1 down, 81 to go. Some good, some bad last night. It's gonna go on like this for the next 6 months we think. Settle in, grab your calendars and look forward to the spring (we hope).
HF29 loves hot chicks in sports jerseys. He would last maybe 20 seconds with this one.HF10 - Dammit, for the first time in a long, long time the Habs are favoured to really do some damage. It's not like the good old days, when as a child I expected Guy, Dryden, Big Bird and the rest to roll down Ste. Catherine, Stanley Cup, Conn Smythe, Hart, Art Ross, Norris and Vezina in tow, but it's nice to be back to taking losses as a personal affront. Less success in the regular season, but they make the Finals, and we let the ghosts take it from there.
HF29 - The injuries are going to pile up, including to Big Tits. Kovy will then begin to sulk when he's got Gui! on his wing, reverting to old enigma Kovy, and the fans and media will pile on. The expectations are going to weigh this team down like a 300-pound john weighs down a hooker during missionary. Price is headed toward the Vezina so Jaro (along with prized D prospect Valentenko) is traded at the deadline for a rental Gaborik. Two days later Price is shot in a late-night strip club incident. Although he survives, he becomes spooked by small objects flying toward him at high speed. After finishing the season on a 3-game shutout streak, Cedric Desjardins is anointed the "new" saviour à la Dryden and Roy, but is unable to help the Habs get past the second round.
Panger - Habs will not finish first but will make it to at least the third round of the playoffs, Carey and Markov will be major trophy finalists, and Breezer will spend most of December thru March locked in the trunk of my …errr… “a” car.
HF4 - I did my part yesterday and fasted for 25 hours: an hour per Cup. If only Mathieu Schneider and Sandy Koufax were on our team…maybe it would have meant something. Predictions? Look at it from a mathematical perspective. That’s your safest launching pad:
ab2x4 + bx3 + cx2 + dx + ad2 = 0 (a, b, d ¹ 0).
Generalized reciprocal equation.
The substitution: Tanguay for Ryder
y = bx + d
x
leads to a quadratic equation of the form
ay2 + y + c - 2abd = 0.
Result, Habs lose in the third round on a balmy Saturday in May, and the Finals begin in Pittsburgh to the theme “I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghost”.
Good job on the one paragraph thing, 4. Photo "courtesy" the awesome Habs Girls Facebook group.
Bear with me while I tell a little story. Feel free to pour yourself a drink. Back in August or something, the fine folks / crazy motherfuckers over at The Pensblog asked FHF to write them a little preview of the Habs' coming season. We said sure. But between the meth and the fine summer stripper weather, before we knew it, the season was getting quite close and we hadn't written a thing. We slapped together some lame jokes and it became a preview. Alas, the Pens' season started a week before ours, and the Pensblog never had a chance to post our opus. Rather than let it go to waste, you can check it out, totally unedited, after the jump.
I typed "hot goalie" into google and this is what I got. Hockey fans, meet Hope Solo, U.S. Olympic 'keeper and undisputed hottie. Damn those are nice eyes. And yes, as far as I know, her brother's name is Han.
Clockwise from top: Rhino, Hamr, Markov and DOOM invite you to just fucking try and get to TFS.
On the Main Stage - Markov, DOOM, Rhino, Hamr, Frankie B, Gorgeous Gorges, and Fucking Patrice Fucking Brisbois (aka the Breezer), with possible cameos from El Dandy (El! Dandy! Fuck!).
Eager and ready (?) to enter, stage left - This is much more Panger's forte, but even I know the Habs have stockpiled a whole bunch of defenders. Names to watch are Yanick "He's Swiss so he's the next Mark Streit" Weber, steady Mathieu Carle (after he remembers his name - preseason head-shots are not great for development), Darius Kasparitis clone Pavel Valentenko, and wild card Alexei Yemelin. The Habs also have uber-personality PK "The Subbanator" Subban and collegians David Fischer and Ryan McDonagh as ones to watch in the future. It's good. It's very good. Trevor Timmins deserves a raise.
The tits - Markov is an elite-level defenceman and possibly the team's best all-around player. A true number one, he leads the power play, kills penalties, is an exceptional passer and has a good shot. DOOM was among the league leaders in hits and blocked shots last year and is an uncompromising, hammer-you-silly, pick-another-side-of-the-ice-to-try-that-bullshit-dipsy-doodle-shit-you-pansy, headcracking bunch of awesome. Hamr is a cool head, the steadying veteran presence and mentor for Gorges, Rhino, and the kids. Rhino is DOOM with training wheels, a big and nasty but still raw kid with a penchant for stealing purses. Gorges is a sight to see; he spends at least half of every shift getting hammered into the boards or tripping over his own feet, but always seems to get the puck out of danger. Despite being 5'2" and 87 pounds, Frankie B is a bowling ball who always plays tough.
The cellulite - The loss of Mark Streit will affect the powerplay; the fact that Tanguay and Little Tits are being touted as his replacement on the point may tell you something about the d's offensive potential behind Markov. DOOM can often be caught out of position looking for the big hit; Rhino is guilty of the same. Like every third pair, Frankie B and Gorges can sometimes look overmatched and tend to run around. Hamr tired noticeably by the end of last year and will need to play less in the regular season. Any injury to Markov would be devastating.
The armpit hair – Breezer and El Dandy. Sigh. Two vets with limited physical presence, a tendency to get shoved around in their own end, and not enough offensive talent to compensate on the other end. But they're French ... that has to count for something, right? Fuck no. Breezer and El Dandy's only value is comedic and shit stops getting funny the first time Price gets his bell rung by Milan Lucic because these two fuckers missed an assignment.
In the VIP Room - DOOM's contract is up this summer, and that should terrify every Habs fan until he's resigned. He will never score enough to win a Norris, but he's the one guy every opposing forward constantly watches for, and until Rhino finds some consistency he's the team's best hope at corralling not only the Crosby's and Lecavalier's of the world, but also the jackasses and miscreants that populate teams like the Bruins & Flyers. The Rangers and Isles will be first in line for the New York native if the Habs don't get him under contract, his best friend Higgins be damned.
Chez Parée bound? If he's injury-free, Markov goes to the All-Star game again and approaches the 60-70 point barrier. If DOOM continues his current career trajectory he could be a poor man's Scott Stevens. Rhino has the same potential. Hamr gets in because he's making enough money to pay for all the dances. If Franky B and Gorgeous do what they are asked, they can sit in the back, but they aren't allowed to touch anything.
Signature song – "We Are the Road Crew" - Motorhead. Everyone raves about the offence and expects great things from TFS in goal, but this team goes nowhere without another excellent season from the guys doing the dirty work on the back end.
6.5 lap dances (out of 10) – A lot depends on staying healthy, the continued development of Rhino and Gorges, and career-ending injuries/trades/retirements from El Dandy and Breezer.
3a.m. Smoked Meat Sandwiches:
HF29: HF10’s analysis is so spot on I can waste this 3 AM smoked meat sandwich on upping my Breezer Gilooly ante to $100. C’mon kids, you can do it!
Panger: If Doom or Markov get anything more than a rash this season we’re fucked. Let’s hope Hamr plays like last year and not the year before when he got run out of Calgary. And because it’s never too early to start worrying: God help us if DOOM leaves after this year.
HF4: I could say that I miss Gaston Gingras or David Wilkie or Ron Hainsey or Dennis Maruk's mustache, but I would be lying about everything but the latter. More on What the Hell Does This Have to Do With Anything? tomorrow.