Friday, July 01, 2011

Habs UFA Preview and Transformer 3 Review

Even this wasn't enough to save it.

There is a striking similarity between the two subjects of today's post.

Let us take a stroll through the garden of UFA's, conveniently for me listed by what may well be their future former teams. That stroll may give you a clue as to what the similarity is. Let's see if you can guess.

(Of course, if you're saying to yourself the caption already gave it away. Well.. okay, yeah, I can see that. That movie suuuuucked. And I got sucked in by the hype, agaaaain.)

Anahiem: CHips! Yeah, no. Have a nice AHL career. Only a tad more seriously, how about Ray Emery as backup? Not gonna happen, but if he did I'd put the over/under at 2.5 for the number of wins he gets before he punches out a cop on St Laurent. And maybe "accidentally" gets shot by Montreal's esteemed Constabulary.

Boo: I don't want anything from their dirty smelly team, no matter what they won last year. Live in the now, it's all about next season. (through muffled tears)

Buffalo: Tim Connelly if it means Gomez is gone. Otherwise, no one.

Calgary: Blehch. And Stampede is overrated.

Carolina: Does Eric Cole have anything left in the tank? At least it'd keep him from scoring against the Habs.

Chicago: Robert Klinkhammer. I'm drooling over the photoshop possibilities.... The only guy seriously worth considering was traded and signed in a warmer place.

Colorado: Geez there's a reason they finished second last. I suppose Peter Budaj as backup? If he promised to pick up all the pucks after practice and not look Mr. Price directly in the eye at any time.

Columbus: Freakin' Wiz, that's who they shoudda signed. And Goat, you're telling me you could only get a conditional 5th? Wiz is gonna get less than $4 per and Erhoff gets traded twice for forths? I know my math is no good but that doesn't make sense to me. Getting Garon as a backup would be a good fit. He can win in streaks if TFS gets hurt, his hope of being a starter have been crushed and he was never a distraction as a backup in his first incarnation when he did have dreams.

Dallas: **Crosses fingers for miracle that come October Gomez is in ugly orange and Richards in bleu-blanc-rouge at a premiere franchise discount** Yeah, again not probably gonna happen.

Detroit: They're probably gonna sign the Wiz and it makes me sad. But happy for Wiz. Good luck, you crazy kid and your tweeter thingy with the saying stuff. I think Eaves has wheels so maybe he's be okay for depth.

Edmonton: Jeff Drouin-Deslaurier: Yes, it will cost Brother Geoff a fortune in lettering, but with French-Canadien depth in Garon shutting the bench door in the bigs and DoubleD down in H-town: three birds - one stone.

Florida: Bergfors seems the most attractive option and he looks smallish, and can't seem to score or defend very well. He's probably going back to Sweden. Bernier = Pouliot.

L.A: Handzus as a slightly bulkier and younger left shooting Jeff Halpern? No? Maybe Alexi know there's a k in there.. anyway him for the third line so he can have a Post-Soviet always disappointing lazy ass to replace the French Canadien one we appear to have just let go? Mmm...perhaps I've already given away my position on the proposition.

Minnesota: Gio aside, Andrew Brunette's ass had more goals than most Habs wingers. So okay, except he's super slow. Other than that...



Okay fine, bring him back as a backup. As long as Mr. Paris Hilton behaves, and I suspect he would, now. (So last Hilton joke if you come back, I promise.)

Nashville: They just cut a Dumont! Hey, he's big! Plus, he scored! But, than was then. Now, he's slow. And, he's done. Please don't be seduced by the dark side, Goat.

New Jersey: The Moose! He'll probably be too expensive but I'd love to see Hedberg in MTL, just for the legend and the headgear.

New York (real): Formerly overpaid ageing superspuds anyone? Well then, you have your pick of the litter: The Drury, McCabe and Prospal models will  all available for perusing. Please leave it at that. Prospal may seem intriguing for his size, 20-25 goal  potential and playing alongside fellow Czech Pleks. But he's old and slow and no Jagr.

New York (fake): I hate to admit anything coming out of this rotten "franchise" is worth considering but if Nabby would play for what he signed for in Detroit, snatch him up. Unlikely (and is even even really a UFA? TSN says so, anyway, but I though the Wang could make Snow hold him hostage on the Island. Like he did to James Bond. I'm saying Wang is evil.) Zenon has an awesome name, face off acumen and size. But he'll probably get overpaid by some other GM in a southern climate with a cap to fill and bloodthirsty morons to satisfy - all cause of cause of his fists and the Trevor Gillies crazy smell he and his teammates can't seem to shake.

