For the next few hours, anything is possible - Leafs preview and open thread

Please excuse me while I wax poetic for a while. You know, to classy up the joint a bit. Fuck! Tits! Sorry, just slipped out. Where was I? Ah, hockey. From the frozen ponds of our youth we all have visions of hoisting Lord Stanley's chalice, yet the winds of change MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKER. Man, this classy thing is harder than I thought.

OK, I am just going to get straight to the point. The hours before game 1 of the regular season are the greatest time to be a Habs fan. Or even a Leafs fan, for that matter. Though why you would be a Leafs fan is beyond me. These couple of hours are the time where anything is possible. ANYTHING. Where you can convince yourself that the Habs are going to win the Stanley Cup. If all of the following happen:

• Vodkov comes back 100% and plays at least 70 games like the top 5 D-man he is;
• TFS plays 60-70 games as the number one goalie he could be;
• PFK turns in a Calder Trophy performance;
• Squid pots 40+ goals;
• SuperpleXXXe cements himself as one of the best two-way centres in the league;
• We get some consistent secondary scoring from Big Tits;
• CHicken gets stuck in Panger's trunk and is replaced by Lars Eller who goes on to score 25+ goals;
• Gomez and Gio have consistent, 60+ point seasons;
• SpatCHes and Hamr don't trip over their own feet;
• Our 3rd and 4th lines don't embarrass themselves;
• Count Chokula doesn't screw everything up;
• All of these things continue through the playoffs;
• The deal with the Devil comes to fruition.

If all of those things happen, the Habs will win the Stanley Cup. I believe it, and I know you do too. At least for now. These two hours are precious, people, enjoy them while they last. Because at 7 PM from the ACC on CBC, all of our dreams of Stanley Cup glory will most likely get shattered. Or they would be, if we were playing an actual team.

Your "preview" portion of this post is the following - TFS has sufficiently recovered from his flu to start, yet we are without Hamr (knee), Vodkov (knee), and Squid (NHL wheel of justice). The Leafs have an all-new team this year, so I really can't tell you much about them. Except they suck. Maybe PPP can be more informative. GYFHG.

Media whoring post-script - yours truly is on CBC Homerun at 5:10 or so, discussing Visconti's contribution to the Italian film neorealist movement. Or hockey, whichever comes up.

Welcome to moe's fucking nightmare

Ed.(HF29)'s note - In FHF's ongoing quest to do less work, we have brought up one of the commentors from the minors, so to speak. Long-time commentor moeman will be contributing his parodies as official FHF posts a bunch of times this season. Welcome the sixth Four Habs Fan. We hope you enjoy. If not, fuck you. moe rulz.

Welcome to moe's nightmare

I think you're gonna fucking like it
I think you're gonna FHFeel ... I belong
My word verification free vacation
With necessary alCHohol sedation
I feel @ FHFome, a sCHlemiel with a song

Welcome to moe's nightmare
Welcome to moe's tune breakdown
I hope the BR heads don't scare you
That's just the way he looks, Monsieur orange-haired clown
We swear and laugh and get ice cream here
'cuz life is like a nocturnal wet dream here
You know inside your Pants! you feel right at home here

Welcome to moe's breakdown
Whoa! (bites head off of CHicken)
You're welcome to moe's nightmare
Yeah! (gorgeous Montréal gals in the crowd!)

Welcome to moe's nice hair
I think FHFemmes are gonna like it
I think you're gonna look good in your raunCHy baby dolls
We swear and laugh and never get ice cream here
'cuz FHF is just a meth dream here

I know inside the comments we feel right at home there
Welcome to moe's front page nightmare
Welcome to moe's Habitual breakdown
Yeah! G Y F Heavy silver metal winning Habs!

Oh and no more mister nice guy bouCHer. Fuck!

Under da Pre$$, sure

Um bad bad leaf
Um bum bad leaf
Um bu bu bum da leaf
Pre$$ure pushing down goes brown
Pre$$ing down on Bark! and Dou$harek

Under pressure - Pat Burns we ALL love you man!

