It's a Sexy Friday the 13th Morning Skate

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Sophie Monk in a bikini...

• Well, you can imagine our surprise, when after a 0-0 first period that literally put us to sleep, we awoke to find the Habs had scored 4 goals! 2 on the PP! And won in regulation! Then we looked at the shot totals (20 apiece!) and are impressed the rest of you stayed awake. More later;
• Ray Emery gets some sweet, sweet revenge, then possibly kicks the crap out of someone, beating his former team 5-1;
• Boston loses in a shootout in a real goalie battle;
• Devils take care of the Pens, in Pensburgh, going to 9-0 on the road. Wow;
• Kovy comes back, gets 3 points to help the Thrash beat the Rangers;
• We're pretty sure there were some games involving Western teams;
• In case you missed it in the comments yesterday, Komi is out for 3 weeks.

Here are your highlights. Includes actual Habs goals!

Meh, whatever, it's a Coyotes game preview and open thread

My excitement for this team has hit bottom. I'm not gonna say rock bottom, because there are still like, a bunch of games to go. Plenty of time to really bring out the suckage. But we're almost a quarter of the way into the season, and my attitude can be nicely summed up in one word, meh. Is that even a word? Who the fuck knows. Let's hit the bullet points to discover why I'm so blah about this team:

• We can't score. 2 measly goals in our last 3 games;
• This team really doesn't play anything that could be described as "entertaining hockey";
• Losing. This team has more regulation losses than any team in the league except the woeful Hurricanes;
• Beyond the Giant Mexican Squid and Pleks, no one seems to be doing anything out there except "skating" around in a purple haze;
• There is no way I can envision this team doing anything in the playoffs, if they even make it that far;
• The man who should be our most exciting player, TFS, seems to be rife with issues, maybe media-imposed, maybe self-imposed, who knows;
• This whole cash grab 100th anniversary celebration has turned into a farce, if not a downright embarrassment;
• We suck.

Your reasons may differ.

OK enough with my old man complaining about you kids on my lawn, let's go back to the bullets to set up the game. I'm too meh to do anything else. And it's a game that I'm totally meh about, given that it's Phoenix. Ooh, feel the history. Of bankruptcy court.

• 9 PM ET start at Jobing.com Arena. I'll be sleeping by midway through the 2nd;
• Habs have lost 3 of their last 4, as have the Yotes. This is the only meeting this season between the teams;
• Five for Howling is a good source for all things Phoenix;
• There are no hot Habs;
• Conversely, everyone is cold. More specifically, The Urologist has zero points in 8 games (and counting);
• Did you know the Habs lead the league in minor penalties? You do now. I think about half of them have been for shooting the puck over the glass;
  
• Yotes riding some great golatending from Bryzgalov, who's in the top 5 in the league in GAA, save %, and shutouts;
• Shane Doan is worth a point per game. Gang Bang Lang (god I miss that) has 8 points this season;
  
• Lines at practice yesterday were GMS, Pleks-Tits-Pyatt, Metro-Moen-PatCHes, Laps-Gui:(-White. Once again, CHips gets screwed;
• My favourite quote from all my reading for this preview, from Jaro 2.0: "If we scored three or four goals a night, we’d be a totally different team." Amen, Jaro;
  
• For your post-game adult entertainment, just go walk around an Arizona State campus. Here's some of what you'll see.

Let's hear your thoughts in the comments Or not, I don't care. Meh, whatever.

UPDATE - oh look, there's a game review from 4 just below this. Go read it.

Flames 1 - Saint-Nicks 0 ... No, I mean Flames 1 - Wild 0, ... No, I mean Flames 1 - 80s Devils 0

Just wanna squeeze this one in before we start commenting on the game tonight at Do Not Pass Go Do Not Collect 200$ Arena.

Quantitatively, I will offer you as many words on the game as the Habs gave you goals.

Have a nice day.

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, November 12th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of FOX canceling yet another Joss Whedon show...

