Saturday, May 30, 2009

The Stanley Cup Finallys!!!


It's always been a kind of anomaly. Once the puck drops on the most important tournament in hockey, the Stanley Cup Finals, 98.4% of the hockey world, including hockey-mad Montreal, has stopped giving a shit.

But there are plenty of reasons to give a shit even if this series feels like it's being played 12 years after the season started, in the middle of a small village in Peru.

Finally, Sidney Crosby.

We get to see two more weeks of one of the best individual runs ever. Runs that would make the ones I had in Mexico a while back envious. Maybe the Kid lifts the Cup at the end of this, far earlier than we had all expected.

It's about time, Gino Malkin.

He responded beautifully to critics who had labelled him a dud in the early stages of the Washington series. The Art Ross Trophy winner is playing with so much pizzaz I'm giving him the Diana Ross Trophy too.

What took you so long, Back to Back Finalists...

This hasn't happened since the Oilers exacted revenge on the Islanders in 1984, foiling NYI's attempt to share bragging rights the Rocket's Habs, and saving Montrealers from sharing anything related in History with Long Island.

Do you know how long we've been waiting for you Detroit, you repeat Champion?

Last time a city enjoyed back to back parades was in 98 when the Wings delivered two successive titles to Motor City. I'm thinking that morale must be low in Detroit these days, you know with the collapsing economy and shit, and the fact that people seem to favor riding around in hot air balloons over a fucking Chrysler.  So maybe Detroit deserves another Cup. Fuck that, Jules Verne rules.

I absolutely love the fact that Montreal is still eliminated

Stay where you are you dreadful Habs, don't move. I love you best when you're not in a hockey arena on skates. How bad is the press in Montreal that throws about 1554785506960 journalists to cover a team practice, that they all get scooped by a paper in fucking Bhbdhbfkjjngfnfgmgninsky!!!!!! Is Saks out? Probably. Is Kovy worth 7M? I think Kovy should be paid what Shia Lebeouf was paid for his staring role in Disturbia. 

Datsyuk and Lidstrom Out? Can Chelly hold the Cup over his head?

If this is to be the fantastic rematch we're all waiting for, then we want all guns firing. Can the Wings overcome a Datsyuk-Lidstrom-less lineup? Could the Habs overcome A Markov-Schneider-less lineup? Oh, yes, that team had no character, or courage (not you Saku, yes you everyone else). The Wings looked splendid (notice how often Red Fisher uses that word?) without its stars, with others coming up huge in the absence of 2 enormous talents. It barely showed.

Do you feel Osgood as Fleury does right now?  

Interesting that this final is the first in recent memory to not feature a superstar goalie, although both have been outstanding in these playoffs. Osgood's ability to morph into Georges Vezina borders on weird. Fleury looks like he's caught the comet that rides him to stardom (please make love to your significant others here, because that last sentence was my literary equivalent to a smooth and silky Mariah Carey ballad). Expect both goalies to shine here, but expect lots of goals and a series that may look a tad, though not as wide open as the Caps-Pens epic.

And Finally, when all is said and done?

A really good team will have won the Stanley Cup, making hockey, this wonderful, magical game, the real winner (that's for people that want more sex, go ahead)

It's the Stanley Cup Finals Weekend Open Thread of Love

'Sup? OK, so the actual hockey analysis never happened yesterday. Our bad. All you need to know about the Finals is that Maggie the Monkey picked the Pens. Of course, Maggie has a solid 0-5 record in picking the Finals winner. That may be why this is the last year of Maggie. If you want an actual preview, Puck Daddy is a good place to start. He makes a compelling case for the Wings winning.

Fuck compelling cases. I hate the Wings. I hate the Pens too, but I may die of boredom if the Wings win again. The only real rooting interest I have here is seeing Marian Hossa get fucked. That would be fun. Other story lines to follow include the health of Datsyuk and Lidstrom, Osgood's goaltending, and an actual breathing, living Malkin this year. Oh, I guess Sid bears watching.

So sit back and enjoy the ridiculous NBC-mandated hockey schedule this weekend - Game 1 tonight at 8 PM, Game 2 tomorrow at TBD. I really haven't stopped laughing at that TBD thing for two days now. This league is pathetic. Of course, anything goes in TWOTOL - talk LeBron in Game 6, the French Open, sex, politics, whatever. We leave you with two videos. First is the last two ESPN hockey experts previewing the finals, and second is a video of two blondes kissing. For no reason whatsoever. Hey, it's the Finals.


Friday, May 29, 2009

Tits are in the clear

While we wait for the big Finals preview, here's a little tidbit for you. RDS is reporting that the Montreal cops have gone through all the phone conversations (BURN THE TAPES), and Big Tits, Little Tits, and The Hamr will not be charged with any criminal wrongdoing stemming from their association with "alleged" mobster and drug dealer Pasquale Mangiola. Whew, I guess.

