Thursday, September 24, 2009

The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pur Laine Awesome Preview Part IV: Commies and Commie Sympathizers

Last year's 100th Anniversary celebration was a disaster for any number of reasons. What were they? The FHF has no idea and no time to figure it out. What we do have, however, is connections. Connections to hockey brilliance. Connections to a man who has his finger on the pulse of the team, the people, dare we say a nation. Connections to a man who gracefully agreed to help what he thinks are four young, PQ votin', French speakin', descended from the first guys off Champlain's boat bloggin' fools (shhh.) So we present an FHF exclusive: The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview!

Today, it's Part IV: Commies and Commie Sympathizers

Overview: The Commies are coming! No wait, they're here - and there are a fuckload of them, so let’s get right to why they suck compared to their (completely different) pinko, socialist Quebecois brethren:

Nom: Jaroslav Halak aka “Jaro” aka “our funniest bit”’

Lieu de naissance: somewhere behind the Iron Curtain

Strengths: Winning hockey games - when he gets the chance; lately spends most of time fashioning latest Canadiens baseball cap styles; ‘most interesting man in the world’ commercials are based on Jaro.

Weaknesses: small by NHL standards; doesn’t raise his hharm like dis for tha hhicing, confusing teammates; doesn’t spend enough time posting for FHF.

Should be traded for: Martin Brodeur (New Jersey Devils). If only there was unrestricted free agency in the NHL, Marty the Great would have signed with his hometown team for sure. Oh well, the Habs can still sign one of the many available pur laine goaltending alternatives, including: Eric Fichaud, Stephane Fiset, Vincent Riendeau, JC Bergeron, or the corpse of Andre Racicot - all of whom have proven to be more-than-capable backups in the rich goaltending history of God’s chosen team, the Montreal Canadiens. Manny Fernandez is available RIGHT FUCKING NOW, crisse.

Nom: Andrei Markov aka “Andrei Markov” aka “the only reason the Canadiens have a shot at the playoffs”

Lieu de naissance: The original “red” state.

Strengths: the Habs best player, last season's playoffs proved they can’t win without him; can remain stone silent despite constant interrogation by Montreal media thanks to KGB upbringing.

Weaknesses: Although he’s by far the Habs best player and only top 10-ten NHL player at his position on the Habs roster, he still must go. Can’t say exactly why - he just doesn’t have that je ne sait quoi : he’s no Guy Lapointe, Serge Savard, Butch Bouchard or Francois Bouillon. Plus, cheered for the Red Army during the New Year’s Eve game and during their invasion of Czechoslovakia.

Should be traded for: Stephane Robidas. Who cares if Comrade Andrei is likely to play in the Olympics for the Soviets? Robidas is a mortal lock for Team Quebec.

Nom: Jaroslav Spacek aka “Jaro 2.0” aka “Pigeon

Lieu de naissance: Some country that no longer exists.

Strengths: experienced, puck-moving defenceman with a booming shot; did not commit suicide while playing in Buffalo, so must like hockey a lot. Or doing nothing on a Saturday night.

Weaknesses: injury prone, sometimes lacks intensity; foolishly favours the political theory of John Locke to the obviously enlightened deism of Voltaire.

Should be traded for: Traded?!? Why the TABARNAK did they not sign the legendary Francois Beachemin (Toronto Maple Leafs) as a UFA instead of this ostie de piece of shit?

Nom: Roman Hamrlik aka "Hamr" aka “this and next season’s salary cap albatross”

Lieu de naissance: A separated state (hey wait...).

Strengths: strong all-around play; has the pulse of Montreal’s underground economy.

Weaknesses: Doesn't use his size as msuch as he could, may have lost a step at 35; cozying up to known Russian gangsters when there are plenty of French Hell’s Angels to choose from.

Should be traded for: Francois Boullion (Nashville Predators). Francis The Great outplayed Hamr in every way all year long – even while injured - only to be held back by his Quebecois-hating coach, who Gillooly’d his groin before the playoffs just to sabotage him. Only remained unsigned so long as other teams were fearful of signing him so as not to make the aforementioned Quebecois-hating coach look foolish - given his immense respect and popularity throughout the hockey world.

Nom: Yannick Weber aka “Swiss Mister 2.0” aka “the next young defencemen who the Habs give up on too quickly and then blossoms elsewhere”

Lieu de naissance: Commie-sympathizing Switzerland.

Strengths: high skill level, potential PP quarterback; speaks French.

Weaknesses: defensive play; speaks the wrong kind of freaky “Swiss” French.

Should be passed over for promotion in favour of: Mathieu Carle (Hamilton). Carle is the next superstar Quebecois defencemen - inheriting Patrice Brisebois’s title.

Nom: Tomas Plekanec aka “Turtleplek” aka “that Little Czech Girl”

Lieu de naissance: one of those former soviet satellite states.

Strengths: skating, two-way play; fashioning stylish CH turtlenecks, boosting sales
of Habs’ merchandise.

Weaknesses: smallish, streaky scorer, gets knocked off the puck; gives young female hockey players a bad name; admires Khrushchev over Charles de Gaulle.

