- Well that was... unpleasant? Disappointing? Frustrating? All of the above? Habs lose the home opener 4-3 in overtime. TFS was great, he deserved better. Fans throwing stuff on the ice in response to refereeing has inspired the TSN Sportscentre Top 10 this morning, but really, the Habs were outplayed for a lot of this game. They were a disaster in the defensive zone, and were undisciplined. Not to mention attempting to nurse a 2-goal lead for 40 minutes, which is dumb. More later today;
- To make you feel worse, the Leafs are now 3-0 after denying the Pens their first win;
- The Devils were up to 16 skaters last night, but when you've got Marty Brodeur that is often enough as he shut out the Sabres 1-0;
- Ryan Getzlaf gets four points in the Ducks first win of the season, 4-3 over the 'Nucks.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
The Morning Skate for Thursday, October 14th
Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of getting rescued form a Chilean mine...
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Ahhh, what could have been - Lightning preview and open thread
Imagine the season opener in an alternative universe where things worked out a little differently. During an 8-game losing streak last March, the Habs sack Count Chokula and the Goat, immediately promoting Guy Boucher to the big club. His free-wheeling style turns the Habs around, and led by Price (thanks to Boucher's skills at communicating with young players), they go all the way to the Conference Finals. During the playoffs, the Molsons have secret backroom dealings with the most promising young GM around, one Stevie Yzerman, and sign him to a 3-year deal after he promises to become bilingual by 2015. In the off-season, Scott Gomez has his right hand mangled in an accident with a Cuisinart while preparing fajitas for a dinner party, losing his ability to grip a stick. His retirement frees up the cap space to swing a Vinny trade, re-sign Dominic Moore and sign backup goalie Dan Ellis after the Little Tits trade. They face the sad sack Lightning in their home opener with semi-nude starlets sitting in the stands. Habs win 6-1, and Tampa tumbles to the bottom of the league by November before they are relocated to Houston prior to the 2011-2012 season.
Woulda, coulda, shoulda happened. Alas, Stevie Y and Guy are working their magic down South, and the Tampa Habs are dangerous and predicted by most to make the playoffs. Welcome to the Habs home opener, in our universe.
Details, details - 7:30 P.M. start at the Bell, though I'm guessing actual puck drop around 8. Lightning won their season opener and the Habs are 1-1, in case you can't keep track of two games so far.
'stie calice - Vinny, Marty, now Simon Gagné and Guy Boucher. Think there will be motivation pour eux autres? J'ai peur.
Early season stats may or may not be misleading - Habs PK 100%, Habs PP 0%. Wherefore art thou Markov?
Please Hamr, hurt 'em - Hamr makes his return to the lineup, shoving Alex Picard to the pressbox. Allegedly he will be playing with Rhino though, not SpatCHes. I'm not sure how I feel about that.
It's a mitzvah - Your Habs goal-scoring leader is Squid, your points leader is Jeff Halpern. Mazel Tov to all!
Pre-game reading - Raw Charge is probably the leading Lightning blog, for whatever that's worth.
Post-game entertainment and adult entertainment - as the game draws to a close, don't forget to vote for the 3 stars, a new task assigned to YOU, the Habs fan this year. Take that task seriously! Vote for the backup goalie who cheered on his team admirably. After you've finished that, sit back and enjoy this video of Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive for 2010, Minka Kelly. I have no idea why I'm posting this, except I feel it's our duty at FHF to chronicle these very important awards that affect us all.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
The Morning Skate is tossing you in the clink for public intoxication on Tuesday, October 12th
Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of becoming the all-time CFL leader in receptions...
- BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA. If you don't think the Little Fuckity-Fuck getting arrested and jailed for public intoxication Sunday night is funny, we don't want you reading FHF;
- Blues get a 5-1 win over the Ducks, with the heroes being Jaro and D'Agostini;
- Ovie gets an OT winner over the Sens;
- Blackhawks get their first win over the season, 4-3 over Buffalo;
- Pens also get their first win, 3-1 over New Jersey, who played with only 15 skaters for some reason;
- Sean Avery is the recipient of an obscene blowjob gesture. Almost as funny as Ribs in prison;
- It's a Carbo RDS column. It's boring;
- Habsfan10 contributed some excellent hate on the Bs and Laffs to Barry Melrose Rocks' Hater's Guide to the Eastern Conference;
- Toronto still leads the Northeast division.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
The Past Shall Soon Be Forgotten: Habs 3 - Pens 2
I counted three saves last night. I couldn't resist calling them saves of Halakian proportions.