Omsk: Jagr. Please, Jagr. Even two years. Yeah a year is better, but who else is there? And he's Jagr. You can't teach that.

Ottawa: I guess Fragile Pascil (stretch, sorry) wouldn't be the end of the world as a backup but for god-that-doesn't-exist's sake, the Goat's gotta sign another quality tender. Other than that, the Butler and Greening kids were prospects once, I guess.

Philadelphia: Ville Leino. Other than that, wouldn't it be fun to see Jack go nuts with Zherdev on the team? That would not end well. And I doubt they'll get The City. Ohh, now that I see it in writing I really want them to sign him - just for that nickname.

Phoenix: Belanger - now this one, I wouldn't mind. Great on faceoffs, could anchor an awesome fourth line if they somehow got enough depth to play him, MOEn and Darche/White there regularly. Somehow. Not likely in our price range even for all his intangibles given his offensive output, one would think.

Pittsburgh: They resigned Dupuis who would have been helpful and hilarious, but is Sid's boy - so good for him on cashing in. Talbot isn't big, hasn't ever scored more than 13 goals for a pro team, and has been a substantial minus is 4 of 5 NHL seasons. Why?

San Jose: Ben Eager or Ragin' Ray? Eager might get so jacked up by MTL fans he's start eating the Plexiglas.

St. Louis: They didn't qualify Dagger? He scored 20 goals. But probably a retread for in Montreal's eyes.

Tampa Bay: We're almost done and the first guy I can get a little even excited about: Simon Gagne. Potentially fragile, yes. Alex Tanguay Redux? Maybe. Denis Savard all over again? Perhaps. But you gotta roll the dice sometimes on stuff like that, and they seemed willing with Vodkov. They've got the bucks, the cap space, the cultural fit, and most importantly, there appears to be no reason why he couldn't be a perfect fill with Pleks and Cammy on the top line. The only thing that seems like a big question mark is whether Gagne is ready to handle the Great French Canadien Saviour mantle. I'm not sure I'd want that.

Toronto: Double Blehch. And Ty Biggs is overrated, already.

Vancouver: Higgs for the third line! Please Mr. Gauthier, if we, like, swear to, like, not expect too much from him this time, can we keep him? We'll treat him nice, I double promise!! (As you can see, personally I'd be giddy as little gurl.)

Washington: Jason Arnott .. will probably get more money elsewhere. But it would be nice. Say it with me: especially if it means Gomez is gone.

Winnipeg: Radek Dvorak is the most appealing option, mediocre at best. Like Winnipeg! Bazinga!! Welcome back to the NHL, bitch. It's still cold where you live.

So one could get excited about Richards, Gagne, or Jagr. There are a handful of somewhat attractive second tier options like Leino and Prospal, maybe Connelly or Belanger or Handzus. Lots of back-up options and options for back ups, but that's not surprising. But Habs will probably walk away disappointed. Again.

Review Time: Although I have to admit there was some coolness in the movie in the form of giant robots kicking the shit out of each other in slow mo with glowing metal swords, how about you cut a million bucks from the ginormous CGI budget and spring for a decent writer. And the new blond is no Megan Fox running in slow motion. The acting was about the same, whatever. Amazingly, it managed to offend me as a nerd on two levels: both as a Transformers fan and as a Star Trek fan. I hate what you've done, Micheal Bay. Again.

So there it is. All hype, and a hugh fucking letdown in the end. That's my unnecessary long UFA preview and Transformers 3 Review that was itself unneccesarily long.


maii said...

Happy Canada Day!

Mr. natural said...

Bonne Fete Canada!

Are the FHF Aliens not needing any sleep?

Fun read, prediction: Goat WILL disappoint and second prediction: Michael Bay will produce another huge budget movie where many things blow up spectacularly but in the end is a shallow piece of shit.

That is all.

Number31 said...

Happy Canada Day! Screw you NHL for making everyone work today.

My list is shorter, and fairly reasonable. It's not like there's a whole lot out there...

I wouldn't touch Gagne with a 10-foot-pole. Mostly because, even if I don't touch him with it for real, the very essence of the 10-foot-pole will give him a concussion and knock him out of the line up for 20 games. Same goes for Connelly. (Come with his own personal stretcher)!

HabsFan29 said...

Yay Panger's back!!!

Pickings look mighty slim today

Canada, fuck yeah!!!!

Kmaxx said...

Panger - nice to have you back even if it's only for a Canada Day pint(or thirty three!)

Really nobody I can get excited about this year and I'm not getting sucked into the Jagr bullshit. If he wants to come here, he will, otherwise - fuck'em!

