Saturday, January 09, 2010

Fear the Situation: Jersey (Shore) Game Preview and Open Thread

Urge to kill...rising

Fresh off the shutout of Florida, the Habs host Marty Brodeur, Snooki, Zach Parise, Pauly D and The Situation in the Bell Centre. Hit the tanning salon, put on your finest Ed Hardy tee, and enjoy the trainwreck!

Waiting in line at Karma, Bamboo, or some other ridiculously named, neon filled, Guido infested Jersey Shore nightmare: RDS and the CBC will show you the goods at 7:00 pm from the Bell Centre. Habs on big one game shutout streak, Devils were on a three-game winning streak before last night's game against Tampa was
called midway through because the fucking power went out. Congratulations, Jeremy Jacobs and the Boston Bruins; that time the power went out in the Boston Garden during the Finals versus the Oilers now looks slightly less embarrassing. SLIGHTLY.

Hot like Pauly D spinnin' tunes or JWoww fightin' other Jersey Shore biatches: All hail the Giant Mexican Chicken, which has given the Habs secondary scoring ... or is it primary scoring? (see below). Andrei Markov has slowed slightly, but that's gonna happen when nobody is scoring. Jaro. JAR. O. Stopped a ton of shots again. Shutout again. Kept the team alive again. Where is this team without it's goalies? Down in the Taylor Hall sweeps, that's where. For the Devils ... hmmm ... can't think of anyone who is hot other than OH, EVERYFUCKINGONE. Marty Brodeur is ageless and sets a new record every time he laces on his skates, Zach Parise should terrify every Canadian Olympic hockey fan because he and Ryan Miller give the US a puncher's chance, and Travis Zajac is the 6-3, 200 pound centre the Habs have needed since Bobby Smith left. By the way, the Devils have won 14 of their last 17 versus Montreal. Just sayin'.

Cold like Sammi when Ronnie is shakin his Guido-self on the dance floor without her: Remember the excitement when GMC started clicking and we all celebrated the arrival of secondary scoring? Well, since Big Tits went down, Pleks and Squid are scoreless in 3. Max Pac is also scoreless in 3. Matt "I've got pictures of Bob, Jacques and the Molson Brothers performing a satanic ritual with 3 CEGEP girls and a goat" D'Agostini is scoreless in fourteen fucking games. FOURTEEN. FUCKING. GAMES. He spent time on the "first" line last game. Read that last sentence again and tell me you're happy with this team's development system. For the Devils, when you are cruising along atop the conference or close to it, everyone is livin' large like The Situation in the hot tub, but Patrick Elias may finally be on a downward slope. Watch him score a hat trick tonight.

Busted like Snooki's face after the infamous punch heard round the Shore: You've probably heard the news: Big Tits has knee trouble and is out for up to six weeks. Little Tits is still a few games away, and Rhino is questionable as he returns from family matters in B.C. Jersey is missing defender Paul Martin indefinitely with a broken arm, Dainus Zubrus indefinitely with a busted kneecap, and valuable winger David Clarkson has leg issues.

Watchu lookin' at? You gotta problem wit' us?: We have no problems with our good friends the Ookies over at Interchangeable Parts. Any lovely ladies who can keep their senses of humour after willingly watching Devils hockey year after year are okay in our books. We're almost positive neither of them have hooked up with Pauly D or The Situation.

Post-game adult entertainment: Grab some Crystal and join JWoww, Snooki, The Situation, Vinny and Pauly D in the hot tub. Just make sure you take a shower afterwards.

60 comments:

gillis said...

i was bored, really really bored... so I went to hockeybuzz.com to read some bullshit and I found la creme de la creme of bullshit. Eklund claims Saku will return to montreal for another playoff run. HA

HabsFan29 said...

oh Snooki. i so want to punch you. and sleep with you. i have a short skanks fetish

boob gainey said...

Eklund's rumour is impossible. There is no Montreal team contemplating a playoff run.

Oh wait, does Saku play soccer?

Good news: we have four lines tonight.

Shutdown said...

HF10, you know you love Jersey Shore. Don't try to deny it.

We got a Situation here.

