Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Habs aren't making the playoffs, fuck it let's get drunk!

Who's up for some serious hockey analysis? Well then go read Puck Daddy. Zing! No seriously, we've got a day off so let's take a serious look at some things and then we can all get on with our lives and enjoy ourselves. Preferably with alcohol and sexy spokesmodels. Seriously.

So actual hockey analyst James Mirtle has started his annual Playoff Push column, which outlines what teams need to do with the rest of the season to make the playoffs. It's based on the premise teams need 89 points to get in from the East. I think that's quite reasonable. So with his first column (which he updates daily), Mirtle calculates the Habs need to go 19-12-1 to make the playoffs. Who thinks that's possible? Seriously? You're either lying, delusional, or a regular HI/O commentor.

I have looked at the Habs remaining schedule and boldly predict the Habs will absolutely lose the following games:

At New Jersey
One game in Florida (no way we sweep two Florida series in one season)
At Boston
Home to the Pens
Home to the Caps
One of the Flyers home and home series
One game during the Olympic break (no way the Habs can go 3 weeks without losing)
2 of 3 in California
Home to the Lightning
Home to the Sens
At Buffalo
Home to the Devils
Home to the Sabres
Home to the Leafs to close the season to add insult to injury in another mess of a season

That's 14 (actual) losses. Guaranteed. I predicted it! And I write on a hockey blog, so I know what I'm talking about. For the math-challenged, 14 is two more than the 12 we can lose as per Mirtle's analysis.

Q.E.D.

Pass the vodka.

30 comments:

kevincrumbs said...

The sad thing is that they'll tease us and give us hope that they'll make the playoffs during the last week of the season.

vw: sharbo. Despite the crappy season, I still think JM is better than "Sharbo".

Habsfan10 said...

Somehow, this is Grabovski's fault.

GoldenGirl11 said...

This seems somewhat fitting

Anonymous said...

@HF10

That was superb.

*golf clap*

Anonymous said...

Right now, I don`t see any way this team will pull it together and make the playoffs.

Especially with the way the other middle-of-the-pack teams are playing. I mean, the fucking Islanders have won against Detroit, Buffalo and the Devils in the past week alone. They`re not a powerhouse but they at least show signs of life and don`t give up.

BTW, Darche was called up.

hfotwc said...

grim weather here on the west coast fits the mood towards our beloved hockey team. within our local habs fan club, we hear cheering; go nucks go.

L Dude said...

Darche eh? Wonder it that's because of Pouliot or the fact we haven't had a fucking first line winger. Oh well, a career AHLer ought to fix us up. Hope hanging out with this bunch of losers doesn't turn him into a Darchebag.

Boob Gainey said...

Mathieu Darche.

Holy Fuck.

I mean why not keep Chipchura if your next best option at forward is a career AHLer on the downward slope of his career?

Why not teach Youppi to shoot and skate?

Or Laraque?

Boob Gainey said...

We are the Leafs.

The only thing we have on them now is that our reminiscences are better than their reminiscences.

Even that isn't worth much - they get just as much pleasure out of recalling the golden era of Russ Courtnall as we do thinking about the Flower.

Anonymous said...

fuck you boob

kevincrumbs said...

@Boob: Another difference is that we have draft picks. However, they have cap room, so it balances it out, right?

moeman said...

@boob, we also have.

Also, Sykora put on waivers ...

Ben Dugas said...

I hate to be an optimist BUT...
1) Our games are spaced out so we should in theory be better rested than our opponents (on the ice and in the standings) from here on in just as most of our opponents have been better rested than us until a few weeks ago.
2) We may trade Halak or Price which would mean that (in the short term) our goaltending wouldn't be worse (they've been playing equally well) but our forwards would be better
3) Outside of Washington, Buffalo, Jersey and Pittsburgh no one's really a lock. It's not like were battling 4 teams that are clearly better than us or are locks for those spots.
4) For the first 30 games or so our team hadn't played together and we didn't have Markov. Now our guys are used to each other and we do have Markov. Therefore we should, in theory, be better for the last 30 games than we were for the first 30.

In conclusion, it seems likely that, in theory, we will make the playoffs.

Boob Gainey said...

@Anon - is that you eyebleaf?

@kevin - And truculence. Don't forget truculence.

Boob Gainey said...

@moeman

Oh my!

moeman said...

CHicken is apparently OK. There is hope ...

Qless said...

I personally would like to see them tank and get a decent pick. I am tired of these 7-to-10th place finishes... Even if we make the playoffs it's a quick out.

Of course we'd probably fuck-up our draft pick anyway. We all know the long list of fucked-up picks by heart.

moeman said...

Merci to HF29 & GG11 for brightening up the day.

Adam said...

I found a challenge for you guys.

http://www.downgoesbrown.com/2010/01/haiti-fundraiser-update-and-challenge.html

moeman said...

I hear they have a subway in Montreal. Lets do it kidz.

Topham said...

14 losses? In the state of Florida, they call that 14 points.

The only reason to despair would be if we actually miss the playoffs with this collection of dysfunctional Eastern teams...

offspace said...

the sky has fallen. fin.

HabsFan29 said...

@moe - my pants are off already. let's go!

HabsFan29 said...

btw i really like Ben's optimism. or his drugs. either way, i'm down with Ben

hfotwc said...

ahl all star, best national anthems ever...

habsss said...

"Habs aren't making the playoffs, fuck it let's get drunk!"

That's exactly what I said Sunday night!

boob gainey said...

I just had an epic realization.

I've seen the Habs win the Stanley Cup 6 times in my adolescent and adult life.

Even if I don't see them win another, that's probably good enough. The only people who've seen their team win more cups than me are older Habs fans. I can live with that.

Number31 said...

Drunk or not, just watch PK Subban. He'll cheer y'all up just by standing around.

kevincrumbs said...

@Boob: I have not witnessed a single Habs team getting to the fucking conference finals, never mind winning the fucking Cup. Seriously, I cemented my fandom during the 1994 season.

It's sad that I regard the halcyon days of this team as the 07/08 season where we finished first in the East and almost got dumped out by Timmy, Lu-chicken and all the other Boston fucktards.

Kmaxx said...

@boob - I've seen the sacred cup hoisted 7 times in my lifetime - ever since Dryden first appeared! I think about my lifelong friends who supported the Laffs or B's - sure they've had some wins over us from time to time but all they have will be a very vague rememberance (or none at all in the case of those sad, sad Laffs fans) of what it feels like to see your champions celebrating being the best of the best!

All that being said, a refresher wouldn't go amiss boys!