Monday, September 28, 2009

The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pur Laine Awesome Preview, Part 5: Pur Laine Glorious Leader Maxim Lapierre

Last year's 100th Anniversary celebration was a disaster for any number of reasons. What were they? The FHF has no idea and no time to figure it out. What we do have, however, is connections. Connections to hockey brilliance. Connections to a man who has his finger on the pulse of the team, the people, dare we say a nation. Connections to a man who gracefully agreed to help what he thinks are four young, PQ votin', French speakin', descended from the first guys off Champlain's boat bloggin' fools (shhh.) So we present an FHF exclusive: The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview!Today, it's Part 5: Pure Laine Glorious Leader Maxim Lapierre

Overview: According to reports from reliable Pure Laine sources, last year's edition of Les Canadiens was a dressing room of cliques, a team imploding from the inside due to rudderless, grim, unworthy leadership cabal that compounded all the team's problems with it's stoic and pig-headed refusal to embrace the language of the dressing room and the people. Among the only bright spots was the fiery emergence of a true, Pure Laine heir to the role made famous by Bouchard, Rocket, Beliveau, Pocket Rocket, Cournoyer, Savard, Turgeon, et Damphousse: Maxim Lapierre, the true Captain of Les Canadiens.

Pure Laine Glorious Leader: Maxim Lapierre

Nom: Maxim Lapierre

Lieu de naissance: Saint-Leonard, Quebec

Strengths: Forged in the fires of Saint-Leonard, educated in the proving grounds of Cap-de-la-Madeleine and the Montreal Rocket, Lapierre is a Pure Laine warrior from the brave East-End of Montreal. A natural leader of men who inspires all Quebecois in their chosen walk of life, he is the divinely-chosen successor to great Canadiens captains past, a Tricolour Sun King destined to lead the Canadiens back to their rightful place as hockey's premier franchise. A life-long fan of Les Habitants, he reads The Hockey Sweater each night before bed and truly gets what it means to be a member of the team. He is a good Francophone and prays to Dieu, Mary Reine du Monde and Aurel Joliat for strength in battle against nefarious Maudits Anglais and their sympathizers. Although he is continually misused in a defensive role in favour of inferior, heartless Maudit Anglais and Communists, he has a goal-scorers touch and excellent vision like all Pure Laine players. He has good size, a willingness to battle in traffic and has a budding rivalry with overrated Maudit Anglais NHL poster boy Sidney Crosby, who had to improve his mediocre skills by playing in the world's most difficult hockey league the QMJHL, but was never good enough to best Lapierre. He is so talented, it appears an entire magazine is devoted to the betterment of men through the teachings of Maxim, with instructions in recreating the awesomeness of Maxim Lapierre in grooming, attire, and dating sexy women.

Weaknesses: Sadly, there is only one Maxim Lapierre, and until the Canadiens realize this, he will be forced to lead and cover for the mistakes of a number of weaker, less-skilled, heartless Maudits Anglais and Ethnic players who could never match his desire, strength, ability to inspire and world-class talent. His faceoffs also need some work.

Tommorrow, Part 6: Pure Laine Superstar Guillaume Latendresse

16 comments:

HabsFan29 said...

several office mates just turned around to look at me after i couldn't hold the laughter in any longer

/ starts the slow golf clap

Hadulf said...

This shit is gold. Are you guys sending these links to Bertrand Raymond? You should...

Anonymous said...

Bertrand won't sue you guys for this post. He approves and is stitching the C on his Lapierre sweater as we speak.

moeman said...

raymond bertrand continues to be a classless jerk. In his most recent Fait-Le-Ménage-à-Bert he lauds Breezer but purposefully fails to mention Bob Gainey calling out the fucktards that booed Patrice. raymond can find the time to rip Bob as 'sans classe' for not offering Québec-born players a contract (note I did not say Québecois) but finds little time or classy effort to suggest Gainey made Breezer's return to the CH a saner one, for all, including bertrand. Quel cul ce raymond raymond (pretty sure this isn't libellous).

moeman said...

Thursday, October 1st line-up vs. the hated leaf?

"Max Pacioretty compléterait le premier trio en compagnie de Scott Gomez et de Brian Gionta en vue du match de jeudi contre les Maple Leafs.

Quant à Mike Cammalleri, il serait jumelé à Tomas Plekanec et à Andrei Kostitsyn.

Maxim Lapierre retrouverait son ami Guillaume Latendresse sur le troisième trio qui serait complété par Matt D'Agostini.

Finalement, Georges Laraque, Glen Metropolit et Travis Moen composeraient une unité qui risque de voir passablement d'action contre les Maple Leafs.

La première unité spéciale des supériorités numériques serait Cammalleri-Gomez-Gionta soutenue par Andrei Markov et Jaroslav Spacek, alors que la deuxième serait composée de Kostitsyn-Plekanec-D'Agostini et de Paul Mara et Roman Hamrlik."


If so, moeman likey and I hope Moen makes an immediate name for himself and hits Dou$harek, hard and often and then harder still, then some more and then take the cleanest, hardest check and flip the blue&white's Dou$harek #8 to look like an infinity symbol.

~ ~ ~

Our initial PP line-up could be a thing of beauty.

moeman said...

Way off topic but(t) ...

Amazing, Grace.

moeman said...

Wondering why BGL has a sore back?

Boob Gainey said...

Pacioretty on the first line? What the fuck?

And poor Camma is going to wish he'd signed with some other team after playing with Pleks and AK46 for a few games.

moeman said...

Interesting points Boob but methinks Coach Martin has to spread around the new-signed wealth on the top 2 lines and Cammi seems to be an understanding sort. Time will tell. Go Habs Go!

moeman said...

Réseau Des Séparatistes whines that Gui! is sad to not be a top 6, top 2 line forward. SK74 played better than you Gui! Ferme ta maudite gueule et joue, estie de calisse the tabernacque de Saint Psy-CroCHe.

Number31 said...

Gui's lucky he's got the waivers on his side. Otherwise he'd be on the bus with Sergei. Now all he needs to do is hit anything that moves and park his arse in front of the net, else we trade him for Dustin Byfuglien.

Boob Gainey said...

Shit.

We're not very good are we?

Number31 said...

It's ok the spread the wealth. But when the going gets tough, Martin can pull the End This Now card and cobble Gionta-Gomez-Cammy together. That 3rd period is there for a reason!

If not, Lapierre usually pots a goal, or tries to, in true glorious leader fashion.

Gino Tomac said...

So the Oilers put Schremp on waivers.
And Schremp and Kostitsyn were the league leaders in the OHL on the London knights playing on the same line.

I doubt they'll become Lemieux and Jagr together but maybe Schremp just needs a new team and Kostitsyn just needs someone to talk to that's not his hand held mirror while he's in Hamilton, and maybe, just maybe, these two former "future stars" can make a little "present day" magic together on the Bulldogs and perhaps earn a fucking "real" spot with the "big" boys in Montreal.

Or maybe they both just suck.

Gino Tomac said...

Oh, forgot to mention....
Great post boys. I can't fucking wait until 110% Guillaume Latendresse.

Also, for inspiration, Quebec changes the speed limit to 84KM/H and De Maisoneuve becomes De Latendresse if he ever scores 30 goals.

Sorry for the spelling errors. I've been living in NYC for 15 years, you tend to forget your franglais more and more each day.

BTW my WV is belesess, as in if our 1st line center was named Belesess, they'd rename De Latendreses street to De Belesess if he managed to score a hat trick.

Number31 said...

Schremp is an Islander now!