Monday, September 21, 2009

The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pure Laine Awesome Preview, Part 1: Money and the Ethnics

Last year's 100th Anniversary celebration was a disaster for any number of reasons. What were they? The FHF has no idea and no time to figure it out. What we do have, however, is connections. Connections to hockey brilliance. Connections to a man who has his finger on the pulse of the team, the people, dare we say a nation. Connections to a man who gracefully agreed to help what he thinks are four young, PQ votin', French speakin', descended from the first guys off Champlain's boat bloggin' fools (shhh.) So we present an FHF exclusive: The Bertrand Raymond 110% Pur Laine Awesome Preview!

Today, it's Part 1: Money and the Ethnics

Overview: Last year was an abomination, and it's no secret why. The Montreal Canadiens, the team of Francophone legends like Richard, Beliveau, Cournoyer, Lafleur, Roy, et Brisbois lost their way. Lead by a man who insulted the very essence of all real Quebecois with his utter refusal to learn and speak the language of the people, a lost decade has seen Les Glorieux stray from their raison d'etre, ceasing to be the embodiment of Francophone pride to become just another equipe. Frankly, they might as well be les fucking Montreal Maroons at this point, maudit Anglais. The question is, has Bob Gainey repaired la Sainte Flanelle? If not, the blame will clearly lie at the feet of the Money and the Ethnics, Scott Gomez, Brian Gionta, and Mike Cammalleri.

The Money and the Ethnics:

Nom: Scott Gomez

Lieu de naissance: Anchorage, Alaska

Strengths: Gomez is a shifty attacker with excellent vision and passing. Very good speed. Well-liked by team mates and a natural leader.

Weaknesses: Gomez does not speak French. Gomez doesn't understand the culture of the Montreal Canadiens, the unique history of the French people, the importance of language and the overwhelming awesomeness of pur laine Quebec. Gomez also makes too much money, which has forced les Canadiens to release Quebecois warriors of better talent like Mathieu Dandenault and Steve Begin. He can also be muscled off the puck in offensive zone, and his faceoffs need work.

Should be traded for: A brave, pur laine French Canadian leader like Daniel Briere.

Nom: Brian Gionta

Lieu de naissance: Rochester, New York

Strengths: Gionta is a speedy and feisty winger who plays much bigger than his size. His energy and attitude are valuable commodities in any dressing room. He has a nose for the net and scores big goals.

Weaknesses: Gionta attended Boston College, not a school like Universite de Laval or Universite de Montreal where he would be properly educated in the history of this great nation. His French is non-existent and constitutes a slap in the face to all Quebecois. He is an unfit representative of our national team Les Canadiens, and will never understand the unique place les Glorieux holds in each pur laine heart. Like other Ethnics with money, Gionta has forced more worthy, more deserving players such as Francois Bouillon out of their rightful places in the Tricolour. His size is also an issue, and it's possible he may never return to his 48 goal season of 2005.

Should be traded for: A dimunitive pur laine superstar, Martin St. Louis.

Nom: Mike Cammalleri

Lieu de naissance: Richmond Hill, Ontario

Strengths: A talented goal scorer and power-play specialist, Cammalleri can play center and left wing. A very intelligent player, he has an appreciation of the Canadiens history and the passion of the fanbase and has expressed his delight at pulling on the sweater.

Weaknesses: As much as Cammalleri says he knows the history of the franchise and respects the institution, as an Anglophone he will never, ever feel the pur laine love for les Canadiens that members of the Quebecois nation will. As such, he is an inferior choice to real Canadiens like Vincent Lecavalier or Briere, who would do anything for the chance to wear le Bleu, Blanc et Rouge. Cammalleri is not a native Francophone, and as such will never be a suitable leader for this great franchise. His salary is outrageous, especially since pur laine talent such as Pierre Dagenais and Alexandre Daigle have been blackballed in favour of this untalented Jewish Italian. Can be inconsistent, and doubts exist as to whether he can keep up his production without Jarome Iginla's help.