Splits a Kabby in two
Puts Wilson on da street

Um bad bad leaf
Um bad year 43
Dee Dion sux
Dee PK sux - that's OK!
Dee PPP sux - that's OK!

It's their terror of knowing
What their team is about
Watching da leafan
Screaming 'Let me out!'

Game one today - gets me higher
Pressure on blue man group - sheeple at ACC
Da dum see bee see
Da da da ba barf
OK

CHippin' around - kick my Pants! on the floor
These are Habs days - it never rains but it pours

Ee Gio be 'C'
Ee da ba ba Mex
Um bobo Kov
Da do da Squid
Yes tee eff ess™
PleXXXe is da SeXXXe
P F fucking fucking fucking Subban!
Squeeze da Beeg Teets
Gotta Bee Lappy …
MoeMaN ain't really me
Tommy and Jeffy on line three

GM is The CHèvre, CoaCH has bad hair
Pearn is kinda square, Kirk has da flair
Boivin's last year, not shedding a tear
Molsons da boss, still has shit beer

Hamr down, Spacek Oddity
My Boy Gorges! Gee Y O'B?
USSGill, towering the 'A'
I know Auld is bald (NTTIAWWT)
Better not CHicken the fuck out
Lars 1 in, Jaro 2 out
Mathieu DarCHe is FrenCH
Boyd'z in da hood, WTF! White out?!

Habs fans on streets - eff a da ehja da eff!

G Y F H !

Queen, in 1986, a great year!

THE GAME DAY SKATE FUCK YEAH for Thursday, October 7th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of throwing a no-hitter in the playoffs...

• Maybe the Habs should reconsider their policy of dragging the team to the middle of nowhere before the season starts, if the players are gonna get sick. Carey Price has the flu and is questionable for tonight. Meh;
• Habs make their final cuts, and as predicted they include Ryan White. Fuck. Also Curtis Sanford, Ben Maxwell, Alex Henry and Swiss Mister II;
• No doubt you were waiting with baited breath for TSN's "expert" predictions. Habs in 9th. At least they put the Leafs where they belong;
• Pat Burns appeared in public yesterday, frail yet joking about his death, God love him;
• Sheldon Souray got assigned to Hershey in the AHL somehow.

Hockey! For realz! Tonight! We're so excited we couldn't sleep. We've got all sorts of stuff lined up for today including some of the surprises we promised. So stick around. It's not like you have anything else to do.

Pants!cast for a new season

Do you enjoy four drunks talking about hockey and occasionally being interrupted by a very noisy bathroom hand dryer? Then have we got over an hour of entertainment for you! The Pants!cast is back for a whole new season of drunken ramblings. The usual gang of idiots (yours truly, HF4, LG77 and Chris from HIO's Other Wing) go through all the Habs positions to preview the season in moderately amusing fashion. Hit that play button in the snazzy new season 2 player or the download link and enjoy the fun.


Download the mp3

So You Think You Can GM, You Pathetic Freaks - Top 6 Forwards Preview

So, you think you can GM? Ya, you and all the guys on Antichambre, the louts in the cheap seats, Jack Todd, H/IO's mouthbreathers, and every Jean, Richard and Henri on the street. You know what? YOU'RE ALL CRAZY. Just like our celebrity guest GM's. 

This team is a team of winners. I picked them to win. So if they play for me, Ari Gold, they will win or they will pray to have their assholes shut because I will manually insert a cantaloupe in every single player's should one of them fail to compete. The Molson's sold to Ari Gold and Ari Gold took care of business. I fired Pierre Douchefuck Boivin and his coat tail riding, look at me I think I'm the new Theo Epstein, son. I call the shots now and I'll fire a round of them in your brain if you don't play your fucking tail off for me. And just for shits and giggles, I made myself GM.


This is Gold's team now fuckfaces and we don't do mediocrity. You wanna be mediocre under the Regime of Ari then you can immediately dip your balls in acid because if I happen to find them i'll cut them off your nut bag. The word average happens to cross your mind for a micro-second in any of the 82 games we pay you to win, you better book an appointment for a lobotomy because I will jab my fingers through your nose so deep I'll rip the thought right out of your head.