• No Ovie, no problem for the Caps, who use an 11-round shootout to win again without him;
• Sabres also win again, time to recognize they're pretty good;
• Canes, on the other hand, are not;
  
• Maybe Detroit can teach the Habs how to score;
• The Leafs are the most valuable franchise in the NHL. Habs are third. Apparently suckiness doesn't hurt value.

Habs head to the desert tonight for what I'm sure will be a huge crowd in Phoenix.

The Morning Skate Remembers for November 11th

After another loss, it's always good for some perspective. And today is a good day for perspective. I think I said this in last year's Remembrance Day Post but I want to say again - I hate it when sports announcers and journalists and even players use war metaphors to describe games. War is war; sports are a diversion. Sports aren't life and death, even though sometimes we treat them that way. Soldiers fighting to protect our freedom is really life and death. Remember that.

Golly! It's an old-timey Flames Preview and Open Thread

Who does this floozie think she is?

I reckon the Club Athletique Canadien is having a pretty average National Hockey Association season. While we have some dillies playing, the squad is hovering around the .500 mark. And we are coming off a depressing loss to the Renfrew Creamery Kings. Tonight's match starts promptly at 7:30 at the Montreal Arena. Get yourself all gussied up, catch the #11 streetcar at Craig Street and ride it all the way there.

Our club has some very keen players right now. Newsy Lalonde is tearing up the league at more than a goal per game pace. Didier Pitre is right there with him. Georges "I hope some day they name a trophy after me" Vézina is continuing his outstanding rookie campaign, leading the league in GAA. The rest of our boys - Poulin, Bernier, Laviolette, and Betrand nous font fiers, unlike those English pig dog Wanderers. I do find this English-French divide depressing however. I'm sure one day it will all be cleared up. I can only imagine that some day the newspapermen of the future will applaud the ethnic and cultural diversity this Canadiens team will have, if only the Czar would stop oppressing the Russian players and let them seek their fortune in North America.

But nuts! This team is really getting my goat. We are making a lot of boners in our defensive zone, leaving poor Vézina alone to get fed to the wolves. Maybe the rigours of the 16-game schedule are finally catching up to us. Gee willikers, playing like this, there is really no way we can catch the Ottawa Hockey Club in the standings.

For your post-game naughty entertainment joint, head over to Sammy's in the basement of 231 St. James Street (knock four times and ask for Jimmy). Rumour has it the ladies are exposing their ankles there now.

Are you jazzed for the game? Let's hear it in the comments.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, November 10th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Marissa Miller in a bikini...

• Jonathan Toews comes back from concussion and scores in the Hawks 4-1 win over the Kings;
• The latest suspension in the latest nasty hit incident;
• BR takes on the Bell Centre boo-birds;
• Puck Daddy reports on the $1ok price tag on Toe Blake's head.
  

Habs lose to play the red-hot Flames tonight.

It's the obligatory classy and snark-free Hall of Fame post!

Mazel Tov to the incredible Hall class being enshrined today:

• Stevie Y
  
• Brett "I'm an American, dammit" Hull
• Luuuuuuc Robitaille (I actually had a CEGEP class with him once, but that's a story for another time)
• Brian "Who me? I never played for the Leafs" Leetch
• Evil genius and satanic servant Lou Lamoriello

OK, some snark. But seriously, that's some fucking group. Next year, Lindros will sully them all.

The Morning Skate for Monday, November 9th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the fall of the Berlin Wall...

• Avs finally lose at home;
• Atlanta takes a shootout win in from the Blues;
• François Gagnon has a very reasonable take on Saturday night's game;
• Little Tits scores the only goal in the Bulldogs win in Ottawa last night.

New week, new hope. Maybe not.