Happy Canada Day everyone!

moeman said...

Good read 33.

C A N A D A !!!

the Maritimer said...

One guy's name that never gets mentioned anymore is Malkin. Pittsburg only has 6.4 million left in cap space. Wonder if they would consider moving one of their superstars for a package. They don't need a goalie but they might want PFK. They probably wouldn't want back another high salary like Cammalleri, but would they consider AK46 on Crosby's wing? If I was the Goat it might be worth pursuing. Maybe Hall Gill could help with negotiations.

Le Douze said...

Call me a sentimentalist, but no way I give up PFK (with or without anything else) for Geno. With AK46, it would be "and what else?", and, no, Gomer's not gonna swing it, neither financially nor in hockey terms. I like Geno's hands, but don't see him here... more likely if/when he moves it is to a smaller market trying to hit the floor and bring in a star.

the Maritimer said...

Oh yeah, I forgot...GO Als!!!

I'm too old for Transformers, but I liked Green Lantern. It was fun to watch.

the Maritimer said...

@Le Douze, I wouldn't part with PFK either, but you can bet his name would come up. It's all fantasy BS, but I would offer them AK46, Tinordi or Beaulieu and a pick and say here's your cap space. Staal jumps in the #2 hole for them.

Maybe Kovy whispers in Malkin's ear - Montreal is a fun city, you'd like it there. Just imagine the battles between Malkin and Ovechkin. Montreal would finally have a true superstar forward since Guy!

Steve said...

Happy Canada Day
With TFS and PFK all we need is a full lineup and the cup is ours.

the Maritimer said...

Happy Canada Day Steve! Hope all is well on the Hill!

Buttman sends his regards and says thanks for all your support Canuckleheads. Our economy sucks right now and we need all the help we can get.

Mr. natural said...

WTF are you all smoking!! (...and can I have some) PFK!!! After TFS arguably the next untouchable on the team.

Squid is a proven playoff performer and Plexxx is Mr. two way and a threat on the PK but are they as promising as PFK for the next decade +? PFK may well become a legitimate superstar.

OK so I'm dreaming that any team can keep a player 10+ years anymore but we will need TFS and PFK with a few seasons under their belt to seriously challenge, otherwise we will constantly be re-building like the PHucks down the 401.

HabsFan29 said...

Only one more hour til absolutely nothing happens!!!!

LJ said...

I target scottie upshall, anthony stewart, ben eager, mike rupp...
and shane obrien on the back end. and I throw an offer sheet at boucher and

size, grit and can play a regular shift.

Sofia said...

"Wiz is gonna get less than $4 per " (Panger)

"#CBJ sign D James Wisniewski. Six years, $33 million." (Twitter, 15 minutes ago)

Free Agency Day is all kinds of fucked up.

LJ said...

like someone said, we get a 7th for a 5.5M d-man, the nucks and isles get a 4th.

Sofia said...

@LJ: Habs get a 5th round pick instead of 7th now that he signed with CBJ. So, a little better, but still messed up.

HabsFan29 said...

FIVE MINUTES!!!!!!!!!!

*continues to drink heavily*

TSN reports Pittsburgh withdrew its offer to Jagr. Habs are a shoo-in now!

HabsFan29 said...

uh, 3 minutes. I have Monty Python Holy Grail King Arthur disease

*continues to drink heavily*

the Maritimer said...

Just to be clear I wasn't advocating trading PFK or TFS in my little Malkin wet dream. All I was saying was that PFK is the first guy they are going to ask for.

Read an interesting article over at CTV Montreal. Carbo will only accept a head coaching position in the NHL, nothing less. Cammalleri says with their core intact they will challenge for the Stanley Cup next season.........

Well, you little pricks better get off your fucking arses and score some goals. Price and PFK can only do so much to keep them out. Howsabout you (#13) and Gomez, Gionta, Plexxe and the rest actually do what you are paid for - score goals. Otherwise you're just blowing smoke up your ass. Enjoy your golf tournament this weekend Cammy. You've had lots of practice.

HabsFan29 said...

can someone just poke me when the Habs do something? the back and forth between the fifty different TSN panels is making me nauseous

HabsFan29 said...

Jagr a PHucktard. Ick.

chris nilan said...

WE GOT STAMKOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

oh no wait.... that's Peter Budaj.

carry on.

Steve said...

Fuck Jager, dead to me, I am going to sell all my mint Jager Rookie cards now. I even have a rare French one that worth almost a dollar.

I guess that means no Richards. So Jagar had the same price tag as Tits, hmmm.

HabsFan29 said...

there's a new post up to announce the HUGE newszzzzz...