Gold baby. That's the name you play for. The Montreal Gold. You may want to call yourselves Canadiens internally but you know that when your paycheque says Gold at the bottom, you don't sweat for anyone else but me. And yeah, if you don't sweat every single ounce of those putrid juices out of your glands, you can rest assured I'll extract the shit out of you by squeezing every inch of your flaccid body with a giant industrial dough roller.


But how can any of that happen when I chose these boys myself? It can't. I didn't get my NFL team but that only made me hungrier for my true lustful fantasy. Meeting Stan Smyl and owning the Montreal Canadiens. 


I've got the best group of top-6 skaters this side of your mother's obesity. They can do it all.


It starts with my captain, Brian Gionta. Anybody question his size again I'll feast on a meal after a game at Queue de Cheval, purposely not take a dump for a week and vomit four-day old bison meat down your throat. The man is a giant. He's got better hand-eye coordination than anyone in the league. He'll will you to victory. He'll lift the chalice of the champion at centre ice again. Count on Gionta for 80 goals this year. Anything less and I'll see to it that the only sport that diminutive molecule could play would be jockey for a pony.


I got Michael Cammalleri. This guy's my everything. I would rather trade my wife and kids for a year of untreated syphilis than watch Mike Cammalleri play for anyone else. He's gonna get every opportunity to score on every shift he plays and he will. Because if he doesn't, I'll send his ass down to the minors and move our farm team to Phnom Penh.


Andrei K has said K bye, nighty night, ciao bellarussia to his stir-the-pot-since-I-can't-play-hockey-for-my-life brother. The mob ties are gone and that's a start, but Andrei K knows that if he wants to play with me he's got to score 60 goals on the penalty kill and legally sever his brotherly ties to that donkey fuck.


Then you've got Tomas Plekanec. I negotiated that boy's contract myself but I told Tomas that if he really wanted to earn his money he'd have to show me how much he wanted it. So I made him drop his agent and go through the entire negotiating process in Aramaic. Bastard didn't know a fucking word of it when it all started but he showed his mettle. Fluent as hell now and can talk up an Aramaic storm. 70 points this year again, but this time he'll get the 70 points in the playoffs otherwise I'm going to slice off his ears Reservoir Dogs style and make him read lips during Mel Gibson's Passion of the Christ.


...crazy celebrity cameo...

Mel Gibson: Did you say anything Gold? You fucker, you dropped me this summer!? Won't return my phone calls, won't answer my mails?! AFTER ALL THE MONEY I'VE MADE YOU! YOU'RE A FUCKING WHORE GOLD! AND YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE A FUUUUUUUCCCCKIIIIING JEEEEEWWWW!!!!!! AH FUCK THAT FEELS GOOD TO FINALLY SAY! A FUUUUCKKINNG JEW, GOLD!!!! WHAT A FUCKING RELIEF TO HEAR MYSELF SAY IT! YOU FUCKING JEW! I FUCKING HATE YOU. YOU MAKE ME FUCKING DIZZY WITH ALL YOUR JEWYNESS! IS THAT EVEN A FUCKING WORD????!!!!! YOU MAKE MY FUCKING LOSE MY HEAD, ARI GOLD!!!! AND I'M GONNA FUCKING KILL YOU. ARGHH, ARGHH!!! (Heavy breathing...). TAKE YOUR JEW CANADIENS ARI AND SHOVE THEM UP YOUR FUCKING JEWISH ASS!!!!! ARGHHH!!!!!! ARGHHHH!!!!! You make me sick.....ah you make me sick....YOU MAKE ME FUCKING SICK ARI GOLD YOU FUCKING JEW!!!!! YOU'RE FIRING ME???? ME????? FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YOU DON'T FIRE ME!!!!!!! I FIRE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AND SO......ARGGGHHH, ARGHHH (Heavy breathing...)....YOU'RE FIIIIIRRREEDDDDDD!!!!!!!!! You fucking jew....


ARGGHH, ARGHH... (Heavy breathing...)....


