TMS Pops the Champagne for the Regular Season Finale - Laffs Preview and Open Thread

Hey Kids! Yours truly is up a little early for no reason except we're old and can't sleep in anymore, even if we're up doing meth 'til 5. Since we're up, we thought we'd give you a special Saturday TMS, then dive right in to the big Saturday Night season finale. So bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of the Final Four, or having nightmares because your bracket was busted 2 weeks ago like mine...

• BEEP BEEP BEEP. That sound you hear is the Sens backing in to the playoffs even though they lost to the B's. Who smells a 2-7 matchup with them? That really scares me for some reason, even with Alfie and Fish "out for weeks";
• The rest of the East also sorted itself out a little, with both the aforementioned B's and the Flyers getting the Malcolm next to their name, the latter thanks to their shutout over the Devils;
• Canes lose, giving the Caps a chance to win the Southeast division if they get a measly point against the Panthers tonight;
• Things happened out west for sure but as usual we don't care;
• Here's some standings for you to sort it all out in handy visual form.

Alrighty, let's turn our attention to...

Details, Details - 7 PM start at the Phone Booth. Reading CapsChick's awesome A View from the Cheap Seats the other day, I discovered that they call the Verizon Center in DC the Phone Booth too. I assume the game is on CBC, I'm too meth hungover to check. Habs are tied with the Pens for the East, but the Pens have the tiebreaker, so we need to out-point them between this game tonight and the Pens game tomorrow to win the Conference. Not that we care. Habs are 3-3-1 for the season against the Leafs, including last Saturday's ugliness.

1967 - Of course, turn to PPP and Loser Domi for all your Leafs' pathos.

Hot sexy Habs you dreamt of all year - Kovy (your Molson Cup winner) and TFS(tm)-CTC (Calder Trophy Candidate). Lead us to the promised land kids.

Et le skank - Pleks gone cold since singlehandedly beating the Sabres last Friday. Markov pointless in 4.

1967 - It's the Leafs. Their only good player is out for the season. Done in a Leafs uni? Discuss.

Limping even before Mark Bell could get to them - The list reads: Koivu, Grabs, Franky B, DOOM, and Ryder. Franky B and Grabs have a chance of playing tonight. We'll update with news as the day goes on.

In the VIP Room - Can I just mention how giddy I am that playoffs are starting this week? That is all.

Post-game adult entertinment establishment - For the season finale, the mecca of FHF, Chez Paree, is the only place. Of course, junior lawyers like us can barely afford it, so we're really headed to Downtown.

Big thanks to all the commentors for participating in the Fan Forum yesterday. You guys ruled. Fezworth wins the prize for the best recap. Jeff in Hong Kong wins the prize for the best warped rantings that walk the line between brilliant and stupid. Keep it up tonight, though you'll have to do it in comment form.

FHF Fan Forum - Habs 3, Sabres 1

We're one game away from the conclusion of FHF's first regular season, and we couldn't have done it without our fans. So today all three of you are invited to submit your own game recap - Plan the Parade or The Sky is Falling - even if it is from the completely biased perspective of a non-Habs fans. We'll post the good ones over the course of the day. Just email us at fourhabsfans@gmail.com.

Just don't hate because we're better than you. Yeah, we're looking in the direction of Broadway.

Panger's Plan the Parade: The most important thing in the playoffs is goaltending. At the very least you need a goalie who gives you a chance to win. Well, it's pretty clear that TFS(tm) is going to give the Habs more than just a chance to win. Once again he was the biggest difference maker and the Habs scored two early and then basically turned to Carey and said "you're on your own; please save the game for us again." So Carey helped kill 5 of 6 powerplays on the Habs suddenly-stellar PK, and then stopped 13 of 14 shots in the third. No "arrogant prick" saves either, although he did make a couple of nice glove grabs on the last 2 minutes. Maybe HF29 will give him some love now.

Montréaliste:

Plan the parade: So what do we got ? A solid TFS (tm), as usual. What a garbage goal though. It was almost over, he must've been thinking about that Chez Parée Bond. Defence was tight, even without Franky B and DOOM. Hell, even Breezer look allright. Foward lines 3 and 4 did an amazing job. Line numero uno gave us their usual godlike game. Higgins was playing center and was being good at it, while Saku is away taking French lessons. We got some key players injured, but still obtain positive results.

