Thursday, October 21, 2010

Kinda Sorta Instant Karma's Gonna Get Lou: Devils Preview and Open Thread

Yeah, I'm as disturbed by this image as you are.

Listen, it's no secret we think Lou Lamareillo is evil.  Hell, just last week Panger pointed out that Lou fires coaches at weird times and takes all the credit.  He foisted the hockey world's most soul-destroying style on the NHL and inspired so many copycat teams the league actually had to change the rules to make hockey interesting again.  He convinced an arbitrator to gut St. Louis by handing him Scott Fucking Stevens for a wet-behind-the-ears Brendan Shanahan (even in their respective primes, you're FUCKING CRAZY if you trade Stevens for Shanahan straight up).  He hid long term injured players in the minors to avoid cap problems.  He looked the other way when noted headhunter Stevens played heat-seeking missile with people's skulls.  He never condemned Cam Janssen for nearly murdering Tomas Kaberle.  Did I mention he sucked the life out of the NHL with "Devils hockey", which consisted of Martin Brodeur, Stevens, Niedermayer and Rafalski at the back, Elias and Sykora up front and 15 nameless, faceless backchecking drones who bored their way to three Cups? 

Well, look what's happening now.  After Lou went all in at the trade deadline last year for Ilya Kovalchuk, who might be the runaway winner in a "Name the Least New Jersey Devil-Like Forward in the NHL", the Devils are finally getting their karmic due.  We hope.  Kovalchuk was a point-per-game player in 27 regular season games with New Jersey, and had another 6 points in 5 playoff games.  But he never gelled with his linemates and the whole team looked disjointed and out of synch in the 4-1 playoff loss to the Flyers.  This summer, Lou came up with a contract so outlandish that even the idiots in the NHL head offices couldn't look past it.  It cost the Devils $3 million dollars, a 3rd round pick and a future 1st round pick.  The Devils then turned around and signed Kovalchuk to a 15 year, $100 million dollar deal that has hamstrung their payroll so badly they played with 15 skaters due to injuries and suspensions.  The Devils cap situation is so bad they couldn't bring anyone up from the farm.  Tee hee hee.  Now, with Kovalchuk still a square peg in a round hole, Stevens, Niedermayer and Rafalski long gone, Martin Brodeur suddenly showing his age and the effects of 35 years of cheesburgers for breakfast, and no cap room, the Devils are struggling.  Watch them blow the Habs out of the water tonight just to piss me off. 

The details: Tonight, live from the Bell Centre at 7:30.  On the RDS and the free til October24 for Bell Expressvu subscribers Centre Ice.  Habs 3-1-1 coming off win versus Ottawa on Saturday, Devils in (hopefully) karmic free-fall at 1-4-1. 

Men at opposite ends of the rink and yin-yang spectrum:  TFS looking at his sixth straight start in Operation Make People Forget Jaro.  Big fat cheated on his wife with her sister Marty Brodeur is finally looking mortal but has a career record versus Montreal of eleventy billion wins, two losses and a goals against of minus 6.01. 

Hot like the girls of Montreal: Well, Big Tits might not qualify as "hot" per se, but we'll take this version of Andre all season.  Cammy and Pleks will also lead the way.  Josh Gorges is making like some sort of Guy Lapointe redux, scoring on one end and keeping everything safe on the other.  For the Devils, nobody looks really hot, but Kovalchuk, Parise and Elias can and will beat you given half a chance. 

Cold like the crackhouses of Newark: Big Fat Marty has a save percentage of 887.  That's also the current calorie count on his breakfast sandwich.  Old warhorses Jamie Langenbrunner, Jason Arnott and Dainus Zubrus are a combined -18 with 8 points.  For the Habs, Travis Moen wasn't the answer to jumpstarting the Giant Mexican line, so now Gionta and Gomez get Tommy Pyatt.  Giant Mexican Pie for everyone!  PK seems to be getting some flak for trying to do too much.  Jaro 2.0 looks abysmal.  We're leaving pointless Lars Eller out of here for now because he certainly looks like he'll break out.  Soon.  We think. 

