Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview, Part 1776: American Pig-Dogs

Last year's 100th Anniversary celebration was a disaster for any number of reasons. What were they? The FHF has no idea and no time to figure it out. What we do have, however, is connections. Connections to hockey brilliance. Connections to a man who has his finger on the pulse of the team, the people, dare we say a nation. Connections to a man who gracefully agreed to help what he thinks are four young, PQ votin', French speakin', descended from the first guys off Champlain's boat bloggin' fools (shhh.) So we present an FHF exclusive: The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview!

Today, it's Part 1776: American Pig-Dogs

C'est un joke, 'stie? Americans play hockey? Non non, that can't be right. Football, maybe (though Laval is the best football team ever), and some basketball I guess. But hockey? Bad enough that the Rest of Canada is trying to steal Quebec's National sport, now Americans are playing it? All Americans are pig-dogs. Except that Rush Limbaugh, he tells it like it is. Here are your 2009-2010 Montréal Canadien Pig-Dogs:

Nom: Paul Mara

Lieu de naissance: The swamps of Ridgewood, New Jersey. Bada-bing.

Strengths: Is well-connected. He's a team player, if you know what I mean. Lumberjack skills are valuable with wood in his hands.

Weaknesses: May not have health care.

Should be traded for: Maurice "Mom" Boucher. A much better choice for a tough motherfucker kicking ass and taking names of opponents standing in the crease of our pathetic non-François Allaire-trained goaltenders.

Nom: Hal Gill

Lieu de naissance: Concord, Masshole.

Strengths: Has access to massive quantities of high-quality American Human Growth Hormone.

Weaknesses: Slow, slower, and slowest. Like an anglo journalist realizing how unfairly he's treating Patrice Brisebois.

Should be traded for: The Big O tower. Roughly the same size and speed, but the tower was designed by un français, built by Québecois, and commissioned by corrupt Montrealers. Talk about pure laine!

Nom: Max Pacioretty

Lieu de naissance: New Canaan, Connecticut, the city with the highest average family income in the U.S. Rich asshole.

Strengths: Wears number 67, thus taunting maudits anglais Toronto bastards every time he steps on the ice.

Weaknesses: Is not the clearly superior other Hab named Max, Captain Lapierre. And Pacioretty sounds ethnic. I thought we covered this Monday.

Should be traded for: Maxime Talbot. Now there's a Max we can rally around.

Demain: 4e partie - Commies and Commie Sympathizers. The early PQ were practically communists, so maybe Bertrand will go easy. Doubtful.


HFF33 aka Panger said...

Love the two pigs in the bottom right. And the dog.

@29: does anyone use wood sticks anymore?

Anonymous said...

I'll post a fuckin coment alright you fuckers. Asses.Tits. MUFF. That's waht We want or it's of with yer pants boys. An down on the gound.

I ain't fooling.


HF29 aka HH29 said...

Fucking JHK in da house again!

@Panger - "Lumberjack skills with graphite composite in his hands" didn't have the same ring to it

Brian Mulroney said...

"The early PQ were practically communists"

Practically? I'm the only politician to ever come out of that province that wasn't a pinko.

Boob Gainey said...

If we're talking about deluded bigots, we can't forget Michel Blanchard.

He's at it again today. Desharnais was sent down to Hamilton because he's French don't you know.

Anonymous said...

Who the fuck is Moeman? I like this shit. His last comment:

"As N31 mentioned last night, maguire knows which side of his bald head is buttered by burke.

James Duthie is the fly in true and knowledgeable fan's chardonnay when he says "is the heralded Big 4 leaf D overhyped".

bertrand raymond has uglier (and orangier) hair than Donald Trump. Also, who knew that a Nordiques steamrollering of a Habs jersey cartoon won the Habs the Cup in 1993. Fucktard."

Butter on heads. Like it. Tasty. Remove the emotion and add CUNT FUCK CLIT randomly and you're there. Good post Moeman.

And: Don't drink Chardofagginay, drink Pinot Gris white. It's less homosexual buy a condo in Frisco fix it up together break up later.


GoldenGirl11 said...

Oy vay. Come to Cote St Luc when you're in town. I'll wash your mouth out and have you walking straight in no time.

Ian Vitro said...

Guys, this shit is awesome.

Can we trade both Paul Mara and BGL for Maurice Boucher? I feel like he'd get the job done...

Chester said...

I though after the first installation you just got lucky, but I don't think Her Majesty Louise Beaudoin could have done it better. You are quite creative ... you should be writing elementary school text books for the quebec govenment... you know .. to start the kids off right ....

GoldenGirl11 said...

