The Morning Skate for Tuesday, March 3rd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of someone finally investigating TicketMaster...

• You missed nothing.

Seriously, the only game last night was #15 in the West vs. #15 in the East. Kill me. And no one interesting seems to be getting traded. There's about 32 hours left until the deadline; we're tired and bored already.

Rhino getting pretty sick and tired of the 401

Ryan O'Byrne has been recalled from Hamilton. Again. Man he must be nauseous from the up and down business.

On the plus side, we can only hope this means Panger is back from Hawaii and has a certain member of the Habs D corps in his trunk. And only 2 games shy of 1000! Well done Panger!

More likely this means Bob is working and has something in the works?

The Morning Skate for Monday, March 2nd

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of being a Canadian champion and a hot babe...

• Don't bury the Pens just yet. Malkin leads the way in a 4-1 win over the Stars and the Pens are in the 8th spot;
• If you want to worry about an East team, may I suggest the Panthers? They beat the Capitals for fraks's sake, 6-2;
  
• Jerome Iginla becomes the Flames all-time leading scorer but they lose to the Lightning 8-6;
• It's like Brodeur never left. Gets his 100th career shutout in a 3-0 win over the Flyers.

Ahh, March. The beginning of "check standings like a maniac" time.

What a Shitty Time to Empathize With Sharks: Habs 3 - Endangered Sharks 2

Isn't he adorable?

I have found a place and it is good, and it is beautiful and it is heavenly. It's called Chez Serge. It's a tavern on the Main in Montreal. They have tons of HD screens, far more than necessary, but you can never have too many HD screens. They have scores of die-hard fans in Habs jerseys. The single ones will be happy to know that one can try one's pick-up lines there and have some success. You just better be cheering for the right team. 

The place is awesome and I'm never going to watch another game away from home anywhere else. I'll watch cricket there for god's sake. I'll watch a Mira dart tournament.

What a place to see the Habs explode circa 2008 in the first period against league leading San Jose. Cross-ice passes, gorgeous exchanges between forwards, intuition and anticipation between the players. It was a sight to see and the Chez Serge was roaring. 

I spent the entire first intermission wondering how quickly the Sharks would tie the score. You can circa 2008 all you want, this is 2009 and these are not the same Habs. I'll give credence to that circa stuff in a month after the team will have solidified a hold on 4th place, not traded Kovalev, acquired a legitimate centre, revived Maxim Lapierre, welcomed Gui! back from Hayden diaper changing, and resurrected Carey's career. Check that last one, if Jaro plays like this throughout March, forget about seeing Price in the playoffs. This becomes Jaro's team and management suddenly has a brand new formula to chew on.

So the Habs withstand a San Jose comeback thanks to Jaro's heroics and an incredible paddle save in the third. People are all "Lets's kill the Sharks!" and stampeding down St-Laurent back to their cars. Sharks suck! Drown the Sharks ! Can you actually drown a Shark?

So I go back home with a couple of friends and we stumble across this documentary I taped a while back called Sharkwater. I'm thinking, this could be cool for a Saturday night (I'm obviously not 21 anymore)  and we start watching this movie on what I thought would be the life of sharks and migration, gestation, shark sex, premature shark ejaculation, shark orgasms, shark affairs, shark divorces, shark custody battles, shark alimony payments, you know, the usual.

But it turns out that it's this story about the vital role Sharks play in the ecosystem, and how they maintain a balance in the waters that allow for carbon dioxide to be released in the atmosphere and LET US BREATHE AIR TO STAY ALIVE. They aren't this killing machine, only 5 people succumbing to shark attacks a year. They're actually quite shy. And they're dying. Shark finning has become a multi million dollar mafia trade. 90% of the shark population has disappeared. We've all bought in to the popular depiction of the vicious shark because of glorified images and representations of what sharks are supposed to mean and do to people. When Steven Speilberg filmed Jaws, he sealed the shark's fate. He tapped into our psyches with terrifying images and unforgettable scenes of carnage. In the process, he desensitized en masse our consideration for their plight. Can you believe it? Speilberg may have started a shark holocaust.

So now I feel all guilty that we've beaten the Sharks and that I cheered for their demise. It's as if I had cheered against a team called the San Jose Ozones, or the San Jose Jews, or the San Jose Unicefs. What a dick I was.

Pray for me, for I have sinned and am wrapped in heavy shame. We are all sinners this morning Habs fans.  Shark wins are good for us all. The better the Shark fares, the easier we can breathe. Go Sharks. Go Oxygen! And Boooooo shark fin Mafia!