Busted up like the Beatles after Yoko: For the Habs, still Markov.  For the Devils, uber-shotblocker Anton Volchenkov blocked something with his face, so he's out with a broken nose.  Fellow defenders Anssi Salmela, Mark Fraser, and Bryce Salvador out after knee surgery, hand surgery, and a concussion respectively.  Noted Habs killer Brian Rolston has a hernia that needs fixin. 

Read stuff about Lou and the rest of the Devils here, if you're a masochistic weirdo: In Lou We Trust (trust to what?  Bore you to death?  Stab you in the back and take all the credit?  Make your beloved team the bane of good hockey's existance?)

Fun facts you might not know: Current Canadiens captain Brian Gionta holds the Devils single-season records for goals and power play goals in a season.  Gomez is the highest scoring rookie in Devils history.  Marty Brodeur just ate your lunch while you weren't looking.  Former Devil and Canadien Big Bad Voodoo Vlady Malakhov was technically not a zombie; he just played that way. 

Got your own reasons Lou Lamareillo is evil?  Let us know in the comments.


69 comments:

sleza said...

"Yeah, I'm as disturbed by this image as you are." so i'm not the only one digging my eyes out in a hope i could unsee it?

btw, (and i know this has likely been told in some site i don't read) is there any info when markov might come back?

GoldenGirl11 said...

Kovy and Yoko look surprisingly alike. And I hear Yoko has quite the slapshot.

HabsFan29 said...

that's good work all around 10 and GG. and by good i mean will haunt me forever

HEY MARTY GET AWAY FROM MY FUCKING SANDWICH

GoldenGirl11 said...

I forgot apologize to Annie Leibowitz and John.

I like to think of myself as the Yoko of FHF only not as tone deaf. And I'm completely tone deaf.

RiRi said...

Yours truly is going to the game tonight. w00t!

Habs better impress and hopefully, the PP is fixed.

GO HABS GO!!!

Bill one after 909 said...

@10 + GG

outstanding

I'm just a jealous guy.

the Devils..argh.

hfotwc said...

Great work GG. Definitely better than Yoko's huh singing, but just as creepy.

Bonne fete 101, tasty alcohol and a habs win for your birthday!!

lawyergirl77 said...

RiRi - DM me if you wanna meet for a quick drink after the game at the St. Hub next to Bell Centre. Yes, it's the St. Hub, but it's a great spot to let traffic die down. And their mojitos don't suck.

Topic? I'm loving the Brodeur-is-fat meme. But, maybe he's onto something... I still maintain that Jabba the Hutt would have been stellar parked in front of the crease. He could put his blocker on his tail.

WV: penties. As in, I'm seriously horrified by the GQ Glee photo spread with the two whitest chicks in the show posing in their penties while the lead dude is fully fucking clothed. *clutching pearls*

soperman said...

The worst part about all this is that I lost my lunch looking at GG11's very disturbing image and Marty still ate it off the floor of my cube.

WV - "mictai" as in "McDonalds is opening a licensed restaurant and serving mic tai's as a cocktail.

Chester said...

Ewwww.

I didn't like the original picture, this one makes me want to go and wash.

GoldenGirl11 said...

@Chester
That's why the original was/is so amazing. Art that elicits an emotion - even eeeeeewwwww - is a success. Annie Liebovitz wanted Yoko to spoon John for that pic but he suggested that he spoon her. The whole fetal position mother/wife/I want to screw you/go back into your womb is so bizarre that's it's visually appealing. It's gross and weird and sad and beautiful and really creepy. Brilliant.

And that's my art lesson for the day. Carry on.

Daddy Says said...

disturding pic... love it.
I love to hate the Devils. Lou even looks eeeevil.

In a very unrelated story http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/story/?id=338168 Kovalev is taking flack here in O-town. My hatered of Kovalev far out ways my ambivalnce of this boring ass team that I have to read about in the paper every day.... sigh.
Go you Fucking Habs Go

moeman said...