I don't think Her Majesty Louise Beaudoin could have done it better

I told you guys we shoulda gone with a stripping Louise Beaudoin in the header! Woulda pulled it all together.

That's Her Majesty The Grinch, to you.

Chester said...

I keep a copy of the Aislin cartoon with Wheezy in her leather, I feel it goes a long way to define the Pure Furs.

moeman said...

Big Pinot Grigio fan and some Chards can be quite buttery. Also, I mentioned the fly-in-Chard as an hommage to Alanis' ironic irony with irony (she being an Ottawa gal like Duthie).

moeman said...

What is it with these media fucktards calling the K Bros. André and Serge? They don't call Cammi, Michel. Bunch of pretentious asswipes.

Also, I think I may have come up with a perfect nickname for La Presse's réjean tremblay. His new p'tit nom is boîte-à-mal (for those of you that know your FLQ/October Crisis it's like sayin' he da bomb).

Unknown said...

Is it me, or was this riff much funnier on Monday?

HFF33 aka Panger said...

@Micheal: you think you're bored now, wait for my post tomorrow. Bring your pillow.

Or fuck off. Whatever.

Anonymous said...

so, what if that Nazi Harel wins?

HF29 aka HH29 said...

@anonymous - I am seriously rooting for a meteor in this election

Anonymous said...

Tremblay is bad but how could our great city possibly be dumb enough to vote for fucking Harel? It seriously breaks my heart.

moeman said...

Please Montrealers, do not elect a PQer like Harel to run down one of the world's best, sexiest, tastiest and enjoyable cities.

On day 1 she will;

1. Fire Bob Gainey.

2. Implement a 25% Centennial Habs tax to pay for a new Nordiques arena.

3. Appoint réjean 'boîte-à-mal' tremblay as Sport AND Culture Minister.

4. Remove the rouge from the BBR.

5. Force Molson to sell bilingual beer.

6. Force Montreal danseuses to speak only in FrenCH (OK its sexier but all those American cops at their next annual convention won't be happy (true story, happened at Wanda's, upper stage)).

7. Tax Habs English player's salaries until they (La) Reform(e).

8. Bell Centre usher/usherettes wearing une ceinture flêchée.

9. Paul Piché singing the 'NATIONALE' anthem.

10. Shut down the Four Habs Fans Blog or worse replace it with a redirect to CKAC.

Senators Lost Cojones said...

May I just add that this series may well rival Jaro's emergence as interweb superstar in pure win content? Fucking. Awesome. Well, except for the legal fees...they're going to suck. But still. WOO! PANTS!!

Oh, hey Jeff...

WV: aftbleu I can't make this shit up.

mr. gillis said...

hey moeman, how bout a song? Im feelin a little depressed and i think its because i have heard one of your masterpieces since last season.

moeman said...

Gillis, I am working on a few diddies (in betwixt Pinot Grigios). Might have one penned and copywritten by Friday. I'm saving my best (newest) for October 1st, Dou$harek Day.

... and I recall posting at least one iParody relatively recently (just, 4, U);

Give me a Tit, give me a second Tit
I want to find out what the fuck they missed
Don't leave Carey alone, don't leave Carey alone
Don't leave him alone at a camp like this

Posters in blue, with white and rouge
A snapshot of a Four Habs Fan blog-ezine
Cammi's all the rage, Gomez'll turn back the page
And Gionta is short and speedy just like me
Here in...

Habsland oh oh oh
Habsland oh oh oh
Habsland oh oh oh
Habsland now

Laracque's up then down, Laracque's up then down
His off-ice poison always brings me way down
I need a danse-à-dix, a lot of danse-à-dix
I need my dix fix for full effect
Here in...


All the kids are walking out on their heroes now
What the kids are talking about means zero now
You've gotta give us a Cup, give us a Cup
Give us a Cup in Habsland now
Am I in dreamland now? No, in I'm in Habsland now!
Fuck. Right fucking now!

We're all the same, we're on one team
Our Habs makes us want to scream
Just drop the puck, just drop the puck
Cuz everyday until then its what the fuck
Here in...

moeman said...

Also, yes I did consider nicknaming tremlbay 'Uncle Ralph on the big white telephone' but it doesn't translate well.

moeman said...

Off topic;

FWIW, I listen to Pat Burns on the AM iPhone radio. He is probably one of the most honest and informed hockey people around. He shames the supposed real media.

Good luck Pat.

cottoneye said...

Will there be a final partie about the god-likeness and total awesomeness of our 3 joueurs pures laines? I would love to hear Bertrand's objective thoughts on that.

moeman said...


Olivier said...

So, Moeman, I take it you'll vote for Bergeron?