The Tits brothers could not be reached for comment, as they were last seen getting out of a Bentley and going into a bar with a bevy of hot chicks.

The Morning Skate is psyched for the weekend for Friday, May 29th

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of suspicious packages in the Métro...
  • La Presse seems to think it has an exclusive when it says Gainey can't hire a coach or sign some of our FA's until the ownership situation is straightened out. Like that's news;
  • TSN has their off-season plan for the Habs all set out. Hint: it includes signing players. The full FA list is in there, and while we've all talked about it, actually seeing the list is pretty scary.
Hey, did you know the Finals start this weekend? No, we swear it's true. As a result, we are possibly suspending Sexy Friday so it can be replaced by actual hockey analysis. We've got rumours one of the HF's is working on a Finals preview. Hockey analysis??? We'll believe it when we see it.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

The Morning Skate is pretty annoyed with his boyhood idol for Thursday, May 28th

Allo allo! Well, the Conference Finals are over before they began. Yeesh. At least there was somewhat of an exciting ending, with the Wings winning in OT. But man, overall those Conference finals just killed the momentum of a great Playoffs. People were saying the NHL Playoffs were better than the NBA Playoffs. Not so much anymore. Anyway, we've got the Wings-Pens rematch the NHL must be happy with. For us, we're down with MYFO's LeNoceur. Not so much blech, though, but yawn.

Alright then, on to Mr. Lafleur. Lap dance to LG77 for throwing the tip our way that Guy is appealing his guilty verdict. We don't have that much of a problem with this. We are a lawyer after all, and that's the way it goes. But when it comes to dissing the captain, STFU Guy. "It's time he go play with his brother in Minnesota"??? Give us a break. We may have 29 in our moniker, but growing up it was all about Guy. The flowing blond hair streaking down the wing is burned in our memories. Now he's just pissing us off. As moeman said in the comments yesterday, he needs some class lessons from Béliveau on how to be a great ex-player.

A Video for Mom
Mom of TMS was pretty peeved at having missed our performance on CBC's Daybreak last week. So we tracked down the audio for her. It was pretty easy. Just find, download, unzip, and install a program to download CBC's 1999 Real Player technology file; find, download, unzip, and install an audio converter to make an mp3; realize Blogger doesn't like embedding audio, make a video with Windows Media Player; create a FHF YouTube account and channel; upload the vid, and embed. Good thing we still haven't got that life yet.

Our crappiest performance on Daybreak by far. We were given 20 minutes notice on a stupid topic we knew nothing about. And without the decent questioning of regular and soon to be departing host Mike Finnerty, we resorted to the ridiculous phrase "shall we say" at least three times, and the verbal tic "you know" at least three thousand. Enjoy.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

St. Patrick now clear to coach Nos Habitants

The face of our next coach

Lap dance to fezworth for pointing us to the fact that Patrick Roy has refused Colorado's coaching offer which he said a couple of days ago they never actually made. He says he wants to spend more time with his family and continue to coach the QMJHL Ramparts and enter the WBC as a middleweight under the name "Paddy the Kid."

Of course, we all know he's holding out for the big prize - telling the Habs to fuck off.

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, May 27th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning in OT...
Wings look to end the Conference finals tonight.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Really crappy beer makers seek full Habs ownership

Just too many fucking posts today.

So it looks like Habs minority owners Molson Coors want in on the hot Habs buying action. Geoffrey Molson sent out a press release today that says Molson Coors want to put in an offer.

You know, for a team that is still not officially for sale, the price keeps going up by 50 million every week.

Many lap dances to FHF legend moeman for mentioning this first

More rumours from the Motherland - Kovy offered a deal and the "C"?

Well, it's from Russia, so take it with a grain of salt. Russian reports have Bob offering Kovy a one year deal for "near 6-7.5 million", and he'll throw in the captaincy for good measure. Here's a translation of the Russian report. Who knows if it's accurate - it refers to Bob as "Bob Haine." Maybe FHF regular Sleza can help.

If it's true, I, uh, hmmm. I love Kovy and want him to stay, but for 6-7 mill? And I miss Saku already.

Lap dance to Mirtle at From the Rink for the story

Fedorov returning to the Motherland, leaving alleged ex-wives behind

Lap dance to Sean Leahy over at Puck Daddy for digging through the Russian news to find that Sergei Federov will sign a contract with Metallurg Magnitogorsk of the Kontinental Hockey League. Metallurg Magnitogorsk may be my favourite team name ever. Team logo - metal horns.

Federov leaves as the leading Russian scorer ever in the NHL. Pretty impressive for a guy who also won Selke trophies. But to me he'll always be the dude who banged and possibly married Anna Kournikova.

You really have to appreciate the irony of a guy who defected from Russia going back because he can make more money there now.