Pete Best rocks!

moeman said...

tsn to splooge the Habs regional anglo rights.

http://tsn.ca/nhl/story/?id=338180

Moey said...

Yes, that picture speaks to me. It says Yoko was/is evil. Lennon was pussy whipped.

Moey said...

@moe

Excellent! RDS can get stuffed. Mr. Moey will be happy.

GoldenGirl11 said...

@Moey
Exactly!

Orangeman said...

@RiRi&LG77: If you hear an obnoxious boob yelling "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrttttttttttttttttttttttyyyyyyyyyyyyy, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrtttttttttttttttttyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy" up in the Molson Zone, that'll be me. I'm going to try to get a Devil to attack me as per the Minnie game the other night. First game for me in about 8 years. Huzzah!

moeman said...

Lest we forget that Bob Guccione also won fame as the producer of the classic 70s epic CHaligula.

bea.habs.fan said...

will be missong the game as with every Thursday's game.
can't even get a friend to text me updates (SNIF) and my cell doesn't get wifi where I'll be.
but since it's the Devils, I'm expecting boredom of Sabre proportion.

(GG sick, sick pic - will need to get therapy; expecting nightmares all night an dthat's before sleep)

WV there will be no resths to orangeman's goonery
GHFG (or something) and go Orangemam - get Marty or Koby II

lawyergirl77 said...

@Orangeman - come see me in section 315. I'm with Mr. LG77. May be tweeting from iPhone too. :)

Anonymous said...

On December 19, 2005, reports surfaced that Malakhov, who joined the Devils for the second time, had unexpectedly retired from the NHL. However, shortly after the story broke, his agent claimed that Malakhov had not retired and was taking a leave of absence "to deal with some internal, personal and medical issues." This claim was disputed by Lou Lamoriello, Devils CEO, president, general manager, and interim head coach. Lamoriello rejected the request for a leave of absence and treated Malakhov's absence as a retirement. This marked the end of Malakhov's pro career.

HabsFan29 said...

@anon - i never heard that. fascinating

OK LET'S DO THIS THING

who feels the Devils crappy start will be wiped away by a (fat) Marty shutout tonight?

*this guy*

HabsFan29 said...

Giant Mexican ___ may not score this season

HabsFan29 said...

not the most exciting fight in the world

HabsFan29 said...

CRAP

Moey said...

BOLLOCKS!!!

Number31 said...

Those fluffy little practice shots they're throwing at Brodeur ain't gonna cut it.

moeman said...

5 minutes into the game and CHeveu says the Devs ain't making errors. eesh.

Moey said...

Don't know why the crowd is so anxious for a penalty, like it's gonna make a difference? Not.

HabsFan29 said...

hey was that CHicken on the bench? he's still on the team?

HabsFan29 said...

oh look spatCHes almost cost us a goal

HabsFan29 said...

well we played ok, and we're down. this game is over

moeman said...

Oh look a stack of old Penthouses.

Number31 said...

Now they'll trap for the next 40 minutes until the Habs pull Price for the extra man and they'll score an empty netter. Glad to be of service, Brodeur. (Meh).

Moey said...

How about Giant Mexican Crybaby?

Wonder when Crosby's contract is up.

Yup, I'm bored.

HabsFan29 said...

@N31 - i swear i was just typing "2-0 Devils final"

HabsFan29 said...

nice stop TFS. with the glove even!

if i don't comment for a while I'm just busy perfecting the meth ice cream recipe. looks like i'll need it for this game to be fun

Number31 said...

Now let's sloooooooow this down some more...

HabsFan29 said...

can someone poke me every 5 minutes to make sure I'm awake?

Number31 said...

*poke*

HabsFan29 said...

mmmhnnhnmmm huh? what? i was just resting my eyes, I swear

thx 31!

HabsFan29 said...

high sticking a guy who's head is at your knee level. obvious penalty

Number31 said...

