 said...

ok cmon you fucking fuckers

GoldenGirl11 said...

47 remotes and none work. Couldn't be bothered to get up to change the channel. Part of the lethargy I like to call Habs on Saturday afternoon.

boob gainey said...

Fucking Sens stop fucking blocking our shots.

HabsFan29 said...

how long did carbo say it's been without a regular strength goal? forever?

kevincrumbs said...

Chicken is a strong motherfucker.

boob gainey said...

OK this should be more entertaining than the actual hockey.

Reports that someone wants to buy the Lightning and cut the salary mass.

You know what that means ...

moeman said...

cole, aka the asshole, 'does his job' by asking Carbo about the non story of TFS vs. Vodkov non-story. Asshole.

kevincrumbs said...

If Squid is hurt...

HabsFan29 said...

oh god no. not squid

Chenny13 said...

Fuck me. I don't know if I can take Squid being hurt.

RiRi said...

There`s always next year...

boob gainey said...

Holy Shot that looks like an awful injury.

RiRi said...

Please God, he`s all we have.

Chenny13 said...

It's his knee/ankle buckling beneath him. That looks nasty...

GoldenGirl11 said...

I think I've fallen into a coma.

Oh look. A knee for a knee. Blech!

kevincrumbs said...

Hamr... Jesus!

kevincrumbs said...

Bob Cole all but accusing Max of diving. Fuck off.

RiRi said...

The hockey gods owe us a 4-minute PP.

kevincrumbs said...

Seriously, what fucking penalty did the Habs supposedly get away with, you fucking useless fuck!?

HabsFan29 said...

eases the pain a bit

kevincrumbs said...

Come on, Habs! Take that, Bob Cole!

moeman said...

The crowd is alive again.

Gio!

Chenny13 said...

Hm. Well, I would gladly have taken a loss this game if it means that Squid wouldn't be injured. But I'm happy for a goal nonetheless.

moeman said...

Sing it with me kidz, Work the Sens to overtime ...

Chenny13 said...

I think that I've forgotten what it feels like to score 5 on 5

kevincrumbs said...

Just when I was thinking to myself that I hadn't seen Darche Vader in awhile...

kevincrumbs said...

Thank you, Jaro.

RiRi said...

What are Gill and MAB doing in OT??? MAB, I get but Gill?? And on at the same time?

RiRi said...

Nevermind, that penalty just answered my question.

kevincrumbs said...

Haha, Spezza.

moeman said...

heh, nice move Spezz-dispenser.

boob gainey said...

Why is MAB back on the ice? His mistake caused the pen to Gill.

HabsFan29 said...

aw crap

Chenny13 said...

This will be an interesting end to a game.

Oh, wait, no. We still suck.

kevincrumbs said...

Ugh. Oh well, can anyone really say that we really deserved two points?

RiRi said...

FUCK.

Chenny13 said...

All I can say is that I really, REALLY hope that Squid is more or less fine. If it's anything serious, I might crawl into a hole.

moeman said...

Betcha TFS starts the next game.

Take the point.

Go Canucks!

moeman said...

@kc, yeah I think we deserved at least a point.

GoldenGirl11 said...

Another mediocre point. So average. So plain. So terribly plain. Like Cheese Whiz. You always think it's going to be good but it's terrible.

Number31 said...

I said win this for Cammy... Now I'm crying for Cammy! T_T

No kneejerk reaction trades please. This season isn't worth losing prospects to save regardless of the chance... They better call up Brock Trotter. (He's the same type of player as Cammy).

But what is it with out team and players without much injury history facing devastating injury once they're here?

moeman said...

@GG, mix that CHeese whiz with some spicy salsa and mic it for a tasty dip.

gillis said...

What do you call an empty jar of Cheese Whiz...? Cheese Was

dwgs said...

It wasn't just Gill and MAB on together in OT, Weber was out there as well. No offense to the kid but if you're going to throw him out in the OT how about giving him some support?.
Cammy's knee looked real bad, I am not full of hope.

kevincrumbs said...

So, if we finished out of the playoffs and end up with something like the 10th pick, anyone know who we might possibly be projected to get? More importantly, have we thought of nicknames for this unnamed player and know about his KD preferences?

Anonymous said...

We are now a lottery team...

the Maritimer

RiRi said...

I really hope this doesn`t mean D`Ags is coming back up. I mean he`s allowed another 3-4 games on his conditioning stint... He desperately needs them. Maybe they`ll give Brock Trotter a chance. It only made sense that the only Top 6 forward to not miss any games this season got injured.

Fun Fact: Cammy is third in 5-on-5 goals, right after Crosby and Ovie. Ugh. The good news just keeps multiplying.

Chenny13 said...

Well, if it makes anyone feel better, Foligno is out 6-8 weeks with a broken leg after blocking a shot...It didn't help me out at all, but who knows.

Number31 said...

Chenny13 - I'm actually surprised with all the shots Slippy has sent into people's shinpads that this is the first broken leg.

Yea it's cliche, but I can name a bunch of players on this team that now need to step the fuck up. And I'm not talking about the fucking goalies either.

kevincrumbs - Nino Niederreiter?

gillis said...

I think we can all agree on a trade the Bob needs to work on before the deadline...

lawyergirl77 said...

Twitter is exploding about the Laffs trade... Heck "Giguere" and "Leafs" are trending worldwide. Sigh.

Waiting for RDS/Franco media to start bitching about how BG needs to do something like this/should have done something like this weeks ago/should have traded one of our goalies to the Laffs for Beauchemin (snort)/BG sucks blah blah blah... in 3...2....1...

HabsFan29 said...

holy crap you go out for a few hours and Toronto explodes

Ronan said...

Phaneuf, Komi$arek, and "The Monster", all on one team? TSN better be stocking up on towels...


(hey, does this mean we get to make sloppy seconds jokes about the Laffs? AWESOME!)

Chenny13 said...

+1 Ronan. Heh. They should just rename Toronto to McSploogeville.

Pepe Le Pew said...

I guess they Leafs will now only loose their games 1-0.

Jason Blake, Matt Stajan, Niklas Hagman and Jamal Mayers out... Leaves them with Kessel and Gravolski to score goals.

kevincrumbs said...

@LG77: Yeah, that's my worry too. I hope that BG doesn't feel any need to make a trade for the sake of it, unless it's to ship out $$$$ contracts for picks.

boob gainey said...

The Leafs had the 29th best team in the league, no draft picks in the foreseeable future, and not too many prospects.

The only bright spot was their cap space for next year, which would have allowed them to sign some free agents.

Now they don't even have that.

HA HA HA HA.

Number31 said...

Jason Blake still won't get a suntan in Anaheim.