Saturday, November 07, 2009

Lightning Crashes Habs INSTA-REVIEW - Tampa 3 - Montreal 1

We just need the creepy bald angel from the "Lightning Crashes" video for the entire Lightning cliche catalogue

Well, the CBC hasn't even taken us over to Don Cherry's Maple Leaf lovefest yet and here's the Lightning Fast Insta-Review. Bear with us, cause this is going to be even more stream of consciousness than usual:

Plan the Parade: Uh, no. There will be no parade this year, unless Andrei Markov is WAY better than we all think. However, some pluses for tonight included:
  • Pleks, still decidedly un-Zombielike. Another solid performance, even doing Mad Max the Pussy's (tm Pee-air McSplooge) job by getting so far under Vinny Lecavalier's skin he was itching like he just slept with one of the girls he met back in junior in Rimouski. Days until the gnashing of teeth because Pleks prices himself out of the Habs range: 134.
  • Big Tits, less Zombielike with each passing moment. A few nice moves, seemed engaged, even threw himself a big hit. Baby steps for the epileptic dullard, eh?
  • The kids, Max-Pac, Carle, Whitey, Pyatt. None of them are burners, none of them have can't miss written all over them right now, but none of them looked out of place. Once again, Panger's boy Chips is getting passed by on the depth chart. Poor bugger.
  • The Urologist, not looking like he learned defence from a correspondence course (tm Moeman). This evening, abysmal he was not. Well, that's something, I guess.
  • Price, not giving up a backbreaking, stupid goal. Of course, he's not off the hook entirely(see below).
  • Coach Martin, who appears to have a plan in place. The Habs came out flying at the start of each period, adjustments seem to be made during intermissions, and when the lines start shuffling it doesn't seem to be desparate grab-bag bullshit. I think he's a very good coach and may actually win this team some games by outsmarting someone on the other side.
  • Giant Mexican Squid, not infalible but hella fun to watch. AnnTaylorNinnyChicomaki made a half dozen stops when GMS was buzzing that would have made this game look a whole lot different.
  • Glen Metropolit, still awesome. That is all.
The Sky is Falling: Remember when a loss to the Lightning would have been a disaster? I can't remember when the Habs just trampled one of these fucking Southern division teams and it pisses me off. I grew up watching this franchise steal the lunch money of teams like LA, Pittsburgh, the old Atlanta Flames and Minnesota North Stars week-in, week-out. This new NHL shit blows. Also blowing:
  • The defence on the first goal. Hey, Hamrlik, how about fucking hitting the guy in front of the net before he gets his FOURTH free whack at the puck?
  • The defence on the second goal. Hey, Hamrlik, how about fucking tying up your man on the backcheck instead of letting him get a free shot on the rebound? Which brings us to ...
  • The big, fat whale Cari rebound on the second goal. Ugh. And come to think of it, Price should probably have had that third goal too. It beat him and hit the post, then the refs got it wrong on the replay, but an inch lower and it was in clean. Bad luck, but he needed to do better.
  • Seriously, I know Hamr is doing some heavy lifting right now, but there was a point late in the second where the man had a wide-open shot from the point and his shot was so weak he wouldn't have broken Alex Tanguay with it. Someone get him some time in the hyperbaric chamber or a night off.
  • Oh, of course Mr. Glass Tanguay comes back and scores a goal. Stupid pussy fucker. Naturally, he also left the game with an injury at one point. Probably his ovaries.
  • Hey, notice I didn't mention Gui or Mad Max yet? It's because they did sweet fuck all. Again. Sit both their asses for fuck's sake.
  • ABC is showing Cinncinati/UConn as their primetime game. Is it an Elite Eight match-up in the NCAA tourney? Why no, it's a fucking football game. Because you know, a match-up full of hot babes in the stands like USC/Arizona State or a legendary traditional rivalry like Oklahoma/Nebraska isn't on right now somewhere in the continental US. Yeah, I know that has nothing to do with the game, but fuck me, Cinncinati/UConn?!!?!
Chez Paree bound? Well, I wouldn't kick any of the guys mentioned in the Plan the Parade section out, but I sure as hell ain't letting them skip the line. The Habs didn't play all that bad tonight, but AnnTaylorNinnyChicoMaki played great and they lost. Unfortunately, this looks like the lot for this team unless GMS starts potting two a game or Pleks gets some damn help. This team looks more and more like a 7th or 8th seed that's going out in the first round, unless Price continues to morph into the actual TMS and Markov comes back as some sort of Orr/Lidstrom hybrid (the Orrdstrom?).


Number31 said...

Frankly they played with zero convinction for most of the game... but the Lightning D actually did their job snuffing out any thing. All that pressure? Pressure where? Flutter pucks and candy sticks.

Gui needs to park his ass down in front like Malone. But even if he did he would probably fan on the puck.

Also, I didn't know Jaro's agent was a forum troll. What a fucktard. I'd fire his ass tomorrow...

Ronan said...