The sky is falling: Well we proved we can beat any offensively oriented team. We stil need to prove we can win against defensive team. Remeber the game against Colombus ?

Chez Parée Bound: You are all getting in. Yes Breezer, even you ! Drinks are on D'Agostini and Stuey. Carey Price and Slowminski are requested in the dance à dix booth.

Next Evil foe: 1967. Leafs suck. They know it and are just trying to piss off their opponants. If Pens win, look for a well deserved rest for Kovy, Price and why not the Hammer. We don't want injuries like Alfie.

Nose Bleed Bob:

Plan the Parade: Sabres tee-off was set at 20:04 when Slomo scored is first of two, to propel is goal total to eight, and send Ryan Miller and is buddies of the Buffalo Sabres on vacation. For the zillion time in a row, the fourth line is on at the initial face off, should you feel the urge to complain ask Buffalo's Andrej Sekera how he feels about that. Is face is still printed on one of the booth's board, courtesy of fourth line left winger Steve Bejing. Markov played huge D, TFS wasn't very busy but did the job when he had to and dance à 1o lines showed glanced of pure ice poetry but wasn't able to capitalise. Rhino is getting some experience time on the PK, and making the most of it by blocking is 10th shot in two games. Over all a walk in the park that made me wonder, are we that good. Habs conference title hopes are still alive, go back to Antarctica you fucking Penguins.

The Sky is Falling: D'Agostini called for hooking on is first NHL shift, fucking Lindy Ruff pulling out is goalie with over 8 minutes left in the game to spoil TFS's 2nd consecutive shutout and just for the sake of it Breezer playing in a third straight game.

Chez Paree Bound: #1 Kovy, who said this guy had the flu, should Plekanec had been able to capitalise, Kovy would have recorded at least an extra 2 points. #2 TMS, not very busy but stood tall at the right time. #3, how do you say being at the right place at the right time, Slomo netting 2 with midget shots and getting some ice time when Buffalo's net is empty to get the hat trick.

Next Evil Foe: The worlds most hated team, the fucking Leafs. 41 years of suckitude coming our way to end the Habs best season in more than 15 years. Let's end this the way it should, Leafs Suck !

Fezworth

Fack! Zees Buufflo teem sheet. Big ugly Cari heff no work to do. Mankey on motorcycle coud heff get shootout. I could heff get shootout last night if even I pley in Hemilton in dark room, masturbating. But no, coach Carbono, no heff give Jaro time in net.

All defencemen het me. Markov, he worst. He always let best pleyer on other team get breakaway on Jaro. He do on purpose, because me prettier than heem. Ees not hard. And Streit? He haff no make up mind. Why he always fly back to front play, then next gem he back play. He make me so mad.

Now teem can get Conference win if beet stinky Leefs Saturday. Will Jaro get net? No, no. "You sit, Jaro. Look sexy." I do thees, thees easy, but I want pley! I tell coach Müller thet I pley better than big ugly Cari, and he say: "But he only let one goal behind he ass. You let lots. You play like squirrel on speed." I HET BUG UGLY CARI! HE SO PRANCI, HE ALWAYS PUT DEEP HEET IN MY UNDERWEAR BEFORE GAME! Thees reeson why I no pley good anymore.

I Het thees facking city. At leest in Hamilton I heff time to mine own.