....


... end of crazy celebrity cameo...


Wow. Ok....


I'm left with either a Lars Eller who wants to show the world that he wasn't the equivalent of acid reflux in the Halak deal or Benoit Pouliot who wants to show the world that his Mr. Invisible trick last spring wasn't reason enough for me to punch him in the face with a Unicef box. The only Lars I care about plays drums for Metallica so if the other One doesn't do the trick on the ice, one call of Ktulu and Enter the Sandman in the ring to administer a round of assault and Battery that would leave the boy drooling in a Sanitarium for the rest of his life. 


The last little man standing on my list is a little Mexican treat,... but the dent he leaves on my bank account for his 50 points makes me want to enlist him in the Juarez police. That waste of my mistress's leisure fund gives me no fucking choice but to entice him with my best argument. Scott Gomez, you make me forget the Bill Gates fortune you're costing me every day, and you play BALLS OUT hockey for 82 games plus 26 in the playoffs, you Alaskan malamute, and I'll let you bang Sofia Vergara, the woman that would make any Latino male with a pulse freaking levitate Exorcist style. You do that for me Scotty and Sofia is Vergaring your balls for a night. Anything less than perfection from you and you'll get ass raped by George Lopez.


Done. That's my argument for the best top 6 guys in the league. Ask me if I care if you beg to differ. I beg to not give a fuck.


Now where the fuck is that Asian Barbie Doll who calls himself an agent? LLOYD!!!!!

The Morning Skate is suspending you for a game for Tuesday, October 5th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of winning the Ryder Cup...

• Squid gets a one-game suspension for his slash on whats-his-name Nino somebody the other night. Sounds, uh, reasonable, we guess. Red Fisher thinks it's a slap on the wrist;
• Here's a report from the Habs in Charlevoix. We miss the "teen ranch" jokes from last year;
• The NHL and its officials have labour peace, signing a four-year deal;
• Here's a recap of episode 1 of Battle of the Blades, including the video of BGL getting cut by a skate in practice. Not for the squeamish;
• The Flames snap up Brendan Morrison.

OK WE ARE VERY CLOSE TO HOCKEY PEOPLE. Day after tomorrow! We'll be busy around here no doubt. The crazy celebrities have their swan song today with the scoring forwards, and by popular demand we'll have a Pantscast at some point. We've also got the debut of some of our surprises, and free gifts for children under 12.

So You Think You Can GM? Britney Spears Grinds with the Grinding Forwards

So, you think you can GM? Ya, you and all the guys on Antichambre, the louts in the cheap seats, Jack Todd, H/IO's mouthbreathers, and every Jean, Richard and Henri on the street. You know what? YOU'RE ALL CRAZY. Just like our celebrity guest GM's. 

Hi y'all! Thank y'all so much for inviting me to play GM for a day. And let me tell y'all, I know a lot about hockey, coming from Louisiana. Y'all know it's a hockey hotbed because Gary Bettman wants to put a franchise there. Uh oh, I think I hear little Jayden crying, so I gotta go... to Starbucks. And then Burger King. And then maybe Starbucks again. While I'm gone, enjoy this little ditty.

Oh Métro, baby
Oh Métro, baby

Oh Métro, baby
How was I supposed to know
That Gauthier didn't like you
Oh Métro baby
Habs shouldn't have let you go
And now you're out of sight; Suisse!

Tommy, McSplooge wants you to be
Show me Tommy
'Cause Habs need to know now what they've got

[CHORUS:]
DarCHe's contract is killing me (and I)
I state a fact, I do believe (do believe!)
If JM plays him I'll lose my mind
Well, one more time
He'll be playing the fourth line

Oh Dominictrix
The reason I breathed was you
A Tampa deal you signed it
In last year's playoffs
Was nothing that you couldn't do
And Stevie Y did find it

Benny, Maxwell great can you be?
Show me Benny
'Cause Habs need to know now what they've got

[Repeat CHORUS]

Oh MOEmaN, baby
Oh MOEmaN, baby
yeeeahhh
Oh MOEmaN, baby
I wanted to let you know
Oh MOEmaN baby
Habs never can let you go

I must confess, that Boyd from the Preds
Will play for us now
Don't you know I do believe
That he will be here
And for a long time
He'll be playing the fourth line

[Repeat CHORUS]

I must confess, that our Max PatCHes
May kill us now
But you know I do believe
Ryan White will be here
And for a long time
He'll be playing the fourth line

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes: Bigger is better, dammit. In some things.