Carey stopped a whole lotta stuff last night. Enough side to side movement to make me want to dust off my Achy Breaky Heart moves. I just don't think you understand folks.
It's so intense that the Pittsburghonites booed PK every time he touched the puck. Before and after the kid took a high stick to the face. Booing PK? Now what on earth has PK done to merit that kind of treatment? If you're gonna boo, douchebags, why not boo the player who scored 43 goals against you in 7 games, one of which featuring the most compelling foot to stick special you'll ever order.
Maybe they booed PK because the fans figured the series was a done deal after the Pens took out our anchor on the blue line. Maybe the fans hadn't realized that PK would step into Markov's shoes like the Talented Mr. Ripley.
Carey was so good on this night he started to pull the converts out of hiding. The goaltending he gave us made it feel like spring all over again. Remember those insane identical pad saves Jaro made on Crosby and Malkin in the early portion of the third period of game 7? Those were so good you'd want to create a religion for them.
Well Carey came up with his own brand of doctrine yesterday.
I won't totally buy into the dogma yet, but I'll let the guy ringing at my bell in and listen to what he's got to say. Last year, I was making sure no one would walk in front of the door so that they wouldn't see that we were home. Now, I'm listening.
Was he ever quick in his lateral movements. That notoriously slow glove was pretty remarkable on a couple of occasions.
Look Carey, again, I won't move to Denmark with your followers and track a comet around Iceland, but you can come in and I'll make you a cup of camomile. Leave the pamphlets with me, I'll take a look at them. But you've got to do me a favour. If I'm joining your group of disciples, you have to throw a curse on the infidels that have the gall to boo one of the nicest young gentlemen this league has ever known.
I want you to make Evgeni Malkin look like Shrek.
....
Saturday, October 09, 2010
Piss on the fucking Penguins and their new building - Pittsburgh preview and open thread
You know, we hate a lot around here. We love, too, don't get me wrong, what with all the FHF groupie sex we're having. But our shared passion is hatred of certain teams. We play the Bs, we play the Laffs, and are united in our despising of the opposition. It's why a game against Columbus is boring. Not just that it's Columbus, but there is just no animosity there. Makes for a boring game. When it comes to hating, there are the Bs and the Leafs, and then there is everyone else. Oh sure, you could write a 10 Things I Hate or something about just about any team (well again, maybe not Columbus), but there are really only certain teams you really get your hate on for. The aforementioned Bs and Leafs, the Flyers, Detroit, maybe the Rangers (just for the pity), maybe some of the other Canadian teams. For a long time I was terribly ambivalent about the Pens. No more. Fuck them. I hate them and their piece of shit crybaby captain, and I don't care who knows it.
So what was it that pushed my Pens hate to the next level? Well I don't think I need to remind you that the Habs beat the Pens in last year's playoffs. Or maybe I do, who knows your brain my be addled with drugs like mine. Anyway, I really didn't hate the Pens going into that series. I even respected them. I always liked Sid as a player, thought he worked hard, I liked his style. Sure, a bit of a crybaby but what are you going to do. I hated their fans more than the team, what with the fans complaining about us complaining about Sid complaining. Even as the series progressed, even with all the Bettman-inspired bullshit refereeing, I really didn't hate the Pens; my hate was directed at the NHL and CBC announcers. Then Game 7, Sid got an obvious penalty in the first period and cried about it. Man up you pussy. Then, I don't think I need to remind you of his post-Game 7 interview of dickishness. I was starting to hate, but really, it was one player, not the team. I was still ambivalent about them. Then this year rolled around, and the Pens moved into a new building, the Consol Energy Center. In conjunction with that move, the team has unveiled a new slogan:
Destiny has a new home.
Urge. To kill. RISING. Hate: complete. "Destiny"??? You have a fucking "destiny" you motherfuckers? You have jack shit except attitude and assholery. Go piss on yourself and your destiny. Take your destiny and shove it up your Game 7 loss. Thank you, Pens marketing department, for creating a slogan that the rest of the league can coalesce their hate around. Great, I now have something in common with Flyer fans. I hate my life.
