Friday, October 10, 2008

No Sex in the Champagne Room: FHF weigh in with their quickie predictions

HF29 loves hot chicks in sports jerseys. He would last maybe 20 seconds with this one.

Can the Habs celebrate this 100th season of glory with the ultimate prize? Everyone and their cousin is picking the Habs to win the Northeast, the East, or even the Cup (the lunatic fringe). The FHF have challenged ourselves to predict the Habs season in one paragraph (or less) each. Restrict the amount lawyers can speak? Good fucking luck.

HF10 - Dammit, for the first time in a long, long time the Habs are favoured to really do some damage. It's not like the good old days, when as a child I expected Guy, Dryden, Big Bird and the rest to roll down Ste. Catherine, Stanley Cup, Conn Smythe, Hart, Art Ross, Norris and Vezina in tow, but it's nice to be back to taking losses as a personal affront. Less success in the regular season, but they make the Finals, and we let the ghosts take it from there.

HF29 - The injuries are going to pile up, including to Big Tits. Kovy will then begin to sulk when he's got Gui! on his wing, reverting to old enigma Kovy, and the fans and media will pile on. The expectations are going to weigh this team down like a 300-pound john weighs down a hooker during missionary. Price is headed toward the Vezina so Jaro (along with prized D prospect Valentenko) is traded at the deadline for a rental Gaborik. Two days later Price is shot in a late-night strip club incident. Although he survives, he becomes spooked by small objects flying toward him at high speed. After finishing the season on a 3-game shutout streak, Cedric Desjardins is anointed the "new" saviour à la Dryden and Roy, but is unable to help the Habs get past the second round.

Panger - Habs will not finish first but will make it to at least the third round of the playoffs, Carey and Markov will be major trophy finalists, and Breezer will spend most of December thru March locked in the trunk of my …errr… “a” car.

HF4 - I did my part yesterday and fasted for 25 hours: an hour per Cup. If only Mathieu Schneider and Sandy Koufax were on our team…maybe it would have meant something. Predictions? Look at it from a mathematical perspective. That’s your safest launching pad:

ab2x4 + bx3 + cx2 + dx + ad2 = 0 (a, b, d ¹ 0).

Generalized reciprocal equation.
The substitution: Tanguay for Ryder
y = bx + d
x
leads to a quadratic equation of the form
ay2 + y + c - 2abd = 0.

Result, Habs lose in the third round on a balmy Saturday in May, and the Finals begin in Pittsburgh to the theme “I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghost”.

Good job on the one paragraph thing, 4. Photo "courtesy" the awesome Habs Girls Facebook group.

5 comments:

Anonymous said...

I know you might tell me to go root for the Leafs...but honestly, the ultimate prize is in the photo. Let's see, girl in photo or Stanley cup???? Be truthful now!

Limerick Dude said...

First, I have no shame. I'd take the 20 seconds over a Habs cup. Go Habs in 2010!

8 Minutes of Agony, 100 Years of Glory
Alternate Title - 45 seconds of Agony, 100 Years of Glory, based on reading time vs. writing time.
By Limerick Dude

So starts the drive for twenty five
How long can the Habs stay alive?
With Breezer locked in Panger's trunk
The CH will not be sunk!
Our time of GLORY will arrive!

Markov and DOOM guarding the rear
Alone is worth a nine dollar beer
Add Rhino and Hamr to the mix
And we don't need no more tricks
The end of our cup drought is near

Big Tits, Little Tits, I sure like 'em all
The Kostitsyn Bros too, they're as good as a Staal
Add Gang Bang Lang and some orange Tang, eh
and a bit o' LaWreck will make our day
and then maybe we can give Max Pac a call

We got Koivu, Kovy, Higgins and Pleks
What the hell are we gonna do next
Begin, Mad Max and Greek Lightning
Can all be very, very frightening
I hope Gui! Gui! Gui! isn't hexed

With 10 percent off the regular Price
Our goaltending looks very nice
Add our cult hero Jaro
and some Whiskey in the Jar-o
I'm positive it will suffice

So ends the lame limerick rhyme
Whaddya want for 14 minutes of my time!
Get off my back
ya fuckin' hack
Bad poetry's not a crime!

HabsFan29 said...

@Limerick Dude - that's beautiful

Ian Vitro said...

Prediction: Price doesn't live up to the hype. Takes number one spot, but really stays quite mediocre.

Prediction: Injuries to Hamrlik, Markov, Lang and Kovalev (at different times) don't destroy us, but do scare the shit out of us and make everyone wonder what the hell we spent all that money on Lang for.

Prediction: Koivu posts a career season and actually gets healthy now that he isn't trying to do the work of 3 men every shift.

Prediction: Jaro is pulling his own goalie over the Facebook group. "Jersey look mach more good on womens than teem. I no pley with yoo fags no more."

moeman said...

Um, that 'hooker' still gets paid right?

Our Habs make it to the Finals this year. Whilst there, anything can happen and just might.

Go Habs!

Go Hockey!

Go FHFs!