The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview, Part 1776: American Pig-Dogs

Last year's 100th Anniversary celebration was a disaster for any number of reasons. What were they? The FHF has no idea and no time to figure it out. What we do have, however, is connections. Connections to hockey brilliance. Connections to a man who has his finger on the pulse of the team, the people, dare we say a nation. Connections to a man who gracefully agreed to help what he thinks are four young, PQ votin', French speakin', descended from the first guys off Champlain's boat bloggin' fools (shhh.) So we present an FHF exclusive: The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview!

Today, it's Part 1776: American Pig-Dogs

Overview
C'est un joke, 'stie? Americans play hockey? Non non, that can't be right. Football, maybe (though Laval is the best football team ever), and some basketball I guess. But hockey? Bad enough that the Rest of Canada is trying to steal Quebec's National sport, now Americans are playing it? All Americans are pig-dogs. Except that Rush Limbaugh, he tells it like it is. Here are your 2009-2010 Montréal Canadien Pig-Dogs:

Nom: Paul Mara

Lieu de naissance: The swamps of Ridgewood, New Jersey. Bada-bing.

Strengths: Is well-connected. He's a team player, if you know what I mean. Lumberjack skills are valuable with wood in his hands.

Weaknesses: May not have health care.

Should be traded for: Maurice "Mom" Boucher. A much better choice for a tough motherfucker kicking ass and taking names of opponents standing in the crease of our pathetic non-François Allaire-trained goaltenders.

Nom: Hal Gill

Lieu de naissance: Concord, Masshole.

Strengths: Has access to massive quantities of high-quality American Human Growth Hormone.

Weaknesses: Slow, slower, and slowest. Like an anglo journalist realizing how unfairly he's treating Patrice Brisebois.

Should be traded for: The Big O tower. Roughly the same size and speed, but the tower was designed by un français, built by Québecois, and commissioned by corrupt Montrealers. Talk about pure laine!

Nom: Max Pacioretty

Lieu de naissance: New Canaan, Connecticut, the city with the highest average family income in the U.S. Rich asshole.

Strengths: Wears number 67, thus taunting maudits anglais Toronto bastards every time he steps on the ice.

Weaknesses: Is not the clearly superior other Hab named Max, Captain Lapierre. And Pacioretty sounds ethnic. I thought we covered this Monday.

Should be traded for: Maxime Talbot. Now there's a Max we can rally around.

Demain: 4e partie - Commies and Commie Sympathizers. The early PQ were practically communists, so maybe Bertrand will go easy. Doubtful.