The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview, Part 1: Money and the Ethnics

Last year's 100th Anniversary celebration was a disaster for any number of reasons. What were they? The FHF has no idea and no time to figure it out. What we do have, however, is connections. Connections to hockey brilliance. Connections to a man who has his finger on the pulse of the team, the people, dare we say a nation. Connections to a man who gracefully agreed to help what he thinks are four young, PQ votin', French speakin', descended from the first guys off Champlain's boat bloggin' fools (shhh.) So we present an FHF exclusive: The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pur Laine Awesome Preview!

Today, it's Part 1: Money and the Ethnics

Overview: Last year was an abomination, and it's no secret why. The Montreal Canadiens, the team of Francophone legends like Richard, Beliveau, Cournoyer, Lafleur, Roy, et Brisbois lost their way. Lead by a man who insulted the very essence of all real Quebecois with his utter refusal to learn and speak the language of the people, a lost decade has seen Les Glorieux stray from their raison d'etre, ceasing to be the embodiment of Francophone pride to become just another equipe. Frankly, they might as well be les fucking Montreal Maroons at this point, maudit Anglais. The question is, has Bob Gainey repaired la Sainte Flanelle? If not, the blame will clearly lie at the feet of the Money and the Ethnics, Scott Gomez, Brian Gionta, and Mike Cammalleri.

The Money and the Ethnics:

Nom: Scott Gomez

Lieu de naissance: Anchorage, Alaska

Strengths: Gomez is a shifty attacker with excellent vision and passing. Very good speed. Well-liked by team mates and a natural leader.

Weaknesses: Gomez does not speak French. Gomez doesn't understand the culture of the Montreal Canadiens, the unique history of the French people, the importance of language and the overwhelming awesomeness of pur laine Quebec. Gomez also makes too much money, which has forced les Canadiens to release Quebecois warriors of better talent like Mathieu Dandenault and Steve Begin. He can also be muscled off the puck in offensive zone, and his faceoffs need work.

Should be traded for: A brave, pur laine French Canadian leader like Daniel Briere.

Nom: Brian Gionta

Lieu de naissance: Rochester, New York

Strengths: Gionta is a speedy and feisty winger who plays much bigger than his size. His energy and attitude are valuable commodities in any dressing room. He has a nose for the net and scores big goals.

Weaknesses: Gionta attended Boston College, not a school like Universite de Laval or Universite de Montreal where he would be properly educated in the history of this great nation. His French is non-existent and constitutes a slap in the face to all Quebecois. He is an unfit representative of our national team Les Canadiens, and will never understand the unique place les Glorieux holds in each pur laine heart. Like other Ethnics with money, Gionta has forced more worthy, more deserving players such as Francois Bouillon out of their rightful places in the Tricolour. His size is also an issue, and it's possible he may never return to his 48 goal season of 2005.

Should be traded for: A dimunitive pur laine superstar, Martin St. Louis.

Nom: Mike Cammalleri

Lieu de naissance: Richmond Hill, Ontario

Strengths: A talented goal scorer and power-play specialist, Cammalleri can play center and left wing. A very intelligent player, he has an appreciation of the Canadiens history and the passion of the fanbase and has expressed his delight at pulling on the sweater.

Weaknesses: As much as Cammalleri says he knows the history of the franchise and respects the institution, as an Anglophone he will never, ever feel the pur laine love for les Canadiens that members of the Quebecois nation will. As such, he is an inferior choice to real Canadiens like Vincent Lecavalier or Briere, who would do anything for the chance to wear le Bleu, Blanc et Rouge. Cammalleri is not a native Francophone, and as such will never be a suitable leader for this great franchise. His salary is outrageous, especially since pur laine talent such as Pierre Dagenais and Alexandre Daigle have been blackballed in favour of this untalented Jewish Italian. Can be inconsistent, and doubts exist as to whether he can keep up his production without Jarome Iginla's help.

Should be traded for: A pur laine scoring star who would bring real honour to the jersey, Mike Ribeiro.

Tomorrow, Part 2: Maudits Anglais