Join me for the hate at - 7 PM from the Consol Center on CBC. Both teams lost their openers.
I can even hate on my own team - CHicken and the defense, notably the new Baron von Pylon, Jaro 2.0.
I can't hate - Squid, back from the antisemitic suspension, he of the 7 goals against the Pens in the series last year. And the new guys, Boyd, Eller, and Halpern who all contributed in the Leafs loss.
I can hate in a fun way - The Pensblog. They were always the personification of their asshole fans (at least they were funny about it), but now they redesigned their site. "Oooh, look at us, we're real journalists not bloggers with our fancy schmancy website. We're better than you." You are not.
Piss on the Pens.
Friday, October 08, 2010
Game 1: Get Your Own Pre-Game Ceremony, Thieves of Already Created and Now Well Established Pre-Game Ceremonies! Leafs 3-Habs 2
Let's talk 3D. I'm tempted to make this about the 3D that played for the Habs. I'm tempted to say that Carey's flu left him seeing the action in 3D...
Instead, I'd like to say how the Leafs found every possible dimension to make fools of themselves.
Put on those 3D glasses and read my words. They'll feel so different I promise you. They'll feel penetrating. Let me penetrate you with my words.
P.K. was the best D on the ice. It's a bit nuts to think about what the man can do at this age... or at least that's what I was told. I didn't watch the game. Why? Why you ask? Because I was an emotional wreck after that pregame video about how ice is made.
The geniuses who run the Leafs marketing department thought it fitting to tell Canadians (people who live in Canada) how to make ice. Supposedly, you just take water and when it gets cold enough, it turns into ice. But that wasn't the tear-jerker. What did me in was them telling me that this "water" can be found all over our great land. Turns out it's everywhere! Wow.
And then, as I was regaining consciousness, they bring out Russ Courtnall. That's right, Russ and his 12 career goals were there. That's when I started convulsing. It dawned on me that what i just saw was the equivalent of the Montreal Canadiens honoring Todd Ewen before a game. Todd Fucking Ewen.
But Todd Ewen's jersey would be hanging from the rafters if he was a Leaf.
But that's not enough. The mensa gang over at MLSE find it fitting to TOTALLY plagiarize the Canadiens' pre-game ceremony they put together during last year's playoffs. But there's a twist: the kneel at centre ice child ignitor didn't set the arena on fire, he drowned it in water by pouring a cup of water at the centre ice circle. To do it is one thing, but to do it in front of the team that actually created it is like the Russians inviting Neil Armstrong to a "Boris was the First Man to Walk on the Moon"party.
Next week the Leafs are going to have a ceremony honouring Lanny MacDonald for mapping the genome sequence.
Who could watch the game after that? Of course, the story on this page would now include a recap of the game had the Habs won, buy the Habs lost, so the post begins and ends with the comments about this imbecile ceremony.
The Morning Skate for Friday, October 8th
Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of Kelly Brook in FHM...
- You don't like to lose the first game of the season. You don't like to lose to the Leafs. Well, both happened last night. Leafs 3, Habs 2. There was some good (PFK, the new guys who scored), some not so good (the power play, Spacek) and some awful (CHicken). More later today;
- Jordan Eberle was more impressive than Taylor Hall in the Oil's 4-0 win in the Battle of AB. Bulin Wall had 37 saves for the SO;
- The Blackhawks open their title defense with a loss;
- The Pens open their new arena with a loss to the Flyers.;
- Gui! scored but the Wild lose in Helsinki.
Thursday, October 07, 2010
For the next few hours, anything is possible - Leafs preview and open thread
OK, I am just going to get straight to the point. The hours before game 1 of the regular season are the greatest time to be a Habs fan. Or even a Leafs fan, for that matter. Though why you would be a Leafs fan is beyond me. These couple of hours are the time where anything is possible. ANYTHING. Where you can convince yourself that the Habs are going to win the Stanley Cup. If all of the following happen:
- Vodkov comes back 100% and plays at least 70 games like the top 5 D-man he is;
- TFS plays 60-70 games as the number one goalie he could be;
- PFK turns in a Calder Trophy performance;
- Squid pots 40+ goals;
- SuperpleXXXe cements himself as one of the best two-way centres in the league;
- We get some consistent secondary scoring from Big Tits;
- CHicken gets stuck in Panger's trunk and is replaced by Lars Eller who goes on to score 25+ goals;
- Gomez and Gio have consistent, 60+ point seasons;
- SpatCHes and Hamr don't trip over their own feet;
- Our 3rd and 4th lines don't embarrass themselves;
- Count Chokula doesn't screw everything up;
- All of these things continue through the playoffs;
- The deal with the Devil comes to fruition.