Should be traded for: Marc Pouliot (Edmonton Oilers). Plekanec may never have scored fewer than 20 goals in a full NHL season, but Pouliot’s potential - as shown but his 8-goal breakout season last year - makes him a lock to be the next Mario Lemieux. Trade for him RIGHT FUCKING NOW, merde.

Nom: Andrei Kostitsyn aka “Big Tits” aka “future KHL star”

Lieu de naissance: Belarus? Belarussia? Fuck that: Soviet Union.

Strengths: possesses most pure talent on the team; best nickname ever.

Weaknesses: only motivated when he plays Alex the Great; has never read or seen Les Miserables.

Should be traded for: Pascal Dupuis (Pittsburgh Penguins). This future Hall of Famer’s resume now includes a Stanley Cup ring, which he virtually single-handedly won for the Penguins despite not scoring a single point in the post season - simply his presence was enough to propel his anglophone slacker teammates to victory.

Nom: Sergei Kostitsyn aka “Little Tits” aka “that little asshole” (opponents only)

Lieu de naissance: Born in the USSR. Barely.

Strengths: gritty, in your face player with surprising talent level and a Claude Lemieux-like upside; haunts Mikeal Grabovski’s dreams - recently replacing Gargamel:

Weaknesses: he’s NOT CLAUDE LEMIEUX, câlice; probably deserves his ever-increasing rep as cheap shot artist; questionable decisions when it comes to friends (chooses gangsters wisely, though).

Should be traded for: duh, Claude Lemieux (San Jose Sharks). Wait, what do you mean the Sharks cut him?!? Is Theo Fleury available? With a name like “Fleury” he’s got to speak French, right?

Nom: Mikeal Johansson aka “the new European guy they signed that no one has heard of”

Lieu de naissance: The land of blondes and suicides

Strengths: apparently a late-blooming mature, two-way player; assembling crappy modulate furniture.

Weaknesses: smallish, hasn’t proven anything in the NHL; believes that “Cirque de Soliel” is a rare astronomical occurrence which wreaks havoc with earth-bound satellites.

Should be passed over for promotion in favour of: Dany Masse. Clearly a mature European player originally drafted by a team with as poor a European draft record as the Detroit Red Wings is no match for a 50-goal scorer in the notoriously goal-starved “Q”.


HabsFan29 said...

can remain stone silent despite constant interrogation by Montreal media thanks to KGB upbringing

so that's what it is!

+1 ruble Panger

Habsfan10 said...

"assembling crappy modulate furniture" ... where the fuck was this guy three years ago when I almost got divorced over putting together that fucking bookshelf?!?!

lawyergirl77 said...

Gargamel and Pascal Dupuis references?

I'm still laughing...

L Dude said...

Boy, Gargamel's never looked pervier.

Pension Plan Puppets said...

Funny again but this part:

Should be traded for: Traded?!? Why the TABARNAK did they not sign the legendary Francois Beachemin (Toronto Maple Leafs) as a UFA instead of this ostie de piece of shit?

is something I've wondered about too! All of that money for UFAs and none for Beauchemin?

HabsFan4 said...

too many good lines to single out. Might as well copy and paste the whole thing.

I love you Panger.

moeman said...

As sweet as Kovy stick-handling and scoring some superb goals. Well done et merveilleux.

(Also, there is no way bertrand raymond could even contemplate, write or even read such bon mots.

HabsFan29 said...

A Breezer video tribute!

HabsFan29 said...

shortest video tribute ever

Anonymous said...

I'm wiping the tears away.

moeman said...

Best fans in hockey.

matt - ftc. said...

Weren't all of the players talking about starting out the game better??

HabsFan29 said...

OMG did Little Tits score? im busy watching Flashforward

matt - ftc said...

can someone tell me how plekanec manages to get kicked out of seemingly all of his faceoffs?

Moey said...

I think Sergei is afraid of Jacques Martin. That's a good thing.

matt - ftc said...

I gotta say boys, this Bertrand Raymond series is your best work yet...and yes, I have read the great Jaro bits.

lawyergirl77 said...

Martin must have told FlatChest that he was cutting off his stream of hookers and blow if e didn't start playing

Saggy isn't doing badly either.

Martin must have found padded bras for them.

(all joking aside - you can really tell that there is a system in place now and tat Martin is no longer playing with a split squad)

god Thomas is a lucky bastard.
Fuck I hate the Broons.

GoldenGirl11 said...

Quick! What did they say about Sanford??? Was it good? Was it kinda good? Oy.

That word verification game you all play. Would Sheti be an appropriate one now? As in Sheti can't believe he's down and the season hasn't even started! Fuck preseason.

Number31 said...

Stewart smearing his blood all over Gui Lefebvre's jersey was sick. Lefebvre's face while in the box was priceless.

So like Cammy trips over Curry and gets 2, but a Bruin can ram Jaro's head with no intention of stopping and it's all cool eh? Couldn't even get to the guy to punch him for it. Bears are under protection apparently.

Anyway, team played good tonight. Rhino should have been a star. RDS is in love with Bergeron too much to give anyone else credit though. I guess Bertrand has something to do with that.