Wednesday, September 30, 2009

The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview, Part 7: Glorious Leader Georges Laraque

Hockey is but the first step on the journey to greatness.

- Aristotle

Overview: Georges Laraque went to Collège Jean-de-Brébeuf. So did I. At the time, he was an offensive powerhouse. He had mad hockey skills and he went to an elite French school. So naturally only great things awaited. I am fortunate to have seen genius as it was happening.

We all knew then that he was blazing a unique trail that would eventually lead him to 2 prized destinations.

1. Offensive superstar in the NHL

2. Prime Minister of an independent and sovereign Quebec

As a teenager, Georges was hard at work engulfing the knowledge impressed on him by a superior Québécois elite schooling system that was paved by the Jesuits, all the while learning from the greatest hockey teachers the province had to offer. The Brébeuf gymnasium walls and its adjacent arena are covered with evidence of glory from years past.

Brébeuf, the womb of Quebec’s greatest human beings crafted the glorious leader that Georges would become in so many facets of society.

As a student, his assiduous studying methods made him a star pupil, achieving great fame and receiving much envied adulation in the academic ranks in chemistry, biology, home economics, mathematics and History.

His talent spilled over to other areas that saw young Georges take decisive steps on a fateful march. He took on Lacrosse and field hockey and received immediate fame.

As the dutiful son that he is, Georges won many trophies and followed in his father's footsteps, Papa Laraque, seen below, also a brilliant field hockey player in his day.

He captained Brébeuf’s broom ball team, 2 days after having touched a broom for the very first time.

Legend has a young Georges insisting on sweeping every floor in the house before vacuuming for better hygienic efficiency, the noble efforts stunted by a foreseeing mother who is said to have responded: "No, my son, these hands will not broom, they will not sweep. They will score goals, and lift Cups and bang size 16 shoes on United Nations General Assembly podiums".

Georges then went on to become to become a world class chess player beating Gary Kasparov and Deep Blue in the first ever World Champioship Chess Threesome. He was the best chess master Brébeuf has ever crafted. He found Bobby Fisher hiding out in a basement in Lithuania.

Georges didn't stop there. He soon won many prizes as a champion polo player.

After his horse Roxette was felled by an errant mallet in the quarter finals of the World Polo Championship, he lobbied the Federation of International Polo for better treatment of horses, and a crackdown on clutching and grabbing horse balls. It was this awakening and sensitivity to the plight of everything animal that led Georges to adopt a strictly vegan lifestyle.

His time in Edmonton and Phoenix as an instrumental cog on wonderfully talented teams has been well documented. No need to elaborate further.

Today he skates for the blessed Montreal Canadiens, where his genius is overlooked, toiling on the fourth line when he should be playing at least 24 minutes a game on the first, where he should be skating every second of every power play, and playing goal when Carey Price is tired and ragged.

The team could have let Georges' genius run wild. Let the painter paint with the mad strokes of an embattled artist. But no, they fail to recognize the cut-his-ear-off talent that pours out of Georges' mind.

Hockey? An afterthought in the grander scheme of Georges’ life. Change, meaningful contribution to society, that’s what this strong mind was put on this earth for. Georges can fix the ozone layer with his thoughts. He can pour billions into the coffers of our treasury with the proceeds from EA Hockey NHL 11 on which his gorgeous face will surely be destined to appear.

Georges will lead Quebec to its rightful place amongst nations, an independent and sovereign Quebec, free to choose for the good of its citizens. He will call the referendum that will free us from our colonial shackles and, should we lose the next time around, he will address the crowd with teary eyes:

“Si je vous ai bien compris, vous êtes en train de me dire, à la prochaine fois. Mais il n’y aura pas de prochaine fois parce que je vais vous casser la gueule. Vous comprenez? Tous ceux qui avez voté NON, je vais vous casser la gueule. To be sure you understand you anglo crackers, I’m going to beat your asses until you get me this country on a platter – so tomorrow we go back to the poles and you better vote right if you know what’s good for you. God Bless Quebec, Vive le Québec libre, Vive Nacho Libre. ”

Pure Laine Glorious Leader: Georges Laraque

Nom: Georges Laraque

Lieu de naissance: Montréal, Québec – Chez Nous

Strengths: First Prime Minister of a sovereign Quebec. Minister of Pain on the Montreal Canadiens. The softest hands in the NHL. Equally soft kisses. Skates like a floating antelope. Can knock you down with his eyelash. Showed what his true contribution to the team can be during the 2009 playoffs against Boston when he was promoted to the first line – memorizing every advertisement in both rinks after having spent the entire series with the puck on the boards.

