Friday, September 21, 2007

No Sex in the Champagne Room: The FHF Season Preview - Roman Hamrlik

FHF, in conjunction with Telefilm Canada and StripperCorp, is pleased to offer our Habs season preview with no cover charge. For FHF virgins, you may want to review our trademarked Stripperriffic Rating System before tipping the bouncer.

The tits – Last year, +22. Let's begin there. He's here to replace Sheldon Souray. He's even chosen Shelly's no.44 which is like having the new guy who's sleeping with your mom right after the divorce tell you to take the trash out in the morning whereas your dad, who's been on the bottle since your mom left him for this douchebag, would let you play violent Xbox games while you were eating your breakfast cereal. He's a very good D. He's not great (Phaneuf, Pronger, Niedermayer), and never will be, but he is very good. He's got offensive flair, he's solid on the back check, he hits hard, he shoots hard and he's 33, prime age for a blueliner. He never gives up because he's 2 Legit to Quit.

The cellulite – He was born in Gottwaldow, which means to masturbate in Czech (I Gottwaldov last night before going to bed). He's the beneficiary of the most lucrative contract ever afforded to a Montreal Canadien. Yowzer. That falls into the Say What? (in a Samuel L. Jackson voice) category in Montreal Canadiens history where you'll come across other notable factoids such as Andrei Kovalenko scoring the last goal at the Montreal Forum (I want to French kiss a bag of razor blades) and Sergei Berezin scoring the Habs' 10 000th goal at home. Also, he gaffes in his own end like any very good not truly great defenseman.

The armpit hair – He's banging your mom. He replaces flash on the blue line the likes of which this team has NEVER seen. Those Sheldon St-Laurent cannons were not traceable on the replay dammit! Shit, I'd even slow the replay down on the PVR and still wouldn't manage to see the puck! Hamrlik will not score 26 goals, he will not set an NHL record for most goals on the PP for a defenseman and he will not make love to the majority of the female contingency in Montreal on an off night at Globe.

In the VIP Room – He has played on so many bad teams over the course of his career that it's hard to assess if Hamr (after a few seasons he dropped the MC) was really overhyped in going no.1 overall in the 1992 draft. What would have become of him had he played on a contender right of the bat? I guess my answer to that is that a special player after a while makes a mediocre team a contender. While he improved significantly in the +/- department after having left them dark years in Tampa Bay behind he still never proved to be the no.1 defenseman that anchors your team, who you turn to for leadership and consistent play and who brings an organiztion over the top. Stop! Hamr time! However, he does bring versatility to the Habs blue line...and he won't stink up the Bell Centre with brain fartage Sheldon will always be prone to.

Chez Parée bound? - With the no.44 jersey on his back so that he can fool the girls in the booth who may not have heard that Shelly left town. But I suspect they will learn the Hamr Lik pretty soon.

8 lap dances (out of 10). – He should combine nicely with Markov on the power play. He 's got everything to be excellent but has played under the weight of having been drafted no.1 and has not lived up to expectations. Now he plays in the shadow cast by Souray's departure. This is Montreal, Expectationsville. Play, or be deported.

4 AM Smoked Meat Sandwich:

HF29 - Yes, but can he play effectively in a pair of parachute pants?

HF10 - He may not offer the same menace from the point on the powerplay as big Sheldon, but in a one-for-one trade, he may be better at everything else hockey related. He was a top four guy on a damn good defence in Calgary, and averages 35-40 points a year. Good enough for me.

Panger - While Hamrlik ostensibly was part of Calgary’s Big 4, he was in fact the whipping boy for most of the 05/06 season – although not quite as much last year. When Montreal signed him Flames GM Sutter basically said ‘you can have him at that price’. While the feeling is the Habs overpay him, MC Hamrlik seems to be a victim of going 1st overall, with all the ensuing pressure to be a Scott Niedermayer-like superstar, and a steady two way game just doesn’t cut it. Plus, he tutored Dion Phaneuf for his first couple of seasons to positive reviews (from Phaneuf at least), so if he does the same for, say, Ryan O’Byrne that would be another bonus. And something certainly I would not have wanted to see Souray do (“So when the guy dekes left, just lung at him and hope for the best.”)


Anonymous said...

Hope's on the horizon folks with a guy who is a D and who can actually play D.

HabsFan29 said...

that's all Habs fans seem to have these days - hope

Califhernia said...

I love the name. Like you have a Roman warrior on the blue line ready to wage war on anyone who comes through. Unless he's a total pussy.