We'll do anything for a good streak - Sharks Game Preview and Open Thread

After yesterday, our new streak is "hot chicks Tom Brady has had sex with"

Greetings from the Adirondacks, from this "remote mountain lodge" with high-speed internet and five channels of ESPN. What a time to be alive. So let's take a quick look at tonight's game with one of my patented long-winded run-on paragraphs. The game starts at 7 PM at the Phone Booth, and it's on CBC for viewers in Quebec, Alberta and B.C. The rest of you losers have to suffer through the Sens-Leafs suckfest. Habs have won 3 in a row! [has heart attack]. The Sharks may be good. They've won five of six and lead the league with 93 points. The Chum Bucket is fucking funny. Pleks and Kovy seem to be on their way back to being last year's models, 7 points in 3 and 8 points in 4 respectively. I'm sure I don't need to tell you to keep an eye on Thornton and Marleau for the Sharks. No doubt the Montreal rfaithful will greet Claude Lemieux warmly. Now let's talk special teams. Habs are over 40% on the PP since The Semitic Saviour's arrival (now all the way up to 17th!), and can't seem to find a 5 on 3 PK they can't kill. The Sharks, however, have the 2nd best PP and 6th best PK in the league. Nice combo. Habs going with the exact same lineup as last night, including Jaroslav Allah. Nabokov has the sniffles, so Brian Boucher will be between the stripper poles for the Sharks. How about some Shark Porn for your post-game adult entertainment? It's not what you think.

Go Pants, baby! Except for you Bridget. Then it's Go No Pants.

Phantom Penalties to the Rescuuuuue! Habs 4 - Flyers 3 (O.T)

Alex Kovalev's family celebrates another three-point showing for the talented Russian

At first, it looked like the train wreck we have often shielded our eyes from. Two quick goals, a slow and stunned Canadiens' squad once again hurt by terrible mistakes in their own zone and an unwillingness to pay the price in front of their own net.

It must have been a weird opening faceoff for Glen Metropolit, who grinned a helpless grin at his former teammates at centre ice. 

It was a clumsy first for Roman Hamrlik who has looked nothing like the man Bob Gainey acquired last year. In the spectrum of giveaways, Hamrlik didn't simply "cough" the puck up, he "tuberculosised" the puck up. I'm not kidding. It looked like this.

- Mike Richards: Hey, Roman, here's the puck.

-Roman: No thanks, I have tuberculosis, you can have it.

-Mike Richards: Geez, thanks Roman! Hope you feel better.

With 5 minutes left in the first, the Habs had had enough. They had been able to get some good shots on Antero Niittymaki, a name RDS strangely makes sound like a Japanese Formula 1 driver. "Nitoumaki's still in third, Matsuzaka's just behind! Button has overtaken Barrichiello but this race in Nuremberg is all about Nitoumaki!   The man's from Finland people. Finland. The only thing remotely Japanese about Finland is Mika Hakkinen, you know, in that strange David Hasselhoff in Germany kind of way.

The team finally came to life with Zombie Pleks doing the Zombie dance. Another goal on his resume over the last few games, and while he still stands as the worst 17-goal scorer in the league, we'll take'em all and do the Zombie with him every single time.

Greek Lightning hits a few seconds later and makes it a game. The Habs wouldn't stop there, with Kovalev wristing one right by Nakataka Nitoumaki. Flyer fans got mad, several Habs fans were probably molested in the washrooms during the first intermission but it's a small price to pay for victory, and trust me Habs fans, if you make the trek in a Habs uniform to watch a Habs game in Philly, you're all in this together. 

The game settled into a more tight checking affair, with Philly tying the score at 3 and Montreal incapable of getting anymore Zombie love, or Kovy After The Nap magic. Both teams traded chances throughout the third with nothing giving.

Can you all tell I stepped out after the first period and went out for supper? That's how you bullshit people. You just throw in the ambiguous "tight-checking game", "traded chances", yadayada. 

But I did watch the overtime and the Flyers got screwed by some less than reffing. Upshall gets called for goalie interference, while I don't think he so much as blinked at Halak. The power play was obviously designed to ignite fireworks in Jerusalem and make all observing Jews regret keeping the Sabbath and missing the game. Matty finally ended it after several attempts and we all broke out the chopped liver.

Kovy made a great move to thread the pass over to Matty on the winning goal and thousands of miles away, the strong Kovalev women pictured above celebrated into the wee hours of the afternoon.

Call it a great night for the Russians, the Zombies, and the Jews and a less than great one for the Japanese. Nitoumaki was seen after the game drunk at a karaoke bar.