Your "preview" portion of this post is the following - TFS has sufficiently recovered from his flu to start, yet we are without Hamr (knee), Vodkov (knee), and Squid (NHL wheel of justice). The Leafs have an all-new team this year, so I really can't tell you much about them. Except they suck. Maybe PPP can be more informative. GYFHG.
Media whoring post-script - yours truly is on CBC Homerun at 5:10 or so, discussing Visconti's contribution to the Italian film neorealist movement. Or hockey, whichever comes up.
Welcome to moe's fucking nightmare
Ed.(HF29)'s note - In FHF's ongoing quest to do less work, we have brought up one of the commentors from the minors, so to speak. Long-time commentor moeman will be contributing his parodies as official FHF posts a bunch of times this season. Welcome the sixth Four Habs Fan. We hope you enjoy. If not, fuck you. moe rulz.
Welcome to moe's nightmare
I think you're gonna fucking like it
I think you're gonna FHFeel ... I belong
My word verification free vacation
With necessary alCHohol sedation
I feel @ FHFome, a sCHlemiel with a song
Welcome to moe's nightmare
Welcome to moe's tune breakdown
I hope the BR heads don't scare you
That's just the way he looks, Monsieur orange-haired clown
We swear and laugh and get ice cream here
'cuz life is like a nocturnal wet dream here
You know inside your Pants! you feel right at home here
Welcome to moe's breakdown
Whoa! (bites head off of CHicken)
You're welcome to moe's nightmare
Yeah! (gorgeous Montréal gals in the crowd!)
Welcome to moe's nice hair
I think FHFemmes are gonna like it
I think you're gonna look good in your raunCHy baby dolls
We swear and laugh and never get ice cream here
'cuz FHF is just a meth dream here
I know inside the comments we feel right at home there
Welcome to moe's front page nightmare
Welcome to moe's Habitual breakdown
Yeah! G Y F Heavy silver metal winning Habs!
Oh and no more mister nice guy bouCHer. Fuck!
Under da Pre$$, sure
Um bad bad leaf
Um bum bad leaf
Um bu bu bum da leaf
Pre$$ure pushing down goes brown
Pre$$ing down on Bark! and Dou$harek
Under pressure - Pat Burns we ALL love you man!
Splits a Kabby in two
Puts Wilson on da street
Um bad bad leaf
Um bad year 43
Dee Dion sux
Dee PK sux - that's OK!
Dee PPP sux - that's OK!
It's their terror of knowing
What their team is about
Watching da leafan
Screaming 'Let me out!'
Game one today - gets me higher
Pressure on blue man group - sheeple at ACC
Da dum see bee see
Da da da ba barf
OK
CHippin' around - kick my Pants! on the floor
These are Habs days - it never rains but it pours
Ee Gio be 'C'
Ee da ba ba Mex
Um bobo Kov
Da do da Squid
Yes tee eff ess™
PleXXXe is da SeXXXe
P F fucking fucking fucking Subban!
Squeeze da Beeg Teets
Gotta Bee Lappy …
MoeMaN ain't really me
Tommy and Jeffy on line three
GM is The CHèvre, CoaCH has bad hair
Pearn is kinda square, Kirk has da flair
Boivin's last year, not shedding a tear
Molsons da boss, still has shit beer
Hamr down, Spacek Oddity
My Boy Gorges! Gee Y O'B?
USSGill, towering the 'A'
I know Auld is bald (NTTIAWWT)
Better not CHicken the fuck out
Lars 1 in, Jaro 2 out
Mathieu DarCHe is FrenCH
Boyd'z in da hood, WTF! White out?!
Habs fans on streets - eff a da ehja da eff!
G Y F H !
Queen, in 1986, a great year!
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