More room for giant Amazon hot chicks. You're not gonna complain about that, are you?

Oh hello there. You may be wondering if you've stumbled into an acid trip of epic proportions. I assure you, this shit is real. Or you may in fact be on acid, what do I know what you do on your weekends. Anyway, we've decided to spruce up the place a little bit. We hope you like it. Not a major change, just some tweaks. After four years, the look was getting pretty stale and we wanted to update it, without really changing it. Also, we wanted some more room for the photoshopping excellence of GG11. Some of the little details she's so good at were getting lost with the dinky space we had. Also, bigger pictures mean less words mean less work for me and the boys. Perfect, 'cause we're lazy bastards.

We'll be continuing to tweak over the weekend so don't be surprised if you see little changes every time you refresh looking for new comments during tonight's final preseason tilt from Quebec City against the Islanders. While we're talking about site news, I know some of you have been having problems lately with the site loading slowly and commenting issues. Really sorry about that. I hope the new format will make it better, and I've done a couple of things that should help. But really, it's a Blogger issue and thus mostly out of our control. There are just too many blogs out there, dammit, fighting for server space. So we thank you for your patronage, and your patience.

Finally, in addition to the updated look, we've got a surprise or two planned for the season that we know you'll like, so be sure to stick around. Let the fucking season begin already. GYFHG.

There's a Certain Sheen on Sexy Friday - It's Spin City for the Defence Preview

Bullet points are late because the GM is hungover for the big TMS/Sexy Friday/Crazy Celebrity Preview:

• Rain in Wales?  That's umpossible!!  Euro smackdown of US in Ryder Cup slightly delayed because of atrocious (read normal) weather patterns on the Isle of the Britons;
• Habs lose to Sabres ... was TFS booed?  I assume he was booed.  Powerplay sucks without Markov.  
• Markov's former powerplay buddies aren't doing so hot ... first Marc Streit goes down hurt, now Sexy Sheldon is on waivers (with Martin Gerber too!).  The Urologist better watch his step;
• Hey, do you like college football?  Because Florida/Alabama, Texas/Oklahoma and Oregon/Stanford are all going off this Saturday.  It's your last Saturday without real hockey!

You know what this Sexy Friday needs?  A Sexy Preview!

So You Think You Can GM: The Defence Gets a Major League Preview from Ricky "Wild Thing" Vaughan

So, you think you can GM? Ya, you and all the guys on Antichambre, the louts in the cheap seats, Jack Todd, H/IO's mouthbreathers, and every Jean, Richard and Henri on the street. You know what? YOU'RE ALL CRAZY. Just like our celebrity guest GM's.

[Bob Gainey and Jacques Martin flank an empty chair in the Canadiens press room. Enter Celebrity GM and star of CBS's hit comedy "Two and a Half Men", Charlie Sheen]

Hey there, wow. I haven't seen this many people at a press conference since I announced my third stint in rehab after the second time I tried to kill Denise Richards. You buncha crazies. I love you all. Not as much as I love hookers and cocaine, but you press guys ... love ya. Stubbs? Boone? Red? Rejean? Brunet? BR? PJ? I love all of you almost as much as I loved porn star Ginger Lynn. Now, I'm not saying I'd want to fake Boone's death, change his looks through plastic surgery and marry him like I wanted to do with Ginger, but all you guys coming to my press conference makes me feel so ... what the fuck, is that Jack Todd!!?!?! Todd!! I told you if I saw you again I'd choke you to death and then stab you more to death! Dammit Todd!! I'm gonna fucking cut y ... [security wrestles GM Sheen to the floor in front of the podium, Doctor Mulder injects him with something].