Fuck Auger. I swear Lou paid him off tonight. "REF YOU SUCK" chant.

HabsFan29 said...

FUCK

i hate the Devils

Number31 said...

Other net, Boyd. Other net.

Moey said...

I think I'm gonna have one of those "Lavalicious" chocolate thingies that go in the micro & top it with vanilla ice cream.

Wait, is there a hockey game on? Hey we're on a PP.

Then I'm gonna have a Grand Marnier.

Number31 said...

What's the point in watching this anymore...

HabsFan29 said...

save the Grand Marnier Moey for a game that's worth it. have you tried the creme de grand marnier? it's pretty good

HabsFan29 said...

we need to get to work on a FHF drinking game for games like this

moeman said...

D R A M B U I E

Number31 said...

DRINK! Every time a Devil gets away with interference/holding/tripping/whatever.

DRINK! Every time you see Joel Bouchard. And keep drinking. (Including that Bell ad).

Ronan said...

Drink every time a Hab is skating without a Jersey stick or glove on him.

At least you'd be able to drive home after the game.

Moey said...

@29,

No I haven't but Wild Africa cream is nice. I'm not usually that big on cream liqueurs.

@moe,

No can do on the Dram, has the same effect as a lactose intolerant person drinking 10 pints of whipping cream. I'll leave it at that.

moeman said...

Point taken Moey.

Luv da Dram.

Number31 said...

So, let me get this straight...

Coach Yippee-Ki-Yay wanted to open it up some more and bring some offense to this boring team. Brodeur freaked out and tossed his defense under the bus because they were fucking up his save percentage and wins. So they bring back the boring NJ choke you to death style, and Brodeur is happily back in his HHoF shell.

Annnd leave it to PK to try and wake us up. Thanks, kid :D

HabsFan29 said...

oh i'm in hell now.

moeman said...

Oh look a stack of old Penthouses.

Number31 said...

PP still poo poo.

HabsFan29 said...

i BEG of you score just one PP goal

ooh, almost. fat marty got in the way

Number31 said...

Can't shoot around his fat ass. Even when he's not in front of the net.

Moey said...

For the love of Christ, please score one effin' goal. We waited 5 days for this crap?

*prepares lethal injection*

Number31 said...

BIG FUCKING MEH

lawyergirl77 said...

We were Fat Marty's slumpbuster.

Fact that he didn't come out to wave to crowd for first star = the fucker didn't even leave money on the bedside table after he was done.

I feel da shame... :(

Number31 said...

Dammit. Bulldogs lost in a shootout. Day officially sucks.

Bill 101 said...

went to a habs party at CHurch - didn't work out

after suckfest (that Brodeur is pretty good eh?), after the craft brew had expired too quickly, we switched to sharks/nords game. This left room for lots of banter & gifted Glenlivet. Best post-game comment (fr CultMember0004) was: "Aside from us being the best obviously...the Devils and Red Wings ar the best..."

".........fuckers"

Then we ragged the Bruins.

Then, in vain hope to salvage the still-early evening, we watched the Kovy 1.0 dub video a few times.

Surprisingly, it worked.

Thanks Mikael.

wv: blutstli - that pretty much sums it up

Number31 said...

@LG77
Don't know if you saw him on the news in the post-game interview but man I wanted to smack that smug smile off his perfectly round face...

Bill 1x1 said...

then we looked at the 1970's bum for a while - actually, quite a while


and then there was the part where we debated why, exactly, it is that women, when they have to puke, run INSIDE the house. There was no resolution.

time to get off the 9nternet

Orangeman said...

Ok, I realize everyone's gone to bed, but let me just say:

LG77: Holy cow! We were right next to you! Or at worst a couple of sections over. I was the guy audiably crying to your left.

In sum,

WORST GAME EVER

Throughout the 3rd period I screamed out "I WORK 45 HOURS A WEEK TO SEE THIS GARBAGE????!!!!" to no avail.

Seriously though,

WORST GAME EEEVEEER.
\comicbook guy