Weaknesses: Too gentlemanly to be a pugilist, which of course emphasizes his more natural but misunderstood abilities as a perennial Lady Byng winning offensive mammoth. Only scored 94% in Latin in Sec IV, well below his average of 104%. Appears injured most of the time, yet this is silent protest coming from a classy player who refuses to play the role of a thug when he truly belongs on the power play and in the Hockey Hall of Fame.

Should be traded for: An answer to that question will be met with a mandatory 2-week all-inclusive getaway in Winnipeg, Manitoba.

The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview - END SCENE.


GoldenGirl11 said...

Skates like a floating antelope

I am speechless. And exhausted from laughing. Way. To. Go.

Jaybird said...

Absolutely amazing! Glad to be back here now that its gametime. Fantasy draft starts in two hours and just pumped for season.

As for Kostitsyn this is was I just posted on TSN's have your say for dummies.

Perezhogin, Valentenko, Emelin, Grabovski and Kostitsyn. All players we have lost for these diva reasons. All Russian or Belarussian. What happened to working your ass off in the AHL for two years and earning your spot. Go directly to "request trade" mode. You see why Montreal has been drafting character players with good heads on their shoulders for 2-3 years now.

Drafting we should go straight Canadian with the odd American, Swede and Markov lol

gillis said...

How come you put a pic of field hockey? Im guessing you meant to put a pic of lacrosse. Which leads me to informing you that the great John abbott College lacrosse team (which i am on), whooped brebeuf colleges butt in lacrosse last weekend. Take that Georges.

HabsFan4 said...

nice catch gillis.

gillis said...

Wait, am i dumb? Did it always say field hockey?

GoldenGirl11 said...

How lawyerish of you (smirks and smugly takes his seat)

Shutdown said...

Gionta, Gill, Markov.

Meet your ass-caps.

Noda said...

i love you guys!

Moey said...


I choked on my glass of wine on that one. I got a visual of an antelope floating with Laraque's face. Too funny.

Anonymous said...

wasnt that funny

GoldenGirl11 said...

Mmmmmmm, wine.....

Anonymous said...

less than 1 day people!!!!!

J.T. said...

@GG 11: Ah, the lovely, lovely wine!

@4: Brilliance, my friend. I laughed out loud twice. The aforementioned antelope comment did it, as did "his horse, Roxette."

GoldenGirl11 said...

only thing better will be wine and hockey tomorrow... Make that wine and hockey and sleeping 3 year old.

cottoneye said...

Beautiful finish.

''The softest hands in the NHL. Equally soft kisses. Skates like a floating antelope. Can knock you down with his eyelash. ''

There hasn't been a more apt description of Georges written ever. Well done!

0 days 22 hrs 9 mins 21 secs until puck drops!!!! 0 days!!11!!

William J said...

Got RDS added to my Vancouver Shaw cable package and I'm all ready to go! The only shittiness is that the game starts at 4PM local time and I have a 40 minute commute starting at about 5. I'm gonna need to pull a serious Keanu and duck out of the office while nobody's looking.
I'm excited for this season. I'm excited for the swearing and pure hatred of every member of this team on at least one occasion, except for Markov, Lapierre, Gorges, and possibly Halak (if he remembers to blog once in a while). I'm excited for the depravity, the skullfucking, and the hangovers. I'm excited for the rain, the powerplays and the autistic kids. I'm excited for the sandwiches, the Soviets, and the Olympics. No, wait, I'm not excited about the Olympics at all. Fuck, that's gonna suck.

William J said...

Since when do they have phonetic breakdowns of certain NHL players' names on their profiles (see the Habs' official site under Pleks or Hamr)? Why do they have phonetic helpers for only SOME players? You know, if the NHL wants to expand into the USA, they're gonna have to help out with the pronunciation of La-TON-Dur-Ess.

Bunch of Racists.

Scott in Montreal said...

well that was sublime. truly. i was actually spontaneously clapping at the part about BGL memorizing the ads. bravo.

moeman said...