Flying Toaster:

Well, the good thing about this season? I was right. The Habs seem to be just where i predicted them to be. One of the fastest, high-scoring teams in the east with a top-notch young goaltender in Carey Price. Just in case you're asking yourself, no, i never predicted them to finish 1st, i predicted them to finish 7th, but then again, who would have thought the Sens would have such a big slump? After last season, many saw the Habs as a poorly coached team with no stars, and with the loss of Sheldon Souray, it also lost it's main source for goals. The so-called "experts" saw them 14th, after such teams as Atlanta, Tampa Bay, Washington, the Islanders, etc. How can a team who finished 9th go all the way down to 14th with the loss of a single defenseman? I thought they were crazy. I also saw what Hamilton did, what with winning the Calder Cup and all. I saw Carey Price easily as the goalie, not of the future, but of the present. There was Sergei Kostitsyn who had me sold ever since he joined the London Knights, Maxim Lapierre who learned alot about leadership in that Calder Cup run. What i saw, was a team chock-full of young talents who could easily ride this team into the playoffs. But the one factor that made them go above the 7th position i gave them is Kovalev's play. He simply dominated every shift he's been on the ice and has helped this team surpass what i thought they were capable of doing. Now, with one game left and the possibility of a 1st-place finish, who here thinks the Habs can go all the way? I don't know about you guys, but i got a whole patio being built on St. Catherine's.

[Ed's Note: We all feared this one, and here it is:]

Jeff Hong Kong here. You know the MAD COKE GUY.

Grock, Gree.

Ishbudalem. Great word, just made it up, sounds vaguely Beirut.

I worry about large nuclear devices exploding near my wife.

Grock. You know that early seventies self help book 'I'm OK you're OK'? My buddy Rog thought it said imok, urok. He used to say it al the time. But he was four years old then, so really, we're fuckin dumb at that age kinda.

You must press on young brave attorneys. I am old now, so tired. You must.....must.....cover....the playoffs....

Grock, Getchabelum Saiyumkee.

More made up cool words. I very cokaine now, gotobed now me.

Pants

The Morning Skate for Friday, April 4th

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of having a dream...

• Alright things are messy, things are clear(-er), but there's lots of things so this TMS is definite and indefinite article-free for brevity;
• Habs win, tie Pens for first (sort of), eliminate Sabres. Slowinski is God, more later;
• Sens finally win one, but lose Alfie and Fish for undetermined (as yet) time. Ick. Still need point to guarantee playoffs;
• Rangers win, get Malcolm next to their name in standings;
• Ovie scores twice, Caps win, temporarily in 8th;
• Wild win Northwest with 3-1 win, but Flames get Malcolm thanks to Vancouver's loss, so 'Nucks are out. Nashville is in too with their win over St. Louis;
• Red Wings win Presidents Trophy. Whatever;
• Here's standings for you to sort it all out, if that's possible.

Early morning, April 4
A shot rings out in the Memphis sky
Free at last, they took your life
They could not take your Pride

Just a Bunch of News and Notes and a Stripper and a Sabres Game Preview and Open Thread and Stuff and Whatever

Hey kids! 81 games in, let me just ramble some notes for you, ok? Give me a break, I had a big meth night yesterday. And Panger did such an outstanding job filling in for me in the last preview, I feel I can't match his skillz now.

• 730 PM, Phone Booth. Habs 7-2-1 in their last 10, Sabres 6-3-1. Sabres desperately fighting for their playoff lives;
• Habs could still get first in the East, though the odds are now pretty slim. We need to win both our last 2 games and have Pitt only get one point (or less) in their last game. Though if Pitt loses their last game (in regulation), we could win the East with 3 of a possible 4 points. Point is, we're two back, one game in hand, but the Pens have the tie-breaker. Point is, I'm rambling. Damn meth;
• Perhaps realising these slim odds, Habs have called up Matt D'Agostini and some dude named Gregory Stewart to maybe give some of our regulars some rest;
• Let TSN tell you who's hot or not. They know everything because they are based in Toronto;
• Habs I/O reports Franky B skated today, but then limped off the ice after 15 minutes. Ryder wasn't on the ice at all. Grabs and Kovy have the flu, though Kovy was on the ice this morning. I am now listening to Carbo. He says Ryder has a leg problem we won't know til tomorrow, he won't play tonight. Saku's latest tests were good;
• More from the post-skate pressers - Franky B hopes to play Saturday, DOOM wants to play tonight but they won't let him (man I love him more every day). Matt D'Agostini is hoping "just to fit in," and is not sure if he is playing tonight. Greg Stewart "needs to keep it simple and work hard." Good for you, kid, whoever you are.
• UPDATE - man, things are changing by the minute. Grabs out tonight, D'agostini is in.