Should be traded for: A pur laine scoring star who would bring real honour to the jersey, Mike Ribeiro.

Tomorrow, Part 2: Maudits Anglais

48 comments:

HabsFan29 said...

so much win, 10. And the "we're gonna get sued" tag is a real nice touch

Jimmy G said...

10 days!..

lawyergirl77 said...

Brilliant 10, simply brilliant!!

(and I really don't think that you'll get sued. Does Raymond even speak Hinglish?)

Pension Plan Puppets said...

That was priceless.

The Money and the Ethnics:

You owe me a new keyboard!

Moey said...

Solid gold, and sadly true.

Topham said...

Brave and brash. Well done.

Anonymous said...

total BS....

Bring the cup back and leave the language crap to the the language police and other political b*llsh*ters

There I said it..*S*

Chester said...

Woa Woa Tabernak.
How downright disrespectful to the Pure-Firs.
These are the peoples who gave us Celine Dion, Fin du Monde and I believe created The Chicken Dance.
Have a little respect FFS.

Anonymous said...

Oh how I miss Dagenais. His maturity and love of teamwork. Everytime I think I'll get over his loss, I hear his name mentionned.

LeNoceur said...

Bravo, gents.

Anonymous said...

we're gonna get sued

How is it possible that this is the first time this tag has been used?

moeman said...

Wow, quel manifesto de chez nous à FHF!

HF10's langue de Shakespeare prose (with a wink to Molière bien sur) feels like wrapping oneself's in a nice 110% wool blanket on a cool autumn eve, feet in front of the fireplace on the anti-CHambre couCH. I loved every fucking word and can't wait for tomorrow's 'Part 2: Maudits Anglais'.

Also, it just about made me want to change my username to Bill_101 but my real name is Maurice and Willjam en Français just sounds too weird.

Aussi, allons les pantalons!

... et Réjean Tremblay can go phoque himself, cuz, its, not, his, team.

moeman said...

