Tremblay and le Tigre to battle it out on l'AntiCHambre

Mario. Michel. Death match. Should be exciting. This SO means Joel is going to the booth.

The Goat gets some work done, finally makes the most important signing of the summer

No, not him. I meant of course Pierre Allard, our new strength and conditioning coach. In addition, the Habs have added five new front office and scouting personnel. Former Hab Serge Boisvert (integral to the '86 Cup CHampions!) is now amateur scout for the province of Quebec. Now that we've thrilled BR with some francophones, we also have Ryan Jankowski as an amateur scout; he was formerly assistant GM of the Islanders. Because when you need to hire hockey personnel, your first thought should always be the Islanders. Christer Rockstrom will scout Europe, Vaughn Karpan will be a pro scout, and Ken Morin, a former McGill captain, was hired for the new position of "Hockey Information Coordinator." Because the one thing we need more of in Montreal is hockey information.

At least we know what The Goat has been up to while not signing you know who. Now he really has no excuses.

Yes, there's nothing to write about

Can someone wake me up when something happens? Problem is I can't go more than three days without posting something. It's a disease. So here's a preview of the Habs 2010-2011 lineup in highlight form. Give the video guy credit, he managed to find an Alex Auld highlight, such as it is. If you need to read something instead of watching stupid videos, my True Blood recap is up.

Zzzzzzzzzz.....

Sexy Friday would like TFS to FUCKING SIGN A CONTRACT ALREADY

"You know how I am, roll as you go," Price said. "I'm a restricted free agent, it's pretty much wait and see and come to an agreement that is fair to both sides."

Yeah, we know how you are, Dude. You roll as you go, you Phat Wale, that's for sure, no bongs for you. But some of us are starting to FREAK THE FUCK OUT. Negotiations are ongoing, everyone tells us. HOW MUCH FUCKING NEGOTIATION DO YOU NEED??? Seriously, it's not as if Habs management is out there swinging all sorts of deals and signing all sorts of free agents. They FUCKING HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO DO. So what is the major malfunction here? What is the holdup? Are the Habs low balling? Is the Phat Wale holding out for bigger bucks because of how instrumental he was in the Habs' run to the Eastern Conference Finals? Seriously, as a lawyer I have negotiated much more complicated deals in much less time than this has dragged on. I looked at a calendar today; it's almost fucking August! The summer is OVER. The season is just around the corner, and Cedric Desjardins will be our starter. GGGAAHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Happy Sexy Friday everyone.

Bettman says Oh God! There's no Way...

Gary Bettman has apparently nixed the 17-year deal the New Jersey Devils inked Ilya Kovalchuk to.

Bettman is reportedly worried that Ilya would be George Burns' age by the time the contract expired.

Just the name Ilya called for nostalgia. Ilya 17 ans, j'ai signé ce contrat de fou avec Lou, mais j'ai arrêté de jouer après 4 ans parce que la KHL m'a offert 3 milliards de dollars sur 54 ans. Je n'avais pas le choix.

So it's obvious Gary doesn't think this visual would be a great seller for the NHL.

These 17-year mammoths are only valid if you're signing your fist contract, after the rookie deal expires. Otherwise, you risk having the NHL tell you that this...

...is out of the question.

Gary, for once you and I see yarmulke to yarmulke.

It's safe to turn on RDS again!

In the greatest news in the history of the universe, it looks like Benoit Brunet will not be providing his, uh, unique brand of colour on RDS' Habs broadcasts anymore. Praise Jebus!

Now, there does not seem to be any news about this on any mainstream site anywhere, and while we love JT Utah over at 25Stanley and his penchant for being even dirtier than us, we'd like some confirmation. RDS seems totally silent, and BB is still up on their site. At the same time, he does not appear on the "animateurs and analystes" page, so that may be a clue, but he doesn't appear on a May 25th Google cache version either, so it's probably not. Look at me with the investigative journalism type stuff!

But whatever, this is a glorious day in the history of broadcasting! That is until he gets replaced in the booth by Joel Bouchard and his mile a minute delivery and we start pining for the days of Benny.

Many lap dances to newbie commentor Para for this most awesome of tips

What the hell, it's an Evening Skate

Bullet points for what you missed while wondering if TMS is in Korea or something, where it's morning. But there are a few things to catch up on. To wit:

• 17 years, $4o billion from the Devils for Kovalchuk. The amount may be exaggerated. The contract length, we assure you, is not. WEDNESDAY UPDATE: haha, just kidding;
• Stevie Y continues his Tampa makeover, acquiring Simon Gagne for Matt Walker and a fourth-rounder. Another francophone not playing in Montreal;
• The BR's of this world can at least be happy that the Habs have hired a local boy, Larry Carrière, as Assistant GM of Player Personnel. What kind of francophone name is Larry, anyway?
• Carey Price remains unsigned.

As you were.

Take me to your leader

So les Habitants have announced that next year, we will no longer be a rudderless team adrift in a sea of mediocrity. Or something like that. Yes, the Habs will have a captain this season, though Count Chokula was pretty shaky on the details. I have already made my choice, and JM says according to the article that it's "an individual who worked hard in our leadership group last year", so that would probably rule out Big Tits up there.

Welcome to Canada Andrei, eh?

Andrei Markov will take some time out from knee-rehabbing tomorrow to become a Canadian citizen. For once my experience as an immigration lawyer comes in handy on FHF! Canadian law says that he won't have to give up his Russian citizenship, he can be both. Of course, I don't know what Russian law says, but I'm guessing with a few rubles, you can do what the fuck you want.

I'd like to say that this is awesome and he's doing it because he loves Canada and wants to show how much he appreciates it here, but it's probably for tax reasons.

Members of Golden Mishpauchah Getting Screwed by Habs

There aren't enough Jews in hockey and this really doesn't help our cause.