A nice round of "Go Hockey" for all of you commentors. It's getting exciting, eh?

The Game Day Skate for Thursday, April 3rd

Bullet points for what you missed while having nightmares of being kicked out of your kid's Little League game...

• TFS(tm) is your rookie of the month for March;
• Pens clinch the Atlantic Division, move two points ahead of the Habs for the East lead (and they hold the tiebreaker), and generally scare the fuck out of everyone as Malkin and Hockey Jesus lead the way in a 4-2 win over Philly;
• Brodeur beats Boston in a shootout;
• Whalercanes beat Tampa, move one win from the division title;
• Here's the East standings, much easier than me trying to explain what's up in the 6-9 range. The West is there too, but who cares.

Buffalo tonight in the penultimate game. Where has the season gone?

The Optimist vs. the Pessimist: Habs 3, Sens 0

In celebration of the division title (pessimist's note: stop celebrating we haven't fucking won anything yet!), we thought we'd do something a little different today for the game review. Playing the role of optimist, 1998 Emmy Award Winner Panger. In his usual role of pessimist, HF29. So let's break down the Habs performance.

Offense
The Optimist: The Habs are now first in the NHL in goals scored. Last night they relied on their PP for offense again, going 2 for 6. Again AK27 paces the attack with a goal and assist, becoming the first 35 goal scorer for the Habs since Pierre Turgeon and Vinny Damphouse back in ’95-’96. El Dandy scores, well, a dandy goal: top shelf on Gerber after some good hustle from Guimauve and Mad Max. Big Tits adds the knock-out punch in the third when he had time and space usually only found on the Praries to bury a shot behind Gerber Baby. Little Tits wasn’t completely out of place between Higgins and Ryder, and the fourth line added some grit and energy. Koivu who?

The Pessimist: How many fucking open nets can we miss? Pleks was watching babes in the stands when a perfect feed to him ended up behind the net somehow. Little Tits couldn’t win a face-off if he was lining up against J-C Petit. The only thing Little Tits emulated about Koivu was his ability to take penalties in the offensive zone.

Defense
The Optimist: Minus DOOM and Franky B, the D plays pretty damn well: 31 shots and not too many scoring chances for Alfie/Spezza/Heater. Markov even shows his "dark side" by fighting Spezza - who knew Markov had emotions? Despite spending 5 minutes in the sin bin, Markov still managed to lead Habs’ D in icetime, followed closely once again by Josh Gorges. Gorges also flashed some offensive instincts for the first time in Montreal, which is yet another indicator of his increasing confidence. Rhino blocked 5 shots, further lessening the blow of DOOM’s absence. Generously, I’ll admit that Breezer didn’t suck.

The Pessimist: Sens had about 7 shots through 30 minutes – they finished with 32. Yikes, that’ll tell you what you need to know about the D in the second half of the game. They totally left TFS(tm) to the wolves. Speaking of…

Goaltending
The Optimist: Carey Price is TFS. Calm and collected all game, even with Chris Neil’s ass in his face - even gave him a nice cross-check in the back and then flipped the back of his helmet. Set up El Dandy’s goal with some great stickwork behind the net. And finished it off in style with a glove-ly save with a second remaining. Jesus Saves, Carey stops the rebound.

The Pessimist: That glove-ly save was an embarrassment for a 20-year old rookie. Arrogant prick.

Overall
The Optimist: Plan the Parade.
The Pessimist: The sky is falling.

Was this Ottawa or Montreal???

Big thanks to FHF reader Booche who snapped this photo as he left Scotiabank Place last night after the game.

Booyah!

The Morning Skate for Wednesday, April 2nd - Special Division Champs Edition

Look, I sort of agree with HF4 who said in the comments last night that in Montreal, we don't celebrate division or conference titles, only Cup titles. I'm the oldest HF - trust me, I know the traditions best of all (including tying an onion to my belt, which was the style at the time). My formative years were the late 70's - I know from the sense of entitlement.

But fuck that shit. It's been 16 goddamn years since we won one. This team was supposed to finish 12th. I'm gonna enjoy this.