I can't bring myself to blame Hamr... who the hell plays a half-hour per game, with first-string PP AND PK time, at age 35? Even Lidstrom only plays 25 minutes a game, and he doesn't hit. For God's sake, Bob, bring up Belle and sit MAB!

Lecavalier is such a dirty bitch, and Tanguay looks distinctly ratlike - I can't decide whether it's his ill-considered decision to grow facial hair or the worrying growth of his two front teeth.

Oh, and refs? I know we would've lost this game without you, but fuck off anyway.

blaz said...

AnnTaylorNinnyChicomaki is brilliant.

WV: reephe, as in is it possible all the reepherees in this league are shite?

moeman said...


lawyergirl77 said...

Fuck Halak's agent. Jaro doesn't deserve to be represented by such a classless douchebag. "Get a sense of humour" - honey, you're a lawyer. Aside from the four fine gentlemen who run this site, we have NO sense of humour.

Especially when we're tweeting about our clients, for frak's sake.


Topic? I wasn't at the game last night. Haven't been since last week (also couldn't go to the Atlanta game).
I'm not all that confident anymore... Crap. I love this team but they don't gots no love for me.

moeman said...

A hockey joke to CHeer everyone up.

Ben Dugas said...

Two goals in two games.
Is it time to bring up Little Tit?

Number31 said...

Little Tits needs some good linemates so I'd say yes. However I think crazy coach Martin would still say no... At least he gets Guy Boucher.

Going to Ottawa to see the Bulldogs get their revenge! Right? Of course!

GoldenGirl11 said...

Is the internet great or what. Old Jews telling jokes. Love that. I think I'll google Young goyim telling jokes to see what pops up.

Michael said...

@GG11 Young goyim telling jokes:
Goy 1: "Take my wife .... please."
Goy 2: "Why? She's your wife. That wouldn't seem right."
What does a WASP say when his wife has an orgasm?
"Is something wrong, dear? You flinched."
Moses takes a stroll out onto the Red Sea. Jesus tries to follow and sinks up to his nostrils.
Moses: "Goyishe kop! Use the stones."
Bada-boom. We got a million of 'em
I'm here till Thursday.
Try the steak-and-kidney pie.

The Gate To The Groin For Yannick Bertrand said...

I tuned in to the game a little late - in the middle of the American anthem - and I noticed it sounded like a lot of people were booing the opera lady. Anybody at the game able to confirm/deny this, and if it's true, any reason behind it? Or was it just because she's no Charles?

Michael said...

What you heard as boos was actually repeated cries of "Show us your tits!" It worked once with Leontyne (no relation to Carey) Price.

GoldenGirl11 said...

In keeping with the theme of humour, bar mitzvah and positive thinking this weekend this one is for LG, the new Habs cheerleader...

A group of elderly Jewish men meet every Wednesday for a coffee and a chat.

They drink their coffee and then sit for hours discussing the world situation. Usually, their discussion is very negative.

One day, Moishe surprises his friends by announcing, loud and clear, "You know what? I've now become an optimist."

Everyone is totally shocked and all conversation dries up.

But then Sam notices something isn't quite right and he says to Moishe, "Hold on a minute, if you're an optimist, why are you looking so worried?"

Moishe replies, "Nu? You think it's easy being an optimist?"

Love Shrek but after yesterday I can't even think about food (and Cholent is a much funnier word than kidney pie)

L Dude said...
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L Dude said...
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Ian Vitro said...

Hamrlik has been amazing. My only complaint is that he can only play 30 min a game.

MAB might have remembered how to turn around on skates. I feel like a proud father.

Glen Metropolit = best Hab surprise since Doug Gilmour. At least.

Defense on the first goal - Hey Gorges, instead of leaving your man completely unhindered while you fool about playing goalie, howsabout you clear that motherfucker out of the crease?

Defense on the second goal: Haven't you guys learned about Price's rebounds by now? Because our competition certainly has...

Tanguay got two points last night, not one. Because he's awesome, and we should have held on. Tampa got one hell of a deal.

WF = vache. No kidding.

lawyergirl77 said...

*still laughing re: flinching joke*

And GG11 - story of my life. But I'm not a total optimist - I don't think, for example, that we're in the top 5 of the league. I totally agree with the "Parity Division" argument. We're not the best, but we're not the worst. I'm cool with that for now.

And at least it will be interesting to watch us scratch and claw our way into a playoff spot, inshallah...

Habsfan10 said...

@ Ian:

Hamrlik has played about as well as he can, but he blew it on the first two goals on Saturday.

I never said Tanguay got one point. I said he got one goal.

Lizardking89 said...

What the hell does TMS stand for when referring to Price. Love the Blog btw.

HabsFan29 said...

@Lizardking - i think 10 was just tired and wrote TMS when it should have been TFS

Lizardking89 said...

I thought he meant TFS but what does it stand for, dying to know lol.

HabsFan29 said...


Lizardking89 said...

gotcha ty!