Lightning Crashes Habs INSTA-REVIEW - Tampa 3 - Montreal 1

We just need the creepy bald angel from the "Lightning Crashes" video for the entire Lightning cliche catalogue

Well, the CBC hasn't even taken us over to Don Cherry's Maple Leaf lovefest yet and here's the Lightning Fast Insta-Review. Bear with us, cause this is going to be even more stream of consciousness than usual:


Plan the Parade: Uh, no. There will be no parade this year, unless Andrei Markov is WAY better than we all think. However, some pluses for tonight included:

• Pleks, still decidedly un-Zombielike. Another solid performance, even doing Mad Max the Pussy's (tm Pee-air McSplooge) job by getting so far under Vinny Lecavalier's skin he was itching like he just slept with one of the girls he met back in junior in Rimouski. Days until the gnashing of teeth because Pleks prices himself out of the Habs range: 134.
• Big Tits, less Zombielike with each passing moment. A few nice moves, seemed engaged, even threw himself a big hit. Baby steps for the epileptic dullard, eh?
• The kids, Max-Pac, Carle, Whitey, Pyatt. None of them are burners, none of them have can't miss written all over them right now, but none of them looked out of place. Once again, Panger's boy Chips is getting passed by on the depth chart. Poor bugger.
  
• The Urologist, not looking like he learned defence from a correspondence course (tm Moeman). This evening, abysmal he was not. Well, that's something, I guess.
  
• Price, not giving up a backbreaking, stupid goal. Of course, he's not off the hook entirely(see below).
• Coach Martin, who appears to have a plan in place. The Habs came out flying at the start of each period, adjustments seem to be made during intermissions, and when the lines start shuffling it doesn't seem to be desparate grab-bag bullshit. I think he's a very good coach and may actually win this team some games by outsmarting someone on the other side.
  
• Giant Mexican Squid, not infalible but hella fun to watch. AnnTaylorNinnyChicomaki made a half dozen stops when GMS was buzzing that would have made this game look a whole lot different.
• Glen Metropolit, still awesome. That is all.
  

The Sky is Falling: Remember when a loss to the Lightning would have been a disaster? I can't remember when the Habs just trampled one of these fucking Southern division teams and it pisses me off. I grew up watching this franchise steal the lunch money of teams like LA, Pittsburgh, the old Atlanta Flames and Minnesota North Stars week-in, week-out. This new NHL shit blows. Also blowing:

• The defence on the first goal. Hey, Hamrlik, how about fucking hitting the guy in front of the net before he gets his FOURTH free whack at the puck?
• The defence on the second goal. Hey, Hamrlik, how about fucking tying up your man on the backcheck instead of letting him get a free shot on the rebound? Which brings us to ...
• The big, fat whale Cari rebound on the second goal. Ugh. And come to think of it, Price should probably have had that third goal too. It beat him and hit the post, then the refs got it wrong on the replay, but an inch lower and it was in clean. Bad luck, but he needed to do better.
  
• Seriously, I know Hamr is doing some heavy lifting right now, but there was a point late in the second where the man had a wide-open shot from the point and his shot was so weak he wouldn't have broken Alex Tanguay with it. Someone get him some time in the hyperbaric chamber or a night off.
• Oh, of course Mr. Glass Tanguay comes back and scores a goal. Stupid pussy fucker. Naturally, he also left the game with an injury at one point. Probably his ovaries.
• Hey, notice I didn't mention Gui or Mad Max yet? It's because they did sweet fuck all. Again. Sit both their asses for fuck's sake.
  
• ABC is showing Cinncinati/UConn as their primetime game. Is it an Elite Eight match-up in the NCAA tourney? Why no, it's a fucking football game. Because you know, a match-up full of hot babes in the stands like USC/Arizona State or a legendary traditional rivalry like Oklahoma/Nebraska isn't on right now somewhere in the continental US. Yeah, I know that has nothing to do with the game, but fuck me, Cinncinati/UConn?!!?!

Chez Paree bound? Well, I wouldn't kick any of the guys mentioned in the Plan the Parade section out, but I sure as hell ain't letting them skip the line. The Habs didn't play all that bad tonight, but AnnTaylorNinnyChicoMaki played great and they lost. Unfortunately, this looks like the lot for this team unless GMS starts potting two a game or Pleks gets some damn help. This team looks more and more like a 7th or 8th seed that's going out in the first round, unless Price continues to morph into the actual TMS and Markov comes back as some sort of Orr/Lidstrom hybrid (the Orrdstrom?).