In case you really have been sleeping, Habs shutout the Sens to clinch the division. Here's the long-form video. More later today.

Sexy Cops Worked Last Time - Sens Game Preview and Open Thread

Just like the Habs, FHF has run into injury problems. While HF29 is out with general body soreness thanks to the "resisting arrest" with the lovely lady pictured above, Panger takes over the game preview and open thread. Enjoy!

Waiting in Line details: 7:30 pm start, CJAD radio, RDS/RDSHD at the ScotiaBank Centre in lovely Kanata, Ontario. I have to admit I reluctantly lived in Ottawa for a season and supported the Sens in their early 'Laurie Boschman' days, back when the Corel Centre's only neighbours were grazing cows. Unfortunately the big box plague has stuckour nation's captial region and today the only grass outside the ScotiaBank Centre is being smoked by Ray Emery.

Pay your cover charge to: as always, Five for Smiting is one of the best and funniest blogs we know. Let's hope his consistent top quality performances continue to be the mirror image of his team's second half effort. Mirror image, as in opposite.

Appearing on the main stage tonight: Captain K rests his broken foot, Franky B. rests his sore foot, Komo aka DOOM nurses his sore hip - and let's hope that the Habs leave the shot-blocking to Mr. Price, as he gets the start this evening. Swiss Mister and The Tendernesse return to the lineup, with Little Tits taking Captain K's place at centre on the second line between Higgins and Ryder. 2 goals and you're My Boy, Sergei!

Hot Habs to Watch: According to independent sources, pretty much everyone important but Halak is hot. Obviously they didn't watch the Leafs game. Special mention has to go to Josh Georges: essentially a throw-in as part of last year's Craig Rivet trade, he's gone from benchwarmer to top-pairing this season, and has logged over 25 minute of ice time since Komo's injury. Plus his last name messes with speakers of both official languages, so that's a bonus.

Who knew we'd long for the Adams Division days of the Whalers and Nordiques? As a team, the Canadiens can clinch the Northeast Division title for the first time EVER with at least a point tonight. The last division win was in the Adams Division circa 1991-92 - the year before the Senators were reincarnated. Ah, if only the Habs still had the Whalers and Nordiques to kick around every year....

Skanky Habs to Watch: I don't care what "attributes" he allegedly brings to the team, Breezer owns this category on my watch. Skankier than a two dollar Thai hooker.

Collectively, the Habs looked thoroughly disinterested against the Leafs. Must have been distracted by the though of T.O.'s "nightlife" after the game. Sure...anyway, they're much less to do in Ottawa, so I'm sure the Habs will be highly motivated tonight. Unless they hang out with Ray before the game, then they'll just be hungry.

Sexy Sens to Watch: Fucking Spezza, Alfie and Heater own the Habs no matter how they are otherwise playing. There are approaching a combined 107 goals and 218 assists against the Canadiens this year. Or at least it feels like it. Fuckers. Plus, Heater is looking for goal number 40 tonight. TFS may have to steal another one.

Skanky Sens to Watch: Ottawa has lost their last two, the more recent via shutout to Boston. Boston?? Come on Sens, sometimes I think you want to lose. (Just not against the Habs.)

Post-game entertainment: since Calgary strip clubs suck (plus I'm a degenerate) there will be no clever "do something besides see naked ladies" rhetoric in this edition of the Game Preview. Let's give The NuDen - "Ottawa's largest gentleman's club" - a try. Hey, they support local charities so really our attendance is making this world a better place.

Drunk? High? Like Strippers? Let's hear your game comments in the open thread, my fellow degenerates.

The Game Day Skate for Tuesday, April 1st

Bullet points for what you missed while dreaming of spring for fuck's sake. It's goddamn April finally and I'm still freezing my ass off...

• Habs receive more bad news, as Big Tits injures himself playing indoor soccer;
• Pens lose to the Rangers and the Sens find out what 6th place is like. Sens also find out what hard work is like, as Coach Murray rides them in practice until Spezza passes out and Ray Emery storms off the ice in protest;
• Minnesota has clinched a playoff spot.

Seize the Day kids.