Where was I? Is this the press conference about 9/11 being a hoax? The defence? Yeah, the defence of the 9/11 apologists is weak, Boone. Absolutely correct, you little scamp. The Habs defence? [Bob Gainey whispers to Sheen] What? I'm the GM of the Montreal Canadiens now?!!?! Holy fuck this is some bender. I'm more confused than the time I bought that sex doll, made two hookers have an orgy with it, then cut off its hand and tossed it in a dumpster. At least I think it was the sex doll I tossed. Hey Dr. Mulder, you got anything stronger?

Okay, well first of all, I think it's time to trade this Andrei Markov guy. Sure, he's as talented as Heidi Fleiss with a rope swing, but he's hurt so much you'd think he was married to me. I'm trading him for Bryan Fogarty. Now that's a strong skating power play quarterback with a nose for ... heh heh, you see what I did there? Somebody tell me what team Fogarty's on. Is he in Florida? Maybe the Panthers will throw Higgins into the deal. I can't put my finger on it but for some reason I like that kid.

This PK Subban. He's fun to watch, makes for a great quote and skates like the wind, but he's as reckless as Tom Sizemore in a Thai whorehouse. Takes too many chances, and I'd prefer my life to be peaceful ... not a lot of craziness going on in Charlie Sheen's world, you know? Unless he calms down I'm sending him to the minors so that David Fischer can play. Fischer never makes the headlines, so he must be doing something right. Maybe keep that Alex Picard too. Pick-ard. Pick. Ard. Pick. Arrrrrd. Reminds me of pick-ax, which is what I'm planting in that fucking ungrateful Jack Todd's head if he comes back in here. Todd!!! I'm watching you, bitch! Todd!!

That Hal Gill and Josh Gorges are somethin', aren't they? I like to call them two and a half men for the way they played in the playoffs. Two and a Half Men. See what I did there? Two and a Half Men. All new episodes on CBS Mondays at 9:00, just after that fucking terrible Rules of Engagement show with David Spade. David Spade? Seriously? How did that little twit date Heather Locklear after I hit on her for like six years on Sin City and got nothing? Spade's the Jaro Spacek of CBS comedy Mondays ... great success as the sidekick to somebody else, and totally overmatched when trying to do too much. He's ugly too. Like that porn star I killed during that layover in Houston on the Scary Movie 4 press junket in 2005. No, not Spade. Spacek. C'mon Tremblay! Try and keep up!

Can I just say, I have no idea why the other guy who does this job lives in Vermont? There aren't nearly the amount of coke dealing hookers and strippers in Vermont that there are in Montreal. I had sex three times on my walk from the hotel to this press conference. I'm spending Roman Hamrlik type money out there. [Jacques Martin tugs sleeve of Sheen's bowling shirt, points to reporters] What?

Yeah, Hamrlik's overpaid. But he's solid. He and that Kostitsyn kid hooked me up with some ... um ... speakers. Yeah, that sounds plausible. Speakers. Reminds me of the time me and Jon Cryer went looking for a hit between tapings and ended up buying a surround sound system out of some dude's trunk in the In-N-Out Burger parking lot on Santa Monica Boulevard. Then I pushed Cryer out of the car and got a hooker. Good times. It was a long time ago, though. Around the time Hamrlik was really good.

Oh hey, Chantal! I didn't notice you there. Did you get my text? About the ... you know? Interested? No? Your friend isn't interested, or you aren't? Cause I can get someone to fill in one of the spots but ... [Gainey frantically whispers to Sheen]

Right, right, the defence. Nice depth. There's all those kids on defence too. Carle, Weber, that Russian guy, the other one with the funny hair, the tall kid that was gonna go to Notre Dame ... hey, my Dad went to Notre Dame on tv. President Bartlett. I wish I could have cameoed on that show. I heard Aaron Sorkin has a mountain of coke on set. So we're good on defence there. Aces and Eights. Speaking of eights, hey, has anyone seen Price? I paid him for an eight-ball ... [Microphone cuts out, Gainey, Martin and numerous security tackle Sheen]