Thursday, October 09, 2008

No Sex in the Champagne Room: The Most Important Position IN ALL OF SPORTS: Goaltending

I typed "hot goalie" into google and this is what I got. Hockey fans, meet Hope Solo, U.S. Olympic 'keeper and undisputed hottie. Damn those are nice eyes. And yes, as far as I know, her brother's name is Han.

On the Main Stage – He’s the new-and-improved TFS ™ - now with 10% less fat that the other leading brands - Carey Price. And with him as always (or until Gainey can get offensive defensemen for him), Jaroslav “Call Me Jaro” Halak.

Eager and ready to enter, stage left (which in Denis’s case will be when Rollie the Goalie-maker is done tweaking his style and fucking with his head) – Former Bolt/Av/Jacket retread Marc Denis – he of the career NHL GAA over 3.00 and with one plus-.500 seasons as a starter – replaced Yann Danis, and will with split time in Hamilton with Cedric Desjardins (apparently your name must start with a “D” to play in Hamilton). Desjardins is coming off a Championship run of his own down in the ECHL with Cincinnati. For some reason people aren’t talking about him stealing the starter’s job in Montreal like they did last year when Carey won the AHL championship – oh yeah, because this guy is probably a career minor-leaguer. The Habs do have a monster named Jason Missiaen in junior that could make some noise in a few years.

The tits – Both keepers have the ability to steal games. Carey is not only a virtual lock to develop into a franchise ‘keeper, that may happen as early as this year. He became the team’s starter a year younger that Luongo, and two years before Brodeur. The question this year is: where is his ceiling? Does he even have one?

As for Jaro, he could probably challenge for the starter’s job on many teams, and while he doesn’t have a ton of experience he definitely has starter upside. Won’t be in Montréal, though. His real upside is as our favourite correspondent/cult hero.

The cellulite – Besides being young, nothing more that the usual: if Carey and Jaro get hurt and Denis becomes the starter, the Habs miss the playoffs. It is that simple. The concern about Carey’s so-called “meltdown” against Philly is overblown – he may have given up some soft goals but he was no Red Light Racicot. The Habs as a team stunk it up against the Flyers – and the outcome didn’t change with Jaro in nets. Nor was it Carey getting stoned by Marty Biron. (OK, I’m letting it go now…)

The armpit hair – Is it a good thing when your 3rd-stringer has more career NHL starts than your top two ‘tenders combined? Let’s hope youth between the pipes does not equal red lights. There will be question marks after every bad goal because both goalies are so young, but this is more because goaltending is such a key position that due to any real concern that Carey & Jaro can’t get the job done. The real question is how good can they be?

In the VIP Room – Carey will be a Vezina Trophy finalist, Jaro will play 25 solid games and be the subject of trade rumours all year. If Denis is ever called up, he’ll move to Cote St Luc so he doesn’t have to feel like an old man next to Carey and Jaro.

Can I add a prediction that Breezer will be locked in the truck for half the year again – this time by Carey and/or Jaro? I know he’s a defencemen and this is a goalie preview, but what if the defencemen is the reason your goalies suck?

Chez Parée bound? They’re goalies - they always get in. It’s the least we could do for the men who choose to stand in front of hard rubber disks launched towards them at over 100km/hr.

Signature song – How can you choose a song to represent a stoic small-town western boy and a burgeoning Slovakian cult hero? Can’t be done.

9 lap dances (out of 10) – After HF10 went the tough-love route with the defence, I chose to coddle: No goaltending tandem in the league boasts two young goalies with as much upside, and I’ve already predicted a Vezina-worthy performance from Carey. It might have been 10 if either of them were old enough to grow a playoff beard.

3a.m. Smoked Meat Sandwiches:

HF29: How about “Stop! In the name of love” for a signature tune? I love me some quality goalies.

HF10: Price seems too normal to be a goalie. I like my goalies kookier. Does he knit his own touques? Throw up between periods? Drink like a fish? Go to law school in his spare time? Read Mary Wollstonecraft? I'll need to learn of some sort of bizarre non-creepy quirk before he has my total confidence.

HF4: "Insert Jaro Comment here": Jaro can't talk because it's Yom Kippursky.


Anonymous said...

that should be over 100MPH and it freakin' hurts even with padding.

HabsFan29 said...

@anon - only if Al Iafrate is shooting

well done Panger. On the hope Solo selction I mean

I kid, I kid. Takes a goalie to analyze a goalie. I'm worried about sophomore slumps...

HabsFan29 said...

*selection. typo in honour of Panger

Montréaliste1 said...

Didn't quite get the Cote St Luc reference... fill me in

wrap around curl said...

Things in this life that make me happy: shirtless pictures of Carey mothereffing Price from his facebook.

I love you, internet.

offspace said...

she might be hot, but:" take a look, up close she needs a paper bag for her head

Anonymous said...

HF10: Price IS wierd. Garth Brooks on the mask? Likes horses and bulls and all that wierd ass rodeo sh*t. There is hope for the kid even if he wises up and gets 'with it'.

HabsFan29 said...

@Mtliste1 - lots of old people in Cote St Luc. that's about it. Plus, Panger used to live there so i guess he wanted to name drop or something

@offspace - YIKES!!!!

Habsfan10 said...

@ Anon:

The country music/rodeo thing is just because of where he grew up. I'll need something crazier. Now, if he was from Cote St Luc and loved that stuff, we'd be onto something.

Tom said...

You missed the most important part of the preview: It's time to put a ban on media saying "The Price is right" or "Price-less." Time to come up with some new headlines (I smell a contest here).

Like maybe "Price Carey-s team to victory" or "No more Mr. Price guy."

Okay, they're not great either, but at least it's a bit more original than what the media write now.