Also, major kudos on the accompanying pic.

~~~

... and speaking of going to court, back they go in PHO; http://tsn.ca/nhl/story/?id=292055

moeman said...

Waiver wired;

Shawn Belle <--N31 will not be happy

Mathieu Darche

Mike Glumac

Curtis Sanford

moeman said...

Like they say in the porn industry, timing is everything. So today monsieur raymond lets his xenorope fall and reveal the boob.

http://ruefrontenac.com/bertrandraymond/11103-raymond-22sept

No need to read raymond's standard street slag, just read the first commentator and weep.

HabsFan29 said...

timing is everything my god!

why the fuck does he have to mention right up front that the journalist is in anglo. what's the diff than saying a "black journalist"? that first commentor really let him have it

Olivier said...

An anglophone journalist singling out a francophone player? Perish the tought! Those pure laine are so far out there it's actually, you know, frightning. I mean: what lies next?

Oh, I almost forgot: How dare Raymond play out of character this very day? Stie de Tabarnak.

HabsFan29 said...

Subbanator cut already

Brian said...

Just wait until Bertrand gets wind of the story that the Habs are taking a serious look at a kid named James Wolke that plays for the UMD Buldogs!

Brian said...

"James Wolfe"

GoldenGirl11 said...

Sur le troittoir of Rue Fontenac lists all of their journalists with accompanying photos. I have it on good authority* that the last guy is really Menachem Azibo Leibowitz, a black chassid from Brooklyn, New York but they refused to hire him unless he agreed to put a pure laine-type caricature and the name Beaudet in place of his true identity. Makes perfect sense.

* I'm totally making it up

@10
Nicely done

HabsFan29 said...

TFS looks sharp. Someone (JM?) must have scared him after Sat night

moeman said...

The un-FrenCHed Gionta scores. bertrand raymond clenCHes.

Moneypuck said...

I love the who they should be traded for section.

HabsFan29 said...

FUCK

looked tipped

matt - ftc said...

so...1 goal so far this game, 1 goal last game, 1 goal the game before that...this is looking eerily similar.

Boob Gainey said...

I know the pre-season means nothing, but I am worried about this year.

I like Gomez and Gionta. Obviously I like Markov. Not sure about Cammaleri.

But the rest?

The Tits still don't give a shit. Latendresse is still a goof. Gorges keeps getting muscled off the puck. Lapy is simply not very good. None of the young guys is ready for the NHL (Pac, Dags Stewie ...).

We're back where we were when Gainey took over. We might not make the playoffs. We might finish behind Toronto.

matt - ftc said...

gionta looks the best of the 3 so far...

moeman said...

2-2 the season is saved!

matt-ftc said...

nice play...let's not fuck around...keep gionta and gomez together. hopefully cammy can develop some chemistry with pleks

moeman said...

Tenderness puts our Habs up 3-2, I smell playoffs!

Anonymous said...

PLAN THE PARADE!!!!!!

matt-ftc said...

my negativity must has spurred these positive results. I can only conclude that I have to be more negative... latendresse is slow and will never score 20 goals

moeman said...

Gionta for Mayor of Montreal! (please God don't let Hamel win)

matt-ftc said...

so, when is BGL going to actually earn a portion of his contract? can't believe he is hurt again, i have never heard of a guy (outside of baseball) who gets hurt so much while playing less than 3 minutes a game. Maybe he can dress up and become Youppi's sidekick Veggi

moeman said...

Babs should just buyout BGL.

4-3 Bill (name sounds French so he should be a Hab) Guérin pops in a PP cheapie.

GoldenGirl11 said...

@matt-ftc
I heard BGL's not hurt just really gassy from all that tofu. Very tough on the digestive system, you know. Oh and the guy who prints up his embossed invitations to fight has gone out of business so he's in a bit of bind. Poor gassy BGL.

moeman said...

Trois étoiles = Gionta, Gomez, Cammi

Eat that maguire you bald-headed fucking screamer (apologies to all FHF bald-headed fucking screamers)

Also, yeah, I know, pre-season ...

WV = sping, as in most guys whilst googling a hot Habs babe will schwing mightily, pierre maguire, due to his miniscule non-monsterish dink can only sping

moeman said...

Why don't the anti-CHamber couch crew at RDS laugh at pjstock's French like they do with Bob Gainey? Also, weird that FrAnglo pj was ever on the 110% wool station at TQS (or whatever they now are).

boob gainey said...

Ca sent la coupe!

moeman said...

@Boob, did you get a haircut?

Boob Gainey said...

RDS poll: "who will you miss most?"

1. Kovalev
2. Tanguay
3. Komisarek
4. Bouillon
5. Koivu (with only 5% of the vote).

Congrats to Raymond, Tremblay, and that other La Presse bigot who's name escapes me. You succeeded in poisoning the fans against Koivu.

gillis said...

@boob: then 95% of the people that voted are fools.

I ham not canadian

Number31 said...

Three stars are Gomez, Cammy, and Gionta. C'est la faute du fédéral.

fezworth said...

@boob: That is the saddest thing I've ever seen. Maybe I should follow Komi and become a Leafs fan. At least they know when they lose a hero.

Olivier said...

Wow, it's, like, 1976 all over again around here!

Gino Tomac said...

Wow 10...
Maybe my favorite post since "Mickey Ribs is a fucking fuckity-fuck."

(Pause to clap my hands for a moment)

I just clapped my hands for a moment.
Excellent work.

chris nilan said...

anyone else note that pierre macguire kept calling the Gionta/Gomez/Cammy line "the little three"?

does that mean they get to call him "the bald headed idiot"?

and also you know your watching tsn when the commentators talk the leafs who are not even involved in the game almost as much as the 2 teams that are.

whiskeys all around.