Leaf Raker said...

We have four lines? My math has BGL there, totaling to 3-2/3 lines.

Shutdown said...

LR- BGL's out, Ryan White's in.

Habsfan10 said...

@ Shutdown:

Jersey Shore has a certain charm, like a Target at 10:00 pm on a Friday in South Bend Indiana. It's fascinating and repellent all at once!

eyebleaf said...

Bloody fantastic post. The titles were brilliant.

Go Devils.

moeman said...

heh@HF10, nicely done. Also, love how GG de-tanned the usually orangier NJers.

GoldenGirl11 said...

@Moe
Didn't do much with the tans. It was arming the chicken that was the big challenge.

moeman said...

@GG, I was thinking the same about arming our sans-Tits Habs.

LeChaim (formerly known as Le Douze) said...

Finally I'm not traveling on hockey night and Mrs. Le12 figures that an evening hearing Bach's Magnificat would beat the Habs-Devils game. Drag.

Mind you, she got to watch the last snorefest at the Pru Center on her birthday (and she's a Leafaholic), so maybe she has a point.

Anyway, if anyone is awake by the end of the game, let me know if any of the players are, too. (I heard that D'agger swallowed a bottle of Ambien and hasn't actually woken up since November, so don't bother updating me on him.)

WV: hospitu - Is it too much to hope that the hospitu will fuck up BGL's back irreparably?

moeman said...

Bring Me Some CHicken

Tonight the Habs might feel weak
But all in the East conf. is fair
Laps don't turn the other CHeek
Feel the Urologist's slapshot
and the stink of the foul NJ air

CHicken I know you're only human
With Mex-Gio you've got some skating room
But tonight while BB's making excuses
Gu:('s the other man making Wild love to who?

Somebody bring me some CHicken
Can't you see our big cocked line
Can't you see BB's got another lover
I don't know how Poule's gonna survive!!!

Somebody bring me some CHicken
Can't you see he's out of control
BB's got his heart but BB's lost his mind
Hope tonight the fucking Devil's get no goals

When will this .500 aCHing pass
When will this (maybe) boring night be through
I want to see the breaking of Coco's trap
I want to feel the CHeer of the red hot light

I'd do anything to get BGL out of my mind
I need some FHF insanity, that temporary kind
Tell me how will I ever be the same
When I know that GG and Moey are whispering my name!!!

Somebody bring me some CHicken
Can't you see he's burning the line
Can't you see that Bertrand's got another lover
I don't know how Québec's gonna survive

Somebody bring me some CHicken
Can't you see it's finger lickin' good
CHicken's got my heart and CHicken's got my pants
And tonight Marty's Devils give up lotsa goals

Fuck, the Devil's, Go Habs Go!

Gino Tomac said...

Hahaha...
I'm currently sitting in my edit producing a special on the Jersey Shore that's airing next week on MTV.

Between this show and your preview, I have no doubt that D'agostini is scoring a hat trick tonight.

lawyergirl77 said...

Moe - thanks for the tribute to my favourite Melissa Etheridge song... It may or may not have played a HUGE part in my auditioning for Canadian Idol, but I digress.

Now it's gonna be stuck in my head all. damned. game.

moeman said...