TMS presents the Game Day Skate Flyers Preview and Open Thread (huh?)

Bullet points for what you missed while wondering what the fuck is going on at FHF headquarters today...

• Marty Brodeur laughs at your so-called "rust", gets his 99th career shutout in his return;
• Sharks bounce back from their Wings loss and beat the Sens;
• Some Leafs rookie gets the SO winner in his very first game;
• Bruins shutout the Ducks.

Hey did you hear that Tom Brady finally married Giselle Bundchen? Seems as good a reason as any to post

So FHF's lineup has been depleted this week. As noted yesterday, Panger is in Hawaii (fuck you Panger), and HF10 has been dealing with some family stuff (good stuff, not bad, so don't worry). And in a couple of hours yours truly is taking off for the weekend, leaving HF4 to mind the store for the killer Philly-Sharks Friday-Saturday double. So to help him out, your game preview is coming a little early today. And as befitting TMS (and the fact that I stil have to pack), you damn well better believe it's in bullet point form...

• 7 PM start in Philly, and it's on TSN;
• Habs have won two in a row! What a streak!
• Philly has taken 7 of 9, and has solidified their hold on that East 4th spot, 4 points up on the Habs with 2 games in hand;
• This is the game that always tears Kristin of eager to go psycho apart, given her dual loyalties;
• Pleks and Markov are your hot Habs. I kind of miss ZombiePleks for some reason;
• Mike Richards has 9 points in his last 4 games;
• We know that The Bratislava Bra is starting, but other than that it's tough to get lineup notes at 7 AM. Most like El Dandy won't play, as he's asked to be traded;
• Danny Brière is expected to come back tonight after missing the last 35 games;
• I can't even think about post-game adult entertainment at this hour. I've heard that there is porn on the internet, maybe you can find some.
  

Take care of each other in the comments today kids. Go Pants.

Menachem! Nooooooooo!!!!!

Just when you think you've got a chance for peace in the middle east, they ship your leader to Dallas.

Begin! Menachem, we'll miss you so! You who could stare down the enemy with bravery and might. You who could galvanize protest against the pervasive lack of the dedication that has ailed us for too long.

You, Menachem, whose eyes stared convincingly onto the horizon of hope and commitment. You, who led not with the emptiness of the word but with the abundance of the action.

You, Menachem, you have paved the way for a new generation of young men who will remember how much you toiled, and how moist the brows over your endless blue eyes were rendered by the toiling.

We will miss you Menachem, and in our sorrow, we may only wish that the man we welcome in exchange for your wrenching departure, Doug Janik, reveal himself as but a desperate fraction of the badass mutherfucker we grew to love.

Doug fucking Janik.   

The first of what will be too many posts about the trade deadline (e3)

This random photo of hot models is just to distract you from the fact that this post contains virtually no intelligent hockey analysis

With FHF resident actual hockey expert HFF33akaPanger sunning on the beaches of Hawaii (fuck you Panger), yours truly is forced to write this post. With the trade deadline less than a week away, let's take a quick look at what may or may not happen to some interesting players.

Jay Boouwmeester
Probably the most likely player to move prior to the deadline. But all of a sudden, the Panthers are actually good and may (will? should?) make the playoffs. We don't know how this affects their decisions about trading the pending UFA.

Chris Pronger
The Ducks are in salary cap hell, and Pronger's $6.25 mill contract ain't helping matters. With the Ducks sort of meh right now, expect some front-runner to grab Pronger to beef up the blueline.

Keith Tkachuk
He'll get traded, but he'll end up a Blue again anyway. It's some crazy Lost time loop thing.

Martin St. Louis / Vinny Lecavalier
Not. Happening. The Bolts have said as much, and the price will be too high anyway. They're here just to rile up Habs fans, or make them drool.

Marian Gaborik's hip
Damaged at the factory, could be available at a big discount.

Doug Weight / Bill Guerin
Let the Annual Pillaging of the Isles begin!

The Tronna Maple Leaves
Kaberle! Antropov! Kubina! Everything must go!

Let's hear your trade thoughts in the comments or I'll get Bob Mackenzie to sit on you.

The Morning Skate for Thursday, February 26th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of seeing a winning team play at the Olympic Stadium...

• Torts' debut for the Rangers didn't go so great as they lose to the Leafs in a shootout;
• Pens eke out a 1-0 win over the Isles without Sid;
• Flyers continue to be hot, shutout the Kings:
• Claude Lemieux can't help the Sharks who lose to the Wings.

Seriously, congrats to the Impact. What a fucking run. Makes me want to go to Mexico next week.