Friday, October 10, 2008

No Sex in the Champagne Room: a season preview through the lens of, uh, crazy Pens fans?

Bear with me while I tell a little story. Feel free to pour yourself a drink. Back in August or something, the fine folks / crazy motherfuckers over at The Pensblog asked FHF to write them a little preview of the Habs' coming season. We said sure. But between the meth and the fine summer stripper weather, before we knew it, the season was getting quite close and we hadn't written a thing. We slapped together some lame jokes and it became a preview. Alas, the Pens' season started a week before ours, and the Pensblog never had a chance to post our opus. Rather than let it go to waste, you can check it out, totally unedited, after the jump.

Hey ho, classy and friendly Pensbloggers! HabsFan29 of Four Habs Fans here. You may know us from some of our best work including "Top 10 strip clubs to watch the game in" and "Meth: it's a hell of a drug." We've taken a break from the hard work we do ten bucks at a time to give you the lowdown on how and why our boys we'll break up what you all think will be the inevitable Wings-Pens Finals. Though without Gonchar and Whitney for at least half the season, it ain't much of a challenge now, is it?

First, let me offer some sincere apologies to the Pensblog overlords. We were approached at least a month ago to knock off this little preview. We dove right in, penning a 10,000 word opus on how Mats Sundin was going to push us over the top. It was glorious. Alas, as we tweaked the language (damn lawyer training) and added crappy jokes, GM Bob Gainey joined in the FHF growing chorus of "Fuck You Mats" and signed Robert "Gang Bang" Lang. Distraught that we wasted our entire summer on the Swedish suck-fest, we hit the bottle hard and only came out yesterday. So sorry for the delay.

ANYWAY, let's dive right in to the salient points of why the Habs will at least be contending in the East. Sure, I could be a dick and proclaim the Habs will win their 25th cup, all high and mighty like, I don't know, Pens fans. But in Montreal we know from hockey gods, and we know not to anger them.

100 years of karma - Habs are celebrating 100 years of existence this season. There will be parties and ceremonies and drafts, oh my! Now, while we think history is a load of crap when it comes to the present or the future, there is a beautiful mathematical symmetry in 25 Cups in 100 years. Of course, that means dick all. We're not idiots. We're not Bruins fans.

Tits! And more Tits! Now we're talking. The emergence of Andrei "Big Tits" Kostitsyn last year on Kovalev's other wing gave the Habs a true #1 line for the first time since the Carter Administration. And by the end of the season, his brother Sergei ("Little Tits") proved he belonged too. The scary thing is, Little Tits is (are?) probably better.

We can score, dammit - yes, yes, we all know the Pens have God's Gift to Gary Bettman and that Malkin kid. They're OK. I hate to tell you though, that the Habs were second in the league in scoring last year. Pens were 7th. Them's the numbers. Oh, and to roughly that same team we've added Alex Tanguay and the aforementioned Gang Bang. You've subtracted some Hossa dude. We're just sayin'.

DOOM!!! - Destroyer Of Other Men, Mike Komisarek, the defenseman's defenseman. Led the league in blocked shots last year. Was second in the league in hits, leading all defensemen. He's just entering his prime at 26. Pair him with the offense of Andrei Markov (58 points), and you've got a top 2 D that rivals any team's.

Lay off my skill players, muthafucka - The big complaint about the Habs over the last several years was the lack of an enforcer. Habs addressed that issue in the off-season with the addition of Georges Laraque. You may have heard of him. He's asked me to tell you that he's looking forward to a reunion.

Between the stripper poles - Carey Price has been anointed The Franchise Saviour (tm) for a reason. 24-12-3, .920, 2.56 in the regular season. Sure, he flamed out in the Playoffs. You try leading your team to the World Juniors (tourney MVP) and the Calder Cup (Playoffs MVP) in the previous year and see if you're not tired. And this off-season, he's gone conditioning-crazy to ensure that won't happen again. With cult-hero Jaro Halak as a solid backup (and Marc Denis if necessary), we aren't worried. Or at least we're trying to convince ourselves of that.

Five reasons we're worried - Fucking Patrice "Fucking" Brisebois, The Breezer, Breeze-by, Breezy, Feel the Breeze. Goddamn he's a nightmare.

A bunch of other nicknames that won't mean squat to you until you're on FHF talking shit in the comments during the playoffs - Rhino, Pleks, Greek Lightning, Max-Pack, The Hamr, Mad Max, Higgy, Chips, Gui! Gui! Gui!

And we haven't even mentioned - Captain K, Saku Koivu, the biggest heart (by weight) in the NHL. Look it up.

Buh-bye - Michael Ryder is destined to haunt us from Boston, and Mark Streit is totally being overpaid on Long Island. They don't know that for a defenceman, he can't play D.

Microsoft Outlook 2009- See you on stage in the Conference Finals as we fight for the right to get our asses handed to us by the Wings. We've heard the Habs are the sexy pick to win the East. We'll grab a $9 beer and some Tits and see.

1 comment:

Vern said...

Georges isn't a fighter anymore. He's a lover.