Bienvenue lg77.

~~~

Took my daughter to see a concert some 4 years ago (my girl is now 19). Headliners were our fave Tragically Hip and Melissa burned the house down as the lead-in. I doubt there is another rockin' woman as emotionally energetic as Mme. Etheridge. Thank God she is still with us.

Moey said...

This virtual reality stuff is pretty cool. I actually HAVE a chest cold now although I would have preferred the floor length sable or the private jet. I look and feel like a bag of monkey shit. But all is not lost, Mr. Moey is out for the evening.....no cooking, no falling asleep on the remote. I'm planning on stuffing my face with pizza, watching a bit of hockey until I doze off in front of the fire, which will probably take about five minutes into the game. Bliss.

Oh, and moeman, good job as always.

moeman said...

Merci Moey, get well cuz we need you in 'top' form. (36 if I recall)

lawyergirl77 said...

"I look and feel like a bag of monkey shit" - I am going to mercilessly plaigiarize that next time I get sick. +37.9 degrees, Moey!!

Enjoy the pizza - I hear it has curative qualities.

Off to the game. First one I see live in a long time. They'd better not lose (even though I have a funny feeling that they will). Sigh.

boob gainey said...

This Ryan White guy actually scored a lot in junior.

Maybe he's not a grinder after all.

moeman said...

cbc/hnic sure loves their stupid leaf. Sickening sycophants.

Moey said...

@moeman,

And they just love to make every excuse in the book for them. It's real simple, they're a crap team.

Anonymous said...

I love this blog!! Excellent post, 10. So good I had to read it twice!

Go Habs Go!

HabsFan29 said...

OK gonna try to tear myself away from the football game(s) to watch this. Cluck Cluck Habs!

Can't you see that Bertrand's got another lover

my favourtie line in a long time. killer as always moe

did anyone notice Gino Tomac produces documentaries for MTV? the FHF commentariat never ceases to amaze

hang in there Moey!!

HabsFan29 said...

crap Cincy just made it interesting. one hand on the clicker on hand typing comments for me!

HabsFan29 said...

nice CHeers for Jaro

HabsFan29 said...

crap crap

Ca-rey! Ca-rey!

moeman said...

I miss the good ol' uppercut.

chris nilan said...

this brodeur kid is pretty good.

moeman said...

Fat Ryan's Jets won, ack.

HabsFan29 said...

we deserved better

moeman said...

Martin Brodeur has had an amazing career. Kudos for all that. After he bags another Gold for our country at VAN2010, he should retire on top of his game (how else will our Habs beat him?)

kevincrumbs said...

Good effort in the first so far.

moeman said...

Mex!

kevincrumbs said...

Gomer (thanks to Hamr)!

habsfanonthewestcoast said...

a goal on brodeur!!!
plan the fuck'n parade

moeman said...

@hfotwc, always good to plan a head but let's win the game first.

kevincrumbs said...

Bull-fucking-shit. Give White a penalty too.

moeman said...

houde&brunet are double-teaming Brodeur. Get over him already.

GoldenGirl11 said...

@Moe
or just get a hotel room already.

Sitting to Marty's left. They guy is unbelievable....especially given he eats all those delicio pizzas.

GoldenGirl11 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
boob gainey said...

Marty owes all those records to the fucking trap. Fuck him and his boring team.

And he isn't going to win a Gold medal.

hfotwc said...

@mm
has brenoit bunette managed to complete a full sentence tonight?

Moey said...

*sits up, rubs eyes*

We're tied? Cool.

boob gainey said...

Cool! The Jets won!

moeman said...

@hfotwc, brunet has been too busy splooging Brodeur so most of his mouthful garbling has been incomprehensible!!!

HabsFan29 said...

Everything but score. I can't take it. Entertaining at least.

GoldenGirl11 said...

Very entertaining. Especially my trip into the men's bathroom by accident.

HabsFan29 said...

a deserved point, i guess

Anonymous said...

As much as I`d like for them to win it in OT, I`d like for this to go to a shootout to see if Gomez and Gionta can score on Brodeur.

hfotwc said...

fuck that was a fun 3rd period

HabsFan29 said...

aw crap

sad ending to a decent game

moeman said...

Garbage ending.

kevincrumbs said...

Lucky fucking bullshit. Fuck the Devils.

hfotwc said...

phaaaaak

chris nilan said...

now that's the definition of cherry pickin.

fuck. we deserved the win this time.

orangeman said...

Well, judging by the reaction of the NJ announcers on that goal, the Devils just won the stanley cup, olympic gold and got laid all at once. There's excitement, and then there's screaming 15 replays, gushing in a mid-season game.

Moey said...

Bummer.

GG11,

Forgot to mention I just love the mini jumpsuit on the giant chicken. It's so beachy.

Ha! Leafs just lost 4-1. Night night.

hfotwc said...

philly is gettin'whipped

GoldenGirl11 said...

@Moey
10 and I were thinking it was kind of a wet suit. Nothing like seeing a big ole chicken do a little surfing and then blow up a bunch of idiots.